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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

253 replies

sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:25

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

OP posts:
Prequelle · 29/03/2019 20:09

. So now, living with us is the only option that my MIL is comfortable with

Well tough shit, YOURE NOT comfortable with it. What's your DP saying about all this? Or are you being left with everything?

Honestly OP I have seen the resentment that builds up in family dynamics like this, especially when the PIL ends up in ill health and the DIL ends up a glorified live in carer, doing personal care and cleaning soiled clothing and linen. Don't do this to yourself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/03/2019 20:12

Another one wondering what your husband's view is? Will he work with you to resolve this, or is likely to feel it's "just what happens" and expect you to do it all?

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 20:13

Blimey you poor thing. Obviously it’s sad for MIL losing her husband but it’s a huge undertaking for you to have her live with you permanently, no wonder you’re down.

Could you share the living arrangements with SIL?

Omzlas · 29/03/2019 20:13

Culturally, your SIL wouldn't offer, your DH is the one who would look after his mother. His sister would be responsible for HER ILs if it ever came to that (assuming that they don't live together already)

My DH is Indian and his parents came to stay for 3 months. The longest 3 months of my entire life I tell you.

Does his mum do anything in the house? I obviously don't mean replacing roof tiles etc but cooking? Cleaning? Tidying? Is she expecting you to take up 'the role' of DIL, I.e. doing all the housework etc, like she may well have done with her own MIL? I ask as that's what is generally expected from that generation, my ILs didn't lift a finger, aside from some childcare when they were here and that's what wore me down the most. I had a 4yr old 2yr old and then 2 seemingly incapable adults to take care of.... it grinds you down OP

Is there an option for you to convert the loft into a living area, an extension for a granny flat / annexe?

mondaylisasmile · 29/03/2019 20:13

So what if that is MIL preferred option.. you and DH and impact on the kids is more important (and yes I mean more, her vote on what she wants to happen in your immediate family is not an equal vote to yours!).

Purpleartichoke · 29/03/2019 20:19

This is not something I could learn to live with. There is nothing wrong with saying this situation doesn’t work for you and something needs to change.

Find a home with an in-law unit, find her a place in your neighborhood, move somewhere where’s you can live close enough to help her when needed, but far enough apart that you have your own space.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/03/2019 20:19

Op the ONLY option remaining is that she lives alone. Like millions of other widows do.
If you all infantilise her then she will never learn.
You need to speak up!

wigglypiggly · 29/03/2019 20:21

Your dh needs to put you and DC first, if it's not working then he needs to speak to his mum and find alternative arrangements, she could live a long time and if she doesnt help around the house or take care of the twins then it's going to be very difficult. It's your home.

Original poster
sarusingh · 29/03/2019 20:30

She has no expenses here while living with us. She says she's never lived alone, and she'll be lonely and stressed out living alone in India. She thinks the help you get in India is unreliable and she won't feel safe.

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 29/03/2019 20:33

Oh God. You have my sympathies OP. Surely there must be a better way? I think I'd move to India to get away if my MIL moved in.

Nightmanagerfan · 29/03/2019 20:33

What’s her visa situation? Can she even stay permanently and does she have to pay for things like NHS treatment? As others have said this is going to get worse when she’s older, potentially needing care and you have teenagers to look after. She may have those perceptions about living in India alone but she’s never tried it. What income does she have? You say she has no expenses but that’s not true of you - your family hosting her is costing you money, as well as time, your space and emotional health.

TurquoiseLagoon · 29/03/2019 20:35

What does your DH think? Have you discussed it with him?

museumum · 29/03/2019 20:37

I can see why she’d want the company of being here with you. But right now while she’s 70 and presumably a fully functioning adult you need an arrangement where she is an independent adult and you do not have to “host” her as if she were a guest or a dependent.
If she’s really here to stay you need a different house? Or building work? Has she brought any income or capital with her?
You need a serious discussion with your husband. The families I know in India are middle class and have big homes and maids so even if an older parent moves in it’s not the same as just joining a typical U.K. home and family arrangement.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2019 20:37

I'd be talking to DH's sister, or rather telling him to do it. If she can't have their mother half the time, at the very least she should be offering a few long visits (1 month-6 weeks) during the year. At least that would be a respite for you.

editingfairy · 29/03/2019 20:37

So she was happy to be independent with her h, but now she’s not? Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it. What does your h say?
You must have discussed this before she moved from India to live with you? Has she sold her house? Does she speak English? Will she qualify a visa in the uk??

Coronapop · 29/03/2019 20:38

I think you need to talk to your husband about the situation and possible alternatives. Otherwise you could have 20 years of this. But I don't understand why you agreed to her moving in with you permanently in the first place. Why couldn't she live on her own as most elderly widows do?

Xyzzzzz · 29/03/2019 20:40

Understandable in your predicament you can’t ask her to leave. Can you extend as mentioned above? Give her a granny annex. Why can’t she help with childcare is she unable to manage?
Can you introduce to the wider community so she can mix with other people? E.g in the temple is there a group of older people she can mix with of her age? She might just be lonely.

Chocolateisfab · 29/03/2019 20:40

When I first met my now dh one of our first conversations was that zero relatives would ever live with us.
No
Bloody
Way

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/03/2019 20:41

Hi OP

How does your husband feel about it? I know she's his mum but he must also be feeling the pain from the practicalities of it.

Can you approch it from the point of view of youre all adults and as she is able she does need to contribute to the house in some way. Childcare, cooking, whatever it is. I think you need to do something otherwise you will just get more and more overwhelmed.

You will need your husbands support though. I know I don't get the cultural aspect of this, but I think that if she is moving country she should expect to change her ways a little bit.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/03/2019 20:41

She has no expenses here while living with us. She says she's never lived alone, and she'll be lonely and stressed out living alone in India. She thinks the help you get in India is unreliable and she won't feel safe.

None of this is your problem.

MadameAnchou · 29/03/2019 20:44

Any man who now lives in the UK and tried to dictate to me and how our family how we were going to live and who with would be on the kerb now. How did she get a visa to stay here? Sorry, but there'd be no learning to live it for me with some sexist man who does nothing and expects me to deal with it and having my kids see their mother treated like that and their lives compromised by overbearing grandma and Dad completely absolving himself of responsibility.

It's 2019 now in the UK, you are no longer beholden to ruin your life playing the dutiful DIL.

Prequelle · 29/03/2019 20:45

It's all she she she she. What she wants. What she needs.

What about you? What about your kids?

greathat · 29/03/2019 20:46

Forgive my ignorance, but is she allowed to just come and live here if she's Indian? I thought there'd been a bit of a crackdown with people who've lived here all their lives being deported

pasturesgreen · 29/03/2019 20:47

God, you have my sympathies OP. Seventy is still relatively young, she could live another 20 or 25 years and it wouldn't be sustainable for you as a family. Your DH needs to have a serious conversation with his sister. I appreciate it might be difficult to wriggle out of this arrangement as there's a cultural side to it, but for example my friend and her DH, who are in a similar position, have his mum living with them for six months at a time, alternating with his sister. It might be something worth exploring?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2019 20:48

Op, all I can advise is having a very serious talk with your husband immediately. This unease and misery you feel will only get worse. I truly believe your own marriage will be put in jeopardy over this. There are MANY other options possible aside from her living in your home. Tell your husband he needs to find one and very quickly.