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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend got me a gift that HE wanted for MY birthday- AIBU?

169 replies

Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:09

Hi all,

I just wanted to get an idea of whether IABU or would you feel a bit put out also in this situation?
Basically my boyfriend of 3 years got me a birthday gift..... He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together' (now I know not to make that mistake again). He got me tickets to a concert of someone that he is very keen on and knows all his songs, has his albums etc etc (male acoustic solo type artist) Not my usual taste in music.

We have been to see this artist twice before (because he has been desperate to go and has paid for me to go with him)- fine! I've generally had a good time at these concerts because it's a night out, I'm with the person I love and I've known a few of the more popular tunes. Other than this I have no other interest and my boyfriend knows I'm not sitting there listening to him in my spare time.

He knows I love musicals and have been dying to see a couple for ages (which I have made well clear), so I suppose I was half hoping he would maybe surprise me with tickets to one of these or something that was a bit more 'me'. I almost feel a bit cheated out of a birthday present, knowing full well he would buy the tickets anyway had it not been around the time of my birthday (and I've already seen said artist twice already).

AIBU or is he being selfish? Should I bring this up with him or suck it up this time, and be more explicit in the future?

OP posts:
Elizabeth2019 · 28/03/2019 14:11

Explicitly telling him that you would like x or y for your birthday is often a lot easier, my DH finds me giving him a short list of options easier. He still goes off piste sometimes (both positive and negative) but knows he’s got a safe option too usually.

That being said, he’s surprised me with ballet tickets (he snores through it) and is looking for opera to try and watch. He even gets my fav artist tickets - I watch his illusionists and musicals for his treats too.

I’d be grumpy and clearer next time!

cordeliavorkosigan · 28/03/2019 14:11

It’s Homer’s bowling ball! That’s what I thought right away too. Make him watch that episode of the Simpsons.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2019 14:11

In fairness, I can see why he bought them.

He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together'

He's previously explicitly said that he wouldn't want to go and see a musical, and you've both had a good time seeing this artist before.

Next time, just tell him what you actually want, instead of expecting him to decipher vague messages/read your mind.

AllMYSmellySocks · 28/03/2019 14:12

karigan I'm sure op has enjoyed lunch with her in laws or watching a film on the sofa or a cheap take away pizza that doesn't make it a good birthday gift. You don't have to be psychic to know that while she might have a nice time going with him to his choice of venue for a birthday gift it should be something particular that she enjoys. Like PP I wouldn't get angry but I would pull him up on it.

MotherOfTheNoise · 28/03/2019 14:14

See, me and my husband do this, it's become a bit of a joke in our household! But, I can see why you were upset. Tell him what you've said here.

myrtleWilson · 28/03/2019 14:14

OP - he does sound like either he's not put much thought into it as he genuinely thinks he's won you round to his music tastes or he is an arse...

I hope you get it sorted

But thanks to earlier posters on this thread I'm going to spend the rest of the day with these earworms... "I'm just the fasting thing you'll ever see... that streak of lightening you just missed was me, don't stop now, we've got to keep it going all night" and "Starlight Express.... answer me yes" and then a roaring sing along of "There's a light at the end of the tunnel..."

RomanyQueen1 · 28/03/2019 14:14

I learned over the years to be precise. Ok no surprises but also no misunderstandings.
He probably thought he was doing right as you normally enjoy the concerts.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 28/03/2019 14:16

The thing is - while he may not have got the musical tickets for you to do together - he would have had a million choices of other things that aren’t just tickets to see his favourite singer - spa day, special meal, other concert, festival whatever- so on that basis it’s very selfish.

Karigan195 · 28/03/2019 14:23

@AllMYSmellySocks. Hardly on a par there with your examples. My partner introduced me to a band he liked. I have fun when I go with him to see them. I’d be thrilled to get tickets to another gig as a present. But nobody in their right mind would give dinner with the in-laws as a present.

Also if my partner was not earning large amounts and a cheap take away pizza was all he could manage I’d he bloody thrilled he made the effort.

His not and actually he gets me awesome presents ironically including tickets to the band he likes a year or so ago. So I think I’ll stand by by original comment.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/03/2019 14:24

I'd be a bit put out tbh. And I'd get him tickets for a musical of your choice for his birthday.

This ^ - okay, so he doesn't like musicals - he knows that YOU do!

