DD best friend + drinking

[MrsKahlo]

NC as outing. Asking for genuine advice.

Cut a long story short but try not to drip feed.

DD16 and her best friend (call her S) are inseparable. Spend most days together and all.weekends. have boyfriends but always put each other first.

S comes from a working class family and parents are both functioning alcoholics. S is a good kid but maybe a bit too.mature for her age? V opinionated and 'lefty political' which is catching with DD. Both attend rallies etc but S ability to judge before speaking often makes things awkward. I digress.

S family took DD away for long weekend last year so myself and DH reciprocated and have both girls plus my DS1 (DS2 at home with friends) away for long weekend.

Girls have been allowed to drink responsibly before when on holiday or at home on occasion. Last night S got so drunk at a local bar she fell over and couldn't get up and we had to ask for a golf cart to get her home.

I'm worried she's following in her parents footsteps and my DD will follow suit. She is suitably ashamed of herself today but I fear about this friendship. AIBU to cool this friendship when they return home?

Now I'm ignoring most of your post as it's been covered above. I just want to comment on functional alcoholics as parents. Unfortunately this will probably impact on S as people's attitudes towards alcohol are formed by observing their parents. There's lots of research on it. I'm not sure how or if you can help her form a different relationship with alcohol, but you could start by not allowing 16 yos to go to a bar and get legless... Start modelling a responsible relationship with alcohol. That will benefit both her and your daughter.

Wow, judging her for mental health issues and 'following in her parents footsteps'? You sound like a right charmer OP, really nice. Shame you can't live your life being insulated from being infected by all us working class folk

I see the op has run away

Why would you allow your daughter away with alcoholics? I’m guessing one of these parents would have been driving the kids at some point?

Who was supervising these 16 year old girls whilst they got into this state during the weekend you took them away?
Your very judgy of this girl and her family and yet they got into this state on your watch and not the other parents.
The girls drank the same amount, who’s to say it wasn’t your daughter egging her on?

You do realise that these ‘children’ who have a more chaotic home life (alcoholism, domestic violence) need MORE people looking out for them and not have people cast them aside and write them off whilst they are still young. They need guidance instead of doors in their faces

OP I understand you. I was your daughter in a very similar friendship, and no it did not end well for my friend down the line despite years of trying to help her. She had too much baggage. It's not wrong to want better for your daughter, my mum did with me. I don't think you're being snobby. I always used to get so angry with my mum for writing my friend off so young (though she never showed it to her). Unfortunately though, in the end she was right.

So your daughter drank the same amount but because this girl was drunk she's a bad yin? Maybe your daughter has had more practice and can hold her drink. You sound a dreadful interfering mother, working class, a leftie, opinionated; how very dare she. Keep this up and your DD will be off the minute she can.

You do also know that MH issues aren’t contagious don’t you? As you have put this as a reasoning to ‘cool’ the relationship as if this girl had a choice over it

@Kolo beat me to it with these:

“1) if you believe S’s parents are alcoholics, why did you let your (then) 15yo daughter go away with them?

2. do you think S is exposed to DV, alcoholism and MH issues at home? And you let them take your daughter on holiday?”

I feel desperately sorry for S. I too would like to know who was with the two girls at the “local bar”?

Genuine question - why do you think that it’s relevant that S is working class?

I don’t know how you can cool the friendship. Yes, you can not invite her on holiday again but your DD can and will still choose to be friends with her.

It’s not the best behaviour, but I think it can be good for young people to learn their limits and the consequences of drink while they’re young! I wouldn’t worry too much just yet.

You are a terrific snob. Shame on you.

I am a child of a functioning alcoholic. It absolutely has affected my relationship with alcohol. I saw what I did not want to be and
I have never drunk to excess. (Whilst nearly everyone else I went to school and uni did)

Apart from that - what @Kolo said

I am one of four children of an alcoholic. I hardly drink and neither do my siblings. Don't judge her on her parents.

Also, I come from a very MC background. I grew up seeing domestic abuse, alcoholism and a lot of my very MC family have a lot of mental health problems. It's definitely not a class thing and what you've said is very very offensive.

My DP comes from a WC background and his family hasn't suffered with any of those things. Stop judging.

So a child in your care got so drunk she fell over and you're considering cutting her and her family off?!

Where were you when the the children were drinking alcohol?

Why were they seemingly unsupervised in a public bar, I'm guessing abroad?!

Why do you expect somebody who is not even of legal drinking age yet, to know their own limits?!

If I were the other parents I'd be seriously considering not leaving my child in your care again.

You can't cool the friendship, it's not your choice. She's too old for that. You could ban them from seeing each other but I doubt that would work, nor would it have a positive effect.

