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Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
Delatron · 31/03/2019 17:55

Your marriage not message

YemenRoadYemen · 31/03/2019 17:58

At the moment he's having his cake and eating it to, so there's no reason at all for him to change his behaviour.

RikoBitch · 31/03/2019 18:01

I'm very sorry, OP. I also thought my marriage was affair proof. By the time I got suspicious, it was too late. They've been living together for years now.

Amongstthetallgrass · 31/03/2019 18:04

Oh Jesus just seen your update.

He is an embarrassing knobhead.

Madratlady · 31/03/2019 18:07

I’ve been there, he told me he had ‘feelings’ for someone else, turned out he’d told her he loved her and tried to kiss her but she was hesitant. Apparently she liked him too but wasn’t willing to start a relationship as he was married with kids. I found a note for her a year and a half later, when he’d been clearing out his desk at work and clearly she’d been loving the drama too. We eventually relocated back to where we’d originally moved from and he cut all contact, but from me finding out something was going on to things feeling ok and right between us again took several years. I stayed originally because I was heavily pregnant in a new town 100 miles from home, then I could just never bring myself to leave, I should have kicked him out immediately in hindsight although we’re happy now and I’ve not had any concerns about female friends before or since.

Ginpasta · 31/03/2019 18:11

You could of described my ex husband in your original post. I wouldn't of thought he would cheat but he ended up having 2 affairs. So no, I don't think any marriage is affair proof

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/03/2019 18:11

I’m so sorry love. Glad you kept picking that thread though, this could have played on for months. He’d have convinced you that you were mad.

Floralhousecoat · 31/03/2019 18:18

Op you need to disengage emotionally from him. No sex. No meals cooked or laundry done for him. Give him a taste of life without you. It may give him a short sharp shock and make him realise what he stands to lose. I think it's called the 180 which you impmement with a spouse you suspect of cheating. Google it. It's the opposite of the pick me dance.

It's his choice to keep this friend, but you don't have to bend over backwards to be a good wife to him while he fawns over another woman. I'm not surprised you're angry. His behaviour is disgustingly off putting.

Paddy1234 · 31/03/2019 18:19

OP - just hugs, that's all

larsanator · 31/03/2019 18:19

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larsanator · 31/03/2019 18:20

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Amongstthetallgrass · 31/03/2019 18:21

Don’t click on larsenators link!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/03/2019 18:43

Did you also stormed out, told her to suck it up and continue the friendship? If so, the relationship ended because with your actions you made your wife realise she was not important enough.

Having said that, if your wife was an all controlling always jealous woman, I take that back, yes... the right decision is to leave because that kind of jealous poses I’ve person never changes. But it seems the OP in this case is exactly the opposite of that. Far too trusting for her own good.

Worried2019 · 31/03/2019 18:44

I'm so sorry. Definitely leave x Thanks

RoboticSealpup · 31/03/2019 18:48

I googled the 180, but I think the Chump Lady blog has it better: www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/

81Byerley · 31/03/2019 19:25

My husband is the kind of man who likes to help people and I get the impression she has been asking for his advice and opinion on her problems. I think he likes to be needed.

I could have written this. It broke up my marriage.

scottishlass123 · 31/03/2019 20:46

Your husband said this female friend is a good person as she would never hurt anyone, but she is hurting you and your children by turning your husbands head away from his family. Right, you are angry now so it is time to give him the ultimatum of his family and marriage or this female friend. Don't hide what he is doing either, let his family and your family know and your friends. They might talk a bit of sense into him. Or go to relate asap before your marriage is damaged any further.

Casperandjasper · 31/03/2019 21:50

For you Op Flowers
Use Mumsnet to help you stay strong.

S021 · 31/03/2019 23:10

Everyone likes to be needed

Orangecookie · 31/03/2019 23:55

I’d second stopping the wife bits. He doesn’t get both and it doesn’t matter if he hasn’t had a sexual affair. Out of your bed. Our of your emotional life. Do a lot of stuff for you and the kids.

After some time. Ask him to list your qualities. Ask him to help you as you have serious relationship difficulties. Ask him to help or Trevor from accounts has offered to be a big masculine shoulder to cry on for you.

Blondebakingmumma · 01/04/2019 00:58

Oh shit. Doesn’t sound good op

ahtellthee · 01/04/2019 01:08

Fuck this, OP. While you are being respectful, you are giving him time to inch closer and closer with her. Affairs don't happen spontaneously, they build up over time.

He needs a short, sharp shock.

I would just be telling him straight. Her or me. No deliberations, it should be gut instinct for him to protect your marriage and family. If he wants to put someone else before you, esp a platonic relationship, then he has forgotten his wedding vowsZ

If he even hesitated, he'd be out on his arse.

IAmNotAWitch · 01/04/2019 01:09

Sorry OP, that is just so shit.

As DH has never in the 25 years I have known him even once demonstrated any sort of controlling behaviour, if he asked me to stop seeing a friend because it made him uncomfortable I would do it.

He has earned that respect for his feelings and he and my family are my priority.

You need to be smart now, have a look at the financial situation and maybe start making plans.

Remember, he is not your friend anymore in this. So many women get screwed over because they remember they man they married and don't pay attention to the one they have with now.

Ihatehashtags · 01/04/2019 04:45

That is rubbish Op. I’m really sorry. You deserve better. I’d give him an ultimatum. You or her. If it’s her, he’s goes. I’d also do this in the presence of a relationship counsellor. They’ll be backing you all the way. But first, get tour ducks in a row until the next time you talk to him about it.

Eattothebeat · 01/04/2019 06:03

You really need to get hold of that phone. Is he a heavy sleeper? If so could you take it in to the bathroom in the night?

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