AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

[sarusingh]

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

[sarusingh]

He never wanted this for me he says, but then when his Mom told him that this is the arrangement she prefers, then he couldn't do much. He briefly asked me over the phone on the day his dad's health went south (it all happened rather quickly) about bringing him Mom with him and I couldn't say No...given the situation. I really felt bad for my DH and wanted to support him at that moment and we briefly talked about setting expectations and boundaries later, to make sure that we continue to live our lives our way and raise our kids the way we have so far. But now, 2 months in, I don't know how to bring it all up without sounding harsh or mean. I think he knows that I'm down and stressed, but probably doesn't have a good answer/solution to help me feel better. She is his Mom after all, and he's trying to be a decent son.

[Chocolateisfab]

Ultimately though he made vows to you. Your happiness needs to be his priority imo.

[Prequelle]

He never wanted this for me he says

Well that's very telling. For you. Instead of say for us. Seems like he knows damn well it's always the woman who has the shitty end of the stick in these situations

[cuppycakey]

YANBU

No way could I live in these conditions.

I think you need to have a proper talk with DH and explain it's her or you...

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Oh Jesus I couldn't do that. Could she have a separate area in your house? Could you afford possibly to move to somewhere with some kind of annex?

[Billben]

and he's trying to be a decent son.

He also needs to remember to be a decent husband.

[MadameAnchou]

He is putting her above his own wife and family and you say you only think he knows you're depressed and stressed? You have a DH problem and a backbone problem.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I'd move out with your kids

[wizzywig]

op i think you are stuck with this.its how the culture works. what i have seen happen is that the marriage can break down but the mum will stay put.

[Treaclesweet]

She could easily live another 15, 20 years! Is that what you want? You need to put your foot down with your husband. Can she not love nearby, or move to a place with a granny flat? Were you ever warned that this was her retirement plan?

[Chewbecca]

Is there any possibility of building an annex or something in the garden, or moving to somewhere with a granny annex? Might be easier with some physical space between you,.

[MadameAnchou]

Bet you if you left with the kids for a few months he'd find the backbone to tell his mother the arrangement cannot be permanent. He never will now because he's being enabled to continue it.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I love my MIL and couldn't live with her for more than a few weeks, I really feel for you as its clear there isn't going to be an easy solution.

Sorry if you've answered this but is she entitled to live here? If so you need to raise with your husband that this housing arrangement needs to change in the near future.

[BloodsportForAll]

Something needs to be said out loud.

[fikel]

Did she bring any money over, she could fund some kind of granny annexe. It’s not acceptable whatever the culture is to live in your home and not contribute in any shape or form. I would hate it

[BunsOfAnarchy]

This is a difficult one.
I can understand both sides (British Indian, Sikh here). I think the expectation is to look after your parents once one has passed.
It would have been quite different had they lived together in the UK when your Fil passed, as she could have continually lived seperately with everyone popping by to keep her company now and again.
I don't get why your SiL hasnt offered to help. It sounds as though she may be incredibky backwards in putting this responsibility on your family as your DH is her son.

Is there a local temple she can go to during the day? Most of the older generation in my area keeo the local Gurudwara running, they go in early to help cook and clean for the day and then have a tea break and all get together for a good matter. It's brilliant especially for the widowed ladies or those whose kids have moved far afield and they find themselves feeling lonely or without purpose. I spot them in town sometimes going shopping together too. It gives them routine and a circle of friends and a purpose too.

The current situation sounds like a recipe for disaster at the moment and if the case is that there's no option but to have her live with you, then you need to look at how to have her out the house with her own life and routine during the day. The temple idea is the best i can think of

[tomatosalt]

I cringe whenever I hear people glorifying the joint family set up. It just means some poor woman is so oppressed she has no choice but to look after her husband’s parent/s for him.
This is so

[Babygrey7]

My dad did this to my mum

My grandmother lived with us for years, it was awful and turned my mum into a deeply unhappy angry woman...

What would happen when his mum needs care, would you have tho become her carer? How does your husband see the future?

[endofthelinefinally]

When this was the norm in India, people lived in huge family houses, women didn't work outside the home and there was lots of cheap labour including domestic help.
Things have changed rapidly over the last 50 years.
It isn't manageable or fair.
You need to sit your DH down and talk to him honestly.
Does he want your marriage to break down?
He will be looking after his mother on his own.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

Just no. I'm big on family, but your DH is throwing you under the bus here. And I absolutely don't agree that his sister should "step up" in any way - it is 2019 and modern Indian families are saying no to these obligations.

If she wants to move near you and see you all frequently, that would be great. But basically expecting you to look after her for the next 20 years, in your home? Nope.

[longearedbat]

A few other people have asked, and I will to - what sort of visa has she got? How is she going to pay for health care etc? Apart from that, the situation sounds like hell. You need to have a serious talk with your husband. I think if it was me I would be running for the hills.

[mondaylisasmile]

you can’t ask her to leave

Wait - what?!

How is any if this the OP's problem , to just suck it up??

There are kids here, and two working parents. The stress must be immense. The kids will grow up resenting grannys wants being placed above mum's needs/their childhood.

[Boysey45]

Is it legal to just come and live here when your Indian?
Its not fair on you OP, I'd tell her she'd be better off in sheltered accommodation, but is she entitled to benefits?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Okay, so as I half expected you're getting no more than lip service from your DH; he could have said any number of things but chose not to, and as a PP said his comment about not wanting this for you is telling

So the question is what do you want to happen now? Now she's settled on your sofa it's unlikely your MIL will take the initiative, so any suggestions will have to come from both of you ... and on the subject of raising it with DH, maybe consider something like "this isn't working as well as we'd hoped is it, love? How do you feel we should handle it now?"

[SnuggyBuggy]

What tomatosalt said. I've always rolled my eyes when people romanticise families selflessly caring for their elders and it really fucks me off when men take the credit for providing a home for their mothers when it's the wife who does the shitwork