to feel upset that my kids were called rude

[ricardot]

I had a run in with someone and she asked to talk about it to clear the air which we did. She was quite angry and said her bit which was fine but then she brought my kids into it saying that they're really really rude. I was taken aback and couldn't actually believe that she was even saying that.
My kids can be a bit cheeky and I have never had any complaints about them being rude. I found it really offensive and I just am so livid at her for attacking my kids when they're not even part of our dispute. The example she gave was pretty vague and she couldn't tell me in what context it was said either.
Dh thinks im overreacting and it's just meh. Some ppl might find them offensive but that's their problem. Im not sure.
I don't even know why im posting! I guess would you be offended or just meh.

That was meant to be adult threatened to hit child. Child then answered back. She didn't explain why she even threatened to hit child in the first place.

Hang on - the woman actually threatened to smack your child? Did she tell you this, or did your DD?

Are we sure she didn't just say something that got misconstrued, like 'if my DD spoke to me like that she'd get a smacked bottom' or something?

Because frankly, is she's threatening to smack your kids then you are getting upset at entirely the wrong thing here.

Cheeky? Rude? I would not differentiate, frankly. Either is unacceptable.

My dd is rude. Need to deal with it. Woman was within her rights to tell me DC are rude,

I don't think so.
She's obviously not in Scotland, this woman, as smacking is illegal there. .
Threatening any 5 year old with violence to make them compliant is totally unacceptable and I think you should be proud that your DD, although only 5 years old, called her out on it.
I'd avoid this woman in future.

I can take kids being cheeky or even rude as a they are kids
But I can't abide it when parents laugh it off or ignore it, always tell your kids off and warn them before meeting someone to be polite. Apologise yourself and get your kids to apologise if cheeky, if people brush it off and says it's fine ... they are just being polite!

It's horrible having your kids criticised but be the big person and deal with it. She has done you a favour by telling you

I find this all very dysfunctional if I'm honest.

This woman looks after your DD who is aged 5, and when she asked DD to do something, she refused. DD shouldn't have refused any reasonable request. When woman threatened to hit her, DD said "OK, fine then". The woman was completely in the wrong to threaten to hit your DD to get her to comply.

I think you all need to have a think about your behaviour. OP you need to consider that if your DD is asked by an adult to do something, she should do it. But I also think you should reevaluate whether this woman is someone you want to be looking after your DD.

A friend told you she threatened to hit your child and didn't bother to find out why or what the fuck was going off?

Yeah of course that happened

Don’t take it too much to heart, OP. Your DD is 5, she is still learning, not labelled for life. You said you are going to consider your kids and how they behave: that’s all you need to do. You are guiding them and still learning as a parent as we all are. Once I think I’ve got a handle on things, my kids change and grow and I have a new set of “challenges”. You listened, you’ve taken it all on board, you haven’t said, “no way! Not my precious!”. I think you’ve had a harsh hearing on here, given that you are now open minded.
The manners of the other adult giving you the “feedback” aren’t all that, either, and now you’ve been told, you really don’t want them growing up like her, do you?

All it takes is a few gentle words with kids, little and often, without it being a big deal.
Well, when they are little. Teenagers are another matter!

@Jess, glad I’m not the only one wondering about this.

'Cheeky' is just another way of saying rude. IF your DC are being cheeky, it indicates they lack manners. There are always lots of CF threads on MN every week. It is always about people being rude and having bad manners.

But now HoppingPavlova seems to be condoning this as the better parenting choice?

Uuhhhmmm, nooooo. I didn’t say that. The reference was that the behaviour the OP was describing with the other children was in face ‘behaving’. Something that appears to be an odd concept to the OP. The OP thought this behaviour was because they were smacked. No idea but plenty of people have kids that are made to behave without smacking them.

Again, said from someone who had one child that most definitely did NOT behave due to mental health issues. But at least I admit it and don’t crap on about them being cheeky, high spirited etc.

So? Do people threatened with violence have to behave in a particular way to count hopping?

Not at all. But how many young children do you know that would have someone a lot larger/stronger/more intimidating than them threaten them with physical harm and instinctively think the best way to go is to mouth off and be rude to the big scary person threatening them. Teenagers, yes. 5yo kids? That’s not a typical reaction. I never said it was a right or wrong reaction, but it would not be a typical reaction at that age in that situation.

OP, why is this so-called friend even in your life?

I would have cut her out.

Red flag term there OP. As an ex Teacher the 'cheeky', 'high spirited' ones, to use their parents rose tinted expressions, were usually total brats (I'm being kind with the term brats) : & every Teacher they met on their 'interesting' journey thru school, struggled manfully at parents evening to conceal their utter frustration & dislike.

Well she sounds like someone who stores up grudges to unload them all when she feels like it so I would keep my distance from her. That said, there may well be a degree of truth to her comments about your kids - the fact that you describe them as "cheeky" yourself suggests that other people find them worse than cheeky, so treat her comments as a heads up, even if you feel defensive it's an opportunity to help your children be better.

Sometimes it is generational. My grandma didn’t like how I spoke to my parents. My mum thinks DD is out of order sometimes, the way she speaks to us (and occasionally to her)

DD backchats. We pull her up on it regularly and for the most part she doesn’t do it to other adults. We are trying to find the right line between sticking up for herself and being respectful to others. Difficult for a 9 year old always to judge that correctly but she is getting there. I would come down hard on her if she spoke to other adults as she does to us, and she knows that.

My dd answered back to her saying that she would hit her is her own clumsy way of defending herself. She's 5.
Nope. Been around a lot of 5 year olds. They don’t generally threaten to hit an adult as a “clumsy way of defending themselves”. I’d be genuinely surprised if a child said that to me.

So an adult threatens to hit a child and the child is rude for threatening to copy the same behaviour?

She's obviously not in Scotland, this woman, as smacking is illegal there.
No it isn’t.

What sort of “threatened to hit her”?
A mock “If you do that again I’ll take my belt off and so help my trousers will fall down” or a proper threat. Because if the second then that’s the issue you need to be addressing.

Nobody is saying the woman was right. But it is an unusual response from a 5 year old.

If the friend properly threatened her daughter and the OP didn't even bother finding our what happened, then she really need to look at herself as well. And ditch the friend

Cheeky is just a way people who's kids are rude try and minimise the behaviour they don't want to address. My DSC can be incredibly rude, they always answer back and will not be told what to do, yet their mother describes it as them being witty and funny and refuses to accept that they're rude despite the amount of people that have said it. Don't be that parent with the rose tinted spectacles.

Usually rudeness in children is being disrespectful to adults and that won’t help them be good at school, be liked in life and so well in a job so I really wouldn’t brush this off and would address this!

You are unreasonable to be upset at your children being called rude, rather than at the fact that they actually are rude.
Your “cheeky” is everybody else’s rude.