AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

[sarusingh]

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

[Annasgirl]

No no OP - you need to say no. I learned on
Mumsnet that ‘no” is a complete sentence.

Either MIL goes or you do. You live in the YK (luckily for you) so you do not have to live by any culture except that one. You will get legal support for your position here.

[Annasgirl]

U.K.!!!!

[yummyeclair]

Hi, does MIL speak English or learn. You and MIL need an independent support system ie friends and or family or social groups. This way you get time for yourself. Have you any friends of same culture or from local temple/guardwara/church. It's very important you have good friends that can listen and give you a perspective on your feelings and a chance to make list of points you can discuss with husband. Hope this helps I the meantime. X

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

You need to tell your DH straight that this is not going to be a permanent solution and HE needs to sort an alternative. Surely your MIL must have some finances/savings/life insurance pay out? Can she not find a place to live nearby but independently?

Your mental health is vital to look after your own children. You do not need an extra adult who expects to be taken care of too.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

Is she even going to have access to the NHS? What about any health related issues?
Do you have enough money?!

[StillMe1]

I am shocked to read of how little empathy there is for the OP's MIL. MILs never get a good report on MN but this is a woman of 70 years who 2 months ago lost her life partner and husband. She has been transported goodness knows how far round the world to a strange culture and language. She must be shattered. It cant be nice to be living in a house where one of the adults is annoyed at her presence. If she is not good in English she will face more difficulties even simple communications like buying a packet of sweets is a major problem to her. No-one seems to think about how this lady must feel.
I was bereaved much more than 2 months ago and I still have not got myself organised totally in this new life. I really wonder if I will ever reach a new normal. I am living where I have lived for ages. I know my way around the local area and the wider areas too. I don't have language problems. I don't let my DCs know how awful this life feels to me. They have jobs and DCs of their own. I live in a fairly big house which is more than I need. I would have loved my DCs to have stayed over the odd night especially at the beginning but they didn't. I didn't like to ask them.
It is unbelievably hard to live without your husband of many years and a little kindness and consideration would go a long way. I don't agree that MIL should be in your house but nearby would be nice. I would never ask my DC to stay with me or if I could stay with them.
One day you too could be in the same shoes as OP's MIL. It is awful but there is nothing that can be changed back to the old life. It is over for ever.

[Hearhere]

I would move out and leave mummy's boy with his mummy

[endofthelinefinally]

It is awful for the poor MIL, I agree. But none of this has been thought through. People have been responding to the OP, who clearly feels guilty and does have sympathy for the MIL.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

@StillMe1 what part of what is happening is OPs responsibility?
In every marriage one of the couple is going to end up widowed. It's not a surprise. She might be mourning. And they should support her immediately after his death. But she needs to go home and sort her shit out.

[AdaColeman]

Has MIL got any financial funds that would buy her a small flat near by?
What's her visa situation?
There doesn't seem to have been much discussion with you about this huge life changing decision, what does that make you feel about your DH?

[GabriellaMontez]

I wouldn't be prepared to live like this. It could go on for decades.

[SandyY2K]

The thing is this will also impact on your DC. I have a colleague who's inlaws were over from india for a month and she was stressed and miserable the whole time.

She ended up do run down and got the flu. Even then her MIL expected to be served.

Her DC were also fed up with it too... so much so that her adult son paid for a cleaner as my colleague was run ragged.

Unless she has dual nationality she wouldn't be entitled to stay in the UK permanently. I notice you've not responded to that point... maybe that's your solution to end it.

[StillMe1]

As much as I sympathise with the MIL in her loss of her husband I would not like to be in OP's position. With my MIL she only lived a few miles away so could be supported in her own home as were my parents. There were no distance or language problems.
In every marriage, one person is likely to be left widowed. I knew my DH was very ill but he had been for years. When he died, it was hard to accept. He died while I was out of the hospital. Even though we know that one or another partner will die first it is not easy for me to cope with. I would have appreciated a bit of kindness and company from my DCs but it was not offered and I was not going to ask. I could not have left my remaining parent alone and as far away as India.
These are my feelings and views. I think that there is a possibility that I have softer feelings than most people.

