Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD best friend + drinking

157 replies

MrsKahlo · 29/03/2019 21:07

NC as outing. Asking for genuine advice.

Cut a long story short but try not to drip feed.

DD16 and her best friend (call her S) are inseparable. Spend most days together and all.weekends. have boyfriends but always put each other first.

S comes from a working class family and parents are both functioning alcoholics. S is a good kid but maybe a bit too.mature for her age? V opinionated and 'lefty political' which is catching with DD. Both attend rallies etc but S ability to judge before speaking often makes things awkward. I digress.

S family took DD away for long weekend last year so myself and DH reciprocated and have both girls plus my DS1 (DS2 at home with friends) away for long weekend.

Girls have been allowed to drink responsibly before when on holiday or at home on occasion. Last night S got so drunk at a local bar she fell over and couldn't get up and we had to ask for a golf cart to get her home.

I'm worried she's following in her parents footsteps and my DD will follow suit. She is suitably ashamed of herself today but I fear about this friendship. AIBU to cool this friendship when they return home?

OP posts:
Smoggle · 29/03/2019 21:09

Can't believe you allow your child to associate with the working classes!

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 29/03/2019 21:10

Your daughter is 16, is you cooling the friendship even possible?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/03/2019 21:15

It's not unheard flog for a 16 year old to not know their limits. From any background. Dies she often do this or is it a one off? Either way I doubt you will be able to stop them being friends, all you can do is educate about responsible drinking

Ribbonsonabox · 29/03/2019 21:15

'Cool this friendship'... shes 16! Wtf?!
This must be a joke.
I was drunk on plenty of occasions during my late teens and early twenties and I'm not now some sort of raging alcoholic.
Your DD is your concern and I'd understand if you were to be angry at her for underage drinking.. but from what you've written it does not sound like your dd was the one drinking to excess?

I'd advocate having a word with S about abusing your trust by getting drunk when you were responsible for her. But beyond that there is very little you can do here. And the way you are talking about S sounds incredibly judgemental and nasty. I hope you do not talk like that about her to her face or in front of your daughter.

poseybobblehat · 29/03/2019 21:21

Mixing with a working class leftie ? God forbid !

littlemoon86 · 29/03/2019 21:23

It’s not your friendship to ‘cool’.

Original poster
MrsKahlo · 29/03/2019 21:31

Sorry, I should clarify... it's not that she's WC as I knowbthats not even really a thing nowadays but it's more that she has been exposed to things my daughter hasn't... domestic violence, drunkenness and has a history of poor MH that isn't common among DD friend group.

To my knowledge it's the first time they've gotten in that state(been friends since around ahe 8). My daughter drank the same amount (I'm fuming with her too) but she can apparently handle it slightly better than S

When I say 'cool' I mean more like do I discourage it from growing - encourage DD to link back in with her friends from guides and from our street who she used to spend time with?

I feel.lile a huge snob writing this as S is a nice girl, she's clever and in fairness to her is one of the highest achieving in DD year. I just worry that she is distracting my DD because she doesn't need to work as hard sometimes and she does seem to spend most of her time doing teenage angst political things and hanging out with the 'alt' group at their sixth form which is out of character for my DD.

OP posts:
itswinetime · 29/03/2019 21:40

it's not that she's WC as I knowbthats not even really a thing nowadays but it's more that she has been exposed to things my daughter hasn't... domestic violence, drunkenness and has a history of poor MH that isn't common among DD friend group.

All those things you listed happen in any class FYI so the working class comment is irrelevant!

My daughter drank the same amount (I'm fuming with her too) but she can apparently handle it slightly better than S

So why is S the bad influence? Just because it showed more on her? They both drank to much the are both equally guilty of breaking the rules don't scape goat S!

My bigger issues would be. Who was with these girls? Who was supervising the drinking? They are 16 are they allowed out to drink alone in a bars? That is asking for problems surely?

LtJudyHopps · 29/03/2019 21:46

You sound like a MASSIVE snob. I come from - shock horror! - a working class family, was the first to go to university. I never once saw domestic violence or mental health problems. If you’re so certain her parents are ‘functioning alcoholics’ why did you let your precious DD go away with them when you clearly think so little of them?
No matter how much encouraging you do, you will not ‘cool’ this friendship. My friends were my friends and I chose them, not my parents. Teenagers always think they know better than their parents but S doesn’t sound like a bad friend to have from one night of getting drunk - which your DD also did remember!!

