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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Spaceunicorn6789 · 29/03/2019 11:15

I'm one of those don't want children types. It's not for me.

But what REALLY fucks me of is - everyone knows I don't want them, it's not a secret and I can be vocal about it when the time is appropriate but yet STILL people say oh so when are you two having a baby! I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK I DIDNT WANT THEN EVER AND I HAVEN'T CHANGED MY MIND IN A WEEK YOU TIT.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 29/03/2019 11:15

Surely having children is to satisfy your own wants!

This^

Having children is the ultimate vanity project IMO.

Tunnockswafer · 29/03/2019 11:15

I wouldn’t judge you in the slightest but I would be remembering my own determination to not have dc that I felt at the same age (and now have two). So I suppose it might occur to me you’d change your mind, but I wouldn’t say so as why would you listen to me?

PregnantSea · 29/03/2019 11:16

I've felt judged for choosing to have kids. Seriously.

I think the way it works is that if you have a vagina everyone else judges all of your decisions under a microscope.

drowningincustard · 29/03/2019 11:17

I think you have some judgemental friends...
To be fair I probably sounded like you in my early 30's - thought I was in the perfect relationship and kids were just not part of that agenda.
Internally I would probably remember that time in my life being very similar.
(If we went on to become friends you might then meet my kids at some point and realise that mid-late 30's everything turned upside down and that I am a very different person to who I was in my early 30's, but I have also learnt to keep my mouth shut on my opinions if they have not been asked for!!!!)

HouseOfToys · 29/03/2019 11:17

I do. But in a good way, for being brave to make that choice when the pressure to have kids is huge.

Something that I couldn't do myself.

buzzbobbly · 29/03/2019 11:17

I swear I can hear somebody sharpening their keyboard to ask why happily child-free women are posting on MUMSNET....

Skypatrol · 29/03/2019 11:20

I'm surprised that people are so invested in other people's lives.

I know a few people who never had children and I barely give it a thought beyond wondering if they didn't want them or couldn't.

RosaWaiting · 29/03/2019 11:20

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

that is some of the maddest shite I hear. Gird yourself OP!

apart from anything else, where is the logic? if I didn't want children at a young age, why in the name of blue fuck would I want them forming a huge chunk of later life?!

sweetkitty · 29/03/2019 11:20

Not at all it’s a personal decision nor would I ever ask a childless woman why she doesn’t have kids.

I was adamant at age 25 I went having children, by age 35 I had 4.

TurquoiseDress · 29/03/2019 11:20

Not at all OP- I have a couple of close friends who are approaching 40 and have no plans whatsoever to have babies- and they are very happy with this decision!

one is actually going to get sterilised in a few months time

another friend has just turned 40 and is considering sperm donation and going alone with IVF

Both sets of friends have made perfectly valid decisions which they are happy with. It does not affect my life whatsoever whether they have children or not, so I don't see why I would be overly invested in whether they do or not

I think by late 30s/hitting 40 you pretty much know what you want in terms having a baby or not

IMO, anyone who judges another woman for decisions they make re not having a baby, they definitely need to get out more and realise that some people are totally happy not having children!

clairemcnam · 29/03/2019 11:20

They suddenly become distanced from peers in retirement - they have absolutely nothing in common any more.

I am in my late 50s, so know a number of older women in their 60s who are retired. Approximately one fifth of women do not have kids. What I have seen is that they hang out with each other. So for example one woman I know who loves horses and spends her days hanging out with a large group of other divorced/widowed women who are also into horses.

One fifth of women is a lot of women, I am sure amongst that group most women can find other women they have something in common with.

I can imagine though if your whole life is your partner and you do not have any friends, then yes you will be incredibly lonely when your partner dies, The solution is not to have children purely in case that happens, but not to make your partner your whole life.

megletthesecond · 29/03/2019 11:21

No. I think they're incredibly sensible. Someone has to enjoy themselves. (Not that I'm currently tired and jealous or anything).

Chickenwing · 29/03/2019 11:22

My family judge me and make snidey comments like "oh you'll never experience this type of love" its ignorant. Plus I know in reality they say this because they are a bit jealous of my lifestyle and trying to make themselves feel better.