Personally I wouldn't worry too much about the drinking, unless there are other incidents accompanying this one that have concerned you. 16 yr Olds don't know their limits and can get silly. Lord knows I did when I was that age. I'm not saying it's ok and you just laugh it off but I don't think it's indicative of a more serious problem. I would just say to DD that it was unacceptable to be so drunk and if it ever happens again they will have proved that they aren't mature enough to drink responsibly. That means they can't be trusted to drink with you. No buying them a few beers on a Friday, no taking them to the pub for a few drinks if you're on holiday.

Also... Minor point... Why was it mentioned that DD's friend's family are working class? That was a very odd point to include in your OP...

If I was S’s parents and you’d facilitated S getting drunk, underage, by not supervising them properly, I’d be ‘cooling off’ the friendship with you. WTF were you thinking??

This CANT be real.

Genuinely considered not even responding to this but feel I have to defend my corner here.

To those calling me a snob- I'm not. I'm simply stating that S has had a different upbringing from my daughter and may have a different relationship with alcohol.

S parents are the ones who initially brought up the question of the girls having a drink in the house once in a blue moon (family parties etx) and to my knowledge they have always both respected the limits both families have put in place. I would never have initiated it. I do think S brig around alcohol makes her more susceptible to alcoholism than my dd. One of my son's has an addiction to cannabis and I'm very very wary of allowing anything into DD life that is going to be similarly addictive.

The reason I mention cooking their friendship is because I think they spend A LOT of time together and that it may be that being in S house as much as they are is making alcohol more accessible.

In terms of where I was when they got drunk I was in the restaurant part attached to the bar. The girls have managed their own socialising and budget on previous nights and previous holidays and so their record proved they could be trusted.

I was over to them within 30 seconds of the fall and slept in my daughter's bed to make sure S didn't vomit in her sleep. I was not negligent at all in this.

I also haven't decided yet whether or not to.infoem parents now or to wait until home as I'm mulling this all over.

This as probably me at 16. I'm about as posh as they come. In comparison to most of my mates I was pretty responsible. Particularly in terms of drugs. If your daughter is friends with someone a little more world wise it's going to be a good thing. Personally I'd let this be. She got drunk in a safe setting. It could have been a lot worse.

You are being a snob and unfair.
I could've been that girl, without the domestic violence and you know what? I turned out fine.
You'll likely find she'd be repulsed at the idea of being like her parents.
I'm glad your daughter is kinder than you.

Also, it'll only be a couple of years until alcohol is as accessible as it can be. You can't shelter her forever from it, just keep talking.

Gosh, I really wouldn't be happy about my daughter being around this at all. A family member who is a drug addict where the parents allow her to get falling-down drunk on their watch. I think, in all your judging, you've missed the fact that your family isn't perfect either, OP.
Adults drinking alcohol is not illegal. Children drinking alcohol outside of their home is. People of any age smoking cannabis is also. So, who are the ones on the wrong side of the law and therefore what society deems as appropriate behaviour here? But it's ok is it, because you're not, shudder, working class?

I think you are a bit snobbish OP but I also kind of understand your concerns.

I don’t think what your daughter/S did was so very bad - me and my mates regularly drank too much and made tits of ourselves at their age. 20 years on we are all fairly respectable citizens. I was probably one of the worst for excessive drinking 😳 but I was still very engaged at school, got good marks, went on to university & am now a lawyer (not that’s a happy ending 😂). In fact your description of S reminded me of me at school though my parents are virtually teetotallers... We were middle class kids at a lovely girls-only college in a leafy suburb. At 16 you don’t know your limits and can v quickly go from tipsy to head down the loo. Hopefully S and your daughter will have learnt their lesson. Frankly I would rather my kids test their limits with alcohol than cannabis after seeing some close relations develop dependency issues and consequently MH issues so I understand why you’re nervous.

Poor op is copping a pasting. It is very true to say though that domestic violence, alcoholism and mental illness are hardly unique to “working class” people. I think there is also some truth in the idea that poverty can exacerbate these issues. I also think though that it is quite possible to be the most socially and materially advantaged person in the world and still be very very unhappy. Look at athe drug addiction, suicide rates and failed relationships among wealthy celebrities for example. À

I was frequently drunk from the age of 15. I have no interest in alcohol now. It's just something some teenagers do. I don't think you can stop them being friends.

She's 16 and, to your knowledge, had been drunk once. You want to cut her off from hey best friend of 8 years because you weren't adequately supervising them. Almost all 16 year olds experiment with alcohol, abusive household or not. At least she did it when you were there. If you discourage her from seeing her friend she is more likely to become secretive and drink and do other things without making you aware. Which is more concerning to me.

As an aside. If must have taken quite a while for her to get so drunk. If you were in the next room didn't you think to pop in once or twice and check on them?

YABU and totally unfair on your daughters friend.