Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

I’ve been told that I’m “lazy” and “selfish” for not wanting kids. And I’ve also been told “but it would be the making of you”. Drives me potty!

With regards to my sister I definitely think she’s secretly jealous of my lifestyle so she tries to make me feel bad to make herself feel better.

I know quite a lot of women who don't want children,, and for some of them, I am glad that they don't.as they would not make good Mothers at all

Judgy much ? Thanks for your contribution.

I've never judged women (or men) who don't want to have children. I was exactly the same with my first H (I won't say 'Dear' as he wasn't - nasty piece of work). I changed my mind when I met DH. But that's my decision - no one else's business. Just as having or not having children is your business.

But I never understand this 'if your partner dies before you and you don't have kids you'll be lonely'. Who says you'll get on with your children? Who says they'll live in this country when you're old? And if they do who says they'll live close by enough to be able to keep you from being lonely? If you're relying on your kids to keep you happy in your old age you may well be denying them the future they have in mind (emigrating, living further away, working in a field that means travelling or unsociable hours etc).

I hope my DS enjoys being with his aged parents when he's older. I hope we'll see him often but if he chooses to live a different life that's his choice - not mine. So all that 'your kids will look after you in your old age' is bollocks as far as I'm concerned.

Enjoy the life you want to live OP - many people don't get a choice in their lives so if you have that, grab it with both hands.

Those who judge you openly are probably jealous of your freedom. Why on earth should it matter to anyone else whether you have kids or not. I'd have no problem telling them I simply don't want kids. I'd say if people really had a grasp of how draining it is to be a parent before having kids - emotionally, physically and financially - there would be a lot more choosing not to have them.

YANBU.
Some people want kids, some don't.
I was on the fence (eventually had one child). I have one sister who always wanted children, and another sister who didn't and was sterilised voluntarily at 36 (different country).

I find it bizarre when my sister badgers me all the time to consider having kids when she appears to resent motherhood massively.

There's your answer, OP, or at least some of it -- she doesn't see why you shouldn't have to traipse through the gruntwork of parenthood, and 'get off scot-free' from nappies and homework and school holiday prices. The idea that you have freely chosen the 'easier option' (as she clearly sees it) and are at ease with it is very unnerving to some conformist people, who need to be surrounded by people who've made the same decisions.

To people who never thought about whether or not to have children and just drifted into it because 'everyone does, don't they?', watching someone make a different decision flags up the possibility that they could also have chosen not to have children, and it freaks them out. You are forcing them to see their own decisions as what they are, choices, not some kind of inevitable life stage like death.

I was happily child-free until 40, and despite having decided to have a child, I am entirely clear on the fact that my life would just have been differently good, and equally valid, had I not had DS.

I am surrounded by child-free women, including both my sisters, and do not feel a flicker of judgement or 'concern'.

Having a child because someone else tells you you might regret it later on when it's too late is a mad reason to have a child. And I agree with whoever said up the thread that giving birth to your own geriatic care is equally odd as a rationale.

Nope! I couldn't care less what other women choose to do with their lives.

I have 1DS bit a few of my friends are mid/late thirties and a are childfree. As long as we are all happy then it's fine.

Not at all, it's not for everyone. I'd be sad if you were my daughter or DIL but I'd tell my husband not you.

Has this been kicked off by the headlines today re. Research showing that older childless people find life a lot harder? Because children (especially daughters and DILs) tend to take on a lot of unpaid care and can advocate on behalf of their parents? Elder care is a big problem / challenge whether one has children or not, and as pps have said, at the individual level there is no guarantee that children will do this.

My sister doesn’t have children, by choice. I have two and she’s a great auntie. We are very careful not to judge each other’s choices, but it does create a barrier between us. Our priorities are very different, and I don’t think I’ve ever said to her how much I enjoy being a mum. If anything, I go the other way and make out it’s worse than it is, because I don’t want her to feel bad. But I know she gets grief from other people, she actively avoids family gatherings as at some point some random aunt / cousin / uncle will say something like «no kids yet? Leaving it s bit late aren’t you?!». It’s so rude to question other people’s choices when they don’t affect anyone except that person.

I think it's a bit of projection. So when you say you don't want kids to someone who has them it makes them feel that you are slagging off their choice.

This^.

Also, the, 'walking incubator for the grandchildren' remark is fairly typical of the patriarchy.

I don’t judge. We struggled for a long time to have children. In the end successfully and I love them enormously but lots of heartache on the way. It would have been easier if we’d never wanted any!

I have close friends who are childfree by choice. Their lives, their choice!

It’s very patronising of your friends and family to think they know better than you what choices will be best for you.

I judge them if they loudly bang on about it in front of me, who clearly has two young children... I'd find that very rude.
But no of course I would not judge a friend who mentioned to me in a relevant conversation, that she intended to never have children. I do have several friends who have no intention of having kids and I support their choices entirely. It's not for everyone and there are pros and cons to either choice. Neither is better imo. And both are perfectly valid choices which can bring you joy and meaning in different ways. It's pretty regressive to think all women need to be mothers. Women have loads to give the world that doesnt involve raising children.

I couldn’t care less, I’ve many friends who can’t have kids who want them, a few that just don’t want them.

If I were young now, I wouldn't have kids. By the time today's babies grow up, the world will be a far worse place than it is now (climate change and all the rest of it). Having kids these days is selfish, in my view.

