Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend got me a gift that HE wanted for MY birthday- AIBU?

169 replies

Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 13:09

Hi all,

I just wanted to get an idea of whether IABU or would you feel a bit put out also in this situation?
Basically my boyfriend of 3 years got me a birthday gift..... He asked me what I wanted and all I said was 'something nice that we can do together' (now I know not to make that mistake again). He got me tickets to a concert of someone that he is very keen on and knows all his songs, has his albums etc etc (male acoustic solo type artist) Not my usual taste in music.

We have been to see this artist twice before (because he has been desperate to go and has paid for me to go with him)- fine! I've generally had a good time at these concerts because it's a night out, I'm with the person I love and I've known a few of the more popular tunes. Other than this I have no other interest and my boyfriend knows I'm not sitting there listening to him in my spare time.

He knows I love musicals and have been dying to see a couple for ages (which I have made well clear), so I suppose I was half hoping he would maybe surprise me with tickets to one of these or something that was a bit more 'me'. I almost feel a bit cheated out of a birthday present, knowing full well he would buy the tickets anyway had it not been around the time of my birthday (and I've already seen said artist twice already).

AIBU or is he being selfish? Should I bring this up with him or suck it up this time, and be more explicit in the future?

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 28/03/2019 15:45

@Nomorepies

WTAF? He sold your gift? I'd be absolutely fuming. I'd take the money off him and make him pay the extra to buy you a new one.

Jaxhog · 28/03/2019 15:47

YANBU. I once got the Readers Digest DIY manual for my birthday. I was not pleased.

Pinkbells · 28/03/2019 15:55

Buy him theatre tickets to your favourite show when it's his birthday! Wink

Nomorepies · 28/03/2019 15:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Kennehora · 28/03/2019 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BottleOfJameson · 28/03/2019 16:02

@Nomorepies

That would drive me mad. Unless you're actually impoverished a birthday present is meant to be a luxury (in the eyes of the reciever) not something you need.

pallisers · 28/03/2019 16:05

In the end, I took my brother and not my partner. He didn't see that coming but I said something along the lines of "Oh, I'm sorry. They were a birthday gift. I thought I could invite someone along with my birthday present, and you know my poor brother has been going through a lot lately." He couldn't say anything.

Do this OP. Ask a friend to go with you and leave him at home.

Nomorepies · 28/03/2019 16:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

HarrysOwl · 28/03/2019 16:10

*This reminds me when asked my DH what I wanted for Xmas - I said ‘oh nothing’

He actually did get me nothing.*

What did you expect?! He can't read your mind, totally unfair to expect someone to magically know that you didn't mean what you said.

OP I think you're being a bit of a martyr. You didn't specify you wanted to see a musical, he picked something you've both enjoyed before. I understand why you're disappointed, but I'd laugh it off and still have a good time.

...and then I'd buy tickets to what I wanted to see as a present to myself.

Lweji · 28/03/2019 16:16

but I don't think I could not get away with buying him tickets to a musical for HIS birthday as others have suggested

I think you mean you don't think you could get away with...

But I think you should buy him tickets to the cheesiest musical around for his birthday, then Christmas. And still ask for another musical for your birthday.
He deserves it.

Original poster
Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 16:21

So, I just brought it up with him and mentioned how that this seems more like a gift for him than for me. His response was 'but you like him too'. TOO! But not as much (anywhere near as much!) as he does.
Maybe he just can't fathom why anyone would go to something they weren't especially keen on just to make their partner happy or for the sake of spending an evening together doing something a bit different that would make them happy!
The more I think about it the more annoyed I'm getting! I would never even consider buying him tickets for his birthday to something that I knew he might vaguely enjoy (but I loved!) This is why I've ended up at the sidelines of a freezing cold NFL game in the past not knowing what the hell was going on!
I can't work out if he is genuinely oblivious or if he knows the deal and doesn't want to admit he's been a selfish arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonfornow1 · 28/03/2019 16:28

Maybe I am being a martyr- I don't know. I just can't ever imagine vice versa doing it to him. I wouldn't ever consider getting him tickets for his birthday for my first choice event even if he did vaguely enjoy it the (2!) times we had been before. I would choose something I knew would be HIS first choice.

OP posts:
JoinTheDots · 28/03/2019 16:31

If you have been to a couple of gigs with him in the past, and seemed to enjoy it, he might honestly think you would like to go again. I am sure he knows that he loves this artist more than you do, but that does not mean he would assume you would not like the tickets.

I'd just learn from it - make it clear as crystal in the future what you want, because he might not be as thoughtful as you hope.

HarrysOwl · 28/03/2019 16:36

I just can't ever imagine vice versa doing it to him

If you're going to continually hold him to meet your idea of exacting standards you're likely to not have a very happy relationship, and trust me, you'll find LOTS to be unhappy about. I'd see it in perspective rather than get increasingly annoyed at him.

