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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my step kids

336 replies

Whatyoudoingoverthere · 25/03/2019 18:38

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 26/03/2019 21:14

The thing is OP when you take on a man with kids, you have to actually love the kids too, think of them as your own.

Not necessarily. This is a massive pressure that gets put on stepmums, and I'm not sure how realistic it is.

LifeIsToughMate · 26/03/2019 21:16

I also experienced being a step daughter to a woman that went out of her way to make me “know” that this was “her” home and I wasn’t part of the household. And I hate her for life. Make sure you’re not that woman.

My dads home is forever somewhere I consider to be a family home...

Yes I appreciate her efforts around the house and out of respect will not create work for her and him, this comes with maturity, but has nothing to do with whose house it is.

Sorry OP, this is as much their home as it is their dads and they’re entitled to be welcomed in their dads home and not be feeling like guests.

Your issue is behavior not their presence and mixing the two will make you sound evil

user1473878824 · 26/03/2019 21:29

@LifeIsToughMate I’m pretty sure OP already is that woman.

Whatyoudoingoverthere · 26/03/2019 21:36

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LifeIsToughMate · 26/03/2019 21:39

Huh ?!

Original poster
Whatyoudoingoverthere · 26/03/2019 21:39

When you take on a man with kids you neither HAVE to love them or treat them as your own. I have never spoken to a step parent who truly loves their step kids. I’m sure those people do exist but I’ve never met one yet.

OP posts:
Whatyoudoingoverthere · 26/03/2019 21:40

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Aroundtheworldandback · 26/03/2019 21:40

Whatyoudoingoverthere They aren’t your kids and I totally understand but you have to appreciate you are SO lucky that your dh pulls them up when they are rude and disciplines them- trust me you’d be 100% more resentful if he didn’t.

Original poster
Whatyoudoingoverthere · 26/03/2019 21:43

I agree I’m very lucky with DH. The situation would be intolerable without his support.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 26/03/2019 21:44

Well I’m a step parent who does love my partner’s child and also not once have you said anything about ever liking or loving them. I don’t know how or why you’ve spent eight years clearly waiting to come out as top dog, for any of you.

Lizzie48 · 26/03/2019 21:48

OP, My DSis is a stepmum who truly loves her DSS as much as her 3 DC. She always has. She feels like a grandma to his DC now.

LifeIsToughMate · 26/03/2019 21:48

You really don’t need to love them and you’re ok with resenting them every now and then. But I hope you don’t always hate them and I hope you have enough compassion to let them have a relationship with their dad and feel welcomed at his place.

If you feel you are falling short because it’s too much for u, that’s also ok.. but don’t be pretending to your DH something that isn’t real. Let him know ur struggling to accept them and that u need help working on it.

LifeIsToughMate · 26/03/2019 21:56

I never really felt that my step mum needed to love me. I was also a teen when she came into my life. I was fine with having a loving dad and a loving mum..

I liked her st first and just wanted to feel accepted. I know it could be hard to put yourself in their shoes if your DS aren’t their age yet so perhaps start mingling with parents who have DC that same age as your step kids so you can filter out what’s personal and what’s not...

My step mum did irreparable damage to my self esteem. She made me feel unwelcomeD. And she pretended infront of my dad that she loved us. I was too timid to tell my dad anything because I didn’t want to lose my hopes of having her accept me one day... and yeh that never happened and instead my dad now thinks my poor step mum loved me and I’m the one that never appreciated.

Hopefully ur step kids can express things to their dad. But hopefully it can come from u to let him know that u don’t feel u owe him to welcome his kids in the home and see how he feels about it.

Have you ever felt in the past that you liked them? When they were younger ? Is this a recent resentment ?

user1473878824 · 26/03/2019 22:09

OP you don’t have to love them but you don’t seem to have ever even liked them. They’re your husband’s children. They’re not just going to disappear. What’s his take on all this because that hasn’t come up once in your posts.

LikeYouSaid · 26/03/2019 22:22

I actually feel for you OP Flowers

I was an absolute nightmare for my SM, a true demon and she completely disengaged from me over it. We hashed it out when I was 24 after refusing to even look at her since I left for uni at 18, let alone speak to her, and she admitted she hated me growing up Grin and you know what? Looking back I can honestly see why she did (I was rude, bratty, often hurtful with my words and all because I disliked the rules & boundaries my fun DD never seemed to have before Blush)

I’d like to say things get better but in my experience it took for me to leave, get a job and live independently to see that she wasn’t as bad as I thought and my behaviour had sucked!!

Aroundtheworldandback · 26/03/2019 22:27

Flupibass Are you for real? Do you even have children let alone step children?

