Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

'We love to think that we don't judge, but we all do it'

That is so true. I don't think the judging is the problem, it's being rude enough to share the judgement out loud!

No never, I really admire them for thinking all their options.
I always automatically assumed having DC was part of life. I have 2 DC, I love my them, they are here, but I often wonder if I was right to have children, it is relentless, tiring, selfless, especially when your not well off.
IME the old me is buried, I miss her sometimes.

I don’t judge women who don’t want kids unless they are of the twat variety that make you feel like shit for having/wanting to have them.

I was told frequently that not wanting children was selfish, but nobody ever gave me an unselfish reason for having them! I think often parents feel like they had their children too young, or too old, or they are constantly complaining about how tough life is with children (from the outside it frequently looks as if they are deliberately making things hard for themselves). Judging the childless sort of validates their choices/mistakes.
After almost 10 years of marriage I changed my mind and 'persuaded' DH to change his ( if he hadn't we wouldn't have had children but I know I was the one who first wanted them). Now I can say, unselfishly, that I should have had more children because my three DC are all fabulous adults and the world needs more people like them!

'We love to think that we don't judge, but we all do it'

No, on this issue, some of us really don't. Don't claim to speak for anyone but yourself.

I honestly don't judge either. I have 2 friends who made a conscious decision not to have DC, they have an amazing life, much better quality than mine. I don't feel sad for them at all, why would I.
My NDN is 85, she had 8 DC only 1 visits and not very often, DC do not guarantee company when you are old.

I’m perfectly happy in my own company for long periods of time and never feel lonely or bored.

I'm exactly the same, I'm so happy just being alone. I also desperately wanted children and for some reason thought that these character traits would help me. I suppose I thought that I'd find the isolation of being a SAHM manageable as I enjoy doing my own thing. Of course, it's completely the opposite and I've truly found out how it feels to be agonisingly lonely and bored!!! It's the loss of freedom, I was never bored because I could always read a book or disappear into my own thoughts but I just can't do that anymore. I know it will get better as I get older but DS will remain an only. I would never judge at all...you know what is best for you!

I think it's a bit of projection. So when you say you don't want kids to someone who has them it makes them feel that you are slagging off their choice.

Definately this...I know a few people like it. Horrified if you hold a different opinion to them about anything as they see it as a personal slight.

People who make those sort of comments also tend to be the ones who go about their days thinking they know "what's best for everyone". It's incredibly smug and perhaps indicative of an ignorance of the world beyond that which they are familiar with.

I admire women who don’t want children and don’t have them, the world is over populated anyway. I think by early 30’s you know one way or another- the only thing I would say is for anyone who feels this way is to be honest at the beginning of a relationship, a member of my family doesn’t want kids (and doesn’t have them) but she never told her husband before getting married and he wants them, I barely ever see her now so I don’t know where they are at with this but I thought it was ridiculous she never talked about it before marrying.

I don't actually personally know of any woman who has chosen not to have children.

I do, however, know quite a few who haven't had children, but I have never asked them why. It's none of my business. It doesn't come up in conversation because, the purpose of our interaction has nothing to do with children so we talk about many, many other things other than our desire to have children. I do mention my children, they will sometimes ask, but they certainly aren't the focus of our discussions. Some of them will have made the choice, others didn't have the choice. Unless they choose tell me I keep my nose out of it.

I know LOADS of women who had problems getting pregnant, struggled with only having one child, etc, etc. Because I socialise with them because of my children, so conversations centred around children and having them frequently come up.

Lottapianos

Thank you for expressing so eloquently the effect that judging a woman's reproductive choices/history - something that is so personal - can have.

As for comments about being lonely, it is perfectly possible to have children and feel lonely. It happens sooner than you think as well. I see women whose teenagers are out doing their own thing and their mothers don't know what to do with themselves. My own mother always had a good circle of friends around her and enjoyed sociable hobby activities, as do I. This is how you stave off loneliness, not by growing an insta-companion who is designed to leave within two decades.

What I have found is, women who didnt want children, and lived a very nice , indulgent life syle with magnolia homes and lots of expensive holidays - suddenly realise they won't have grand children.

This is just nonsense. For one thing, the "nice, indulgent, magnolia home" comment is such a stereotype. For another, similar people gravitate to each other and most of my closest friends don't have children, so we will still be hanging out with each other at the point other people are having grandchildren.

I also don't understand why on earth I'd regret not having them? I'm not keen on small children now, that's not going to randomly change when I'm in my sixties!

