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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD best friend + drinking

157 replies

MrsKahlo · 29/03/2019 21:07

NC as outing. Asking for genuine advice.

Cut a long story short but try not to drip feed.

DD16 and her best friend (call her S) are inseparable. Spend most days together and all.weekends. have boyfriends but always put each other first.

S comes from a working class family and parents are both functioning alcoholics. S is a good kid but maybe a bit too.mature for her age? V opinionated and 'lefty political' which is catching with DD. Both attend rallies etc but S ability to judge before speaking often makes things awkward. I digress.

S family took DD away for long weekend last year so myself and DH reciprocated and have both girls plus my DS1 (DS2 at home with friends) away for long weekend.

Girls have been allowed to drink responsibly before when on holiday or at home on occasion. Last night S got so drunk at a local bar she fell over and couldn't get up and we had to ask for a golf cart to get her home.

I'm worried she's following in her parents footsteps and my DD will follow suit. She is suitably ashamed of herself today but I fear about this friendship. AIBU to cool this friendship when they return home?

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 31/03/2019 07:33

“I'm simply stating that S has had a different upbringing from my daughter and may have a different relationship with alcohol.”

IME the relationship children of alcoholics have with alcohol is the opposite of what you’re worrying about...

I’d be more worried about why your child can drink the same amount and not be drunk tbh.

Flaverings · 31/03/2019 07:55

I wonder what AIBU her family would write!

Something about you returning the favour of a weekend away and letting their underage daughter get so drunk she hurt herself, how they'd managed to keep both girls safe and not drunk? That your daughter drunk the same but appears to be a hardened drinker as she was hardly affected? I wonder if they'd be asking for advice on how to deal with you?

Isth · 31/03/2019 08:04

I was literally just thinking the same @Flaverings !! You sound like a snob because you are a snob OP. I can’t get over you seeming to think tht issues such as alcoholism, poor mental health etc are limited to working class Hmm what goes on behind closed doors...

willwinlottery · 31/03/2019 08:20

I also agree with @Flaverings.
If S was my daughter I'd want to cool the friendship because her friend's family are snobby and narrow minded, and failed to supervise them on a weekend away so that they were able to get steaming drunk.

ExtraPineappleExtraHam · 31/03/2019 08:23

I was this friend. Best friends mum was MC, I was from a WC single parent family. Best friend was an absolute nightmare when drunk, falling over, getting in with much older men, stealing. I used to carry her home to make sure she got home ok. Next minute her mum had banned me from the house as I was a 'bad influence.' Hmm
Do you know who she embraced with open arms? All those MC girls from the guides who had the actual hard drugs which her dd abused for many years. I quietly got on with my life, went to uni, had a family. The mum still lives near me and we talk now. I even feed her cat when she goes on holiday. Talk to me again about us WC with our lack of morals?

EnglishRose13 · 31/03/2019 09:05

I once got absolutely wasted at a friends family party. So bad that I had to be taken to hospital. I was 15.

I'm not a raging alcoholic now.

And though my friends parents most definitely saw me as the "bad influence" because it was always me that got caught out, I most certainly wasn't!

I think you're overreacting. And your daughters higher tolerance of alcohol would suggest to me that maybe she actually drinks more regularly than her poor, working class friend.

prozacgirl · 31/03/2019 09:38

Good opportunity to educate your daughter on what 'normal' drinking means. And what it isn't. I used to be friends with a girl at school who was a total caner as were all her family and it suited me because I could go mad with them... No one took me aside to say this wasn't normal. I thought everyone drank like that. My own parents were also heavy drinkers. Whether your daughter is a heavy drinker or not you are right to be concerned - she is in the formative stages of understanding this stuff and I would be very careful to explain and model good behaviour. Not shut down the friendship but explain why she might be concerned.

Aveeno2017 · 31/03/2019 09:46

So you let your daughter go away for the weekend with Alcoholics, and you let them drink and are surprised when one if them gets drunk!!

bobo26 · 31/03/2019 09:51

Haven't RTFT but I also think you're overreacting. They're doing what teenagers do. The only real problem you seem to have is with S' background. Which shouldn't matter. You also can't choose your DD's friends. If you try to force her to cool off this friendship it'll only push her towards it even more.

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2019 09:51

To be honest I'm struggling with your post as well. Your daughter drunk just as much, why are you blaming rhe friend? They were both at it. The fact your daughter has a higher tolerance would indicate to me she's the one more used to drinking.

And her class is totally irrelevant to this story. Or her parents. Because both kids went and drunk the same amount. Simply one girl couldn't take it, and the other seems a dab hand at it.