NWQM · 29/03/2019 22:00

If you think that the activities they are doing are affecting your DD because she isnt studying then I'd say maybe. Unfortunately your comments suggest that you just don't approve of her background. Can you really not find it your heart to be part of the way she breaks the cycle and mets the potential she clearly has?

Your assumption that none of your daughters friends have been exposed to the list of things she has is actually statistically unlikely. Her list though sounds very sad. And yet she is articulate, you say a good loyal friend and does well at school. I'm not really clear what's not to encourage in the friendship here if I'm honest. They both - in for care - over indulged. She is suitably embarrassed by it.

myrtleWilson · 29/03/2019 22:04

Your updates are really not helping you here OP Hmm

CottonSock · 29/03/2019 22:05

I think it's called being a teenager

Kolo · 29/03/2019 22:07

So you let 2 16yo girls in your care go out to a bar unsupervised and now they’ve come home drunk you think they should cool their friendship?

LatentPhase · 29/03/2019 22:10

16 year old drinks too much while on holiday - hold the front page!

Surely is nothing to do with her ‘background’ or her class.

I think you need to chill the heck out.

Plus at 16 whaddayagonna actually do (apart from not being her on holiday in future)?

pallisers · 29/03/2019 22:10

So you let 2 16yo girls in your care go out to a bar unsupervised and now they’ve come home drunk you think they should cool their friendship?

This. What were you thinking? Where was your supervision?

You can't cool the friendship. Your dd is 16 - it isn't like you can just stop taking her to the playground to meet her friend.

I think this is an opportunity for you to have an adult chat with this girl and your daughter about drinking. But I am still shocked that you let this happen when she was in your care.

pallisers · 29/03/2019 22:12

domestic violence, drunkenness and has a history of poor MH that isn't common among DD friend group.

You are remarkably naive if you think this kind of thing is limited by class. And I would be worried about your dd's capacity to hold her drink if I were you. Of the two, the one who got drunk seems the less seasoned drinker.

poseybobblehat · 29/03/2019 22:13

Your daughter got pissed and you're blaming it on her friend's background

Merryoldgoat · 29/03/2019 22:14

This is hilarious. Do you honestly believe that crap you spouted?

I was a your DD’s friend in this scenario. I fell in with a group of MC private school kids. You have never met a more dysfunctional group of adults as their parents nor teenagers who drank as much.

Let’s hope the ‘leftie’ politics take hold and your DD is a bit less daft than her mother when she grows up.

FelixTitling · 29/03/2019 22:15

I feel.lile a huge snob writing this

Hmmm. Because you are.

Loubylou79 · 29/03/2019 22:16

Domestic violence, drunkenness and poor mental health are classless. They can affect anyone. Domestic violence in particular is proven by statistics so don’t let your snobbery cloud the reality

PauciloquentBumfuzzle · 29/03/2019 22:17

Sorry, I should clarify... it's not that she's WC as I knowbthats not even really a thing nowadays but it's more that she has been exposed to things my daughter hasn't... and has a history of poor MH that isn't common among DD friend group

Ban me for being truthful - bit of a snobby cunt aren't you? Do you really think that working class and domestic violence, drunkenness are interchangeable? Mutually exclusive? Best thing your daughter could do is go to uni and never return home!

Onceuponacheesecake · 29/03/2019 22:19

I frankly find it astonishing and so awfully judgemental that you associate WC with domestic violence, drunkenness and a history of poor MH Wow. WOW

It sounds like her friend needs support. Be that parent and help her.

FelixTitling · 29/03/2019 22:20

I had a conversation with my 15 Yr old dd tonight about what to do when you start drinking and your friends, or you, get drunk.

I now realise my advice was all wrong. I didn't mention using a golf cart even once!

Must be my working class upbringing.

Of course I'm not working class now... Cos that's not really a thing nowadays is it.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 29/03/2019 22:28

A 16 year old?? You are treating them like they are 6. Utterly ridiculous.

Kolo · 29/03/2019 22:30

A few questions:

  1. if you believe S’s parents are alcoholics, why did you let your (then) 15yo daughter go away with them?

  2. do you think S is exposed to DV, alcoholism and MH issues at home? And you let them take your daughter on holiday?

  3. do you think you’d have any idea if the parents in your DDs circle of friends suffered DV or alcoholism?

  4. do you believe that DV, alcoholism and poor MH is a working class issue?

  5. did you allow the girls in your care to go to a bar unsupervised? If you were there, how did they manage to drink so much?

  6. if your DD can ‘handle her drink’ better than S, do you think that might be because she has built up a tolerance already?