I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

Yeah, if they came to me with a good reason why they shouldn't have to make their bed in the morning, I'd be up for a discussion, and potential renegotiation.

I'm stunned neither of them have found that study that says it's more hygienic to leave the spreads down so they can air, lol. I guess it doesn't matter that much to them, which is a good thing.

TBH, stepkids or no, if I had two young adults, which is what I think of a 16 and 18 year old more as, who didn't seem to want to, let alone know how to, rub along together as part of a unit, in terms of helping out, doing things the way of the household, or being particularly personable in terms of behaviour, coming regularly, I think I'd be starting to get a bit intemperate and immoderate in terms of how I thought and spoke of them.

Particularly if I felt I had no say, no power, and just had to bite my tongue and suck it up buttercup.

I think oblomov has hit the nail on the head - these young people have not been well parented - if parented at all. And I think that's very sad for them, and to be laid at the door of the biological parents who are the ones who have both the rights and the responsibilities in raising their offspring.

OP, I was rude to my stepmother as a child because frankly, she was a dickhead. I was a saintly straight As child who never got into trouble and yet she would never miss an opportunity to pick at me, nag me and bully me. She will say to this day that I was an awful teen, I bloody wasn't, she just never lived in the real world where actual bad kids were and saw me prioritising my homework over hoovering or not wanting to wash the windows without any gloves in sub zero temperatures as being 'bone idle lazy' - and would have discussions with my father about 'what to do about me'. My brother had enough and moved out and has never spoken to her again. My relationship with her improved as soon as I moved out and she began to see me as an actual human being and not the child she never wanted.

So if I could give any advice, it would be to try and find the good points in these kids, engage with them as actual human beings and not just a list of undone chores.

Well that seems fair, Halloumimuffin. She sounds a bit of a dickhead.

I admire your honesty OP - I had a SD like this at the age of 23.

So entitled and although my partner gave some guidance about how to become an adult she was still the most self centred person I ever met.

I hated her.

Reading the first half of 'stress to stillness' by gina lake really helped.

some posters have really low standards with their kids

I hate that "pick your battles" nonsense. It's just being lazy.

It's not lazy at all.

Frankly, I'd prefer to choose my battles with my dcs, giving them some scope to make their own decisions, than nag them incessantly in an attempt to control every little aspect of everything they do all day. Different parenting styles, I suppose.

Shrugs. I never made my bed in the morning as a child. I still don't. I only make it when I change the sheets. You just get back into it, anyway. And if no one goes into your bedroom, no one would see. So what's the point?

I also think you come across as very cruel and cold. Even if you don't remember what it was like to be a teenager - and it's a wonder any of us survived that time - the thing is that the 2 teens don't seem to have anyone that loves them. Their mother doesn't seem to give a shit and is more interested in her boyfriend. Their father, well, we don't know what he is like with them. But you seem to not care at all. Did it ever occur to you that they are both hurting? Maybe they know they have no home at their mothers, as she doesn't seem to want them, and the woman who married their father doesn't want them.

I wonder if you've ever said to them when you've overheard them say about how their mother's home is their home, "this is your home too"?

Just a thought, but maybe if you and your husband told them that your house is also their home, they might start thinking of it as their home, and maybe they might care more about their/your house and might be more house-proud about their rooms, and the house? If they were allowed to consider the house their home, that would make them feel welcome and like they belonged, and give them incentive to care for the house?

“Maybe they know they have no home at their mothers, as she doesn't seem to want them, and the woman who married their father doesn't want them.”

The only comment the op has made relating to the care given by the mother is that she is sometimes not home when the stepkids return home from their dads as she has been out with her boyfriend. I think it’s a bit overdoing it to extrapolate out that they have no home at their mothers!

Have you had children yourself? 16 and 18 are the most awkward ages .. they aren't fully adult, but they are big and they loom, and sometimes they react like little children, and they giggle at stupid stuff, and they eat like horses, and they fight like Kilkenny cats and then love each other again.

This is the age where all the love and work you have poured into them starts to come back and show you the person they will become. My kids drove me mad and made my heart swell with pride in equal amounts around this age.

Can you imagine what it must be like for them to enter the hostile environment of your home for 10 days of every month?
Making a bed means something to you, not them. As long as it's in a room where the door can be closed, what does it matter to you?
If the boy wants a fry up and you are doing healthy food, then let him cook it himself. There doesn't need to be confrontation.

It seems you feel they invade your house EOW, and you resent it.
You don't sound like a very nice person.

@Cloverfields the op said:

"Mum is pretty disengaged with them too. She’s got a boyfriend she much prefers spending time with and is rarely home when they get dropped back! Oh yes drop off and pick up still happens too. I don’t blame her one bit."

It sounds a bit more than she just isn't there are drop off to me tbh

OP I think you should be able to vent, I wonder what the responses would have been if you said they were your DC. I have DD(15) and sometimes she drives me crazy - tbf this is very occasionally but it still sometimes requires me to go into the bathroom to take a couple of deep breaths to calm down. I'm not surprised you've stepped away as you are unable to discipline them. I also don't agree With PP that they need you to parent them - they have two parents, it's up to them to step up.

My DD knows she is expected to clean after herself, make her bed and say thank you for her dinner (she even chooses to help me cook). This is just as I was - I have a great relationship with my DM.

To be honest when I read some stuff on here, I wonder if I am a particularly strict parent. I wouldn't put up with half of the stuff listed in this thread (for example swearing at a parent).

