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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel upset that my kids were called rude

190 replies

ricardot · 30/03/2019 08:28

I had a run in with someone and she asked to talk about it to clear the air which we did. She was quite angry and said her bit which was fine but then she brought my kids into it saying that they're really really rude. I was taken aback and couldn't actually believe that she was even saying that.
My kids can be a bit cheeky and I have never had any complaints about them being rude. I found it really offensive and I just am so livid at her for attacking my kids when they're not even part of our dispute. The example she gave was pretty vague and she couldn't tell me in what context it was said either.
Dh thinks im overreacting and it's just meh. Some ppl might find them offensive but that's their problem. Im not sure.
I don't even know why im posting! I guess would you be offended or just meh.

OP posts:
thebeesknees123 · 30/03/2019 13:54

She was bound not to win by bringing your kids into it - especially when it wasn't relevant to her point. For this alone, she goes down in my estimations and would see it as point scoring even if there is a grain of truth to it.

After all, you could probably say that about a lot of children but, often, in my own personal experience, they grow up to be just fine. I've met some right horrors - with perfectly nice parents- whose children have blossomed with maturity.

I also know these so called strict parents who can supposedly control everything. They are usually insufferable people to know. There is one particular child who is brought up to obey and any cost and is getting his head kicked in every playtime so it's not necessarily a good thing to have an overly compliant child

Coyoacan · 30/03/2019 14:03

Oh dear, OP, your posts are anything but clear. But you can't say you've never had a complaint about the behaviour of your children when you lose your rag when you do. It is very hard for people to tell someone about their child's misbehaviour because of attitudes like yours.

I used to ask the neighbours to tell me if my dd misbehaved when she was out playing as it was my job to ensure that she behaved properly.

But the other side of the argument is that adults cannot expect children not to be cheeky if they treat them badly.

PregnantSea · 30/03/2019 14:05

Sorry if this comes across as judgemental, but all I have to go on is your post - from what you've said it sounds like your kids are rude. You've described them as cheeky and also said that some people might find them offensive "but that's their problem". This makes it sound like your children are rude and you don't correct their rudeness. If that is true then I'm not surprised that your friend has mentioned this.

HotpotLawyer · 30/03/2019 14:14

PregnantSea actually had you RTFT you would have had cjndudersbku more to go on than the OP. And might have sounded less judgmental. Read all the OPs posts.

Tavannach · 30/03/2019 15:48

@Yabbers

She's obviously not in Scotland, this woman, as smacking is illegal there.
No it isn’t.

Sorry, I just checked. You're right - the legislation has been approved and will be enacted this year.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/03/2019 15:55

Cheeky children= rude children. I think you need to work on manners with your children.

You said your child responded ‘fine’. The reality is there many ways to say fine. It depends on the tone in which they said it.

Alsbals · 30/03/2019 16:03

If someone threatened to hit my 7yo she would never answer them back, she’d be bloody terrified and very upset by it. My 11yo wouldn’t be scared nor upset but still wouldn’t answer back. The fact your 5yo answered back, saying she would hit the woman back says to me that your children probably are rude and cheeky.

Having said that, if another adult threatened to hit any of my DC’s I would honestly knock them clean out and wouldn’t give a shiny shit if they thought my kids were rude or cheeky.

Yabbers · 30/03/2019 23:11

@Tavannach
Sorry, I just checked. You're right - the legislation has been approved and will be enacted this year.

Wrong again. The bill is currently before the committee, it hasn't been passed into legislation.

perfectstorm · 31/03/2019 17:34

Hitting children is illegal. But parents have a defence, if they claim it was to reasonably chastise. They may extend that defence to a nanny, but nobody else.

If a child isn't yours, and you're not a nanny whose employer has consented to extending the defence to another, then hitting them is assault.

These kids may not be terribly polite. But threatening to assault someone else's small child isn't terribly polite, either, and more to the point it's threatening to commit a violent crime. Someone might need to tell Ms Stickler For Manners that her views on correct etiquette are not legally sanctioned.

nocoolnamesleft · 31/03/2019 17:59

I would have thought most people would have been more upset about the threat to hit(!) your child than the calling rude, so a bit amazed that came out as a drip feed.

Akrotiri1 · 31/03/2019 17:59

My 'best' friend had a go at me, at my son's rudeness, and my lack of parenting skills, just because she had said good morning to my son and he did not answer back.

He was only 9yrs at the time, and unfortunatley I did not witness the situation, as would maybe would have prompted a reply from him.....though I suspect he just didn't hear her.

I was absolutely shocked and taken aback by her strong criticism of him, and I will never forget her saying 'I thought you of all people would have bought him up better'.

She has no children of her own, so also did not see how she felt qualified to criticise my child, or parenting skills.

I assumed she was going to apologise, and we could have had a laugh a joke about it, but sadly not and we have not spoken for 8yrs because of it. I know she had some mh problems at the time, but had been leaning on me heavily enough already, and just couldn't let her comments pass over me.

Again, as others have said, without better context it is hard to judge who is in the wrong in your situation, but I know as a mother it is hard to take criticism of your own children.

