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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 01/04/2019 06:25

Why would she really need to have a look at the phone? He has already stated who is at the top of the priorities. Pushing on that would only make the OP look more desperate. She needs to start distancing herself from this man if she wants to get a little respect.

Eattothebeat · 01/04/2019 06:35

For me, I'd want to know exactly what had been going on. I know what he's already said is pretty damning but he's denied that anything has happened between them and states they are just friends and is therefore probably gaslighting poor OP. I suspect there is more to it so if it were me I would like to see their communications for myself - if only to tell him what a lying, gaslighting bastard he is. However I do realise that for a lot of posters what he's already said about this woman is reason enough to end the marriage.

alaric77 · 01/04/2019 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alaric77 · 01/04/2019 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EffYouSeeKaye · 01/04/2019 07:21

Ask him if he is in love with her. It’s a reasonable question. You’ll know from his response and then you can make your next move. Good luck 💐

Orangecookie · 01/04/2019 08:28

Now this is really good advice. @notwitch

Sorry OP, that is just so shit. As DH has never in the 25 years I have known him even once demonstrated any sort of controlling behaviour, if he asked me to stop seeing a friend because it made him uncomfortable I would do it. He has earned that respect for his feelings and he and my family are my priority. You need to be smart now, have a look at the financial situation and maybe start making plans. Remember, he is not your friend anymore in this. So many women get screwed over because they remember they man they married and don't pay attention to the one they have with now.

Rumbletum2 · 01/04/2019 09:28

It doesn’t matter if she is his friend. You and he are a partnership and she is not a friend to your marriage which should come first.

Bipbopbee · 01/04/2019 09:38

Op I’m so sorry for this stress you are going through Flowers

Perhaps this woman’s relationship problems stem from her DH being unhappy about this friendship with your DH.

She needs to focus on her own relationship and respect yours. She sounds totally selfish.
I’m sure she must have other friends she could lean on .

Thinking of you.

SlaaartyBaaardFaaast · 01/04/2019 09:51

How are you doing @PinaColada66?
Been thinking of you Flowers

Spottyowl · 01/04/2019 10:02

Been thinking of you too OP x

HoldMyGirl · 01/04/2019 10:03

I've just read your update OP.

Eugh, I can't believe he had the gall to look you in the eye and describe her to you like that, especially being aware of how you feel about her and their 'friendship'.

Would he look and sound the same way, describing a male friend? I don't think so Hmm

Orangecookie · 01/04/2019 10:32

Perhaps this woman’s relationship problems stem from her DH being unhappy about this friendship with your DH.

Very good point. And if it isn’t what started it, it’s the death knell now. Her DH must be hurting too to think she’s turning to another man.

FookMeFookYou · 01/04/2019 10:35

Yuk, read your update. Sadly I bet she is loving this... all this attention and drama over her, little old her who wouldn't hurt a fly Hmm I absolutely detest this behaviour. Can't stand cheaters and anyone who revels in causing drama in another persons relationship just because they feel shit about themselves. I'm with @EffYouSeeKaye ask him outright - if he admits it or seems reluctant to answer show him the door. Silly man

Damntheman · 01/04/2019 10:42

I actually asked my DH about this because I was also unsure if it was a step too far to ask him to end this friendship. My DH didn't even hesitate, he said he would never put a friendship above his marriage.

Your DH needs a sharp shock, OP, to realise what he's risking here.

firefirefire · 01/04/2019 13:05

My ex did exactly this with a new female 'friend'. Made out I was a jealous crazy mental woman and got so many people on his side. I even apologised to his woman for appearing jealous. Thought I was going mad.

He left me for her a few months later.

It has affected me ever since as it made me lose faith in people. Luckily I am happily married now and let's just say the cunt got his karma big time.

MzHz · 01/04/2019 13:11

Absolutely the best move is Short Sharp Shock. Show him what his “friend” is going to cost him.

You have a narrow window to do this, scorched earth all the way

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/04/2019 14:07

Just read your update OP I'm so sorry. He does sound infatuated, everyone has bad points and I can't believe he doesn't see that moaning about your husband to another guy isn't one of hers. Good luck for the next steps

Fairenuff · 01/04/2019 14:54

I would make it crystal clear to him. I would say that you don't want to stop him being friends with anyone and you have never asked before. Tell him that this particular friendship is different and it's making you unhappy. What you need from him is reassurance that he is committed to his marriage. Tell him that he has to choose. See how he reacts.