If it were me I would think the best of him and take him at his word, that he thought it was a nice gift. Maybe not the most thoughtful - but we're all guilty of that from time to time. But I wouldn't be reading any
more into it.

Just learn from this that you need to be clear in the future about what you do want as a gift.

HarrysOwl · 28/03/2019 16:37

And happy birthday! Cake

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2019 16:39

" I almost feel a bit cheated out of a birthday present, knowing full well he would buy the tickets anyway had it not been around the time of my birthday (and I've already seen said artist twice already)."

There's no 'almost' about it - you have been cheated out of a birthday present. I would raise this with him making exactly that point.

"Let's discuss my birthday present. We both know you'd have got tickets to this concert anyway, and it's just a coincidence that it's on around the time of my birthday. And we both also know that you're the fan of this artist not me. So please explain to me how these tickets are MY birthday present. Because it's really not feeling that way to me at all."

Now, he'll either bluster that you said you've enjoyed the past concerts, or he'll be embarrassed that he's got you something you don't really want. If he's embarrassed, all well and good. If he blusters, I'd just keep pressing home that he has not bought you a present, he has bought himself a present; and that you find this level of self-centredness he's displaying has made you lose respect for him. You can't see him now in the same light that you once did.

And it would indeed colour my feelings towards him. It's demonstrated a quality (self-centredness) that I find deeply unattractive. I'm wondering if, looking back, you can recall similar incidents with him? I think other MNers posting here are right to point out that at the 3-year mark in your relationship, he's taking you for granted. That's not something you should allow to happen, unless you're particularly keen to be treated like a doormat.

Lllot5 · 28/03/2019 16:40

I thought at first he was just being thoughtless and didn’t realise you don’t like the singer as much as he does. But when you said he won’t go any where you like because he doesn’t like musicals eg makes him seem selfish. Stick up for yourself don’t go with him anywhere you don’t want to see what happens.

BlueJava · 28/03/2019 16:43

To me it sounds like he think you like the artist more than you do - perhaps you've gone along to be with him and he's taken it as you liking the artist! Tell him you'd love him to go to a musical with you and in future tell him exactly what you want! My OH often asks me, I like quite specific things so I will often specify to see X show at Y place and even the seats!! :)

ememem84 · 28/03/2019 16:44

Haven’t read the full thread but dh did this to me a while back. Golf lessons with the pro at local golf club. I detest golf. Dh plays.

He knows I’d rather saw my arm off with a butter knife or gauge my eyes out with a spoon than learn how to play golf.

But. I used them. Every single one. I think he thought I’d sit on them until almost at expiry and then let him use them.

Nope. I had 12 golf lessons. Hate the bloody game. Didn’t enjoy it one bit. Am no good. The poor guy teaching me....

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/03/2019 16:45

I also think he thinks you like the artist more than you do as well. It does sound like you do like them, just not love them so I can see why he thought it was something nice you two could do together.

If I were you, I'd explain to him how you feel and see what he suggests from there.

ittakes2 · 28/03/2019 16:46

Sorry going Against thé grain - he Asked you - you did not tell him the truth and he choose something you seemed to enjoy in the past. Just tell him

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2019 16:46

Ah, right, cross-posted with you OP, and he has indeed blustered. Time to press home that he has NOT bought you a present. I'd be suggesting to him that he takes a mate to this concert and goes and buys you something for YOU for your birthday. Along with the points about respect etc.

"Maybe he just can't fathom why anyone would go to something they weren't especially keen on just to make their partner happy or for the sake of spending an evening together doing something a bit different that would make them happy! "
Then I think you need to be very explicit on this point. Tell him that that is exactly how you approached these concerts in the past. Do not soften the blow! He needs to know this, or he'll saunter onwards thinking anything he likes is good enough for you too, and your preferences will never be considered. This is not how good relationships work. They need give and take, and so far he thinks that means you give and he takes.

HarrysOwl · 28/03/2019 16:48

when you said he won’t go any where you like because he doesn’t like musicals eg makes him seem selfish

Why? My DH loves car shows but they bore me to death. He goes with friends. I love plays but they bore him to death. I go by myself or with friends.

It's not selfish to not wish to participate in something you don't enjoy. That's part of being an individual within your relationship.

They had enjoyed shows before together so OP's partner had no reason to think it was a selfish present. He was, admittedly, a bit thoughtless but none of us are perfect and it's hardly a LTB or hanging offence.

flitwit99 · 28/03/2019 16:49

DH once bought me a weather station for the garden for my birthday. This was very clearly a gift he wanted. I bought him a really nice handbag for his birthday a month later.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 28/03/2019 16:50

Agree with those who have said you should have been more specific. Tho I'd be worried how little he knows you. Sort of that's harsh