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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend got me a gift that HE wanted for MY birthday- AIBU?

169 replies

Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:09

Hi all,

I just wanted to get an idea of whether IABU or would you feel a bit put out also in this situation?
Basically my boyfriend of 3 years got me a birthday gift..... He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together' (now I know not to make that mistake again). He got me tickets to a concert of someone that he is very keen on and knows all his songs, has his albums etc etc (male acoustic solo type artist) Not my usual taste in music.

We have been to see this artist twice before (because he has been desperate to go and has paid for me to go with him)- fine! I've generally had a good time at these concerts because it's a night out, I'm with the person I love and I've known a few of the more popular tunes. Other than this I have no other interest and my boyfriend knows I'm not sitting there listening to him in my spare time.

He knows I love musicals and have been dying to see a couple for ages (which I have made well clear), so I suppose I was half hoping he would maybe surprise me with tickets to one of these or something that was a bit more 'me'. I almost feel a bit cheated out of a birthday present, knowing full well he would buy the tickets anyway had it not been around the time of my birthday (and I've already seen said artist twice already).

AIBU or is he being selfish? Should I bring this up with him or suck it up this time, and be more explicit in the future?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 28/03/2019 13:11

TOTALLY bloody selfish.

I would laugh in his face and say 'Err no it's a present for my birthday, remember? Do you want me to swap these for the Starlight Express tickets you know I'd like , or do you want to do it?'

Seriously - sort this one, or you have years of this low-level selfishness coming your way!!!

Shodan · 28/03/2019 13:12

I'd be a bit put out tbh. And I'd get him tickets for a musical of your choice for his birthday.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2019 13:13

Tell him to go with a friend and ask for tickets to the musical.

AllMYSmellySocks · 28/03/2019 13:14

YANBU. Sounds like he knew you only went to the concerts because it's his favourite performer and he could have chosen something he knew you'd like. I'd probably not get in a fight about it but let him know I was a bit disappointed he chose something 9n his taste rather than yours.

CabbageHippy · 28/03/2019 13:15

why didn't you reply with tickets to see Starlight Express when he asked what you wanted for your birthday?

Or just buy him tickets for Starlight Express for his birthday ? Problem solved

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 28/03/2019 13:15

It’s a dick move to buy somebody a present that is essentially for yourself. He was BU.

You need to speak to him about it and next time be clear when he asks, “Oh, I would love to see a musical together - either of these two would be fine if you want to surprise me” sort of thing. Vagueness leaves the door open for shitty presents which is fine if your not that bothered but can be upsetting if you have an expectation of something more thoughtful.

Amongstthetallgrass · 28/03/2019 13:16

This reminds me when asked my DH what I wanted for Xmas - I said ‘oh nothing’

He actually did get me nothing.

Now he gets a list to choose from

You’ve learned a lesson!

Passthecake30 · 28/03/2019 13:17

When's his birthday? I'd be getting the tickets I actually wanted for sure.

Shoxfordian · 28/03/2019 13:19

He sounds like a knob
Take a friend instead of him

Original poster
Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:19

The only thing with buying tickets to a musical for him is that he has explicitly stated he doesn't like musicals, has no interest in them and wouldn't want to go and see one..... I'm not sure if I have muddied the waters by going along with him to a concert and stating that I enjoyed my night at the end of it, because I did! Throw in a few glasses of wine, a good crowd and a bit of music it's never going to NOT be enjoyable. That doesn't mean I'm suddenly a huge fan/would pay to see him myself/ would want this as a birthday gift!

OP posts:
Ticklingcheese · 28/03/2019 13:19

Happy birthday 🎉

Perhaps he has been told to give what you would appreciate yourself.