But I do regret losing a good friend.....

DeniseRoyal · 31/03/2019 18:12

You have already said some people might find your kids offensive, why? And why then are you so surprised that someone has called them rude? I would be mortified if someone said that about my daughter!!

larsanator · 31/03/2019 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 31/03/2019 18:24

OP - regardless if your kids are rude or not, I’m sure it’s awful to be told they are. I’m sorry you are feeling upset. I think this reaction alone makes you a good parent - imagine if you were NOT upset and got all bolshy back - hey my kid says it like it is - type of crap, then I’d be thinking “we’ve got a live one here”. It’s really not nice having someone say that about your child, and what child doesn’t throw a stop now and again or refuse to pick up toys or whatever.

And if your DD WAS rude in a particular moment, and I’ve no idea if she was, it doesn’t make her a ‘rude child’.

Don’t doubt yourself. You know your child best and you and you alone know if your child is rude and not a bunch of mumsnetters.

XingMing · 31/03/2019 18:28

Strict parenting is good parenting in the early years. Cheeky indicates that children have been allowed to get away with bad behaviour unpunished, and in some children (not all) that spreads to "Oh I can try to push the boundaries". Very strict rules matter early, not late because by then your cheeky kids believe its a free for all.

XingMing · 31/03/2019 18:39

Strict does not indicate physical/corporal punishment. Let me be clear about that point.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 31/03/2019 18:54

If someone thinks your children are rude, they should have examples to illustrate it.

If they can't come up with an example, they already know that your children are not rude.

Rude/cheeky can just mean "being a child in possession of an opinion that an adult disagrees with".

It can also mean rude. But without examples and context, how do you tell?

Redglitter · 31/03/2019 18:58

My kids can be a bit cheeky and I have never had any complaints about them being rude

Well now you have. You call it cheeky sounds like others see them as rude. Shes probably saying what other people are thinking

Some ppl might find them offensive but that's their problem

Sounds like you know full well they're rude but are choosing to ignore it.

thebeesknees123 · 31/03/2019 19:09

I think it's awful.the way everyone is piling on the op. There is v little evidence to go on to say this woman was right. I don't know why everyone is jumping to her defence when sheis not the one who has posted requesting support

perfectstorm · 31/03/2019 19:12

I don't think they're reading the updates. The woman they're all agreeing with threatened to hit someone else's very small children. Not sure how that fits with manners?

Then again, posting without bothering to read a thread is also pretty fucking rude, so the hypocrisy is rather apparent.

Springwalk · 31/03/2019 19:41

If someone was looking after your child and threatened to actually hit them, I am assuming the thread would be caregiver threatened to hit my child. Not, as op had posted said person thinks my children are rude!

A drip feed of this magnitude is so astonishing that it’s unlikely to be true.

I sincerely hope this person isn’t looking after your child anymore, and rude or not no one should ever threaten your child with being hit.

OhTheRoses · 31/03/2019 19:54

Sounds like sil and my adorable (NOT) eldest nephew.

Had a w/e with us when he was three. Tantrummed, ate with his hands, every would you like was met with "yeh". Banged things, including cars with sticks, was allowed to be completely out of control in my home, knocking over chairs, trying to hit porcelain with sticks. At Centreparks he pucked up boulders from the side of the slide and thre them at other children until the lifeguard intervened. His mother watched.

On the last day when his mother went to the lavatory to stop him running off I put my arms around him. He turned and kicked me several times. His mother's response, "oh, why did he kick you?".

On the way home he spent four hours snatching dd's books in the car and screamin if he was told to give them back. Eventually he vomitted over himself and tantrummed when his mother was asked to change him into ds's jim jams. DH and DS went home in the other car.

No neuro developmental issues, just a shit without boundaries He has come to nothing. His father gave up work because SIL didn't discipline them. His younger brother is worse.

My relationship with MIL has never been the same because her DD1 cannot be criticised. Thank fuck they live on the other side of the world. This must have been 99. Have seen SIL once since. I have no wish to deal with her dc uncontrolled brats .

I'm sorry if that is hard to read but it puts in perspective how some dc behave, even from the same stable.

BartonHollow · 31/03/2019 19:55

The correlation between a parental "cheeky" translating as rude is well known.

I'm more interested in the "some people might find them offensive but that's their problem" as that suggests A LOT more than cheeky/rude eg

The sort of child to say :

"You're fat"

"You're not very pretty are you?"

Or

"HA HA LOOK AT THAT MAN HE CAN'T WALK PROPERLY"

Which is a completely different kettle of fish

To "no I won't" when being told to do something

ElloBrian · 31/03/2019 20:08

You need to explain the sequence of events more clearly if you want a sensible answer OP.

Serialweightwatcher · 31/03/2019 20:08

Don't think any of us can decide if your kids are rude or not, without knowing them ... so people shouldn't! As regards your saying they're cheeky - only you know if it's true or not. However, having an argument with someone and them bringing your kids into it, whatever they're like, is bloody rude and done to really piss you off, which it did - tell her to sod off