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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

253 replies

sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:25

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

OP posts:
gruffaloschildgonewild · 01/04/2019 13:26

OP you are saying your husband is Indian so I assume you are not otherwise you would have understood. I know its hard but you are BU. In south asian cultures sons take over the responsibility to look after their parents in old age. Your husband would have known this and should have made it clear to you when you got married. Atleast you would have been mentally prepared or made a different choice at that time. His parents would have had their understanding about this all their lives. Did at any point before this happened he made it clear to them that they would never be able to come live with him if one of them passes away or due to ill health? If not then it is unfair on your MIL to make other arrangements at this age when her understanding would have been that she is free to live with her son in old age all her life. Her and her husband did not bother you for the 15 years you have been married. Now she needs her family around her. It seems that 70 is considered not that old in west but in SA culture, they are quite old and I am pretty sure a bit frail as well. She wont be able to help around the house or look after the kids at that age. Heck not many 70 years will be able to do that. Kids are hard work even for parents. I assume your husband's parents contributed financially as well when he was young and looked after him. Now it is his responsibility to look after them. I know it's hard for people in west to understand this but this is how it is in our culture. I blame it on your husband for not discussing with you early on in the marriage.

I would recommend getting house help if you can. Also set some boundries regarding parenting your kids and that she should respect your choices and decisions. You do not have to compromise on that. But tbh also assume that there will be times when kids will be spoiled by their GP. And it's good. As parents we always have to be firm with our kids and set boundaries. They need some one who will spoilt them and let them get their way. I would also recommend looking for some activities for her. Try to find people from her community around her with whom she can socialise. It will be good for her mental health and also give you some breathing air too.

LaurieMarlow · 01/04/2019 13:37

If not then it is unfair on your MIL to make other arrangements at this age when her understanding would have been that she is free to live with her son in old age all her life

But why does the MILs expectations trump the OPs expectation to live with alone with her nuclear family?

The OP did not sign up for this implicitly or explicitly. It’s not a cultural norm of marriage in the UK.

Abra1de · 01/04/2019 15:34

The OP is British, living in Britain where this arrangement is not usual. She is not being unreasonable. She works full time and has children. Those are the cultural norms in Britain.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/04/2019 15:45

The responsibility lays with MiL she is the one who needs to rely on others who have no financial responsibility towards her. Her children have not only left India but now live a world apart.
The son and daughter moved to cultures where this is not the norm. And to countries that may not be to thrilled about accepting the burden of a person who will not be able to contribute anything but need huge amounts of resources.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2019 17:07

If the DH is the one with the duty why has he passed the workload on to the OP? Pretty convenient

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 17:30

I know it's hard for people in west to understand this but this is how it is in our culture
why do you expect people in the UK to abide by norms from another culture, norms which are in conflict with their culture?

The husband is in the UK because he wants to benefit from our lifestyle, he cant totally escape the burdens of the Indian lifestyle so he outsources them to his British wife.

He gets all the benefits, she gets all the shit

nice work if you can get it eh!

clairemcnam · 01/04/2019 17:32

Being honest, these are the kind of things you should consider when getting married outwith your own culture.

woodhill · 01/04/2019 17:55

Goodness why can't a 70 year old help around the house even if the dc are too much, my dm and dmil clean their houses, shop, wash etc and they are at the end of the decade. It keeps you young.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2019 18:03

Thing is if you were dating and you said "I don't date Asians because I couldn't deal with the demanding in laws" you'd be crucified as a racist

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 18:21

these are the kind of things you should consider when getting married outwith your own culture
I agree, forming a partnership where cultural norms are not aligned is likely to be problematic

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 18:23

no one needs to say anything about not wanting to date certain cultures, just be mindful of possible culture clashes when choosing who to settle down with

clairemcnam · 01/04/2019 18:44

Date who you want, but if you are going to marry and especially have kids, you do need to think about cultural expectations. And no it is not as simple as talking about ethnicity. People from different countries and ethnicities, but the same religion may have very similar expectations about family and kids.

LaurieMarlow · 01/04/2019 19:29

these are the kind of things you should consider when getting married outwith your own culture

I don’t disagree with this, but these are also the kind of things that Indian mothers should be considering when they encourage their sons to go and live/work in the UK.

