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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Asta19 · 29/03/2019 11:07

I admire people who know what they want and act accordingly

^^ This
Surely the main goal in anyone's life is to be happy? For some that means kids, for some not. It shouldn't be something that judgement is passed on.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 29/03/2019 11:07

*your

mrsk28 · 29/03/2019 11:07

Nobody should judge you, it's not for everyone and I totally understand wanting to live your own life.

Funnily enough I've found since being pregnant (due in 4 weeks) that other women who have children keep telling me that my life is going to be over and to enjoy it now!

You can't please people either way.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 29/03/2019 11:07

I respect women who make an informed choice not to have children if they don't feel it's for them and I judge people who either judge them or criticise them or put pressure on them.

I'd far rather that than people who take having children lightly or as a given.

Amongst my friends and my DCs are people who can't or don't want to have children and it's not my place to interfere or comment on that. I also don't think they're any more likely to be sad, unfulfilled or lonely at any stage of their lives.

Sakura7 · 29/03/2019 11:08

Playing devils advocate, what you describe from your friends / acquaintances sounds more like concern (rather than making a moral judgement or something), and I secretly do feel that sometimes. I think life can be hard for an older person with no children.

I don't agree with this at all. OP doesn't need these people pressuring her to make huge, life changing choices that don't feel right to her.

There are plenty of childfree elderly people who live fulfilled lives, and equally plenty of people who wanted their children around them only to find they move away, don't visit often, etc. It's not fair to expect people who don't even exist yet to meet your emotional needs for life, just because you can't bear being alone.

honeylulu · 29/03/2019 11:08

God no, I think it must be immensely liberating to not want kids. I did, and I love them to bits so I'd have been unhappy not having them. But if I hadn't wanted them, and hadn't had any, how fun and free life would be!

I'm baffled when people say it's "selfish" not to want children. Surely having children is to satisfy your own wants!

ncqtime · 29/03/2019 11:09

Simply no I do not judge this except to find it a perfectly valid choice

Shookethtothecore · 29/03/2019 11:10

No I respect them, and honestly I’m envious of their life. I have 2 and another on the way and they are my world but it’s hard and long and my life isn’t what I thought it would be, but I’m here now and I enjoy it but it’s a different type of enjoyment and if I’m absolutely honest if I had my time again I would of lived a bit more and done more for me before having them if I decided to at a later age

QueenKubauOfKish · 29/03/2019 11:10

OMG no, I think it's a totally fine choice. I very much wanted kids and was lucky enough to have them, and of course wanting them and not having them is sad. But if I hadn't wanted them, I would have had a very different life, just as worthwhile, and with a LOT of upsides.

I have a relative who has always been a role model in this way and has lived the most full and fabulous child-free, man-free life, still now going strong at nearly 80 and she's never been "lonely", she's always been happy. That always made me see it as a valid option.

I'm sorry you've had such negative responses OP.

juneau · 29/03/2019 11:10

I agree with how liberating it must be not to want kids! I did want them, but to know that you don't and to be realistic about what that means (good and bad), must be very freeing. There are no guarantees that your kids would be there for you in old age anyway and I certainly didn't have mine to keep me company in my dotage. Anyone who expects to be cared for by the next generation is taking a big gamble and being rather selfish IMO.

dellacucina · 29/03/2019 11:11

@stevie69 realistically, my view is quite hormone-influenced! Life is definitely more difficult with a child!

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 29/03/2019 11:12

It depends on the person.

I have two friends with no children. 48 & 50 years old. The 50 year old is so happy and glad she made the decision. The 48 year old is kicking herself and really regrets it. I have another friend who was ‘never’ having any! Accidentally fell pregnant at 37, and thought her life was over. She’s now 43 with 4 children and can’t belive she ever imagined not having them.

Your decision, is your decision only, and no one else bees wax!

buzzbobbly · 29/03/2019 11:12

Oh but they will. Time after time. Again and again. On every, 'I choose not to have children' thread. Each and every one. Every one.

And now telling us they were the same, "until they met the right man" too Hmm

Pinkmonkeybird · 29/03/2019 11:12

Not at all! My best friend doesn't have kids, my brother and his wife don't have kids either. It is their choice!

Skypatrol · 29/03/2019 11:12

No I don't. I will admit I might be a tiny bit curious if someone hasn't got children, only because most people do end up having children.

Judge? Definitely not. It's perfectly ok to just not want children.

BlueSkiesLies · 29/03/2019 11:13

Don't forget the "Your life will never be complete without a child. Trust me."

Also:
"You just realise how much more meaning your life has once you have a child"

kingfisherblue33 · 29/03/2019 11:13

Of course not!! How very odd that people have.

Perhaps they felt threatened that you weren't doing what's 'expected' of you as a woman? Who knows.

Having kids doesn't necesarily mean that they'll look after you in old age, though!!! If you don't have dc, you can save up for a decent care home at least. Think of all the money you're saving...

dellacucina · 29/03/2019 11:13

@Sakura7 please see my follow-up. I think there is a slight distinction between judging someone and being overbearingly concerned for them. Neither is fair to the person on the receiving end of it.

SweetAsSpice · 29/03/2019 11:13

No. They are wise women indeed.

igotdemons · 29/03/2019 11:14

No as I feel the same as you OP.

I’ve been judged regarding my decision too - especially by my own DMum! She only ever wanted a family out of life so she can’t understand why I don’t and has made regular comments about how I’ll change my mind etc. My DAunt never had any children (we don’t know if she couldn’t or didn’t want them) and she judges me too?! Confused

If you know it’s the right decision for you then you just have to ignore anyone else’s opinion (as hard as that may be at times!).

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 11:14

I find it bizarre when my sister badgers me all the time to consider having kids when she appears to resent motherhood massively. I can tell my friends who all have kids think I’m some sort of poor soul who needs pitied even though I feel fulfilled and content with the way my life is. I need to stop letting it bother me and just tell them to get over it next time they bring it up (which is every time I see them).

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 29/03/2019 11:14

What I have found is, women who didnt want children, and lived a very nice , indulgent life syle with magnolia homes and lots of expensive holidays - suddenly realise they won't have grand children. They suddenly become distanced from peers in retirement - they have absolutely nothing in common any more.

As all species are programmed to procreate it does make it all a bit 'what was the point of that' at the end of life.

clairemcnam · 29/03/2019 11:14

I have never understood the - once I had kids my life was complete - tribes.

In terms of happiness - all the studies show that on average childless people are happier, until their mid 80s, when people with children are happier.

Auldspinster · 29/03/2019 11:14

I'm 44 in a couple of months and have never wanted kids, absolutely no regrets.

I had a fibroid and my endometrium removed at the end of last year which means I have a hens teeth chance of pregnancy now and was asked if I'd 'come to terms' with the op, it took me a minute or two to realise what they meant.

If I had a pound for every 'you'll change your mind' or pitying headtilt I'd be a rich woman but It's their problem not mine.

SallyWD · 29/03/2019 11:15

No. I don't. There are far too many people in the world. If some women don't want kids then it's great as far as I'm concerned.