DD best friend + drinking

[MrsKahlo]

NC as outing. Asking for genuine advice.

Cut a long story short but try not to drip feed.

DD16 and her best friend (call her S) are inseparable. Spend most days together and all.weekends. have boyfriends but always put each other first.

S comes from a working class family and parents are both functioning alcoholics. S is a good kid but maybe a bit too.mature for her age? V opinionated and 'lefty political' which is catching with DD. Both attend rallies etc but S ability to judge before speaking often makes things awkward. I digress.

S family took DD away for long weekend last year so myself and DH reciprocated and have both girls plus my DS1 (DS2 at home with friends) away for long weekend.

Girls have been allowed to drink responsibly before when on holiday or at home on occasion. Last night S got so drunk at a local bar she fell over and couldn't get up and we had to ask for a golf cart to get her home.

I'm worried she's following in her parents footsteps and my DD will follow suit. She is suitably ashamed of herself today but I fear about this friendship. AIBU to cool this friendship when they return home?

Right.

It's the other teenagers' fault for introducing them to cocktails now too.

Got it.

Definitely not your fault that a child in your care collapsed from alcohol intoxication.

Thought not.

Op take a look at the situation and imagine if you will a post from S's families perspective.

'My dd was away with her best friends family who we trusted to look after her. We have found out that they allowed the girls to go drinking in a bar, and our daughter was allowed to drink so much alcohol she could barely stand as they weren't bothering to supervise. She is only 16. We are also aware that there is a drug addict in the family and are worried about our dd spending so much time with this girl who could well take influence from her brother and get dd mixed up in drugs. What should we do? This girl and her family are from a more wealthy background than us and we fear if there was ever any trouble all blame would fall on our dd. '

Hardly seems a perfect family op, cant say I'd want my children going away with you!

you're pretending class doesn't matter when we all know it does
No actually i dont think it does but if you do want to bring class into it, the middle class are known to drink like fish as well but its ok because its naice wine etc.

I think op youve failed in your head at bringing your kids up and you need someone to blame for it, and dds friend and her "uneducated" parents living in their ex council house are an easy target.

Tell ya what id much rather socialise with them that someone like you.

Get your head out your arse and re assess what the real problem is.

It's interesting @MrsKahlo that you still haven't answered questions like why you let your daughter go away with the family and so forth.

I wonder if you have worked out what you are going to say to S's family about how come she wasn't safe in your care?

Class unfortunately still matters - someone's background, their circumstances of birth still mean that they get judge. You know S to be loyal. Intelligent. articulate & does well educationally but she just ain't good enough for you because of her postcode.

Honestly, it can't be real. Who the hell takes someone else's kid on holiday, accepting parental responsibility for them, then sits on another part of an establishment, doesn't check on them at all, whilst they get wankered then says well it's clearly not my fault I didn't take responsibility and it's not my kids fault for getting drunk either, it's clearly all the fault of the other kid and their working class parents,

You had parental responsibility here. That child could have died. On your bloody watch. Do you have no shame?

White Collar, Ex council house....you have just described my parents to a T....they were the best parents I could ask for who showed me if I was willing to work hard I could achieve anything!! I own my own home does it give me the right to look down on somebody in a council house? You are a Twat and it's spelt CORBYN...

So it's another group of teens fault now. Your kids know what to say to get round you don't they?!

If you really want to protect your dd from going down the same path as her brother then you need to hold them (and yourself) accountable for their fuck ups.

Oh so your DD is innocent in all of this is she?

What part of YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM are you not getting OP?

Take some responsibility for the children in your care and maybe broaden your political horizons a bit...

I think OP would love to be MC but I'm guessing she grew up on a council estate and worked hard to get a "better life" if you look at it this way the working class parents child has morals...where the MC has a drug addict !!

Class unfortunately still matters - someone's background, their circumstances of birth still mean that they get judge. You know S to be loyal. Intelligent. articulate & does well educationally but she just ain't good enough for you because of her postcode.

^This. Sadly, it's true. Class shouldn't matter, but it does, because of judgemental types like the OP. The friend sounds lovely, the sort of friend I'd like my DDs to have. I'd enjoy discussing politics with her; life would be very boring if everyone thought the same way.

@MrsKahlo

I asked before but you may have missed it in your political indignation -

Who allows 16 yr old girls to sit on their own in a bar drinking cocktails?

You were the adult. You were in charge. Why did you sit in one room while two 16 yr olds were drinking in the other bar? Did the safety risks not even occur to you?

To leave two sixteen year olds in a local bar on holiday, and not check on them once, who actually does that?

Yes they both have a responsibility.but thr op had assumed parental responsibility and completely acted like they were fuck all to do with her. And is still acting like it,

Whatever she does, whatever her daughter does whatever her son does, from being neglectful to under age drinking or doing drugs and it's all someone else's fault.

