I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

Yep, it sure would be easy to work out. Even if some facts are changed and others greatly exaggerated! It makes for very sad reading.

It's a matter of perception here. You view not making the bed as lack of respect, when the reality is probably that they just can't be bothered.

My DM used to say (when I was at home) that not washing the dishes or removing a glass from the table was a sign I didn't care what she said. Np.it wasn't. I just wanted to do it when I was ready after I'd had a relax.

She hated dishes in the sink overnight. With my DC... they might say "Mum, I'm really tired. Is it okay to do it in the morning". Absolutely fine... but my DM wouldn't have agreed to it.

You need to be reasonable in your expectations, especially, given how they've been raised and what they've been through with their parents splitting up.

Every child's experience of this is individual and because one child copes fine, doesn't mean another will.

If all you can say is moans about making their bed and wanting a fry up, you have to understand we as readers can only go on the available information. Unfortunately, we don't have the powers of telepathy.

Nothing you have said warrants hatred towards them.

If a child grows up having missed out on a stage in their development, it will account for why they may not behave in accordance with the level of maturity you might expect.

When their parents split up, they were probably focused on their own emotions and issues around the relationship breakdown.
DC are often neglected at this time...and it can have long term effects for some.

It's wise to look at the situation holistically, taking everything into consideration, rather than having the feelings of hatred that you do. It will only make you become bitter and resentful.

I do not let these feelings be known in RL
Just commenting on this. If you genuinely believe that they don't know how you feel about them, thrn you are totally deluding yourself. They will know and it will the reason why they make little effort to make you happy. Why would they make their bed just to please you when what you think about them is that you hate them?

Start changing your attitude towards them and they might adjust accordingly.

Can I just point out that them not making beds is not the biggest issue and a simple example of their lazy attitude and lack of respect for us. This is not the biggest problem and was simply an example.

No, no you can't.

Parenting is a tough job. You get a choice in being a step parent. Walk away if you can't handle the kids that come with the partner because hopefully he isn't going to walk away from his kids.

It's really bloody tough coping with children sometimes, but they don't get a choice in coping with you. As an adult you have the choice in coping with them or not.

Most teenagers are disrespectful at times in the safety of their own homes. Their dad lives there- it is their home too.

Why is the op getting such a hard time?

At 18 yes I'd damn well expect more grown up behaviour. You can get away with the "well they are being normal teenagers" when they're younger, NOT at 18.

Op I have detested all mine as teens at one point or another, I've still got one of the buggers left and it's only because I don't fancy prison that he's still alive sometimes.

Right, I skipped over the 18 and 16 year old bit which would have made me feel somewhat more emphatic to OP

But surely it's really bloody normal to not make your bed these days? I'm a grown woman... I make mine if someone's coming over (other than changing sheets) so they don't realise I don't do it everyday. If I stay with family I still don't make it often - I shut the door on my room and don't expect it to be checked till I leave and put the bedclothes in the wash on the way out? It's not like I'm going to trip on Lego and break my neck in my bedroom if I don't tidy up and my own damn fault if I did?

Can't they just have privacy long as they're sorting it before they leave?

But surely it's really bloody normal to not make your bed these days? I'm a grown woman... I make mine if someone's coming over (other than changing sheets) so they don't realise I don't do it everyday. If I stay with family I still don't make it often - I shut the door on my room and don't expect it to be checked till I leave and put the bedclothes in the wash on the way out? It's not like I'm going to trip on Lego and break my neck in my bedroom if I don't tidy up and my own damn fault if I did?

Different strokes, different folks. For me, I'm sorry, but no. Every bed gets made every morning before the house is left. Unless it has a cat in residence, in which case you make it as soon as you get home. And I think I just felt several strands of hair go white at the thought of being at my mother's house and not making my bed - or worse yet, my KIDS not making their beds. . .

(mosies off to make a hair appointment. . .)

But would you actually check the room of a guest to make sure they'd made their bed??

I mean I leave a room spotless but I'd think it bloody odd if my aunt was checking the room I stayed in after breakfast!

I didn’t make my own bed this morning. I didn’t make it yesterday either and I won’t be making it tomorrow.

Didn’t realise that was a cardinal sin.

thedisorganisedmum, yes, and some parents are unforgiving tyrants! My mother was very big on made beds and tidy rooms.

I told her it wasn’t my bedroom, as the wardrobe was full of her 80s clothes she no longer fit in, the shelves were full of her ornaments she had no other space for and I wasn’t allowed it blue instead of lilac. It was obviously her room, so she could tidy it.

Maybe OP’s stepkids feel similarly, as this isn’t their home (even though they spend nearly half their time there).

Me either 😅 @Proudirishnotpaddy I'm fairly houseproud in other areas but other than small kids bedrooms or of course if it stinks with smelly teens 😷 I just can't understand why you would inspect someone's private space (even if in your home, you've allocated that space for them while their there as private enough to sleep and dress in etc) for a made bed

If the doors closed how does it affect anyone else??

My DSSs both make their own beds and put their own washing away, will keep their room tidy and they are 6 and 8!!

Our home is their home even if they are only here half the time. I think they would sense they aren't welcome if I disappeared whenever they were home

You are as bad as they are, they mirror how you treat them

Every bed gets made every morning before the house is left.

Why? What impact does it have if they dont?

My DSSs both make their own beds and put their own washing away, will keep their room tidy and they are 6 and 8!!

When they are over twenty and dont it their whole lives and not gone through teenage stage, where they just dont do stuff like this because they just dont, then maybe this would be relevant.

I have 2 kids. Both were very tidy as kids. One is 8. One is 16. The 16 year old has definitly gone through this stage.

