I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

Hi OP this all sounds quite stressful for you. Don't take the criticism personally. Step mothers are always wrong on here. A lot of people hate their own teens so it must be a million times harder with steps (mine is only 7 at the minute). Hope they grow out of it soon

Also it's not their house, it's yours and their Dad's house but that's not a popular view on here, only irl.

If my DC at that age threw a fit over what was for dinner I'd laugh in their face. It's incredibly babyish.

The comment about increasing the education leaving age to 18 has probably hit the nail on the head.

Are you actually for real? I am not a visitor in my own marriage or in my own home. If they choose to behave badly in my home then they will be treated as the visitor! I have spent many years trying hard for them and the time has come where I try no more.

Thanks for all the support, I was expecting a lot more negativity to be honest and the support has been really helpful. Thank you.

I have spent many years trying hard for them and the time has come where I try no more

Everyone would get to that point eventually OP. Don't be hard on yourself. It's only on here that step kids can do absolutely nothing wrong (even when they are legally adults ).

In the real world most people understand that even your own kids can be incredibly testing never mind someone elses.

You are a visitor in their family, I'm trying to point out that it's a bit unrealistic to make them feel like visitors, they will never be visitors, they were already there.

By now the long visits should be tailing off.
My DC stopped overnighters around 15.
Would rather be out with mates, not stuck in with their dad.

Sounds like at 18 and 16 they are a bit immature. Maybe they have been babied.

OP it shouldn't be for much longer.

18 is NOT a child

Yet my DD is asked for the household income (DH and I) in her student loan application.

So while 18 is legally an adult, taking your parents income into account and expecting their
financial contribution doesn't quite match up.

I don't know any 18 year olds who are fully independent and support themselves.

You might find these links useful OP.

kidshealth.org/en/parents/adolescence.html

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stepmonster/200911/teens-can-drive-you-nuts-especially-when-theyre-not-yours%3famp

Sandy, whilst that is true it's a bit much to refer to an 18 year old as a child in the sense of saying they should expect to be fed, not make their beds and not contribute to any household chores.

There's a difference between being fully financially independent and being an adult in the sense that you should begin to contribute fairly to family life because you aren't the baby anymore.

I'd treat them as toddlers, praise ANYTHING good that you like eg 5 mins non arguing 'It's so lovely when you two aren't bickering' or bringing a dirty plate into the kitchen. 'thank you' it's so much easier to not have to go round the house collecting stuff' and largely ignore the bad.
Won't be for long at that age.

How many posters here have the experience of being a step-child?
It's really weird to insist that children have two homes. I always had home and dad's house, and every friend in a similar sitiation felt the same.

Also the 18yo still doing access visits is odd. By 18 I'd periodically arrange to meet my dad in the pub for an afternoon, I certainly didn't stay over.

There are some very weird oppinions on this thread from people who have clearly never been step children.

I agree, I have been both a step child and a step mother.

I lived with my dad and that was always home. Mums house was mums house.

My step children also call their mums house home and our house 'Dads house'. And they stay with us 3 nights every week so only one off 50/50.

If I were you, I'd concentrate on getting them to be respectful of the shared spaces. So washing up their dishes, not leaving the bathroom in a mess etc. I'd leave worrying about made beds because that is 'their' space, although I don't allow mine to eat in their rooms unless they bring plates down straight away.
I think you'll feel better once you can get them not to take over and swamp your house with mess.
I fully understand the feeling of not being able to 'take to' a specific child - some really are more likeable than others, just like adults. But, it would be much better for you if you could find something the love in them. Remember they are kids whose parents are divorced, they have to deal with parents' new relationships - none of this was their choice either. Their hormones are all over the place. Really try, because they are part of your family forever and what you do now will affect the decades to come.
Personally I don't think it's unreasonable to stick to access arrangements. They are probably still at school and this is their routine. My teens like spending time with us as well as their friends. If they don't live with their dad, they will need that specific time.

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe*

Their level of maturity and ability to carry out tasks for themselves, very much depends on how they were raised.

