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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

253 replies

sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:25

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

OP posts:
wigglypiggly · 29/03/2019 19:29

Sorry about your fil. Is mil going to be living with you permanently . Is she going to be looking after the twins while you both work, try not to get too stressed, it will be difficult, how old is she.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/03/2019 19:32

The death of her life partner is of course devastating.

But why does that mean she has to move in with you?
It may be nice for a period of mourning but this can't be permanent!

Her life will of course have to change. And it would be nice of her son to support he don't hat but she needs to adjust and learn to live independently. She's not a child. She doesn't need coddling.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2019 19:34

Is this a cultural thing and so a permanent move, or just temporary?

Xyzzzzz · 29/03/2019 19:37

I think it’s a normal reaction it’s difficult having someone in your space when your not used to it

WheelyCote · 29/03/2019 19:39

Yanbu.
Give yoursrlf time to adjust.

Original poster
sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:40

She's 70 and yes, she'll be living with us permanently. I do realize that losing your long term partner is devastating, and feel really bad for her. But at the same time, I can't help but feel bad for myself, which then makes me feel selfish. She's not great with kids or helping around the house. So I feel like I've got an additional child who I'm responsible for but not ready for.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 29/03/2019 19:43

Well, you're not being unreasonable, that's for sure. Is there any way that 'together but separate' could be accommodated? Could she live in a place nearby, for example?

Is her only child your husband? Or are there other siblings that could, um, share the love?

brownjumper · 29/03/2019 19:45

Why is she living with you then? Were you asked? Did you agree?

hopeishere · 29/03/2019 19:45

Does she want to live with you? Or was it just assumed she would move? Does she have any other children close by? Are you able to set "rules" or speak honestly and openly with her?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2019 19:45

Oh op, this is awful. I would be despondent, honestly. I think you need to talk with your husband and find another solution.

Oneweekleft · 29/03/2019 19:46

Yanbu, it sounds hard but maybe try and be understanding for the first few months while shes grieving and then try and work out some ways this arrangement could work out better for all of you. There must be ways you can make things better and easier.

mondaylisasmile · 29/03/2019 19:46

What was agreed when this plan was proposed? How did you all agree it would work well in reality?

It sounds suffocating and like you're now responsible for her.. nonsense, surely your DH should be doing his share of dealing with her, and what's the plan long term - is your kid's childhood now going to be dominated by this change in household dynamic..?

Prequelle · 29/03/2019 19:46

Oh I'm so sorry OP

Who's idea was this? Was everything actually thought about properly? Like what about if/when her health declines, are you able to offer downstairs living? Who's going to help you? Is she much help around the house or is it extra work for you?

Are you able to say 'look DH this isn't working'?

AnnieMay100 · 29/03/2019 19:47

I would feel the same, I think it’s a lot of pressure for you as you now have someone else to consider. Will she be looking after your children while you work? Does she have her own room she can go to for space and likewise for yourself? Don’t let yourself get in a habit of feeling like a guest in your own home, live as you usually would and you may end up enjoying her company once you’re used to it. I’m sure your children will love having these memories with their grandma too.

QueenEhlana · 29/03/2019 19:47

I think that if she is to live with you permanently, you need to look at finding suitable accommodation. If you can have a semi-separate area for her to live in, but that she can join you at times for meals etc, then that would be far more doable than say her bedroom being right next door to yours, sharing a bathroom etc.

Prequelle · 29/03/2019 19:49

In reality you could be facing another 20 years of her being there. You NEED to get boundaries and establish a system in which you're happy because it's only going to get worse as her health declines and she becomes more at home.

Iflyaway · 29/03/2019 19:49

Was this even on the cards when you got married? Or has it been sprung on you? Was it even discussed beforehand with your husband?

I'd be well pissed off too. You have my sympathies.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/03/2019 19:49

She could live another 20 years! And then some. Did you have any input in the decision, OP?

Lifeover · 29/03/2019 19:49

Find her a small retirement flat nearby. My grandparents lived with us growing up and it has had a long lasting impact on me and nearly wrecked my parents marriage.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/03/2019 19:58

How did you allow it to get to this stage?!
Did she literally turn up one day out of the blue?
Were you consulted?
You need to speak up and tell him either she moves out or you do!

Original poster
sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:59

It is a cultural thing to some extent. But it varies from family to family. I have always seen my in-laws living their lives independently (as a couple) and as a result they were not too close to family/friends. So now, living with us is the only option that my MIL is comfortable with. My husband has a sister but she hasn't offered to share some of the responsibility of her Mom, with us.
I've been telling myself that I have to adjust and give myself time to adjust, but my stress levels don't seem to lessen and I continue to worry how we will manage everything, given our plates full already.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/03/2019 20:01

I couldn't cope with this. Wouldn't it have been cheaper and less stressful to get paid help in India for her.

Nightmanagerfan · 29/03/2019 20:05

Are you in the UK? If so presumably she has also moved country and won’t have her support network of friends and familiar environment around her?

I think it’s a bonkers idea - you say it’s the only option she feels comfortable with, but you need to consider yourself, your marriage and your children’s lives too. What does your husband think?

LightDrizzle · 29/03/2019 20:06

I’m very sorry for your MIL’s loss.
However YANBU. I would be stressed by any adult relative moving in with us permanently.
70 isn’t old unless she has health complications. Did your husband ask you if you were okay with it?
I think you should tell him that it isn’t working for you and you need to discuss an end date.
It’s telling that his sister hasn’t offered

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 29/03/2019 20:08

She’s only 70, she’s not old. Can you rent a studio apartment locally for her?

I feel for you, OP. I would hate this. You need to find a solution quickly.