Taneartagam · 01/04/2019 20:17

OP I am not Indian but Irish and I did offer to have my husband's (very demanding and helpless) mother live with us. He, quite rightly, said it would break both him and us. She expected it though and held the lack of an invitation against me. It is such a difficult position to be in. If it is unavoidable for you, as I expect it might be, from a cultural point of view, try to think of it in the short term. For example, she will be with us for a year...I can do a year, this time next year we will have space and time to ourselves. It may be that this will be the case and, of course, it may not. The thing is that something will have changed by this time next year and if it hasn't well then you know it's time to start making demands on her daughter or to get practical about dividing up living quarters. Whatever it will take to make everything long term viable.

While I didn't have MIL full time I did have to sacrifice every single big holiday/birthday and anniversary with my own family to spend it with her and her only child and our family. For 20 years! I so resented it at first and made no effort to be graceful about it but gradually I saw the positives - mostly that she was DH's responsibility and not mine but also that she wasn't that difficult in certain settings and once we were prepared for her it as definitely easier. Also I really enjoyed the halo I got to wear Grin.

Eventually she died (after 40 years of threatening to do so) and had told friends and neighbours how awful I was (and to some extent DH too) so her legacy carries on in people not speaking to me in DH's family.

It is such a tricky position OP but equally I think the idea that you can just ignore aging relatives is cold. I'll bet you and your DH have vowed never to land on your children some day (like we have).

ineedaholidaynow · 01/04/2019 20:54

Why, if it is the son’s duty to look after his DM, does it usually end up being the DIL doing the looking after?

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 22:01

Because he interprets it as a duty to recruit a wife who he can then manoeuvre and manipulate into caring for his mother

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 22:02

I don't like the idea that we can abandon ageing relatives either but I think we could do with building some cultural norms which tell people that they have a duty to make proper preparation for their later years

clairemcnam · 02/04/2019 00:04

Hearhere Most people do in Britain and know they have to either live alone with carers if necessary or in a home.

Hearhere · 02/04/2019 01:35

thing is you get to mid 50's, having just about survived childbearing, rearing, menopause etc etc, then your parents start to need your help and this need intensifies over the next 20 years until you can barely function
of course their parents had passed away before they reached this age so there were no such expectations of them

chopc · 02/04/2019 05:36

Our parents have sacrificed a lot to bring us up and it doesn't sit right with me to abandon a parent to live a lonely existence on the death of their spouse. Probably the MIL's insurance was the education of their children who are now living in UK and US and she maybe expected to be looked after in the future. It is tough. I have the same situation. It is difficult for two women to live in the same house. At the moment my mother in law splits her time between two countries which gives me a break. But my mood changes when I know her return us imminent. It's a tough situation OP. Can you afford to build a granny flat? That may be an option?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/04/2019 08:09

Our parents sacrificed nothing. They chose to have children. They chose to take on the legal responsibility to provide for children till the age of 18.
No permit should ever be able to use that against their child.

Teddybear45 · 02/04/2019 08:20

Are you a UK-born Indian? If so you do have a bit more power than you realise. We tend to be more polite than Indian born women when it comes to our parents in law, but in India it is absolutely considered okay to tell them off if they aren’t pulling their weight. My sisters in law will often insist on their similarly aged mil’s doing something in the house; and if they don’t make it known to everyone in the family which then brings about competition. At the bare minimum, at 70, she should be preparing at least one meal for you if you are all living together and you’re working; she should also be able to pick up / drip off the kids at school and take care of them after school. That’s what she would have to do in India if you were working there.

If you aren’t a UK born Indian and are of another culture then just say no. Your husband, his responsibility.

Teddybear45 · 02/04/2019 08:25

@Contraceptionismyfriend - Indian parents often do have to make huge sacrifices. Families, for example, still face choices between treating terminally ill relatives vs sending kids to college. This is even more the case when your child goes overseas to study. My MIL for example sold her house, jewellryc and cashed in her pension to afford my dh’s uni fees / air fare etc to the UK and that’s a normal situation.

chopc · 02/04/2019 08:31

@Contraceptionismyfriend my husband's parents chose to send him to a top tier private school. The fees were more than their joint salary. They sold a lot of their assets. Those are sacrifices for his future. Of course they could have sent him to the local state school but I can tell you for nothing, he wouldn't be who he is today if it wasn't for his education. So I guess parents who do this have certain expectations 🤔. Although I agree they should not as it was their choice. However my DH is grateful for all his opportunities and thankful to his parents

LaurieMarlow · 02/04/2019 08:37

Certainly in UK culture investing heavily in your children does not translate into expecting them to provide for you in old age. Nor should it.

My parents made lots of sacrifices for me. They would expect me to be doing the same for my own children rather than ‘paying them back’.