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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
EL8888 · 29/03/2019 10:51

Not at all. It’s a lifestyle choice and it’s not for everyone. It would be beneficial if some people put some thought into it, instead of blindly doing it. Don’t even get me started on those people who say you aren’t a “real woman” unless you have children. To be honest l wasn’t that into it until l met my current partner, we are trying to conceive but not getting anywhere.

dellacucina · 29/03/2019 10:52

Have seen your updates. Your sister sounds annoying and overbearing and apparently can't separate what you want from her own values and insecurities.

You have a right to make your own choices without someone pestering you all the time.

RosaWaiting · 29/03/2019 10:53

I never wanted children

the judgement from randoms doesn't stop till about 40, IME.

I know people who say they can't have them because they can't face answering "why no kids" with "I didn't want them".

I remain amazed that anyone is that nosey as well, but that's a whole other subject.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/03/2019 10:54

nope, not at all.

I don't believe you need kids to have a fulfilling life. (if you want them and cannot have them that's entirely different, but if you don't want them, I don't think theres any kind of default unhappiness or regret!)

Lottapianos · 29/03/2019 10:56

I never ever talk about why I don't have children unless I'm in very trusted company. I have had seriously hurtful, insensitive comments from people in the past so I don't discuss it any more. People can be ASSHOLES about it. It says way more about them than it does about you by the way, not that it makes their comments any less hurtful or inappropriate

Sakura7 · 29/03/2019 10:57

Feel the same way you do OP but I don't tend to discuss it much, and even if I do I don't often get those kind of comments.

Your friends and sister are being massively unreasonable. Next time it comes up you need to tell them firmly "my life choices are not up for discussion" and if they carry on just walk out. I find it incredible that grown adults can't understand that not everyone wants the same things they do.

missmouse101 · 29/03/2019 10:58

I think they are great. I wish I had honoured how I truly felt 20 years ago, instead of being swayed by convention and having children. OP I admire you.

buzzbobbly · 29/03/2019 10:59

Everyone saying they don't judge, yet this thread has several people saying "oh but I have kids and love them/don't regret/changed my mind" etc?

You don't need to prove you love/want/don't regret your kids, just because you are commenting on a thread about not having them.

outpinked · 29/03/2019 10:59

Not at all, I really couldn’t care less either way. I have a colleague who is mid fifties and childless, she was just career focused and never had an interest in having children. I find her life interesting because it’s so vastly different from mine as a Mother of four but I don’t judge her.

CallMeRachel · 29/03/2019 11:00

No, I don't judge them in any negative way. I actually admire them. I wish more women would decide not to have children.

Too many think it's their right to reproduce without being able to offer anything in terms of security, stability and good parenting imo.

I know of two women who decided in their twenties they didn't want children and they are now in their 40's, and haven't changed their minds.

I have to say, as a mother to a teenager who has been a struggle to my MH if I knew then what I know now I may have made the decision not to have any myself too.

Redglitter · 29/03/2019 11:00

But I would secretly feel a bit sad for them

Well don't. Many of us make the decision and are perfectly happy with it

ToEarlyForDecorations · 29/03/2019 11:00

FWIW, having children doesn’t mean you won’t be lovely when you’re older - DH might die before me and DD emigrate, for all I know.

This^

(Insert lonely for lovely I assume. Although there's no reason why you couldn't be lovely when you are older.)

Parents have got their head up their arse if they think that their children are going to be there for them when they have decided the parent/s want to be a dependent, selfish pain in the bum.

As I suspected it's just, 'insurance policy' children. They seem to think they have fathered or given birth to their own geriatric care. It's all about the parents, really. (Remember it's only people who choose not to have children that are selfish.) Parents think that they are entitled to their adult child or childrens' time and attention. As soon as the parent wants to become the child and be looked after by the now adult child/children, it's as if the parent in need can just flick a switch and it's role reversal. Whilst reserving the right to pull rank as soon as something doesn't suit them.

This does not apply to time and attention, help and support, willingly and freely given to aged parents by adult children, and the parent or parents are not selfish and do not take the piss.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 11:00

Gosh no! I really don’t. I think good on them tbh.

JenMumma · 29/03/2019 11:01

I admire people who know what they want and act accordingly.
I'd probably have a lot less respect for a woman who half heartedly had children to "conform" or pacify.
It's bollocks about bro g lonely In later life, that could happen with or without children anyway. Just do you 🙂

Crushedvelvetcouch · 29/03/2019 11:02

I judge them as being very different from me I suppose.
I have five children though, opposite end of the spectrum. It would be strange indeed if we all made the same life choices.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 29/03/2019 11:02

You don't need to prove you love/want/don't regret your kids, just because you are commenting on a thread about not having them.

Oh but they will. Time after time. Again and again. On every, 'I choose not to have children' thread. Each and every one. Every one.

dellacucina · 29/03/2019 11:02

@Redglitter I don't go sharing this opinion, and it's not the same as making a judgement about someone. I have a right to my secret thoughts.

DisastrousBee · 29/03/2019 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmethystRaven · 29/03/2019 11:05

No I wouldn't judge. I respect women who make the choice not to have children because it's not right for them. It's a long hard slog when you do want them! We all suit and choose different jobs and careers so I don't really see why that is any different - I don't want to be a doctor or a flight attendant so I'm not and that's seen as a perfectly valid and sensible choice. I hope that makes sense Confused

RickOShay · 29/03/2019 11:05

I envy them Grin
I think it’s so good to know yourself and what you want out of life.
Children are not the answer.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2019 11:05

Nope. I'm in the no kids gang and it's great.

No-one has ever judged me on it (well, to my face at least).

stevie69 · 29/03/2019 11:05

But I would secretly feel a bit sad for them

Please don't. I'm living the proverbial Life of Riley Smile

Nuttyaboutnutella · 29/03/2019 11:06

Hell no! I'm a mother myself, always wanted children and am due our very much planned and wanted second child quite soon. However, I've never judged someone for not wanting kids. Actually now I have a child and I understand more why someone doesn't want them. It's a huge, lifelong commitment. Better to be sure you don't want kids then umm and ahh, go ahead and realised you've made a big mistake.

People spout on about how you'll never regret a child but yes, I think some people do. It's far better to NOT bring a child into that situation. Plus there are enough people in the world. There are plenty of positives to being child free and definitely think you can be fulfilled without them. Don't get me wrong, I adore my son and have never questioned having him, even for a second, but it's definitely a 'no going back' thing. Good on you for knowing what you want!

MadameDD · 29/03/2019 11:06

No! Why should I?! Having said that a few years back before I met the right man and had DD, I was 'on the fence' about having kids or not as I knew exactly how much hard work they were, with or without a partner. One of my 'best' friends when I was younger and she'd had DC at 18 and 20, assumed I'd have/want kids and was slightly put out when I said I wasn't sure.

I do see it a bit on MN though - 'oh once I had kids my life was complete', 'if I hadn't had DC I'd have regretted it etc'.

My childless friends now (not by choice) have had to come to terms with not having kids, not meeting the right man and not wanting a sperm donor in most cases either and I know for some it's been hard to deal with.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 29/03/2019 11:06

Yes. I judge then to be entirely sane and sensible. The way my two have been behaving this week I wonder whether I was insane for having or insane because of having them. Either way I think nobody should have kids unless they really really want them because some days remembering it's you're own fault is the only thing between you and leaving the buggers on a church doorstep somewhere.

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