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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:

Rhubarbisevil · 02/04/2019 09:20

Do you have kids together? Even if not, book yourself a holiday without him and go off for a week, at least. When he gets cross that he isn’t going with you, smile sweetly and say you need some space away from the family home to think about everything he has said.

Don’t let him bully you. If he acts hurt and says that he’s accidentally hurt you but you are deliberately hurting him (which is worse, in his mind) turn it back on him. Say that you understand that he wants to do his own thing with his own friends and you are doing the same. But say it nicely with a smile.

Then plaster photos all over social media to show him what a fun time you are having and what he’s missing.

Did you ever read the Mars and Venus books? If not, here are the tips to deal with this:

invest in self care - look good and you’ll feel great
plan your own activities either with you or the kids s. No DH.
be fun and happy
exclude DH from everything but be nice about it and show what a great time you can have without him.

lostinspats · 02/04/2019 09:51

Whilst I share your dislike of rhubarb, Rhubarbisevil , I think OP going off on a hol or trying to make OH jealous wouldn't be a good idea without making sure everything is sorted out beforehand. Legal paperwork stored elsewhere and so on. And OP doesn't want to come back, find the locks have been changed and Wailing Woman installed in the house. Ok, a worst scenario but this a little boy being ruled by his old chap, and OP should not be left looking the fool when she can leave that to others.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/04/2019 09:59

I wouldn't be leaving him to it and going on holiday

I'd be giving him an ultimatum

Hope you're ok OP

lottiegarbanzo · 02/04/2019 10:11

Hope you're ok OP.

One comment is that your hubristic title has attracted people whose husbands did have affairs, not 'average posters' who may or may not be at risk of an affair.

That means either or both of; the thread has functioned as a highly attuned early warning system / the thread has erred heavily on the side of doom and gloom.

Blueowls · 02/04/2019 10:58

Totally agree @lottiegarbanzo.

The speed at which this particular thread escalated to 'LTB' and the insistence of many posters to see the worst case scenario certainly raised my eyebrows.

The actual evidence of this man committing serious wrongdoing is flimsy at best, yet people seem to be determined for the OP to let her niggling concerns run rampant.

Angrybird123 · 02/04/2019 11:04

Because we've been there and had those exact things said to us which have the turned into affair/ divorce etc. One of the hardest things to deal with is feeling like if you'd realised earlier maybe you could have turned events so that your marriage didn't become a statistic and your kids have to live in a split family. Regardless of how I feel about my twat of a ex now (wouldn't touch him with a bargepole) I would have acted differently at the crucial moments if it meant my kids got to keep their family whole. Its not projection its experience.

CassandraAttheWedding · 02/04/2019 11:09

Blueowls, no one said LTB, no one. It's obvious OP doesn't want to! It's him who's potentially on the verge of doing it, and we are trying to help her to do something about it.

Orangecookie · 02/04/2019 11:12

I too think the majority are not saving leave. They are saying act decisively and in a way that shows her DH this is serious. And that if she doesn’t, he will happily slide into the EA and their marriage will take a lot to come back from that.

lostinspats · 02/04/2019 11:22

The actual evidence of this man committing serious wrongdoing is flimsy at best, yet people seem to be determined for the OP to let her niggling concerns run rampant.

Owls, it's in the nature of this experience exactly the case that there's no hard evidence (unless you want to include....oh, never mind ). What half-intelligent cheater is going to leave a trail clues that will get them caught unless they can help it? This fella is wanting cake where he can get it.

The give-away to those who have been there is the effect that affairs cause, show by the conversations the OP is now having with her OH. I think the 'escalation', if there's been one, is in the realisation of what's really been taking place. All in the OP's favour, and if not then there's no harm done, eh.

OP's 'niggling concerns running rampant' Er, ok........

Alsohuman · 02/04/2019 11:27

Thing is harm is being done. One of my friends was accused of having an affair with a male friend by her husband. Just before their silver wedding. She said if he didn’t trust her all bets were off and she left him. There was no affair except in his head. And he threw his marriage away.

CassandraAttheWedding · 02/04/2019 11:42

Alsohuman - the situation where men accused of having an affair are actually having an affair are far more common. Much more damage might arise from not exactly not accusing, but from not doing anything.
As for your friend - we don't know what the situation was (we do know here what info OP provided us with, and everyone is giving guidance according to it and their experiences).
But to throw your marriage away after 25 years because your husband mistakenly accused you(and we can't talk about why he did without the facts) - sounds more like she used it as an excuse to leave him to be honest.