It actually baffles me why people do chose to have children, they're sticky, ungrateful, loud, stop you from doing your own thing and cost an insane amount of money 😉

Despite me thinking this, I would never say this to people with children as that rude. I dont know why people with kids feel they can be rude to those who chose not to.

Liverpool52 · 29/03/2019 11:23

Only from my PIL (how dare I not do my job as a walking incubator for their grand children) and one of my cousins who, after hounding me and then my mother ("how does it make you feel that your daughter doesn't want to provide you with grand children"), I stopped talking to. Had over ten years of peace from that self righteous idiot.

HouseOfToys · 29/03/2019 11:25

I think it's a bit of projection. So when you say you don't want kids to someone who has them it makes them feel that you are slagging off their choice.

CabbageHippy · 29/03/2019 11:25

I don't & never have wanted kids, have met the right man & don't regret it at all!

It's a personal choice however when I was younger I had the same as you ie you'll regret it when your older, you just haven't met the right man yet etc etc etc

1forAll74 · 29/03/2019 11:25

I know quite a lot of women who don't want children,, and for some of them, I am glad that they don't.as they would not make good Mothers at all. But mostly, if a woman decides that she doesn't want children,then that's a personal choice.and that's all that matters.

Fudgenugget · 29/03/2019 11:25

My cousin is in her late 40s, and has never wanted her own kids. I think she disappointed my DA but not much was said, otherwise. She is married and has fostered children in the past, but she never, ever wanted her own.

Sculpin · 29/03/2019 11:26

It's not just women who are judged for this, OP. My BIL doesn't want kids, and I have defended him to his Dad (my FIL) who said he was selfish. Selfish?! The selfish thing would be to go ahead and have kids if you didn't really, really want them.

Springwalk · 29/03/2019 11:27

Of course I would never judge anyone for choosing not to have children. I respect their choice. I also don’t believe they are ‘missing out’ ( I have dc) I assume they will go on to do something then meaningful worthwhile things.

I have friends that don’t want children and have never ever made them feel uncomfortable. You need new friends op!

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/03/2019 11:27

I dont have kids. A combo of gynae probs and the fact my husband didn't want them. As he has just cheated and left I am bloody glad we didn't! My children all have 4 legs and are furry. Best decision ever.

81Byerley · 29/03/2019 11:27

I had four kids, and I'm thankful for them. I don't judge women like you, I judge women who have kids without thinking about it, just because "it's the thing to do". I met a man once who told me that he and his wife were called selfish by their parents, because they didn't want children. I think it's far more selfish to have a baby for the wrong reasons.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 29/03/2019 11:28

Someone once remarked, 'we're happy as we are' in response to why him and his wife do not have children. I forget that refrain even though I tell myself to remember it.

I feel like saying to someone who asks what are my reasons for not wanting children (I am heartily fucked off having to defend my reasons. Like the implication is that I'm wrong.)

  • I don't know what love is
  • I don't know what it means to be responsible
  • I want to be lonely in my old age

Also, I wish I had the nerve, if asked if I have children, to say, 'none that survived.' Which isn't fair to those whose babies and/or children have died.

I have been known to say to the questioner: so, turning the question on it's head, why DO you have children ? At that point, there will be an awkward silence and no answer. Well, it's rude to ask, you see. Oh, ok, put perfectly acceptable (by you) to DEMAND that I tell you NOW why I don't have children.

Love51 · 29/03/2019 11:29

People are different. I have always, always wanted kids, yearned for them. And I have them and I think they are amazing. A couple of my closest friends have never wanted kids. In one case she has bipolar and for years was very promiscuous especially when manic. I thought she was great because she knew that she didn't want her own kids, so took the appropriate steps when stable to make sure she wouldn't fall pregnant. She enjoys other people's kids, but doesn't think she has the capacity to be a parent. My other friend just doesn't like kids, so why would she?
A third friend claimed not to want kids, but it was a combination of not thinking it was possible, and her partner saying she wouldn't make as good mum. She met the right man and decided to give it a go. I wasn't surprised, and I only discussed it when she raised it (and because we are close enough) but I always felt her 'i don't want kids' was a defence mechanism. She is now deliberately upduffed by a different fellow, and will make a fab mum.