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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend got me a gift that HE wanted for MY birthday- AIBU?

169 replies

Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:09

Hi all,

I just wanted to get an idea of whether IABU or would you feel a bit put out also in this situation?
Basically my boyfriend of 3 years got me a birthday gift..... He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together' (now I know not to make that mistake again). He got me tickets to a concert of someone that he is very keen on and knows all his songs, has his albums etc etc (male acoustic solo type artist) Not my usual taste in music.

We have been to see this artist twice before (because he has been desperate to go and has paid for me to go with him)- fine! I've generally had a good time at these concerts because it's a night out, I'm with the person I love and I've known a few of the more popular tunes. Other than this I have no other interest and my boyfriend knows I'm not sitting there listening to him in my spare time.

He knows I love musicals and have been dying to see a couple for ages (which I have made well clear), so I suppose I was half hoping he would maybe surprise me with tickets to one of these or something that was a bit more 'me'. I almost feel a bit cheated out of a birthday present, knowing full well he would buy the tickets anyway had it not been around the time of my birthday (and I've already seen said artist twice already).

AIBU or is he being selfish? Should I bring this up with him or suck it up this time, and be more explicit in the future?

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/03/2019 16:52

I think the lesson here is, in future, to complain all the way to any concert he likes, even if you did like it too.
Make it out to be a huge sacrifice you're doing for him.

OTOH, I also liked the suggestion of taking someone else with you instead. Do it.

EarlyWarning · 28/03/2019 16:54

I'd be gracious and go along with it. But I'd be very clear that it's not exactly what you had in mind as a birthday present and next time there's a gift occasion could there be more of a discussion before a gift is bought.

Kennehora · 28/03/2019 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 28/03/2019 16:55

Thisnamechanger my first thought was "Is it a bowling ball?" Grin

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/03/2019 16:58

My X did this for my 30th, bus trip to see West Side Story with no time to have an evening meal. I fell asleep despite a very uncomfortable chair. I woke up with a start when there was a gunshot, he thought I was engrossed by the story. As we waited for the bus home (by now absolutely starving) I decided we'd never be happy because he just didn't care about making me happy.

handslikecowstits · 28/03/2019 16:59

You could give him really bad paper cuts with the tickets Wink

frazzledasarock · 28/03/2019 17:01

eBay the tickets. Buy yourself a present you’d like.

For his birthday get him tickets or a musical

Baconcob · 28/03/2019 17:04

The obvious solution is to take someone else with you.

HarrysOwl · 28/03/2019 17:05

What a joke. I'd be furious

How dare he not be able to read her mind. How dare he book something they've enjoyed together before.

Hmm
Anniegetyourgun · 28/03/2019 17:09

A colleague once passed on to me a bottle of Southern Comfort, an unwanted gift. I don't drink it either, so I gave it to XH (who made himself slightly sick drinking most of the bottle in two days). On my next birthday XH gave me - a bottle of Southern Comfort! I pointed out that he was the one who drinks the stuff. He blinked at me, somewhat confused, but he did take it on board. Next time he picked me up after work he drove me to the local wine merchant, pressed £10 into my hand (oh riches! He'd earned it all himself too, bless) and told me to get something I wanted.

When I came out of the shop with about the most decent bottle of red wine you can get for a tenner, he said (you've guessed it), "But I don't like that!" You don't have to like it, I said, it's for MY birthday. He did the confused owl impression again.

So many reasons why he's ex.

Kennehora · 28/03/2019 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cstaff · 28/03/2019 17:19

Bring a friend and leave him at home like a pp suggested and see how he feels then. He might not be so quick to do this again.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/03/2019 17:19

So you go along to things he loves but aren’t interested in and he would never do the same? He’s selfish all the time then, why would he behave differently on your birthday?
But OP enjoys them well enough,he wouldn't enjoy it at all. It's totally different. Igo to gigs with DH of his favourite artists cos you know, it's a nice night out, music is OK if not explicitly my taste, there wine. He hates theatre so wouldn't enjoy it at all.