If they weren't told to make their beds as DC... they won't automatically do it as they grow older.

My teens don't always make their beds, but I'm not going to stress myself about it. If they're doing well in their studies and are generally polite and well behaved... I pick my battles.

They can get themselves something to eat, because they know how to. Even if it's not a gourmet meal, they would never ask me for a fry up... as they'd be told to do it themselves.

Why can't you say this to them OP?

It's easy to blame the teens, why doesn't their dad say... you can do yourself a fry up?

We're all a product of our environment and as children boundaries need to be set and poor behaviour needs to be addressed.

I agree with a pp... there's nothing that sounds nasty about them. Lazy? Yes. Unable to carry out what you see as simple tasks? Maybe.

However, they don't sound offensive. You've not said they ignore you, exclude you or treat you badly.

Hate is a very strong word to use here, unless of course you
truly have an intense dislike, loathe,detest,
orabhor them.

Sometimes we use the word when we don't necessarily mean it to that extent, but I would certainly not want to be married to someone who loathed or detested my DC.

A few posters are asking why they keep coming over... isn't seeing their dad a good enough reason? Perhaps they also like a change of surroundings. The 18 yo MSU want to go with their younger sibling.

My eldest nephew is 19 and he still goes to his dads (my brothers) place with his younger brother and sister regularly. Their stepmum makes them all feel welcome and has told them, it's their home and to treat it as such.
They aren't treated like guests. They help her cook, she has no problem asking them to wash the dishes or anything else. My DB does the same. It really is down to upbringing.

It's not many places you go and have your own bedroom with your clothes and other belongings...so while it may not be referred to as home...it really is a second home. Saying dad's is required to differentiate between the 2.

Another word being used flippantly on this thread is vile. It's a very strong word... equating to foul,nasty,horrible,
abominable,atrocious,offensive,repulsive,revolting.

I could never in a million years use such words to describe my teenagers or anyone else's.
Those are words more suitable for sociopaths and psychopaths.

Apology first - I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if I am repeating something someone has already said.

Secondly, I'd like to say it takes real courage to admit to having feelings like that - it is not unusual to find parenting (of any kind) incredibly hard... I certainly feel that it can be the worst of times and the best of times, all mixed in together. Admitting it (to yourself), then deciding to take action to change a situation takes a lot of guts and resolve. So you need to be kind to yourself.

Have you thought about inviting one teen at a time to stay (not every time, but occasionally), so you avoid all of the sibling bickering, and have the opportunity to develop a proper relationship? We have found in our family, that getting the child/teen on their own in a 1-to-1 way, and giving them a lot of attention, and letting them make choices and feel special for the day, really changes the dynamic. We have found that it is almost as if a switch is flicked and it is a different child ;)

In my experience, I have found that sometimes my children/teens (I have 3) can become very prickly, angry, selfish, spiteful and vindictive (and dare I say it, a tad unloveable...!) as a sort of response mechanism when they are feeling sad, angry, anxious or jealous (mine are very competitive unfortunately). Having a 1-to-1 day almost seems to reset their default button again. It's a real eye-opener... I have found that during these days you start to see things in them again that you love and treasure (which makes the rest of it a bit easier).

One other thing we do in our house is to try and shift the balance to a more caring and supportive relationship between the siblings. I have tried to do this by getting the oldest one on board (by saying that he has it in his power to change the nature of the relationship (with DC2)), and by asking him discretely to try and say 5 genuinely nice and supportive things to DC2, spread throughout the day. He always forgets shortly afterwards (typical!), but after DC1 has said a couple of comments like 'Hey, that was really great, how did you do that?' to DC2 about one of their interests, then it is amazing to see how DC2 responds immediately in a lovely way.

These might not work for everyone, or in every family situation, but I thought I would share it anyway, as it has worked for us. We still have a long way to go, but I feel very far from the point I was at a year or so ago (where I thought DH and I would have to live separately (despite being happy together) in order to separate the DCs - as I felt that family life was so difficult).

Also the 18yo still doing access visits is odd. By 18 I'd periodically arrange to meet my dad in the pub for an afternoon, I certainly didn't stay over.