I rarely make my bed. I might pull it straight or shake it out every now and again I don't make the 10 year so his either.

Luvsmalldogs - I have every sympathy - my room had two twin beds, everything floral and frilly, and when I asked if I could take one of the beds out to put a desk in for studying, got told very firmly, no, she required the bed for when we had guests. Nothing was allowed on the walls, and no say in the colour scheme, which was centred around a musical doll lamp she'd given me when I was eight.

I wouldn't check the room of a guest to check if they've made a bed, no.

However, when it comes to my kids (as I said, I don't have stepkids), I am regularly in and out of their rooms, putting clean washing in, etc, and I do expect them to adhere to the rules of the house - one of which is that you exert yourself for a whole five minutes to make your sodding bed. (It's part of the trade-off for them having their rooms decorated the way they like, in their colour schemes, with the furniture they like, and the double beds they decided they absolutely had to have. . .) If they genuinely don't have time, and this lack of time isn't self-generated by having been on their phone when they should have been getting the things they needed to have done before they went to school out of the way, I'm more than happy for them to explain, and do it later. Or if I'm in a terrifically good mood, I might do it for them - and they are always very appreciative of that.

Stepkids surely can't have it both ways. Either it's their home and they're family, in which case they're surely supposed to be respectful of family rules and muck in as part of the family, OR they're guests - in which case, as a good guest, you don't make a mess, aren't rude or sullen, and don't demand someone cook you a fry-up?

LuvSmallDogs

I'd rather be a tyrant than having a sloppy and messy house. We all have our cross to be bear, for my kids that will be me. I am fine with that.
They have to get used to make their bed, and they know it would be extremely rude not to when they are guests somewhere in a private house. That sort of things stick in their head, and they will remember when they are adults. It's worth it.

And as I said - different strokes, different folks.

I'm sure as heck not going to judge others for having a more relaxed bedmaking policy - but I'm not going to feel the need to defend or justify that in this house, yep, the expectation is that you make your bed as part of how you keep your room.

It's no big deal not to make a bed - and equally, it's no big deal to take a whole five minutes to make one.

thedisorganisedmum, I shouldn’t worry too much, once they move out you will see how much they wish to beat you. My not speaking to her for over a year and my DBro calling her by her first name has modified my mother’s behaviour exceptionally well.

*bear

"What their mother does is nothing to do with me. It’s hardly surprising she doesn’t want to be around them though. She has them more than I do so she must be at her wits end. Both parents are to blame"

Well, you've had a relationship with them for eight years so so are you.

I can't believe I'm reading this. op seems to have not a clue. I appreciate that these children are her sc, but really?

You avoid them and you never discipline them but you claim that their father is a good father?
No, he's clearly not because he doesn't seem to have done barely any parenting over the last 10 years either!!

"demanding dinner and not contributing in anyway, I.e. helping wash up" and having a sulk over Wanting a Fryup and been told that no you can't have a Fryup because tonight's dinner is chicken and veg.

So where was the dad in all of this ? why didn't he turn around and say don't speak to op like that?

These children haven't been parented at all, they've had no guidelines, no discipline, no structure, no nothing.

because if they had had all of those basics they wouldn't speak to you like that in the first place.

I've got two teenagers at the moment and quite frankly I agree with previous posters they're not the most attractive right now!!

I find them very irritating, self-centred. but I have done proper parenting in the last 15 years so I expect respect, help : they have chores to do. Ds1 has to clean the bathroom, DS2 has to clean the downstairs toilet and pair the socks etc.

they come to the table, when called, eat what they are given, they say thank you after every meal I've prepared for them. they show respect as they should do.

I find teenagers these days and peoples parenting style for teenagers quite horrific to be honest!!

and everyone just says all that's the way they are. No, I think they're allowed to be more self-centred these days than certainly I was allowed to be as a teenager.

I think parenting has changed for the worst.

however this doesn't help the OP's problem.

you really need to start with some of the basics. and you really need to talk to your husband about it. and he should be doing a lot more and talking to them about how they treat you generally.

I'm sure as heck not going to judge others for having a more relaxed bedmaking policy - but I'm not going to feel the need to defend or justify that in this house, yep, the expectation is that you make your bed as part of how you keep your room.

You dint have to justify it.

However, if like the OP its leading to arguments and you name it as one of the reasons you hate a step child, I do think it's worth exploring more, as to why this is such a huge issue and clearly a sign of disrespect.

My kids did lots when they were 6 and 8 that they didn’t do when they were teens.

The child at 6 isn’t the same as the teen at 16. I know that’s a shocker.

And it doesn’t matter how well you “train” them or how good they are at it at 6 and 8.

I hate that "pick your battles" nonsense. It's just being lazy.

No, it’s deciding not to nag over unnecessary crap that really doesn’t matter in the long run. As the daughter of an overcontrolling (also abusive but that’s a different story), I had no privacy as a teenager and no space to call my own. I’ve been knocking on dd’s bedroom door for years now and what mess she chooses to live in is entirely her choice in her own room.

What I didn’t tolerate during her messy phase was food/plates/fruit/every bloody glass in the entire house being left in her room, so that was what I nagged about. Just so we didn’t get mice/fruit flies or whatever, and all 3 of us could drink out of a glass.

I could have spent every waking moment nagging about something but tbh that would be as miserable for me as it would have been for dd.

Teenagers’ brains actually rewire quite significantly and go through as drastic a redevelopment as toddlers’ brains. They genuinely don’t have the headspace to remember everything so if adults don’t pick their battles then life’s going to be really miserable for everyone.

It’s not laziness and it’s not nonsense; it’s sensible not to choose every hill on which to die.

Oops - overcontrolling *mother