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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

253 replies

sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:25

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/03/2019 09:40

Well OP has not detailed her financial situation.
So her options are. Stay in the UK (she's not the Governments problem) so she has to pay full rent, health insurance all bills etc.
Or return to India and live independently.
It doesn't matter what culture or country she is. She is an adult. She is not the OPs financial responsibility and I wouldn't allow my husband to spend the type of money talked about on her outside of Our family or home.

mondaylisasmile · 30/03/2019 10:13

I do not think most families could just buy a flat or build an annexe to use £s to resolve this situation.

Most UK families I know are living in cramped conditions already, unable to afford a bigger home - gardens are a pipe dream in my social circle, even if you found one big enough for extending into, how could you find the cash on top of the mortgage even if local planning permission was granted?!

And that's the £ side... The fact is that the OP needs to fund her household. Why would she work full-time and her/DH miss out on possibly going part time b(if she wanted that choice) to fund the MIL retirement?!?!? That's bonkers.

If I had thousands to spare I'd want to take less hours at work or a less stressful commuting job, or DH do the same..... NOT fund one grandparents living expenses in my own house and missing out on more family time!

Apart from anything, how would that work if all 3 surviving grandparents had this plan? Life would literally be dominated by working to pay for the living costs and problems of the grandparents generation...

Life isn't cheap, women need to work, most people have no space,and modern working families just don't have the option to entertain these crazy boomer retirement plans any more.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/03/2019 10:18

@proudestofmums since you obviously know about these things, can I ask what the situation is about Dependent Relative Visas now?

The info online seems to imply that all that's needed is for the relative to be 65+, a parent or grandparent and capable of being fully supported by their family member who's settled in the UK without recourse to public funds

On the face of it that suggests anyone can bring over an elderly relation more or less at will ... or has it changed now?

LaurieMarlow · 30/03/2019 10:21

There’s an obvious culture clash between what’s expected in Indian society and what’s normal in the UK.

OP I presume you aren’t of Indian background yourself? You need to be clear with your OP about your expectations of the role of ‘wife’ when you married him. I.e you were not signing up to care for his mother in old age. And then work together to find the best solution for her (which does not involve living in your house).

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 10:35

OP I am glad you seem to have a way forward now. I assume you are not of Indian origin as if you were this is one of the things you should have known about and talked about before you married.

There are a lot of pretty shocking comments on this thread. The MIL is not cheeky to assume that her adult kids will help her when she becomes widowed. That is how things work.
For many married women of her age with kids, getting paid work was extremely difficult in most of India and carried a lot of stigma when she was young. So no, she probably had little financial control overt her income or lifestyle. People are looking at this through 2019 western eyes. In many parts of India lone widowed women have very low social status and can not get paid work. Various charities run schemes where widowed women can work and survive.

So simply returning to India and living off any money she earns/has, probably is not possible. It could literally mean you are sending her back to live in a shack and struggling to eat. Even if things are not that dire, the chances are that as a widowed women living alone she will have very low status and be socially shunned.

So of course her son wants to make sure his mum is okay. Its not about being frail or needing care, its about being in a reasonable living situation.

But the OP also wants to live a decent live and does not want to have to share a house with a virtual stranger who expects her to do everything.

She probably will not get a permanent visa for the UK anyway. But a granny flat either with you or SIL is best bet. You may all have to pitch in financially to enable that to happen. I agree that travelling back and forth between the US and UK is not sustainable except in the short term. Lots of health conditions mean you can not fly long haul, so this may only be possible for a while.

Also agree that wherever she lives getting her involved in the local temple, gurdwara, mosque, etc is the way forward. She will meet others and be able to build a life for herself.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 10:39

It doesn't matter what culture or country she is

Of course it's relevant to what she would have planned Confused

Alsi the OP is in the US isnt she? This means she's very likely to have granny annexe space.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 10:40

People are looking at this through 2019 western eyes

Yep.

PotolBabu · 30/03/2019 10:42

Ah she is on a tourist visa. Then I can give you some ‘good news’. She cannot join you. It is IMPOSSIBLE under the current visa regime to get a permanent residence visa for elderly parents. So she will have to go back. And if she tries the trick of staying 6 months every year (which is v technically what the long term tourist visa allows) then she will he turned away at the border at some point.

I am originally Indian, now British. My batshit MILs planned this. DH and I both said no on principle but also read up the rules.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/03/2019 10:45

It really doesn't matter. Because there is no scenario where OP is responsible for her.

