DD best friend + drinking

[MrsKahlo]

NC as outing. Asking for genuine advice.

Cut a long story short but try not to drip feed.

DD16 and her best friend (call her S) are inseparable. Spend most days together and all.weekends. have boyfriends but always put each other first.

S comes from a working class family and parents are both functioning alcoholics. S is a good kid but maybe a bit too.mature for her age? V opinionated and 'lefty political' which is catching with DD. Both attend rallies etc but S ability to judge before speaking often makes things awkward. I digress.

S family took DD away for long weekend last year so myself and DH reciprocated and have both girls plus my DS1 (DS2 at home with friends) away for long weekend.

Girls have been allowed to drink responsibly before when on holiday or at home on occasion. Last night S got so drunk at a local bar she fell over and couldn't get up and we had to ask for a golf cart to get her home.

I'm worried she's following in her parents footsteps and my DD will follow suit. She is suitably ashamed of herself today but I fear about this friendship. AIBU to cool this friendship when they return home?

There is a second working class person who is a leftie and not a card carrying Brexiteer who thinks Stephen Yaxley-Lennon is not a bad bloke!

Seriously, an opportunity to talk to your DD about responsible drinking, and also about some of the left's tolerance of anti-semitism and views on women.

You're astounded at the amount of judgement on here yet your OP absolutely reeks of judgement! You really can't see it, can you?

I'm worried about how to make sure that my daughter doesn't have overexposure to alcohol and alcoholism and I'm being criticised? Wow

I think the main reason you're being criticised, apart from the fairly stupid 'working class' comment, is that you left 2 teenage girls unsupervised in a bar and are blaming your daughter's friend for the outcome, instead of accepting your own responsibility for it.

Who allows 16 yr old girls to sit on their own in a bar drinking cocktails?

Perhaps S's parents will try to cool the friendship...

So actually all this girl has done differently to your dd is to be involved with 'leftie' politics then right? Despite your misgivings about her home life she is high achieving at school and they Both drank the same amount so it's not as if she led your daughter astray. You sound quite eager to make her a scapegoat. Be really, really honest with yourself here, would you have the same reaction if a middle class friend of your dd had got pissed like this?

I think it's also worth considering that if they both drank the same amount but your daughter 'handled' the alcohol better, she may have more experience drinking than her mate. That was always the experience of my friends. The real piss heads were the ones who could go on a bender and still stand up at the end of it. I wonder if you've actually got things the wrong way round here and your daughter was encouraging her mate to drink more than she was comfortable with.

You talk about this girl working less hard now, despite being clever. You would be doing her a massive favour if you talked to her about this. Women and particularly working class girls have to work much harder to succeed and you should talk to about this. Be a parent to her.

I've taken it on board and won't try to interfere in their relationship but I'm astounded at the amount of judgement here. I'm worried about how to make sure that my daughter doesn't have overexposure to alcohol and alcoholism and I'm being criticised? Wow.

If you’d come at it from this angle you would have COMPLETELY different responses to the ones you are getting. You came at it blaming S and her WC family for your daughter drinking - when she was with YOU!
Educate her on the danger of getting in a drunken state when out. Don’t shield her from the reality of what can happen if you get paralytic drunk. My DP’s parents have hadissues with alcohol his whole life. As a result he is not a big drinker, he’ll have a few socially but not really indoors.

@MrsKahlo re read your first post.

Can you honestly not see what has upset everyone?

domestic violence, drunkenness and has a history of poor MH that isn't common among DD friend group

I'm affaid your eithet a snob or a judgemental uncompasionate twit (i could think of other words but twit is the kindest)

You want to cool this friendship because your little precious, who btw is SIXTEEN, hasn't been exposed to drink, DV and MH. Well you cant wrap them up in cotton wool forever.

And heres a thing don't you think maybe S is crying out for a bit of loce and attention. Maybe your daughters friendship is the only thing that tops her mental health detoriating. Maybe S needs a little bit of guidenence. Instead of going ok i see maybe i can help this child i can be the role model you want to abandon her and leave her to her fate of in your own words drink DV and MH. As long as your precious doesnt come in to it hay.

Also interesting that while in S parents care neither S or your daughter got so drunk they needed a golf cart to carry them home yet in YOUR care S did.

You didnt want to reply to this thread ok typical i'll asl middle class mumsnet they'll all agree, oh shit they dont but i'm not wrong so i'll run away then OP

twitter.com/mumsnet_madness/status/1112303438745006080?s=19 you're famous!

Off topic but I don't understand how 16 year olds have time for all this. Dd2 is working towards gcses and does little else.

Have to say, I’m questioning S’s parents judgement here.

I would never, ever, allow my child in to a home where there are drug issues and where she is being given gin.

It just sounds like such an unstable environment.

Indeed justhere. Other parents could be concerned about their daughter being exposed to drugs...

There's no backtracking from bringing up the class comment.

I grew up MC and have shunned the entire way of thinking and spent most of my life living in working class areas, as far from where I grew up as possible. Because of the disgusting attitudes of my MC parents and their snobby, snotty MC neighbours.

I've seen more drinking and drug issues from MC families, particularly the upper MC ones. it's no wonder I was so put off.