If that's what you want, do that. I wouldn't judge. I think those that judge and say those things are on the defensive, thinking you've somehow decided their example of life is not an appealing one. People are self centered, they're trying to convince others that their choices were the right ones.

This is coming from a mum of 1dc and another on the way.

I don't judge but I think that as women we get judged in general for whatever reproductive choices we make. Also I can sort of, almost, understand why such a personal subject becomes a topic of conversation in that for women, generally more so than for men, the decision to have children has an effect on lots of other, more socially visible, areas of life. But having said that I deplore any intrusive quizzing about reproductive choices.

Sorry i see others have made the point more succinctly than i did!

We love to think that we don't judge, but we all do it. This thread is going to be slightly self-fulfilling because most people are going to post on it that they wouldn't judge you, because that sounds horrible.

I'd like to think I wouldn't judge you, but probably in my head I'd be wondering if you'd really though the ramifications of your choice through and I'd wonder if you'd regret your decision in 15 years time. I'd like to think my manners are good enough that unless I was a really close friend and you opened that discussion with me, I wouldn't be openly asking you those questions - but I'd definitely think them.

I'm not sure the judgement is the issue here, I think it is the rudeness of the people insisting on sharing their opinions about your choices with you. You get the same shit about any lifestyle choice that isn't the same as other people's - veganism, humanism, Trump supporter, Brexiter, gender fluid and so on.

I don't judge at all. However I can see how some people would, to be quite dispassionate about it - especially people who have had kids later, towards their 40s. I did, and I felt I've had the best of both worlds - spent my 20s-30s racketing around with no real responsibilities and had a great time, now am doing the kids thing. So I can see how a (not very tactful!) person who has done the same would think, yes you are missing out because you've done one 'half' instead of both 'halves'. Technically that is kind of true. However if you don't want children then you don't! - and yes you see some people who buy into the 'best thing ever!' stuff about parenthood and then seem to really not enjoy it at all. I do enjoy it and I don't find that it limits me - the things it 'limits' are things I'm done and dusted with for now to be honest. Oh, horses for courses, everyone is different.

People have kids because it is they who want them - the child has no choice. Numerous friends badgered me for years - probably because they were miserably involved in child vomit, toddler tantrums and the school run and I was going on holiday all the time! Luckily all those comments stop eventually (I am now late 40s).

have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.

Women judge women whatever. I had an elderly aunt who never had children and became very bitter about it. However, she would have had them had her husband not stopped them. YOU are happy and that is what matters. You can and will live a perfectly happy life without children and there are steps you can take as you get older to ensure you don't get lonely. My Nan is constantly at clubs because she knows she will be lonely otherwise. I hate that people think you should have a child you may potentially resent "just in case". Idiots.

I get judged for only having one child. I have been rudely told that my daughter will be lonely, selfish and stuck caring for me in my elderly years because she is an only child. I always respond with "well seeing as my sister is an absolute burden on me NOW and seeing as I know many people who are non contact with their siblings I think that argument is floored". My husband and I will steps to try to ensure we can manage alone. My mum is one of 5 and she was the only one who lived near enough to care for her elderly father!

So, when you are being judged for being childless, rest assured I am being judged for having just one

No. It's none of my business what other's chose. IMO far too many have kids who shouldn't, just look at all the arsehole excuses for biological fathers on this site. It's utterly twat behaviour to comment on someone's choice of to not procreate. Overpopulation is the biggest threat to the world's climate, but you never see any of the climate change activists saying 'STOP HAVING CHILDREN!'

Great posts ToEarly

I think it's true that there's a huge amount of jealousy behind the nasty comments, really well described in Keener's post. So many people seem to fall into parenthood without any real thought, and then find out far too late that it's a lot harder than they realised

Also to add, not having children can be way more complicated than just 'didn't want' or 'couldn't have'. I have had periods of absolutely yearning to have a baby and a family of my own. I always knew though that the reality of parenthood was not for me and would have driven me crazy. I worked with parents and children for years so I had absolutely no rose tinted specs about what it would be like! But I still grieved the loss of a family very deeply for years. I'm nearly 40 now and coming out the other side, and it was definitely the right decision on balance, and yet part of me will probably always be sensitive about the subject. So people who are nasty about not having children have no idea what kind of deep grief and sadness they might be intruding on

I honestly don't judge. I note the difference in life experience and accept that there will be certain aspects of what I do in terms of practicality/necessity that someone without kids doesn't 'get' and hopefully tailor conversation (so as not to bore) etc accordingly.

Wouldn’t judge at all. But I would secretly feel a bit sad for them.

I get this more than judgment. And however secret the speaker thinks their sadness is, it really usually isn't very. I know people feel sad for me because they care, but I hate it. It's patronising! I'm not a charity case - just a woman who, niw in her mid-thirties - hasn't got any kids. And while I'd technically like kids, having them is not important enough for me to make the compromises required. Such as settling, relationship wise. Giving up on a career I love and am considered great at but that's just not very compatible with being a mother - certainly not a single one. A whole lot of things, really.

My boss (male, married and enabled) used to pull the "oh, but you'd be such a brilliant mum" stunt on me all the time. I eventually shut him up by responding "I have you and you're basically an overgrown toddler, so I'm good".