Flaverings · 31/03/2019 10:03

So you let your daughter go away for the weekend with Alcoholics, and you let them drink and are surprised when one if them gets drunk!!

No, she let her daughter go away with Working Class Alcoholics and both girls were safe and drunk responsibly. When she took them away, they got drunk and one fell over.

Dramatical · 31/03/2019 10:09

So you let your daughter go away for the weekend with Alcoholics, and you let them drink and are surprised when one if them gets drunk!!

Not even that.

The 16yo's were with OP!!

OP - why the fuck are you letting 16 years olds drink In a bar?

PositiveVibez · 31/03/2019 10:30

I think there is also some truth in the idea that poverty can exacerbate these issues

Omfg. You can be working class and not be in poverty!!

The ignorance of some people on here is frankly astounding.

Dramatical · 31/03/2019 10:34

Good opportunity to educate your daughter on what 'normal' drinking means.

Indeed OP. Is there any particular reason you allowed your 16yo and her friend to drink at the bar?

Tinkerbell456 · 31/03/2019 10:37

Yes, PositiveVibez that’s very true. Many ‘working poor’these days though.

Whereareyouspot · 31/03/2019 10:39

Lol at this this thread!

Your son is addicted to drugs and you let two 16 year old drink themselves pissed whilst on holiday with you and yet it is the other working class family who have got it all wrong

Look inwards OP

Whereareyouspot · 31/03/2019 10:39

Oh and mental health problems, DV and addiction cross all class boundaries

Parenting is important tho

LakieLady · 31/03/2019 10:41

Good grief, OP, working class AND a lefty? I think you should prohibit this friendship forthwith and consider moving a long way away to ensure it isn't rekindled. Confused

Poor kid probably had to get pissed to cope with the judginess and pearl clutching.

TapasForTwo · 31/03/2019 10:45

You lost me at “working class”

“but it's more that she has been exposed to things my daughter hasn't... domestic violence, drunkenness and has a history of poor MH that isn't common among DD friend group.”

These things aren’t exclusive to working class families Hmm

If this was in the UK I’m surprised that the girl was served alcohol at 16, unless she has fake ID. The bars round here are shit hot at checking ID.

Dramatical · 31/03/2019 10:47

I'm kind of baffled about how far up your arse your head is OP.

YOU were responsible for these girls. YOU. Yet you blame the girls family who were not even there Hmm

Still18atheart · 31/03/2019 10:50

Ok I admit I’m from a staunchly “middle class” background and family. Alcohol abuse and mental health issues with family and friends who were also “middle class” So it’s not just a working class issue.

Yabu for facilitating the girls behaviour in the first place if you thought drinking was inappropriate and you should have stepped in if it was getting out of hand.

Personally at 16 my parents were allowing me to have alcohol i moderation but this is more than that

LakieLady · 31/03/2019 10:51

*“but it's more that she has been exposed to things my daughter hasn't... domestic violence, drunkenness and has a history of poor MH that isn't common among DD friend group.”

These things aren’t exclusive to working class families*

Yes, just ask Lady Lucan, or Nigella Lawson.

Original poster
MrsKahlo · 31/03/2019 11:07

To address the first issue of why my daughter wasn't drunk - I absolutely do not believe she is a more hardened drinker. I think this is more likely due to the different builds of the girls. DD is a good size 16, muscular and athletic (swimmer) and is 5"10. S is 5"10 also but is a size 6/8 who has a small appetite. We attended the bar after dinner where my daughter had eaten a full meal but S had just picked at some pasta. They were also drinking cocktails which are stronger than they seem due to fruit juice etc, to my knowledge have only previously drunk red wine/sangria, single gin and tonics or the odd bottle of beer.

It was not in the UK hence why they got served.

Please do not use my son's addiction against me as it is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and is not ammunition to have a go at me when I'm asking for genuine advice about what to do.

I've taken it on board and won't try to interfere in their relationship but I'm astounded at the amount of judgement here. I'm worried about how to make sure that my daughter doesn't have overexposure to alcohol and alcoholism and I'm being criticised? Wow.

OP posts:
Dramatical · 31/03/2019 11:22

I'm worried about how to make sure that my daughter doesn't have overexposure to alcohol and alcoholism and I'm being criticised? Wow.

Fuck sake, surely not? I mean no one is really that stupid?

YOU allowed them to drink FFS - now you are hitting the moral high ground Confused

Someone else mentioned you should 'look inwards' (unfortunately it was in the post about your son, which I agree, is out of line) however it's not bad advice. You can't be bitching about kids getting drunk when you facilitated their drinking!

Aveeno2017 · 31/03/2019 11:25

What age are you allowed to start drinking in this country you are in? Who paid for the drinks? As for being judgemental you brought up the topic of class!!