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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend got me a gift that HE wanted for MY birthday- AIBU?

169 replies

Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:09

Hi all,

I just wanted to get an idea of whether IABU or would you feel a bit put out also in this situation?
Basically my boyfriend of 3 years got me a birthday gift..... He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together' (now I know not to make that mistake again). He got me tickets to a concert of someone that he is very keen on and knows all his songs, has his albums etc etc (male acoustic solo type artist) Not my usual taste in music.

We have been to see this artist twice before (because he has been desperate to go and has paid for me to go with him)- fine! I've generally had a good time at these concerts because it's a night out, I'm with the person I love and I've known a few of the more popular tunes. Other than this I have no other interest and my boyfriend knows I'm not sitting there listening to him in my spare time.

He knows I love musicals and have been dying to see a couple for ages (which I have made well clear), so I suppose I was half hoping he would maybe surprise me with tickets to one of these or something that was a bit more 'me'. I almost feel a bit cheated out of a birthday present, knowing full well he would buy the tickets anyway had it not been around the time of my birthday (and I've already seen said artist twice already).

AIBU or is he being selfish? Should I bring this up with him or suck it up this time, and be more explicit in the future?

OP posts:
Bringbackthestripes · 28/03/2019 13:43

I'm not sure if I have muddied the waters by going along with him to a concert and stating that I enjoyed my night at the end of it, because I did!

Probably. Some men can be a bit dense with regards to gifts. (Some are excellent and very thoughtful, I know) and need it spelling out to them EXACTLY what you want.

AIBU or is he being selfish? Should I bring this up with him or suck it up this time, and be more explicit in the future?

He was a bit selfish but possibly thought you would enjoy the night with him as you did previously BUT you should have told him what you actually wanted when he asked. He asked for a reason, clearly his reason is that he’s crap with presents Wink

Happy Birthday FlowersCake

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 28/03/2019 13:43

Very selfish birthday present. I agree with Fizzy you need pick him up on this very sharply or this will be the pattern for the rest of the relationship. Because you have been nice and easy going and selfless by going to his concerts he is taking that to mean he can take advantage - it happens all the time, people assume if you are easygoing they can take you for a mug - you have to make sure they don't make that mistake again. If he were as nice and unselfish as you Op, and he really loved you, he would have bought you tickets to a musical for your birtheay present and he would be willing to go with you this one time, wouldn't he?

diddl · 28/03/2019 13:43

*" I said ‘oh nothing’

He actually did get me nothing."*

Why say it if you didn't mean it then? I really can't see a problem with that.

Op, it does sound selfish of him.

Most people (I hope) when faced with "something to do together" would realise it should be tipped towards the recipient not the giver!

Although he thinks/knows that you "enjoyed" the concerts with him, it's rather dense to think that you'd want to go a third time-unless you absolutely raved about them!
At the very least he should have asked imo.

winbinin · 28/03/2019 13:45

I would tell him (very nicely) that as it’s your birthday treat you would really rather follow your passion and go to a musical that night. Suggest he sells the extra ticket to a friend and you put the money towards a show of your choice. He might be a bit pissed off or embarrassed but he probably won’t make the same mistake again.

Thisnamechanger · 28/03/2019 13:45

Did anyone else see the thread title and hope the gift was a bowling ball and that OP would start an affair with a handsome foreigner at the bowling ally Grin

That's a fairly obscure reference, I'll be impressed if anyone gets it.

QueenKubauOfKish · 28/03/2019 13:45

Oh my ex used to do this too. And then he would laugh and say that was what he'd done, in a "funny" self-deprecating way, and think THAT MADE IT OK!

It's selfish twattery.

FloweryDreams · 28/03/2019 13:46

He is a selfish knob
What Lemonsquinky said - Buy him tickets for a musical you would like to see for his birthday.

Karigan195 · 28/03/2019 13:47

So you’ve been before to one of these gigs and as far as he knows you enjoyed it????

Perhaps that is what he is thinking of. Men are no more psychic than women are.

Mememeplease · 28/03/2019 13:48

Don't accuse or be angry. Just point out how you feel. Ask him to take a friend to see them and then go to your musical with a friend. Or you do both.

I wouldn't go to something that I'd hate just because it's someones birthday but I'd pay for them to go with someone else. I think what confused matters was you've enjoyed going before and you said something nice for the two of you. I can see where the confusion lies. Just calmly point out that you are disappointed and really don't want to go for a third time for your birthday and can you sort something out so that you both get what you want.

outpinked · 28/03/2019 13:49

Agreed with PP’s, book two tickets for a musical and give them to him for his birthday.

RockinHippy · 28/03/2019 13:51

I have an ex, who is an ex for precisely this reason. It's a very dick move.
YANBU

B3ck89 · 28/03/2019 13:51

Wow I think I don’t think I would have been able to hide my disappointment
I remember Valentine’s Day last year I done my partner a sweetie box, wrapped the box all up lovely and filled it full of all his favourite chocolate and sweets, took me ages.
I got a mug from card factory 🤨
Men just don’t think, but what your partner has done is incredibly selfish and only thought of him self

BaronessBomburst · 28/03/2019 13:51

@Thisnamechanger
Not that obscure! Grin

ElBandito · 28/03/2019 13:52

thisnamechanger The Simpsons

Whatnotea · 28/03/2019 13:53

It's not getting away with it - it is making a point. Buy tickets for want you want to see on his birthday,

dreichuplands · 28/03/2019 13:53

My ds used to do this all the time, he still does occasionally but he is 10! I would darkly ponder taking a friend but would in reality suck it up this time and be very specific next time. (My dh bought me musical tickets and didn't dislike it much to his surprise)

Amongstthetallgrass · 28/03/2019 13:53

He is not a mind reader though and it IS something you can do together.

I wouldn’t start with the revenge tactics Confused

Piffle11 · 28/03/2019 13:55

Yeah that's not very thoughtful. Gift giving can be a minefield, though: 'something nice we can do together' is asking for trouble. I've found with some people you can drop hint after hint and they won't pick up on it - if you wanted something particular, you should say so. If he has explicitly said he doesn't like musicals then he was never going to buy you tickets, since you basically gave him free reign to choose the gift. I do think that picking his favourite artist is a piss take, though. I think you should tell him, nicely, that you are disappointed.

Halloumimuffin · 28/03/2019 13:56

I'm with some PPs that he probably thinks you also like this musician and this was a great idea for something you both like. If you've given the impression you really enjoyed the last times I could see why he would pick that over something he hates.

I'd raise it gently though, because otherwise it will happen again and again.

Lambbone · 28/03/2019 13:59

Thisnamechanger that is exactly what I thought!

LazyLizzy · 28/03/2019 13:59

He's a selfish knob. I would take a mate instead.

When it's his birthday get him tickets to a musical.

PepsiLola · 28/03/2019 14:00

Tell him you don't like X and cause it's your birthday you are going to sell the tickets and buy tickets for Y!?

singymummy · 28/03/2019 14:05

Did anyone else see the thread title and hope the gift was a bowling ball and that OP would start an affair with a handsome foreigner at the bowling ally

is this a simpsons reference Grin

spanishwife · 28/03/2019 14:05

Tell him you don't like X and cause it's your birthday you are going to sell the tickets and buy tickets for Y!?

Good idea - even if you don't go through with it it'll make him realise! Next time - be super clear on what you like and don't like!

KickAssAngel · 28/03/2019 14:09

So you go along to things he loves but aren’t interested in and he would never do the same? He’s selfish all the time then, why would he behave differently on your birthday?

This.