[modzy78]

Unless MIL already had British citizenship, I can almost guarantee she and your husband are violating immigration law. She can't just come over with your husband with the intent to live in the UK permanently. She HAS to have a visa, which takes time, money, and loads of evidence to get. And a dependent visa for an adult is almost impossible to get, especially when it's just a case of not wanting to live alone (and when there is a sibling, presumably in India, who COULD take care of her). She is NOT eligible to access the NHS or any other public funds in her current situation. You need to sit your husband down tonight and tell him in no uncertain terms that she is not allowed to stay without a visa, and that she will need to return to India in order to even stand a chance of applying. Hopefully, that will be enough to burst his duty bubble.

[EvelynShaw]

Putting aside the visa issue (which obv, you can’t), I would be insisting that my husband reduce his work hours to look after his mother, do the cleaning, and run around after the children. Bet the arrangement would quickly resolve itself then.

[Notcontent]

Yes - that’s a very valid question - what is her immigration status? People can’t just decide to settle in the U.K. even if they have children living here....

[SkaterGrrrrl]

OP you have every right to feel depressed and unhappy, this is an awful situation for you.

It's all very well your husband offering his mum a home and getting to feel like a good son but you are the one doing all the extra work and not feeling happy in your own home....this is massively unfair and you shouldn't let him get away with it.

You need to sit down with your husband and calmly explain that you are unhappy, the situation is creating extra work and stress for you. Your mother-in-law can stay for a finite period eg five or six months - set a deadline and then say your mother-in-law needs to make other arrangements (with all due support and care from you of course) and then you want your life back.

Then you and your husband - or just your husband - needs to sit down with your mother-in-law and say, we love you, we want to support you while you're grieving but you cannot live here forever. Here are 3 other options (eg 1, 2, 3). The date we have agreed on between us is x. We need our household to return to the way it was so we can concentrate on the DC, our marriage and our careers. We will help you as much as we can but we cannot offer you a home. X date is 6 months away so that gives us time to make other plans.

[doskant]

No. No. No. I moved countries to get AWAY from my MIL. My DH decided to join me (much to her dismay). He’s been hinting at saying she could come and live with us. I’ve made it clear if she comes over she’ll be living with him only... wherever that may be. My MIL is an asshat but I doubt I would tolerate her living with us even if she was one of the elusive good ones.

Ask yourself this - why is what your husband’s mother wants more important than what his wife and children want?

[Hearhere]

Getting the distinct impression MIL is here illegally
I'm not sure what the penalties(if any?) would be for you, but you have young children to think about, is she not putting you all at risk by being there?

[Motoko]

OP, please answer the questions about her visa status. This might be the answer to your problem, and you won't look like the bad guy.

[sarusingh]

She has a valid tourist visa right now and can stay for a few months. She's visited us before too on valid tourist visas. But at some point we will have to make a decision for a long term future.

[sarusingh]

Thanks to everyone for your responses and support. I did get inspired and talked to my DH today and we are on the same page that this situation is not sustainable. He will approach his sister and talk to her about a long term plan where the siblings will share the responsibility of taking care of their Mom and Mom can spend a few months in India with full time help. I don't expect that we will have a solution tomorrow, but I do like to think that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[sarusingh]

My SIL lives in the US and my MIL has a long term tourist visa for US too. Getting permanent residency for US is easy to get for aging parents.

[PregnantSea]

YANBU at all OP. If I was you I'd be devastated so please stop calling yourself selfish. You've reacted normally.

Your husband's sister needs to chip in. It's not acceptable for her to say no and let you do everything. I'd be tempted to just say to her that it isn't working so she will have to go and move in with your SIL for a while whilst you all figure out what to do.

Your MIL should really be sorting this herself though. Unless she has health problems? In which case maybe assisted living would be a better place for her.

[polarpig]

I'm glad you are on the way to getting some possible solutions identified, this must be very hard for everybody.