I believe SIL is in the US and OP is in the UK.
And even if they did have space. They still don't need to house her. That's a massive emotional burden that I wouldn't allow.

Sexnotgender · 30/03/2019 10:49

I feel very sorry for both you and your MIL. It’s not a tenable situation for her to live with you though, I’ll agree with others regarding the visa situation.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 10:50

Maybe it's just the sil, but I assumed as she was saying "mom" and expecting them to share care they lived near each other.

The op doesnt need ti have her in her home. I don't think anyone is saying she does, but they are trying to think of ways to help a woman whi has been recently bereaved, is afraid the care she will receive at home will be poor (its6poor in the US and the UK so I doubt its far better there).

Saying it's up to the MIL to sort out when she may have reasonably been expecting to move in with her son his whole life due to cultural norms though would be a shocking way to treat family. We have no idea if she had access to money, if she worked, what her situation was.

LaurieMarlow · 30/03/2019 10:59

she may have reasonably been expecting to move in with her son his whole life due to cultural norms

However if her son moved away from his homeland and married outside of his culture, shouldn’t this have given her some pause for thought?

One cannot expect the rest of the world to fall blithely in line with one’s cultural norms,

Not that I don’t feel for her, but the OP was (presumably) not brought up to expect this. Her cultural norms led her to expect something very different.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/03/2019 11:00

If FIL had money, what happens to that? Does it not go to the MIL in Indian culture?

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:04

If there is no will, it would be divided between MIL and any children.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:04

And the mother of the FIL as well.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 11:06

However if her son moved away from his homeland and married outside of his culture, shouldn’t this have given her some pause for thought

Yes but we have no idea what the Mils situation was. Did she work? Did she have financial control over self?

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:07

So MIL could end up with a fairly small share of any estate.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:08

It may have given MIL some pause for thought, but it does not mean she could do anything about it except worry. You are assuming a level of control over her own life that she is unlikely to have had.

LaurieMarlow · 30/03/2019 11:08

Yes but we have no idea what the Mils situation was. Did she work? Did she have financial control over self?

I know, I’m not disputing any of that. And I’m also not saying financial assistance shouldn’t be offered.

I’m just making the point that once you start interacting with other cultures, you need to be aware that your own cultural norms may not be sacrosanct.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 11:10

No, of course not. But basic humanity means you keep those concepts in your mind when you deal with someone. Some posters have been really unkind and basically seem to think fuck her for not planning better.

FriarTuck · 30/03/2019 11:12

And if she tries the trick of staying 6 months every year (which is v technically what the long term tourist visa allows) then she will he turned away at the border at some point.
Particularly if OP gives the border people a ring, explains her situation, is lucky enough to find it's a Mumsnetter on the other end, and provides them with full details including a photo Grin

LaurieMarlow · 30/03/2019 11:12

but it does not mean she could do anything about it except worry. You are assuming a level of control over her own life that she is unlikely to have had

Was it discussed though? With her son and daughter? With her husband?

I’ve no idea what happened here obviously. But I would have hoped it was raised as a topic. There is, however, a reasonable chance it was simply assumed that the son and DIL would go along with it.

SkaterGrrrrl · 30/03/2019 11:13

Just read your update OP, I'm glad you've managed to have a chat with your husband and tell him how you're feeling (maybe show him this thread as well). I have a lot of British Indian friends and I do understand that your mother-in-law expects her son to care for her, so it's not easy. But the tradition has to break somewhere - you wouldn't want to own kids doing this for you - so it's time to draw a line.

It's not fair for you to take on an elderly in-law and all the work, expense and stress this involves.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:20

I could not leave my own mother in a shit living situation. This is about trying to find a solution that does not throw anyone under the bus.
And those saying fuck the MIL - I don't believe you would leave your own mother in an impossibly shit situation if you could make her life better.

Also many people who marry someone whose parents are in a much poorer country end up sending money to the in laws. When you marry someone whose family are in a poor country, you do need to talk about what this means, and not make assumptions based on living conditions for your own parents in Britain. A friend for example sends some of her earnings over to her in laws who live in 1 room, and who would starve without that money, as there is no social security system in that country.

It is unreasonable to expect a spouse to not give a shit about their own parents.

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 11:33

Your mother-in-law and your husband want to have the best of both worlds, they want the traditional Indian culture where the wife has to serve her husband and therefore her mother-in-law, of course things work like this in India because there is no welfare state and this is the only way to survive in old age.

But they want this to happen in a wealthy first world country where the cultural norms are completely different and are incompatible with traditional extended family setups