CassandraAttheWedding · 02/04/2019 11:48

Rhubarb - I also agree it's evil along with celery, but don't agree about any artificial gestures. I don't think OP would be able to pretend to be happy even if she wanted now, and she would not be able to enjoy any holidays etc. And her energetically pursuing her own life would only provide him with reason to feel all abandoned and seeking solace elsewhere, or with comfort to hang out with his "friend" without being troubled by his DW's obvious unhappiness.

It's time for her to be honest, reconnect with her DH and show him how hurt she is and what's at stake

Bipbopbee · 02/04/2019 11:50

But to throw your marriage away after 25 years because your husband mistakenly accused you(and we can't talk about why he did without the facts) - sounds more like she used it as an excuse to leave him to be honest.

I thought the same thing.

Alsohuman · 02/04/2019 11:50

I don’t think it was an excuse at all. My friend believes that when trust has gone the relationship is dead and her husband was very well aware of that. She was very angry that he would make a baseless accusation without being absolutely sure of his ground. Why the reluctance to acknowledge another perspective?

brownbeauty · 02/04/2019 11:54

Never ever let your guard down
Nothing is anything proof

areyoubeingserviced · 02/04/2019 11:56

There is no marriage that is ‘affair proof’

CassandraAttheWedding · 02/04/2019 12:01

Human - ok, but it's obviously not what's happening here unfortunately. No one is putting into OP's head that he is definitely having an affair already, but you can't deny after rtft he is getting closer to another woman than he is to his own wife. And never parts with his phone (i bet it's password protected) and storms off when his wife opens up about feeling insecure instead of attending to her feelings.

Orangecookie · 02/04/2019 12:32

It doesn’t matter whether it becomes sexual in a sense, her DH is putting this ‘friend’ on a pedestal and clearly is a bit infatuated. He’s putting her first. He cares more about female friends need for someone to talk to about her marriage than he does his own wife’s need to talk about THEIR marriage.

This is what kills a marriage.

Not what the OP does or doesn’t do.

Bit about the woman who ended a whole marriage because her husband accused her of having an affair! Bit harsh to say the least. Not exactly working on problems. Trust isn’t something that’s there or not. Trust is something you both continually work on.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/04/2019 12:36

Yes, for me that would be what I'm upset about right now too

Sculpin · 02/04/2019 12:36

Of course it matters whether or not this becomes sexual! Almost everyone in a long term relationship will occasionally find themselves attracted to someone else. But if they make the decision to ignore the attraction and stay faithful to their partner, that's what matters.

shitholiday2018 · 02/04/2019 12:58

I haven’t read everything but the first few and first last pages. strikes me that yo are putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5. This will eat you up and it could be for nothing. Why don’t you just talk to him? Tell him how to feel and explain exact.y what you’ve said here about his face and that look. See what he says, as well as how he reacts. If you are still concerned, ask him to dial back on the friendship. If he respects you, he will understand.

Not read how they met. My partner and I both have friendships of the opposite sex Pre dating marriage. NEither of us have struck up signifnat friendships with the opposite sex after marriage. Thinking about it , we have but with people who ar gay and therefore pose no threat. I wouldn’t star going to the pub with a new male, straight friend because it would give th wrong message all round, to him, to my partner, and to the world at large. I respect my partner too much to risk that. I also think striking up such friendships might muddy the water - no one is utterly immune to attraction to the opposite sex and I deliberately keep my romantic blinkers on. Men are simple creatures hard wired to sling it all about, women are not. So I’d also query why this woman has struck up a friendship with a married man, it breaks so many unwritten rules. It sounds suspicious, but you have to talk to him.

If he dismisses you, or refuses to dial down the thing that’s making you insecure, or provide a real reason why there’s no issue, then you have your answer. If he values the thing with her more than his thing with you, then he’s out isn’t he?

Orangecookie · 02/04/2019 13:02

Absolutely not just what matters sculpin. I think you should look up emotional affairs and how devastating they are to a marriage.

This is exactly why the poor OP is hurting now. Nothing sexual has happened. And yet damage is being done already with her DH shouting at her and choosing another woman over her feelings.

Orangecookie · 02/04/2019 13:04

@shitholiday she’s tried talking to him and has been incredibly unselfish and understanding of him. What has he done? Shouted at her. Stormed out. Made her feel second best and belittled her.

This is what happens in EAs, they ARE affairs already and the wife gets put second best to another woman. It’s not just sex that separates affairs.

shitholiday2018 · 02/04/2019 13:05

Sorry I didn’t read that bit. Ultimatum it is then.

whateverhappenstheremore · 02/04/2019 13:07

No marriage is affair proof. I felt the same as you and have been left heartbroken. He wants to stay and says it's a mistake - has realised he will lose his family - but I'm not sure I want him to

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