DozyGrumpyDad · 01/04/2019 23:05

As a fella (go easy on me) I had a female friend who I knew before my DW. She is outgoing and very very attractive. I had a crush on her for a few weeks which lapsed well before I met my DW. My dh then got to know her and she was invited to my wedding and brought her fella. After a while they broke up and I mentioned it in passing to DW. From then on I got snide remarks about why don't you go around and comfort her, help her paint and decorate etc.
A) she's mad as a box of frogs so that'll be a no from me,
B) I fucking hate painting with a passion and if I don't do it in my house I'll not be doing it for free in someone else's.
C) etc being other remarks I've forgotten.
It wasn't very mature of my wife lol but to me marriage first. I didn't feel upset about being questioned. I let the friendship fizzle out and I haven't let others develop because it would cause more upset than fulfilled from a friendship.
That's just how it is, marriage first then friendships a distant 2nd.
Someone else said if it feels like you're on a leash then you just want to pull on it that's just plain horse shit. It's a marriage for fucks sake to make it work it takes work and a bit of sacrifice now and then not something to rebel against like a teenager who feels like their owed something.
He needs to grow up if he values his marriage.

DozyGrumpyDad · 01/04/2019 23:08

I meant to say my marriage is far from perfect and I'd like to think that if my marriage broke up it would t be because of an affair. I hate drama and subterfuge as I've little patience for that type of thing.

Itssosunny · 01/04/2019 23:26

Does he forget when talking about her that you're his wife and not his mum or just a friend? He has no empathy.

CassandraAttheWedding · 02/04/2019 01:19

Dear PinaColada,

I completely understand your initial hesitation thinking this might be some crush which would blow over relatively harmlessly or worrying that he isn't doing anything wrong (he's just innocently friends with this woman) and here you come stomping and demanding he gives up a rewarding friendship. Comparing with yourself is not helpful at all, where you say you'd be very unhappy if he demanded the same about your friend.
I have a few male friends, one of the most precious I can think of from way before I met DH, he's long distance now and we go long periods not talking, then talking non-stop enthusiastically. I love him and love his family by extension, and would be horrified if my DH demanded I give up this friendship. However instead of flouncing off my first reaction would be what makes you uncomfortable about our relationship? Could I do anything to alleviate your fears? Do you want to see our correspondence? If you want we could create a WhatsApp group where the three of us talk if we think there's any topic you could be interested in as well, and so on. I surely would either show him my phone myself, or would immediately show him if he wanted to see what we were talking about.
If your DH is guarding his privacy with this woman it is such a bad sign. You don't need to go sneaking on his phone, the things you would potentially see you wouldn't be able to un-see and they would haunt you for eternity, esp. if you stay together in the end. Just ask him to share his conversations for your peace of mind, ask him to have a look. If he refuses or everything or nearly everything is deleted, there's your answer.
If you need some facts you could look at his mobile bill online and see how often he rings her if you know login details for the mobile. Though if he uses WhatsApp etc it wouldn't show... If he can't show you his phone, then brings the situation to a head and he can't deny that something is going on. Also it is beyond bizarre to say we would never let anything untoward happen as you are decent people, would you say that to your DH about your friendships with your male friends? You would laugh or boak at the very idea!
So if he refuses to share, and you want to stay with him, here's your time to give an ultimatum, just say it's your family or her, he'd be resentful if he already has feelings, but if you and your family are still more important than her it's your only chance to stop the development of this relationship in its tracks. He'd get over it eventually. He will not get over it while being allowed to get stuck deeper and deeper in this quicksand.
I've seen quite a few men who had affairs like that, and who admitted afterwards that if DW hadn't been so "kind" and pulled them up on it and gave an ultimatum they would have chosen to stay with the family. They didn't because they were having their cake and eating it, and some eventually left, while others stayed(usually because the OW withdrew for her own reasons) but broke the heart and the trust of the wife forever, the relationship never properly recovered...
Sending positive vibes your way, poor you. x

Blondebakingmumma · 02/04/2019 06:01

How are you OP?

RoboticSealpup · 02/04/2019 08:39

Also it is beyond bizarre to say we would never let anything untoward happen as you are decent people, would you say that to your DH about your friendships with your male friends? You would laugh or boak at the very idea!

Exactly this. I think he accidentally told you a bit more than he intended when he said that.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/04/2019 09:09

Hope you’re okay Flowers

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