I went to a naice MC school, and didn't think anyone else was experiencing the DV I was. Years later, I reconnected with a lot of people from my year group and it turned out several of them were being abused in some way at home, or witnessing one parent abusing the other. Most of us have got varying chronic MH conditions.

People hide things, OP.

Please get off your horse.

You can't seem to understand that your own daughter is just as culpable as S for them gettng drunk. Upbringing is irrelevant in this, and without being unkind this is evident in the fact that your son has his own issues with addiction. People are angry because you brought up class and politics and essentially used this as a reason to suggest all blame is on S but none on your seemingly perfect daughter.
Ultimately they are still children and regardless pf legal drinking age in the country they are in they are your responsibility to supervise and protect. You messed up. It really is that simple, if anything you owe her parents an apology.
Please wake up and understand this, these girls are still learning about life and how to handle alcohol. This makes them vulnerable and now is the time to talk honestly and openly with them to help them understand that, but for god sake do not bring up this girls upbringing when you do.

Cross posted with you there about your daughter being able to handle the drink. So basically the reason this S was plastered was because she's petite then? Nothing to do with her upbringing then is it? Again you could argue a more experienced drinker would know not to drink the same amount as their larger friend...

I knew the cannabis thing was going to get thrown back at me. I was trying to be honest.

My son only started smoking when he hung round with boys from the same estate as S. Hence why I'm frightened

Honestly op I'm not using it to throw it back at you or to be hurtful, I'm just trying to pojnt out the hypocrisy of you suggesting that only the wc have these kind of issues and that it is simply not true.
Class snobbery is such a horrible thing, it is incredibly offensive

Blaming other people's kids for your own children's behaviour is never helpful. We are all going to meet different people from different environments and backgrounds with different values. Perhaps you need to teach your children to take responsibility for their own actions rather than giving them the impression that the influence of other people is what gets them into trouble. The very worst thing you can do is try and keep your daughter away from S and effectively tell her that s is to blame if she drinks too much or doesn't work hard enough. No. Your daughter is to blame if she makes poor decisions, just as your son was to blame for the decisions he made, whoever he hung around with.

S parents are the ones who initially brought up the question of the girls having a drink in the house once in a blue moon (family parties etx) and to my knowledge they have always both respected the limits both families have put in place. I would never have initiated it. I do think S brig around alcohol makes her more susceptible to alcoholism than my dd. One of my son's has an addiction to cannabis and I'm very very wary of allowing anything into DD life that is going to be similarly addictive.

And yet when in your charge under your rules you decided that your daughter who you don't want to become addicted, and the girl you think is predisposed towards alcohol addiction could be allowed unlimited access to an addictive and toxic substance at an age where it's illegal in the UK, not only that she should have access to it in the context of normalising it as a fun thing for underage girls to do, but you knowingly let her have access to a deceptively sweet tasting but very strong version of it. You could have easily said "No girls, you're sixteen, I understand S's parents let you drink at family parties but I consider you to be too young, so rules on this holiday are no alcohol." You could have said half a cider with dinner only. Can you see why I'm not really sold on your claim that you weren't negligent in all of this?

The reason I mention cooking their friendship is because I think they spend A LOT of time together and that it may be that being in S house as much as they are is making alcohol more accessible.

You gave them unlimited (until the money ran out) access to strong cocktails until one fell over. Total pot kettle black.

The girls have managed their own socialising and budget on previous nights and previous holidays and so their record proved they could be trusted

Well now you know. 16 year old girls don't know their limits with alcohol. Who'd have thought it. If you were in such close proximity did you not notice they'd had more than enough?

I'm astounded at the amount of judgement here. I'm worried about how to make sure that my daughter doesn't have overexposure to alcohol and alcoholism and I'm being criticised? Wow.

And yet you let her and her friend be overexposed to strong alcohol on your watch and aren't willing to accept an iota of responsibility.

OP, you sound utterly deluded.

You have a son addicted to drugs, and you’re blaming someone else.

You have a daughter who sounds like she’s already a fairly seasoned drinker at 16, and you’re blaming someone else.

Time to take some responsibility here.

You're worried about your daughter's friend being a child of functioning alcoholics so when you have her in your care you allow her and your DD to drink?

Did you have a brain glitch?

S has only got so drunk she needed a golf cart to carry her home whilst hanging around with your daughter IN YOUR CARE

I suspect her parents are quite concerned too.

My parents are alcoholics and people like you made my teenage years utterly miserable.
I was always friendly and polite with good morals but I was a bit of a Goth and snobby parents couldn't see past my upbringing or dress sense.
I was incredibly lonely and everytime I made a friend I knew as soon as we got close, their parents would force them to pull away. Some even said this directly to me.
Your DD is 16, capable of thinking for herself and could just have easily been the bad influence in the situation you've described. Stop judging a kid on what her parents do, if her parents are alcoholics she probably doesn't need anymore shit thrown her way.

You are a complete and utter snob. You are also that parent who believes her DD is an angel and its everyone else's fault if she does anything wrong.

Yes, you definitely need to take some responsibility too op. You can't just stand on the sidelines throwing your hands up in despair and blaming everything on other kids and their parents. You fucked up here by allowing them to drink so much.