ToTheMoonAndBack78 · 26/03/2019 22:56

Sweet heaven I feel sorry for those kids. A mum who has disengaged and possibly their only positive role model is their father who they both obviously want to come and see. You however are incredibly unreasonable. If anything you should have actively engaged with them both at that young age, layed out ground rules and insisted on them. They would have got it and respected you and your precious home. I'm actually disgusted that anyone could say they Hate someones children let alone their own husbands. I wonder what he would think of you if he knew how you really felt. You need to check yourself, but as pp have said in a few yrs they will probably be nc with you anyway. And if your husband has any sense he will see how spiteful you really are. I'm truly flabergasted at your attitude. It's not like you didn't have years to build a relationship with them. You obviously never had any interest. So why on earth you would marry anyone with children baffles me. My oh has said he is horrified that anyone could be so cold towards young people who are obviously craving positive interaction from two people who are supposed to be role. Models and love them. Angry

Femodene · 26/03/2019 23:24

All you ever hear from parents is how hard it is, the drudgery, the strained marriages, the worries, it gets worse, you chose a man who had children, so you actively opted in to this lifestyle, over a period of time. Complaining about your choices just makes yourself look a bit bad, you’re not stuck, you only get one life, is this what you want for the next 3 or 4 decades?

Kittypillar · 27/03/2019 00:19

I have never spoken to a step parent who truly loves their step kids

Jesus. I'm pretty sure this sentence alone says everything that needs to be said about you OP. Moaning about crappy teenagers is one thing (even in the heat of the moment I could understand saying things that are perhaps a wee bit harsh) but this is absolutely appalling.

user1473878824 · 27/03/2019 01:04

@Kittypillar it’s amazingly awful, isn’t it?

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 02:22

I agree I’m very lucky with DH. The situation would be intolerable without his support.

Really lucky? You have a dh who doesnt really support his kids or his wife he half heartedly does everything.

He doesnt have the balls to discipline his kids, if he really feels they are out of order.

And if he doesnt think they are out of order, he doesnt have the balls to stand up to his wife either.

Sounds like he probably spending his time bouncing between all of you. Which suggests to me, he doesnt really think his kids are an issue. He is just trying to appease you.

NutElla5x · 27/03/2019 06:42

Op if these were your biological kids you were talking about, everyone would be calling them spoilt and entitled and telling you it's your house your rules yada yada yada. As it is, it suits many mumsnetters agenda to portray you as the wicked and cruel stepmother. I actually feel for you,because it is hard enough at times to deal with your own biological teenagers, but at least when they're yours you are free to discipline them whereas a step parent would have to bite their lip I should imagine. Like I said before only you know how much more of them you can take, but I would get out of the house as much as possible when they're around and look forward to the day they grow out of wanting to stay over so often.

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 27/03/2019 06:57

The thing is OP when you take on a man with kids, you have to actually love the kids too, think of them as your own

I don't agree with this.

You should be kind and fair but you cannot force love. Step parents don't have the in built unconditional love the biological parents have. Their love if they have it, is gained and moulded throughout time. You're not going to grow to love someone you find difficult and don't enjoy being around, you can't force it like that, it doesn't work.

It's an unfair expectation put on step mothers all the time and one which often leads to them feeling like they are doing something wrong because they don't feel this burning love for these children as if they were their own yet.

I'm sure there are step mothers who do actually love their step children as if they were their own but there will be plenty that don't feel so strongly and that's okay (so long as they are still treated well of course).

Wallywobbles · 27/03/2019 07:36

Last week my teen DDs were away on a Spanish exchange and we just had my step kids. So nice.

My poor DH has my bickering bitchy teens to deal with every day. And my poor step kids have them one week out of 2.

They get lots of discipline and it's better than it has been but it's been lovely to have time off from them. So I get what you are saying OP. Some teens are just not nice company much too much of the time.

swingofthings · 27/03/2019 07:37

Teenagers can easily be unlovable at times, certainly unlikeable. That's by their teachers, extended and yes, even their parents. The different e is that the parents of such teenagers never lose faith that they will turn a corner and become lively adults, if not lovely, well adjusted enough to be OK. It's therefore easier for them to not be submerged by the feeling that they wish they were not around them. Step parents don't have that. They bear the behaviour that is affe ting them and convince themselves that Tbe kids will turn unto demon adults, so can only pray that when they do, they'll be out of their life.

The reality is somewhere in between. It's hard to suffer the selfishness, laziness and rudeness of teenagers when you only see them as they are now, in the present time. At the same time, many such teenagers do end up turning into lovely pleasant caring adults. I can think of quite a few friends' kids who I really didn't like as kids, imagine them as unpleasant adults and then see them grow to be fantastic young adults very caring of their family. The problem is that if they've been rejected for years by a SP, they are more unikely to include them in their good adult life.

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