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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend got me a gift that HE wanted for MY birthday- AIBU?

169 replies

Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:09

Hi all,

I just wanted to get an idea of whether IABU or would you feel a bit put out also in this situation?
Basically my boyfriend of 3 years got me a birthday gift..... He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together' (now I know not to make that mistake again). He got me tickets to a concert of someone that he is very keen on and knows all his songs, has his albums etc etc (male acoustic solo type artist) Not my usual taste in music.

We have been to see this artist twice before (because he has been desperate to go and has paid for me to go with him)- fine! I've generally had a good time at these concerts because it's a night out, I'm with the person I love and I've known a few of the more popular tunes. Other than this I have no other interest and my boyfriend knows I'm not sitting there listening to him in my spare time.

He knows I love musicals and have been dying to see a couple for ages (which I have made well clear), so I suppose I was half hoping he would maybe surprise me with tickets to one of these or something that was a bit more 'me'. I almost feel a bit cheated out of a birthday present, knowing full well he would buy the tickets anyway had it not been around the time of my birthday (and I've already seen said artist twice already).

AIBU or is he being selfish? Should I bring this up with him or suck it up this time, and be more explicit in the future?

OP posts:

cstaff · 29/03/2019 22:06

Ask him if he wants to buy the tickets off you (And I do mean both) coz you would prefer to go to a musical and will bring your friend as you know he has no interest

GabsAlot · 29/03/2019 22:12

its a bit thoughtless but i wouldnt go to see someone i mildly liked with dh more than once-id have to really like them myself to go more so he obviously thought the same

SandyY2K · 29/03/2019 22:40

This happens as a result of trying to be a cool GF. You've gone along to see an artist you aren't keen on to please him.

You should be assertive enough to let him go alone or with a friend.

It's your birthday, so why did you say something we'll enjoy.

If after 3 years of together you can't be direct (by saying what you want) and are still trying to please him...by going along with seeing his artist, it doesn't bode well.

I'd still tell him to go with a friend...as you don't want that as your birthday gift...or you'll accompany him...but not for your birthday present.

Start being straight and tell him ...you aren't keen on the artist...but went for his sake in the past and you tried to make the most of it.

kattekitt · 29/03/2019 22:48

I’d get him to watch the film ‘break up’, I’d also explain that a musical is your version of the ballet, but be aware he might get that wrong and you’ll end up with a bag of lemons for your next birthday.

Tenpercentgenius · 29/03/2019 23:01

Oh dear OP, I'm afraid I've been guilty of this!

A while back I got surprise tickets for me and my DH to see the musical Rent for his birthday. I recall it was about a group of mostly male, gay dancers in New York, most of whom ended up getting Aids.

I'll never forget my DH's face as we walked in...it really wasn't his cup of tea. He was polite about it at the time but has never let me forget it!

You do deserve better on your birthday

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/03/2019 23:21

This reminds me of a friend of mine, whose wife got him Love Actually for Christmas one year. He hates rom coms but she really wanted it, so that was his present.
He wasn't impressed either!

Definitely selfish.

Spanielmadness · 29/03/2019 23:44

Either ditch him or accept this is the best you’ll get gift-wise from now on. If he is great in all other ways and you can accept that, fine. It does tell you how he values you. Not as much as himself!

I’m talking from bitter experience.

Now, however, I’m with a great chap who actually cares about me!

Ohtherewearethen · 30/03/2019 06:10

This would really bother me. It is so selfish. I think I would have to say something or you might end up feeling really resentful.
Next time he brings up going to the concert could you be completely unexcited and just say, 'Oh yeah. I forgot we have to go to that next month. Wouldn't you rather go with a mate who would actually
enjoy it?' Then say that while he's at his concert you can go to see the musical with your friend, as it's you birthday and nice to do something you really enjoy.

sashh · 30/03/2019 06:21

Go to the concert with a friend.

If he comments tell him it's your birthday present and you will take whoever you like.

Or sell them, again they are yours and you can do what you like.

Just make sure he doesn't get to see this band/singer with those tickets.

Teacher22 · 30/03/2019 06:26

if this chap is nice in other ways and you feel you would like to stick with him then give him the benefit of the doubt in this case. It might have been a piece of unempathetic blokethink rather than sheer selfishness.

But in future, manage the birthday situation better. State your birthday wishes explicitly and do no expect a man to deliver a ‘surprise’ that is in your head.

I have learned this the hard way over 40 years. My DH is generous and kind but buys the wrong thing so I tell him exactly what I want.

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 30/03/2019 07:39

Why would you want a surprise, when you had exactly what you wanted in your head all along? YABU for that, just be clear, cos there are bad surprises as well as good, and if you set 'tests' like this then it's not fair.

However your bf is VVVU by trying to get away with this crap, it is selfish behaviour to think that he can buy you a present he loves but that you only sort of like. Did you rave about this singer after the gigs?

Tink88 · 30/03/2019 07:43

Aww thanks for the 2 concert tickets, my friend really likes this artist so I think I’ll take her with me.

cherrytree63 · 30/03/2019 07:49

Reminds me of a conversation I overheard between my children, who were about 6 and 8 at the time.
"What shall we get mummy for her birthday?"
"The chocolates she doesn't like then we can eat them"

manicmij · 30/03/2019 10:28

Buy him tickets to a musical for his birthday. Don't ask what he would like. Simple.

Likethewind321 · 30/03/2019 10:56

@weenurse that made me laugh out loud 😂

notacooldad · 30/03/2019 11:14

Buy him tickets to a musical for his birthday. Don't ask what he would like. Simple.
The boyfriend did ask what she wanted. He got her what she wanted 'something nice that they could do together' Op needed to be specific.
If I was in his shoes I probably wouldnt have got you that ticket but I certainly wouldn't have got a musical ' to do together ' It would be a waste of money for me and a day trip to hell. I would be telling you to go to musicals with your friends.

SmallAndFarAway · 30/03/2019 14:56

How does he react when you DON’T want to do something he does?
Does he ever consider your preferences?
Will he put himself out for you?
Is he better with straight talking than hints?

All these are good questions - they'll tell you if this is due to a lack of clear communication, or if he is only considering his own preferences. At this stage in your relationship, you really want to know if it is the latter, because he's very unlikely to change...

hazell42 · 30/03/2019 15:56

Just before our first valentines day my partner asked me what I'd like. I said 'you don't have to get me anything'. He took me at my word, and nothing is what I got every valentine's day, birthday, Christmas and anything else you can think of. Not so much as a bunch of flowers when our kids were born
Stamp this out now

CatoftheMilkyWay · 31/03/2019 23:01

Absolutely definitely he is being selfish. My DH got me tickets for a balloon ride for my birthday a few years back. I hate flying. Coincidentally, he was turning 40 that year and a balloon flight was on his list of things to do before 40. We didn’t get into a fight but I told him firmly that he had bought himself a gift, not me, and that he needed to get me something I would like. Nip it in the bud!

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