No need to fall out over this one, now you know he will need a list, and as pps have suggested buy him something for you, his next birthday, just this one time 😀.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/03/2019 13:22

he has explicitly stated he doesn't like musicals, has no interest in them and wouldn't want to go and see one

No, what he means is that he will be happy to escort you to the musical of your choice for YOUR birthday and earn extra brownie points for going to something which doesn't interest him in order to make you happy ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

:)

TeaForTheWin · 28/03/2019 13:23

Considering he's already seen this person live before...I think that's what tips it over the edge into selfish.

I probably would say something like 'not to sound ungrateful but I'm not a fan of this singer and yet I've gone with you to see him twice already, it would have been nice if for my birthday you had considered who I might want to see this time. Is there any way these tickets can be exchanged for that musical I've mentioned i'd like to see? If not, take a friend to see him this time and you still owe me a present' stick tongue out xD

FizzyGreenWater · 28/03/2019 13:24

Other option is he pays for you and your friend to go to your musical :)

The operative words here are YOU, YOUR BIRTHDAY.

Not actually anything to do with him and what his choice would be is not registering on this radar :)

Make that crystal clear!

FizzyGreenWater · 28/03/2019 13:26

Three years in is quite a danger moment.

When they begin to totally relax and you see the completely unwitting taking for granted, the absolute automatic entitlement of coming first, of not even considering your preferences to be even equal, let alone come first...

I would really, REALLY pull him up on this and point out how absolutely entitled it is, how completely he has disregarded you here.

Original poster
Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:26

@Fizzy I appreciate this- but I don't think I could not get away with buying him tickets to a musical for HIS birthday as others have suggested....Wink

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 28/03/2019 13:29

Either take a friend with you to the concert or tell him that you will be buying tickets to a musical of your choice for his birthday.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/03/2019 13:32

My Ex used to do this all the time. One of the many reasons he is an Ex...

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/03/2019 13:33

Yes, say thanks for the tickets, my friend xx would love to see them with me! Then watch his selfish face drop Grin

Traveler001 · 28/03/2019 13:34

So you go along to things he loves but aren’t interested in and he would never do the same? He’s selfish all the time then, why would he behave differently on your birthday? YANBU, your boyfriend is a knob.

Traveler001 · 28/03/2019 13:34

Oh, yes! Please do what ZigZag has said and let us know what he says!

AChickenCalledKorma · 28/03/2019 13:34

I can understand his thinking, to be honest. You asked for something nice you can do together. You've enjoyed the concerts that you've been to in the past. But he knows that he would absolutely not enjoy a musical. So in his mind, he's chosen something you can genuinely enjoy together, with both of you enjoying it.

Next time, ask for something you can enjoy with someone else that also enjoys musicals!

Lemonsquinky · 28/03/2019 13:35

Buy him tickets for a musical you would like to see for his birthday. It's the only way he'll learn.
What a selfish arse.
Happy birthday!💐

MadameDD · 28/03/2019 13:36

agreed with what FizzyGreenWater says - he should come with you to a musical of your choice and suck it up for your birthday even though he's not interested as it's your birthday! I also think it's a danger moment after 3 years as he's disgregarding what you'd like but is happy for you to come to artist/s he likes - and on this occasion for your birthday too!

I recall I got a gift from a high earning SO a few years ago of a Body Shop gift set for Christmas - the exact same one he got his ex-SO and mother of his teenage son. I think he thought that as we'd stayed at hotels a few times that year (he worked for a well known booking site so got a discount) that he'd already spent a lot on me,

I recall lying about my gift to my DM and a very close friend as they'd expected he'd at least get me e.g. a really nice spa day. He tried to make it better by promising me a penguin gift day out to a special zoo etc but then made some strange/funny tale up about a penguin and ended up posting me a penguin USB stick. I realised after that that we just weren't on the same page with 'gifts' etc.

lunabody · 28/03/2019 13:41

I'm with @AChickenCalledKorma - he quite possibly doesn't realise what he's done is selfish, because you were really vague.

My DH is terrible with gifts - he knows me really well, but when it comes to presents it's like his brain stops working. Be explicit next time. I miss getting surprises, but knowing what you're getting is better than something you don't want!

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