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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Lokidokiartichoki · 04/04/2019 13:30

But that is judging! You’re making negative assumptions about my situation without knowing anything about me at all Hmm
Why do you think that’s acceptable?

Babuchak · 04/04/2019 13:34

Life must be so much harder with 4 than 1 or 2.

It might be for some, I don't find it harder at all. I wouldn't go on child-free holiday with 2 anymore than I do with 4, they will want parents-free holidays soon enough.

There's no extra-guilt on no being there because you have more, if nothing else it makes it easier to know they are together.

You do need a bigger car, and to book more seats when you go away, but apart from that, it's not "hard" or not more than just having 1 or even 2. Your life doesn't become more or less child-centered because you have 4.

FogDog · 04/04/2019 13:59

No judgement from me. The aim of life is to live it in a way that makes you happy. What makes others happy and content is of no relevance at all to you and your life. I think some people have trouble grasping that it’s possible to be just as happy in your forties and beyond without children as you were in your twenties without them.

I also think that if your life without children is already fulfilling, then it’s quite possible that adding children to the mix will remove the very things that make it so happy, such as independence, freedom, spontaneity, settled finances, manageable stress, good sleep patterns and healthy relationships with a partner.

Sure, having children makes some people feel happier. Well, that’s great for them. They can have as many as they are able to, and enjoy them. But don’t assume there’s a big gaping void in the life of anyone without them.

I also don’t understand the thought process behind having children to avoid being lonely in later life. What if your children want to live in another part of the country or overseas? What if they have busy lives and several young children of their own and can’t be expected to care for you? What if they are seriously ill or die before you? Silly and short-sighted.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 04/04/2019 14:05

I can honestly hand on heart say avoiding being lonely in later life did not factor at all in my decision to have a large family.Grin. I also didn’t have more so the older ones could provide free childcare, which is also regularly trotted out.

Dh and I had fairly full on fertility treatments to achieve our family but obviously it was highly likely we’d always be child free. I’m sure we would have still enjoyed our lives.

ShesABelter · 04/04/2019 14:14

No I don't judge at all and think life can be very good without children if that's what you want. I have quite a few friends who aren't having children and don't want them.

Gin96 · 04/04/2019 14:42

You also need a bigger house if you have a bigger family, especially now as they can’t afford to move out, not in my area anyway, then there’s University, it was like a second mortgage when my son was at uni as the loan didn’t cover all his accommodation, let alone food and bills and he did have a part time job as well. I’m sure you have all that covered, as I know mums on here are very well off but I couldn’t afford it.

SerenDippitty · 04/04/2019 15:37

No I don't judge at all and think life can be very good without children if that's what you want.

Life without children can be good even if it wasn't originally what you wanted.

scrawnybutscrumptious · 04/04/2019 15:39

No, I don't.

Babuchak · 04/04/2019 15:57

I’m sure you have all that covered, as I know mums on here are very well off but I couldn’t afford it.

It's true I chose to only have the kids I could afford (it's only for financial reasons that I didn't have more!), but life is not "harder" with 2 or 4 - for me I mean. We moved in our current house when we only had 2, so our mortgage wouldn't be any different if we had stopped there. Yes, there's a cost, but it doesn't feel like a burden

Gin96 · 04/04/2019 16:06

My daughter has a friend who has 5 brothers and sisters, in a 3 bed semi, the Mum and Dad sleep in the living room, the children are lovely and the Mum and Dad seem very happy but why make your life so hard? They now are building an extension as they are running out of room as the children get bigger but keep running out of money to finish it.

Lokidokiartichoki · 04/04/2019 16:10

Gin96 that’s one persons circumstances. You’re actually being very judgemental, even though you proclaim not to be.

Like I said, it’s hypocrisy. You’re on a thread which is agreeing that childless by choice families shouldn’t have to justify their decision, and you’re doing that by asking people with children to justify why they have them. Why does it matter to you?

shakeapoo · 04/04/2019 16:11

Fuck them! That's appalling! Being female does not mean you have to have children!!

Babuchak · 04/04/2019 16:11

It's only hard for you Gin96, they might find it a lot harder with a smaller family.

not everybody has to live per your own choices and standards. There are positive to a big family, even in smaller accommodation.

AlaskanOilBaron · 04/04/2019 16:12

Goodness, no. Human survival depends not only on reproduction, but also a fair number of people opting out of human reproduction.

I would be terribly, terribly sad if my children didn't have children, though. Not my business, I know, nobody needs to tell me.

BloodyDisgrace · 04/04/2019 16:24

I don’t understand why women would have more than 2 children and take such a big risk? You could end up being the main provider, why make life so hard for yourself?

I think this question has more validity in our times when marriages/relationships break more often and easily than in the generation of our parents. I'm not saying the previous gen were happy in their mode of life, but it is definitely more unstable for us, emotionally and financially, and having [more] children will make what is bad much much worse, so I'm with the person who asked that. Maybe these people (who have more children) fear less, maybe they think less, maybe their earning power is quite good. That I don't know. But it's worse asking or wondering.

BloodyDisgrace · 04/04/2019 16:25

worth asking, sorry.

Babuchak · 04/04/2019 16:37

I think it's so much easier to be on your own with kids than it ever was. War widows, or widows were respected in the past, but anyone separated, divorced or a single mum! would have struggled massively.

Nowadays, not only it doesn't matter, but you have access to financial help and support that didn't really exist before.

I don't wish to get rid of my darling husband, but should I end up on my own, my life would be a hell of a lot easier than it would have been for my grand-mother.

Gin96 · 04/04/2019 16:42

You only get support now for 2 children, I think it was from 2016, another financial risk to think about. Benifits are getting squeezed tighter and tighter, just look at the threads on here about UC

Babuchak · 04/04/2019 16:47

Gin96
I might also be run over tomorrow and leave 4 orphans instead of 2. I have planned as far as I can, but you also have to take a chance on life!
4 kids make me happy, I would have loved more but financially that was not possible. 4 will be more than enough when they start to want a car, go to uni, move, get married..

Drinks will be needed! Gin

Babuchak · 04/04/2019 16:48

I mean that financially I could survive on my own, and in this country I won't end up begging in the street and living under a bridge. We are lucky.

BrassBed · 04/04/2019 21:40

Why would you be so sad if your children chose not to have children, Alaskan?

SpeedyBojangles · 04/04/2019 21:54

I would absolutely not judge anyone choosing not to have children.

It is such a HUGE decision and changes your life forever. I completely understand, and respect women who decide to opt out from the mental, physical and financial stress associated with having children.

I have 3 DC and they are my absolute world but I mean that quite literally as in my world revolves around them. Not everyone wants this kind of a life, and although I love my children and my life, it's not for everyone and can completely understand why people would not want it.

Gin96 · 05/04/2019 08:02

@ Babuchak how do you manage on holiday, do you have to pay for 2 rooms at a hotel as most hotels for a family room only allow 4? What about flights, most airlines now charge nearly full price for children?

Lokidokiartichoki · 05/04/2019 10:44

@gin96 I can’t speak for babuchak but for my circumstances, we get two rooms. My oldest 2 are mid teens so book them a double as they would need a separate room anyway, then a family room for me, DH and the toddler (and baby when she/he gets here)
Flights the same, but we do as I presume most people do and shop around for the best deal.
We’re actually off on holiday once school has broken up for Easter - going to Limassol, not been there before so really looking forward to it.