I also left home at 18 and supported myself - although I think this rare now and many 18 years old are treated as children for much longer than they used to be - one of my staff members is 19 and his mother still leaves the house (not on her way) to pick him from work as he 'must be tired' - she actually said this to me whilst I stood there not knowing how to respond! He lives a 20 min walk from the office, with excellent public transport links.

Picking your battles isnt lazy.

It's a life lesson. One than teens to learn.

I also left home at 18 and supported myself - although I think this rare now and many 18 years old are treated as children for much longer than they used to be - one of my staff members is 19 and his mother still leaves the house (not on her way) to pick him from work as he 'must be tired' - she actually said this to me whilst I stood there not knowing how to respond! He lives a 20 min walk from the office, with excellent public transport links.

And I got my first mortgage at 19. What one person does or did, doesnt dictate to a whole generation.

We have many late teens and people in early twenties working in my place of business. We have never had a mother in talking to managers. Nor do we judge how they get to work. That's not really your business.

And again, that doesnt show that all parents of teenagers parent in this way now.

My mum would have done that for my brother and he is 41 now. In fact she probably would still do it, if he left her. So it's not a new thing or something parents do now. Its always happened, on occasion.

I wouldn't put up with half of the stuff listed in this thread (for example swearing at a parent).

My parents didn't put up with stuff like this either...but what they did do is to follow up a telling off with a chat. They would ask if I was ok, why I was so angry or upset. It really helped. I mean, in the long run it's just words. I wouldn't 'put up' with it either but I'd try to understand.
I also left home at 18 and looked after myself. Didn't mean I didn't need to go home for a few days every so often and enjoy spending time with my family and sometimes just be looked after a bit.

*Picking your battles isnt lazy.

It's a life lesson. One than teens to learn.*

Yes, it's one my teens have learned. That's why they make their beds (Okay, pull back the duvet and it's a sodding shambles, but hey, I'm happy to let them think they've got one over on me if they pretend to do what I want, lol).

So you dont teach by example. Fair enough.

Thanks everyone, a fair mix of response but a lot of support which I wasn’t expecting tbf.

I’m not perfect, who is? I am just struggling to cope with them right now. I’ve got work stress going on too which doesn’t help. So thanks everyone.

I've found that most people do a hell of a lot more 'do as I say, not as I do' if they're totally honest about it.

On the other hand, when I find that actually they've made their bed really well, and taken a real pride in how they've done their room, that's when I make a thing about it, appreciating the real effort.

I don't think young people are done any favours by being taught that all the effort and compromises needs to be made by other people, be they family or not. They do eventually have to learn have to make effort and compromise themselves. And it doesn't seem to me that in the pecking order of things that step parents are really in the position to give these lessons. They're just expected to always be the ones making the effort and the compromise.

Must be terribly bad for the liver.

Suck it up because they are his kids so will always be around. I think it's also important to remember they will grow up and likely be decent adults. However if you disengage and continue to treat them like visitors they may not even want a relationship with you then. Which will be ashame for your husband when grandkids etc come along, who will be more important to him than you.

@shesabelter thanks I’ve never heard that one before. Suck it up babe his kids will always be more important than you? Unique i don’t think so and you know my family do you?

When I was 18 I met my dad for lunch and a drink or we planned a meal etc. Can't say I would have been happy going to his house for visitation do they know they don't have to come over set days? It must get in the way of their social lives etc.

Fabulous username, shesabelter.

OP, is there any chance you can have a damned good talk with your OH about what is driving you nuts, and then you can both talk with his offspring about what is driving them nuts and you nuts, and can negotiate some ground rules?

(I say offspring, because at 16 and 18, I'm guessing they'd be mortally offended to be thought of as 'children'. So perhaps if it is put to them that they are NOT 'children', and that you guys are negotiating some ground rules that you are all agreeing to abide by - including themselves - it might become more sustainable?)

And sympathies on the work stress as well as the home stress.

I wouldn’t be with someone whose children weren’t more important than me.

I'd prefer to choose my battles with my dcs, giving them some scope to make their own decisions, than nag them incessantly in an attempt to control every little aspect of everything they do all day. Different parenting styles, I suppose.

I don't call that picking my battles at all.
I don't control every little aspect of their lives, we have chosen to trust them and give them independence on some parts of them. It's a choice. There are things like not treating the house like a hotel, keeping a bedroom in acceptable standard under my roof for which I will fight.

Picking up your battles mean giving up on something. That's what I call lazy.

I was a “guardian” of my landlords children (weird set up I know) as they lived upstairs in the same house. Same ages and genders op.

I really tried and they were brats.. it was difficult to be treated with lack of appreciation. But I didn’t take it to heart. I really tried to be there for them and give them the love needed for that age as it wasn’t part of the agreement with their parents.

Anyway until they became adults and then I just realised they will always treat me like dirt and I allowed myself to hate them now. Ok hate is a strong word but I removed all love from my heart and don’t care for them.

So therefore, give them a chance till they become adults. Watch a documentary about teenage brains.. I really would give them a chance until they’re in twenties. Then I’ll stop trying

But with me it was slightly different, they ordered me around like a slave and lied to their parents to scapegoat me.. rude to my face..

I let it all pass because of their ages.. still don’t carry a grudge..

What I do carry a grudge is what they did as adults when they matured slightly more and became less dependent.

Also it all depends on how the parents treat u. Are u appreciated by their mum and dad ? Are u also treated like u don’t matter ?