And yes I'd bet thr op is working class, but feels she's now not becausebshe bought her own home,

People who don't take ownership of their parental responsibilities really hack me off,

This has to be a wind-up, doesn't it?

You've blamed literally everyone else for your childrens' behaviour. You've made repeated comments about S's working class status as a reason for her "issues" (as you see them) then claim everyone else is making a big deal of it because they've internalised it.

FWIW, I'm from a working class background - and chippy about it when faced with folks like you. It was kids like yours who did the most amount of drugs and boozing when I was at uni, and it was kids like yours who got away with it because their mummies and daddies blamed everyone else when their kids fucked up their educations and their lives.

Ugh. Really. You're actually repugnant.

I made a comment about class and you're pretending class doesn't matter when we all know it does.

We are not pretending class doesn’t matter. It’s a fact that alcoholism, DV and Poor MH span all classes. That you feel so strongly that they are only working class issues that you publicly claim everyone else is pretending shows incredible prejudice. I could give you loads of anecdotes about all the teens I knew and know now from different classes, but you really should just do some research yourself.

Here, this is the first thing that came up when I googled. Data is from ONS.

*Socioeconomic groups' relationship with alcohol

Statistics on socioeconomic groups' relationship with alcohol suggest that although the proportion of people who drink regularly has fallen slightly in the last few years, those who drink heavily (above recommended guidelines) has risen, dramatically in the case of working people, who drink most frequently and to greater extent than those who are unemployed or economically inactive.

The figures also show that average alcohol consumption levels have remained steady among those who are employed. An individual is more likely to drink regularly and above recommended limits during the week if s/he is a high-income earning managerial/professional worker.

These statistics support media reports alluding to the idea of the middle-class professional who drinks with alarming regularity to levels of excess. As alcohol has become increasingly available and affordable over time, a larger proportion of the population has been able to drink relatively large quantities of alcohol consistently. For example, one feature titled 'Drink secrets of the middle-class', stated that career women working in a larger organisation or with higher managerial jobs were drinking twice the amount of women in manual jobs.[1] A study in the BioMed Central found that among middle class wine drinkers, there was also a common perception that health warnings could be ignored because “their own drinking was problem-free”, even if it regularly exceeded recommended guidelines.[2]

Excessive alcohol consumption can also be symptomatic of the problem of unhealthy lifestyle habits among high-income earners. This is reflected in data such as the recent Public Health Survey for Wales, which reported that adults in managerial and professional households reported healthier lifestyles in terms of smoking, obesity and fruit and vegetable consumption, but not for alcohol consumption or physical activity.[3] This is demonstrated in Figure 7 below.*

Also says this, which is pretty bleak.

Yet, official data also shows that the negative health outcomes of alcohol consumption fall disproportionately on the unemployed, manual workers, and those on poorer incomes.

Wow just wow OP. Your responses just keep getting worse. Your snobbishness is awful.

You blame everyone else for your DCs behaviour. You need them to take personal responsibility for their actions, and see how their behaviour reflects on you. I am very very surprised you think its okay to leave the 16s drinking in a bar alone and somehow manage to blame the friend's parents who are miles away at home.

I happen to think that getting drunk at 16 is fairly normal. Though they are not usually at liberty to drink cocktails in bars with permission from parents! And have sufficient funds to do so!

But i cant see how its the working class familly's fault. Its yours. And your DS - he clearly was not brought up by you to make good decisions. This is not the fault of other people or the estate they live on.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

To address a few concerns

Her parents are functioning alcoholics. I know this because both girls have told me and I've seen both parents drunk at pick up. Not falling down drunk; I've had a few too many white wines drunk. I do not stop my daughter going over there or sleeping over or going away because she has been doing so since childhood and they are lovely people who may have some flaws - don't we all - and I don't believe my daughter would come to harm under their care. The DV was between S older brother and mum. Brother no longer lives at home and S has no contact.

There's some hypocrisy here that I am a. Too precious and b. Too negligent- which one is it?

I honestly came on here for advice and peer support not slating

You let your child when she was little stay with two people who you knew to be alcoholics and who even turn up drunk on the school run? 😱

There's some hypocrisy here

And a heavy dose of irony.

I cannot believe that you are 'pleased' that a CHILD who drank herself to illness on your watch is ashamed of herself.

Please tell me you have comforted her, told her we all do silly things, given her eg water to help her feel better, and generally shown her one ounce of the kindness and compassion your posts so utterly lack towards a girl who has done nothing wrong.

Class only matters in terms of the doors open to you and the judgments people make, which is a great moral wrong; it does not define who you are or make you trashy or somehow unfit to have a friend from a different background.

I work with girls her age and honestly, my heart is breaking for her. She knows how you feel about her and she knows why. She knows you'll take this mistake- on YOUR WATCH - and look down on her even further.

You wanted peer support? You won't get it from me. The way you look at this child is a disgrace. You are a heartless cow and if you were my mother I would be so utterly ashamed of you.