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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 31/03/2019 16:11

Ps. Your marriage is seriously not affair proof

Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 16:23

Scrolllock: as a poster mentioned upthread, had you performed similar favours for male colleagues? Did you discuss your colleague’s relationship problems with her, talk about her a lot, tell your wife that “we” (you and the colleague) wouldn’t take your relationship further?

Perhaps in your case your ex wife was irrationally jealous: that’s not the case here.

GoFiguire · 31/03/2019 16:37

Ahh, that’s nice Scrolllock, so it was your wife’s fault? Ahhh, that’s nice.

Nearlythere1 · 31/03/2019 16:40

@ScrollLock presumably if your wife was acting, in your own words, on the basis of some "deep-seated female intuition" then she was in fact right to be concerned? You sound like a dick for throwing away your marriage over a colleague then blaming it on your wife's insecurities.

blueshoes · 31/03/2019 16:54

I wonder what 'deepseated feminine intuition' is. Is she a witch?

nometal · 31/03/2019 17:09

Ahh, that’s nice Scrolllock, so it was your wife’s fault? Ahhh, that’s nice.

Sorry, I didn't mean it to come across like that. It takes two to tango and, looking back, the way I acted afterwards made me much much at fault for the breakup as she was. However, up until the accusation, I was living in blissful ignorance.

Scrolllock: as a poster mentioned upthread, had you performed similar favours for male colleagues?

Yes, and other female colleagues.

Perhaps in your case your ex wife was irrationally jealous: that’s not the case here.

That's the rub. She wasn't. At the works function she spotted that the female colleague was interested in me. I had no idea. She then put two and two together and got five.

Not an exact parallel of the OP's situation, I'll agree.

blueshoes · 31/03/2019 17:12

I am confused. Scrollock = nometal?

nometal · 31/03/2019 17:15

I am confused. Scrollock = nometal?

Same person. Created an AE for another thread and got them mixed up.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 17:34

A quick update. I asked him what’s so special about this friend. I have met her and she seems perfectly nice but I feel like he goes out of his way for her. So he smiled, looked up and started listing things like she’s so good, would never hurt anyone, is one of the kindest people he’s ever met, etc. Fucking hell. I think he’s in love with her. The look on his face. I’ve only ever seen that look before when he’s looking at our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 17:35

I think someone asked how long they have been friends. Less than a year.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 17:35

Oh wow!
Sounds like a teen when they meet someone new.
Smitten.
Do you have a plan?

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 17:37

I’m not going to be second best or do the pick me dance. I’m so so angry now. I need to think about how best to handle this. I’m so disappointed in him. Angry angry angry. Angry at myself for loving such a weak man.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 17:39

I actually don’t think anything has happened between them. I think he’s infatuated.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 31/03/2019 17:42

Yes, it could well be case of a crush, I suppose, but would that mean she feels the same?
She can't be unaware, surely?

AgathaF · 31/03/2019 17:42

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

MrsMozartMkII · 31/03/2019 17:43

Oh bugger with bells on lass.

He's in for one almighty wake up call when his comfortable life disintegrates around his ears.

AgathaF · 31/03/2019 17:43

Even if nothing's happened, it's just so horrible that he appears to have such a crush on her.

Inertia · 31/03/2019 17:44

The storming out was an opportunity to delete messages from his phone.

Men who spout off about cheating being wrong need to preserve their own self-image by turning the blame onto their wives- don't be surprised at how quickly everything will become your fault, and how he'll rewrite history to paint a picture of how unhappy he's been for years .

alaric77 · 31/03/2019 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 31/03/2019 17:47

Sorry, cross-posted with your updates.

Doesn't look good, I'm sorry.

In your shoes, I think I'd probably act fast and tough. Tell him that it's clear he's in love with her, you're not prepared to be second best, and it's time to start figuring out the next steps in terms of residency of the children, selling the house etc. He needs to understand that he doesn't get to keep the cosy home life and the dreamy teen romance- reality needs to start hitting him.

TemporaryPermanent · 31/03/2019 17:48

I don't know. I suppose my view is, you cannot stop humans from connecting with other humans. You wouldn't love him if he were not capable of seeing positive things in other people. The fact he is telling you is a good thing. He needs to be aware though that she's a real person with her own thoughts and agenda. If she decides to make a pass at him, what will he do?

swimrunfun · 31/03/2019 17:49

So your H thinks she's awesome and she's having relationship problems which your H is helping her with.

Hugs and lots of luck to you.

Drogonssmile · 31/03/2019 17:50

Stay angry op. It'll help you get through what you need to. He's a dick. I'm so sorry Thanks

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 31/03/2019 17:54

I think I would go "scorched earth" on this...preferably out of the marital home to consider his actions, and this inappropriate relationship. I would not keep his secret either....I'd tell anyone who would listen about the silly fool.

At the very least he'd be out of my bed and spending a long time on the sofa
Normal married life would cease to exist, he can fend for himself and see how he likes doing his own laundry and cooking with his precious thoughts about this wonderful woman

How dare he hold her up as some fucking icon to his WIFE

OP keep that anger you have found, You are worth more than this, you KNOW that. Kick him out like a mangy tomcat you have caught stealing in your bin!

Delatron · 31/03/2019 17:55

That is all you need to know OP. How disrespectful of him to you and your message. Listing all the things he likes about her!

I would be telling him to leave.