It will stop him ever doing it again.

AllMYSmellySocks · 28/03/2019 14:37

@Karigan195

But OP said her partner knows this artist isn't her musical taste. It's not like he introduced her to the artist and they now both love him. It's very clearly more his taste than hers and it's obvious a gift should be more geared towards the receiver than the giver. A musical would be perfect - not something he would choose to do normally and something he knows OP would love.

Baconcob · 28/03/2019 14:43

I would do as a pp suggested and tell him you’re taking a friend.

Tell him how you feel. No one ever does on these threads.

Acis · 28/03/2019 14:48

I don't think he's selfish. With the best of motives, you led him to think you enjoyed the previous concerts, so when you asked for something you could do together it's not surprising that this seemed like a good idea. Cut him some slack and in future remember to spell out for him unequivocally what you'd like.

LumpyPillow · 28/03/2019 14:51

Just tell him, kindly but firmly. Its not a thoughtful gift. You had to give him an idea, then he thought of something youve already done, and the thing is his thing, not yours. Its sloppy and really quite sad. 3 years in, there's no excuse. It doesn't need to be anything wild or extravagant.

I would expect this maybe of a young child, but not a man. In fact many young children are great at knowing exactly how to be thoughtful and make a suprise about someone else and not them.
I wouldn't just live with it either, challenge it, the time is now! Otherwise youre in for a lot of future disappointment.

AngeloMysterioso · 28/03/2019 14:51

I had an ex who did this. For my birthday he took me to see his favourite DJ who I’d never even heard of. When I asked what made him go for that as a gift he said “Oh, I was gonna take you to see The Lion King in the West End (which I was desperate to see and still am!) but then I saw this was happening and thought it would be more fun.” Yeah- for him! I was bored shitless the whole time!

Dick.

user1473878824 · 28/03/2019 14:54

OP, I think you need to speak to him. Say that you're a bit disappointed as while you've had a nice time with him, you don't really want to go to a third gig of his favourite singer and perhaps he could take a mate and take you to the theatre instead.

Baconcob · 28/03/2019 14:59

It would be like me buying tickets for Take That for DH’s birthday. I love them. He vaguely likes them, he’s been once with me and enjoyed it, but that’s it. So why would I buy him tickets?

Orangecake123 · 28/03/2019 15:08

No OP you are not being unreasonable.

I wouldn't be happy with this either.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/03/2019 15:08

I'm on the fence. He was insensitive but you were a poor communicator and possibly a bit of a martyr.

You went to see that singer with him twice and said you enjoyed it? By now he probably thinks you like the singer nearly as much as he does. And if you know he doesn't like musicals then you should also realise that "something we can both go to together" does not mean
"something you dislike as much as I secretly dislike that singer".

Next time he asks, say "I'd love to go to a musical with you". That makes it clear.

Traveler001 · 28/03/2019 15:19

@thisnamechanger that would’ve been brilliant!

Rtmhwales · 28/03/2019 15:24

Not sure if it's been suggested but I had a partner who did exactly this. He gave me two tickets to some band he loved but I wasn't interested in.

In the end, I took my brother and not my partner. He didn't see that coming but I said something along the lines of "Oh, I'm sorry. They were a birthday gift. I thought I could invite someone along with my birthday present, and you know my poor brother has been going through a lot lately." He couldn't say anything.

That said, I knew by then he was selfish and the relationship was on the way out.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 28/03/2019 15:28

Think people are also missing that he would have bought them anyway That’s what makes it a truly shit gift

YolandaVerranda · 28/03/2019 15:35

It smacks of I am not going to spend money on you without benefiting in some way.

I would tell him that he has disappointed you. Is he even listening when you say you want to see a particular musical? He didn't have to go with you although shitty behaviour if he can't sit through 2-3 hours of something he doesn't like for the sake of someone he loves.

BottleOfJameson · 28/03/2019 15:38

From OP's description it was clear that while she was happy to accompany her bf to see his favourite artist he was under no illusion that this music was something she was interested in personally. If someone says they want "to do something together" for a birthday present I don't think it should need to be stated that it should be something they're really keen on.

I would never book my favourite restaurant for DH's birthday even though DH quite likes it, I'd book his favourite even if I didn't really like it that much.

Nomorepies · 28/03/2019 15:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.