Which is why for my birthday he bought me a gift voucher for the theatre to go to a ballet by myself!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/03/2019 17:21

The problem is op yo u wanted to do something together, so that wasn't going to be theatre. Yes he's an idiot/dick for getting you the tickets he'd have brought himself. If you can, I'd say something. Tell him you understand his logic in a way ut it isn't actually a present for you as they're HIS band and he'd have bought them anyway.

Taswama · 28/03/2019 17:28

This reminds me of the thread where the woman wants to go to a restaurant of her choice. I think women are socialised to compromise, think of others etc, men somehow less so.

HarrysOwl · 28/03/2019 17:33

perhaps not a very thoughtful or kind gift

Definitely. But being a bit thoughtless (or maybe misguided) doesn't warrant the hate some posters are projecting onto the OPs partner.

Keeping it in context, I'd laugh and buy myself some tickets to a show I wanted to see. And be clear with 'I'd like X' next time.

Now, the PP whose DH bought them golf lessons they knew they'd hate - now that's a whole needed thread! Grin

Kennehora · 28/03/2019 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kennehora · 28/03/2019 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvaHarknessRose · 28/03/2019 17:46

Let him mull it over. If he doesn’t come back with an apology then he is clearly not even trying to see it from your point of view. In which case you will have to be more blunt with him, if you wish to even bother to pursue this relationship. Good questions
How does he react when you DON’T want to do something he does?
Does he ever consider your preferences?
Will he put himself out for you?
Is he better with straight talking than hints?

Purpletigers · 28/03/2019 17:49

He’s not a mind reader . Tell him what you want next time

HarrysOwl · 28/03/2019 17:52

He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together

He bought tickets to something they had enjoyed doing together before.

Was it the best, most thoughtful gift in the world? No.

Was he being totally selfish and shit? No, not in my opinion.

Is OP being unreasonable to be disappointed? No. She was hoping for theatre tickets. But she hadn't voiced this.

If OP had said to him that she wanted theatre tickets and he bought tickets to his fave band, I'd have a very different opinion. It's about seeing it in context.

This seems like an example of something that life is full of; no one is right or wrong 100 percent.

XiCi · 28/03/2019 17:54

Why don't you just be honest with him? Why didn't you tell him that you don't particularly like this artist when he mistakenly said you did. Surely at that point you would have said no, I don't really like him, I just went along because I know you do so I'd rather do something else for my birthday. Constantly amazes me that people are married and can't have a simple conversation about things

morallowground · 28/03/2019 17:56

I’m not sure he is being unreasonable to be honest if you’ve been with him to see this artist twice before he probably thinks that you like them?
And then you said get something we can do together, he probably thought that he was on to a winner buying tickets for an artist you both like (because I presume he has no reason to think you don’t like this artist if you’ve seen them twice)

To be honest if I wanted to go to a musical I would say surprise me with a musical and he can pick the show or if you know what you wanted ask him. Some people are rubbish with gifts. I told my boyfriend a while back I loved a picture he’s taken of us then dropped hints for a bracelet for weeks so imagine my surprise when I opened a ginormous canvas print of both of us together he got me for my wall. Mortified it was the size of my TV and he was really proud he’d got me something I liked Blush everyone did a double take for weeks when they came to see me and he was so proud I felt awful taking it down.
These days I’m a bit more specific, I’ll say ‘a city break’ silver jewellery etc works out a bit better.

If you want to go to a musical get tickets anyway and tell him you’ve been to stuff for him he needs to do it for you. If he won’t then you know where you stand. If he will then I’d just put it down to him being really crap at gift buying.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/03/2019 18:00

Talk to him frankly but kindly... its all part of the training!
Hopefully he will see your point of view.

ZenNudist · 28/03/2019 18:03

I'd push the point and ask him what hes going to do for you? It doesn't have to be mega but an actual treat for you wpukd be considerate.

Also taking the piss... that would be my solution