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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

253 replies

sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:25

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

OP posts:
KathyS901 · 30/03/2019 04:25

I'm also confused as to HOW she came to live? My husband is Asian and the laws about even him moving to the UK have tightened hugely to the point where many families are unable to live together in the UK. I was under the impression that it would be almost impossible for any of his family to move over? So how did she just... Move?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 30/03/2019 04:47

Frequent and successive visits could land her in real trouble with U.K. Border Control, particularly if she has few ties to India now.

Blondebakingmumma · 30/03/2019 05:17

Maybe rather than your MIL staying with you, your hubby could take some time off work and go and stay with his mum in India to get her settled into her new home and routine. Maybe his sister could also take some time to go and stay with her too, until she feels more comfortable.

I’m surprised she is allowed to stay so long on a tourist visa

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/03/2019 08:16

Your husband's sister needs to chip in. It's not acceptable for her to say no and let you do everything. I'd be tempted to just say to her that it isn't working so she will have to go and move in with your SIL for a while whilst you all figure out what to do.

Fuck that. SIL is not responsible for her mother. Her mother is solely responsible for herself. If one of my siblings told me that a parent was moving on with me and I had no say I'd tell them exactly where to shove that idea.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/03/2019 08:21

Would I be a twat for suggesting getting someone to do an anonymous tip off to the home office?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/03/2019 08:25

I'd be tempted to just say to her that it isn't working so she will have to go and move in with your SIL for a while whilst you all figure out what to do.

Fuck that. SIL is not responsible for her mother.

Yup. Choosing to become a carer for a perfectly healthy 70 year old woman yourself is one thing. Thinking you can force such a ridiculous burden onto your sibling? Fuck that.

FriarTuck · 30/03/2019 08:30

SIL is not responsible for her mother.
I agree with this. It would be lovely for her to offer, just as it would be lovely if OP was willing to have her part-time / full-time. But equally both should be able to say no without it causing a fallout. I'd expect them to put their thinking caps on together, with MIL to an extent, to work out a solution. But that doesn't have to include her living with them. How financially well-off is she? Could she afford to have a full-time person with her in India and visit you & SIL for short holidays?

junebirthdaygirl · 30/03/2019 08:39

Does she need full time help? Is she incapacitated?
Widows here in Western culture live without fill time help. My dm lived for 17 years after my df died and only had help in last two years due to illness.
I can understand the financial side so both her ds and dd could send her money every month if support for the elderly is very poor where she is. I would rather cut back on all luxuries to send her money than have her living with me. Maybe your dh could journey back with her to get her set up back in her own home.
But do not feel guilty for not wanting her in your home. That is a very normal response.

proudestofmums · 30/03/2019 08:44

I would just say that if she came on a visit visa then she would have told the Home Office that she had every intention of returning to India at the end of her visit. If she now,applies for permanent settlement she would be regarded with deep suspicion if it appears that in effect she lied on that visa and had no intention of returning. She might be asked, eg, if she still had property or possessions in India when she came or when during her visit to the UK she decided she didn’t want to go back and why she couldn’t go back temporarily to apply.

Btw I am an expert

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 30/03/2019 08:48

Does she have any money of her own? Could you and sil assist in purchasing a local over 55s flat in your area? That way dh could visit when necessary and you don't need to be involved at all if you don't want to. She could visit you but will have a home of her own to go back to. The flats/bungalows are normally in little communities so no need to be lonely and a warden and emergency phones are the norm ime.

Besides if she won't go home you can use the flat yourself if you're desperate! Grin

Holidayshopping · 30/03/2019 08:51

This post is all about making things comfortable for her! What about you?

mondaylisasmile · 30/03/2019 08:55

I don't think pressuring the SIL on either!

You cannot force someone into being a full-time live in carer once MIL needs care.. you can't even force the sister to let her move in!

This just makes it her problem to deal with. Not fair or reasonable!!!

0ccamsRazor · 30/03/2019 08:57

I hope that you and your dh can find away forward with mil 'management' and accommodation.

Flowers for you op

coconutpie · 30/03/2019 09:03

No, she is not your problem - you could have another 20-30 years of this, you'll spend your children's entire childhood and longer running around after this woman. Tell DH that you can only do it for another few weeks and that's it.

JuliaAndJulia · 30/03/2019 09:03

I think getting settlement in UK is quite difficult. US is easy. Travelling frequently after 70-75 is not realistic. In her own interests it may be useful to settle her in India with whatever supports you can get/buy. But she would expect to spend few months each year in the UK for as long as she can. The visa situation might be your solution after all

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 09:04

Health insurance for her will cost as will special care when she's too old and infirm for you and husband to do it.

Ask your dh if he wants to be the one to wipe her bum in the future as it won't be you who does it.

I would hate this.

If you feel obliged to keep the situation as is I would insist on moving to a home with a granny annexe/ mother in law house. Also you have a right to expect dh to extra work. Yiu shouldn't have a third child. Ask her to help. She should be helping around the house.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 09:08

Ans I agree this isn't an op or sil problem.

Dh brought this on your family. He needs to fix it.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/03/2019 09:15

I also wouldn't be buying her a bloody flat! Any money OP forks out for this grown woman is taking away from her children.
MIL has had a lifetime to prepare for old age. If she's struggling for money she may have to look at some jobs. Ironing etc.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/03/2019 09:18

Well at least you know she can't stay with you longer than 6 months on her current visa. You need to get working now on her alternative plans.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 09:20

MIL has had a lifetime to prepare for old age

The woman is 70 and India a fairly conservative country. I wouldn't assume her financial situation was entirely up to her. Or that her money would go as far in the states. This situation is obviously unacceptable but that doesn't mean they shouldn't help her if they can.

LaurieMarlow · 30/03/2019 09:23

You poor thing, this sounds awful.

But you shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice your own life and happiness for her comfort. Be clear with your husband that she can’t stay in your house. You’ll support him when he finds other solutions, but you are t doing this.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 30/03/2019 09:24

Why wouldn't you buy her a 'bloody' flat? It's yours for her to live in. When she dies sell it or rent it out. It's for your own sanity remember.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/03/2019 09:27

@MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah because that is money that could go towards holidays, upgrades to our own home, my children's education. It may be a good investment in 25 years but how would they get rent now?!
Regardless of the situation in India. She is responsible and if she spent her life thinking that she was her children's responsibility then more fool her.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 30/03/2019 09:28

tbh i don't think my marriage would survive something like through unless there was an end date to it.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2019 09:32

Yes a 70 year old widowed Indian lady (on a tourist visa no less) is going to start taking in ironing!

The problem is that most people on here are looking at this from a Western perspective.
She has been dropped into a different country with a different culture. We don't know her background, her level of education, knowledge of English, physical condition or anything!
The most useful suggestion (from someone who knew what they were talking about) was getting her involved with local religion. Are you Sikh or Muslim OP? Is that a possibility?