My boss (male, married and enabled) used to pull the "oh, but you'd be such a brilliant mum" stunt on me all the time. I eventually shut him up by responding "I have you and you're basically an overgrown toddler, so I'm good"

Loving it

No I don't judge women who don't want kids at all. Who am I to judge?

there are steps you can take as you get older to ensure you don't get lonely. My Nan is constantly at clubs because she knows she will be lonely otherwise

The irony being presumably that your grandmother did have children, and still attends clubs because of loneliness?

My sister doesn’t have children, by choice. I have two and she’s a great auntie. We are very careful not to judge each other’s choices, but it does create a barrier between us. Our priorities are very different, and I don’t think I’ve ever said to her how much I enjoy being a mum. If anything, I go the other way and make out it’s worse than it is, because I don’t want her to feel bad.

But why would she feel bad, assuming as you say that she made her decision freely? Neither of my sisters have children, also by choice, and while our priorities are also very different, it's because we are very different people, and being a parent/not being a parent certainly isn't the key thing in that difference. I certainly don't pretend parenthood is awful because I secretly suspect they are nursing a secret sorrow about not having had a child, and I'm trying not to depress them with the sheer glamour of my life as a working mother.

Your sister is just using this as a way to score points over you OP, it's just a convenient stick to beat you with

If someone said to me oh but you'd be such a brilliant mum I would just say and?
or perhaps thank you for sharing your opinion and then change the subject
Just as I would if they said to me oh you'd be such a brilliant skydiver or whatever

I genuinely don't judge on this topic. What the hell is there to judge anyway?

No one is obliged to have children, in fact there are very many people who shouldn't have bothered.

I'm amazed that people stick their noses in to this extent. I'm always very wary of questioning people about this type of thing, because as a pp said, you have no idea about their circumstances.

I've been asked by a couple of people if my children were planned, I was quite taken aback, it's such a personal thing.

No judgement here. Indeed, I don't blame anybody for not wanting kids. I didn't want children, I have somehow ended up with two but that's another story. I found when I was younger that older people were particularly judgemental in this respect and I remember one of my mum's friends thinking it was OK to tell me that I was incredibly selfish and self absorbed because my mum had an "absolute right" to expect to be a grandmother . When I pointed out that I had a brother who may do that eventually, she said "it's not the same". Righto.

My DD doesn't want children. She's 21 but hugely ambitious. It might change one day I guess, but I suspect not. She's a marvellous older sister to my 8 year old DS but I think me having him almost confirmed her decision for her. I don't care either way, her life, her body, her choices. I would never judge her or have an opinion on her absolute right to choose not to.

Agreed, Max. The indulgent/selfish/careerist/maniacally tidy childfree woman who is continually jetting off on longhaul holidays, being a CEO and saving the world, while sitting about admiring her pristine walls, is such a lazy cliché.

And feeling sorry for older women whose lives have shrunk to their grandchildren, and who will be Tragically Alone because they have no chubby toddler photos to show their friends is another lazy cliché wrapped up as faux concern. Being a mother is not the defining thing about my life now aged 46, so I would be very surprised if being a grandmother is the thing which defines my life aged 76.

Absolutely no I would never judge. I often cringe to hear/read some of the patronising and downright rude things that people say to women who are childfree. This thread has some prime examples.

I’ve been told that I’m “lazy” and “selfish” for not wanting kids. And I’ve also been told “but it would be the making of you”. Drives me potty!

If it’s all from the same person I think “fuck off” is a perfectly acceptable reply after the third or so comment.

People are idiots, and motherhood seems to be the one area where everybody is entitled to have and express an opinion.

too young
too old
not enough kids
too many

I admire people who are living the life they chose. I feel sorry for the ones who wanted kids and cannot, and they ones who ended up bullied in arranged marriages and trapped with kids they love but didn't want.

Some people think your decision is some kind of criticism of their own lifestyle, they are just very insecure.
Some parents are blissfully happy to have children, and would be miserable without them.
others have made a huge mistake, regret it without being able to change anything, some marriages have broken because of the kids.

It's nobody's business what you chose, there's nothing wrong in having a life child-free!

It's especially insensitive to make comments because of the amount of women who suffer from infertility and keep it quiet - so discussing something that is none of your business whilst the other woman is barely recovering from a still birth you didn't know about, that is vile, thoughtless and stupid.

You do not need to have kids to have a happy and fulfilled life!

Saying you feel sorry for someone who does not have kids is massively patronising.
I am in a long and happy marriage that massively improves my life. I have friends who are happily single. Why would I feel sorry for someone who is happy living their life differently to me?

God yes the 'career woman' cliché, Max and Keener. That if you don't have kids you are instead required to win multiple Nobel Prizes because otherwise wtf are you doing with your life, you slacker.