But that's you. Not everyone else.

I am a step mother and have been a step daughter.

My adult step son, is as welcome in our home as my son is. And when he wants to come stay, he can.

I find it odd that people think children should stop over night visits the minute they hit 18.

I'm reading this thread with dropped jaw! I haven't seen you write anything that your SC do that merits the vile things that you are writing about them. You haven't given any concrete examples of what they've done that is so bad.

Not making the bed - meh. Not wanting the dinner you've planned - answer: cook your own. Not sitting up at the table - also meh. You haven't written that they've wrecked the house or sworn at you, for example, so from what you've written I can't really see the problem

This. Absolutely.

As a parent of one adult child and two preteens, I can say that if you allow minor things to drive you nuts, pretty soon ALL things become major issues. Choose. Your. Battles.

Bed making? Meh - if you don't want to see it, close the bedroom door. If they don't want to eat what you cook, then they can make their own - but they will need to clean up their mess afterwards. Otherwise, consider the meal they want at the next opportunity instead and offer to let them cook it or help with it.

I have yet to understand the idea people have that "visitation" stops at 16 or 18yo. That 16 or 18yo (or older) is your DP/DH's child FOR LIFE. They want to spend time with him (and might even enjoy spending time with you if you unwound ever so slightly). They are going to be in his life for as long as he lives, so it's probably a good idea to come to terms with that. You kind of sound like you figured once they were 18 it was going to be "okay, you're adults now, so shove off and let us live our separate lives." Not likely going to happen that way.

“They only make their beds when told to do so” 🤣 OMG worst teenagers ever!!! I’m sorry, but that is a clear indication you don’t know how to pick your battles, so it’s no wonder you feel frazzled.

some posters have really low standards with their kids

I hate that "pick your battles" nonsense. It's just being lazy.

Can I just point out that them not making beds is not the biggest issue and a simple example of their lazy attitude and lack of respect for us. This is not the biggest problem and was simply an example. I have not listed the bigger issues for 1. Chances are they could be identifiable to their mother who reads this and 2. I’d only get the usual “that’s not a big problem, they’re only Kids” excuse.

There are many examples where their behaviour is almost intolerable!

I have not listed the bigger issues for 1. Chances are they could be identifiable to their mother who reads this and 2. I’d only get the usual “that’s not a big problem, they’re only Kids” excuse.

There are many examples where their behaviour is almost intolerable!

Woah, major drip feed.

Woah, major drip feed.

is it? the complaint about bad attitude was not enough for you?

I don't think it is a major drip feed, they still sound like teenagers.

I don't see not making the bed as a lack of respect. I never did as a child or teen and would never see it as a lack of respect, lazy yes. However, I do make my bed every morning now.

I was a step child and now have a step mum and step dad which I love and get on brilliantly with. It wasn't always the way but the step dad was an affair so that was generally why. My step mum has always treated me with respect and made an effort, she wanted to get to know me and listen to me and we have an amazing relationship now. She came along when I was around 17.

What I'm trying to say is I don't hate step parents, I do think sometimes they get a bit of a tough time on here but in this case, the children really don't sound that bad at all. They just sound like normal teenagers. Yes, some are worse and some are better however this sounds like the norm.

You'll get through it, pushing them away and not having anything to do with them now probably won't help your relationship with them in the future.

From everything you've said, they don't have a personal problem with you. They don't hate you, they treat you the same way they treat their dad, so it's not a personal thing.

Like others have said, you're on the home straight now. I would try and bond with them when I can. Could you and the DD go and do things together? Maybe a bit of shopping and lunch.

It sounds horrible for them, it sounds like their Mum doesn't care and neither do the rest of the adults around them. That could be why they're kicking out a bit.

I do feel sorry for you OP, they aren't your children but you have been in their lives a long time. Have you spoken to their Dad about their behaviour? That is one thing you haven't really mentioned - what does he think about all of it?

Ahh so now trying to hint it's worse than oy is but cant come up with anything realistic enough

I am pretty sure if their mum reads this, she will know it's her family.