Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

he asked me to lie to her parents

260 replies

IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 25/03/2019 13:54

Ds is turning 17 in a few weeks, he initially asked to have a few friends over which we agreed to however he changed his mind and asked for us to organise for him and a few mates to stay over night at SIL log cabin.

The cabin has been booked for the weekend after his birthday for him and 5 others including his girlfriend, ds has asked me to tell his girlfriends parents that I will be at the log cabin supervising otherwise his girlfriend won’t be allowed to attend.

Basically the back story is girlfriends dad walked in on them a few months ago and caught them in the act and has now forbidden any staying overnight with each other.

The problem is I am not going to be at the cabin and I really cant lie to her parents, I know it will ruin ds night if she is not there, would it be unreasonable to speak to her parents and try to convince them to let her attend or should I stay well out of it?

OP posts:
AnneOfCleanTables · 26/03/2019 23:46

A terrible lesson to teach a teenage boy
Yy. I have a son and since he was small, I've always tried to teach him to respect boundaries - not to try to find a way round; not to try to wear people down. So many people, either deliberately or subconsciously, accept this casual and constant eroding of boundaries and society does so much already to wear down women's boundaries.

Merrymumoftwo · 26/03/2019 23:56

Op have you considered offering an additional safeguard such as you will come and get anyone wishing to leave early?

As a mum of a daughter I would see this as disrespectful and have concerns about my daughter’s boundaries being respected as a result. For example while happy to have sex with your son when they are alone or believe they are. What happens if she does not want to around a group of males but he does as it’s her birthday?

Merrymumoftwo · 26/03/2019 23:56

Should say as it’s his birthday

Gth1234 · 27/03/2019 00:06

I wouldn't lie. If he is asking to you then he (and his GF) are not showing sufficient maturity. GF even more, as she is deliberately disobeying her parents. It's not such a big deal to you, is it, except for the lying.

Blondebakingmumma · 27/03/2019 00:27

No way would I want my 16 year old daughter going

YemenRoadYemen · 27/03/2019 00:43

Totally agree with Math on this.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 27/03/2019 01:25

This actually sounds like it was written by a 16 yr old.As a mom of boy and girls teenagers,this would never have been given a second thought.NOPE!!!
Grow up,you're supposed to be the adult!

mathanxiety · 27/03/2019 02:03

YYY Merrymumoftwo For example while happy to have sex with your son when they are alone or believe they are. What happens if she does not want to around a group of males but he does as it’s his birthday?

OP - Is it to be a whole cabin full of boys with just the one girl (the GF)?

The way your posts read, it sounds as if you think your DS is entitled to have everything he wants on his birthday, on his terms, including sex with his GF.

If you can't understand why this would be every shade of No Way under the sun then you need to give your head a wobble.

mathanxiety · 27/03/2019 02:04

So many people, either deliberately or subconsciously, accept this casual and constant eroding of boundaries and society does so much already to wear down women's boundaries. AnneOfCleanTables

This^^

Zebra31 · 27/03/2019 06:51

What is it with the posters advocating lying? I think it’s a reflection of your moral boundaries. If you are encouraging the op to lie for her son, turn a blind eye to her son lying to the girls parents or encouraging the girl to lie to her parent then it says a lot about your moral standards on lying. How easily do you, yourself find it to lie to others? If you are comfortable with your child or someone else’s child lying then I do wonder about you! Hmm I want my child to learn honesty. I am not naive enough to think she won’t lie but I would never knowingly allow her to lie or encourage others to lie.

Zebra31 · 27/03/2019 06:54

I too agree with a lot of what mananxiety has said

TheLittleDogLaughed · 27/03/2019 07:34

Has the girlfriend said no to this plan - is she being coerced into something by your DS? If not then a lot of these posts about respecting women’s boundaries are irrelevant. Aren’t they just a couple of teenagers trying to have sex because they are in a relationship together? It’s hardly Harvey Weinstein.

edgeofheaven · 27/03/2019 08:52

TheLittleDogLaughed if the girlfriend wants to go she needs to sort it out with her parents. It's not her boyfriend's place to convince them and it's certainly not his boyfriend's MOTHER's place to convince them.

I don't think it's a #metoo situation but it does indicate a huge amount of entitlement from OP's son which he needs to sort out.

Mememeplease · 27/03/2019 08:59

It's a bit closing the stable door after the horse has bolted isn't it?

Present the facts and then respect the parents decision. You've done your best for your son by roping in ds1.

edgeofheaven · 27/03/2019 09:09

It's a bit closing the stable door after the horse has bolted isn't it?

Depends what you're trying to prevent. If it's pregnancy then putting limits on how much alone time they have together will reduce the chance of it happening.

I know someone who got pregnant at 16, it caused huge havoc in her life and the DD she had was basically on lockdown until she was 18. Maybe people who are relaxed about this haven't experienced teen pregnancy and how much it can damage a young woman's life.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 27/03/2019 09:43

edgeofheaven do you think teenage pregnancy is prevented by forcing kids to sneak around to have sex or is it prevented by talking to them openly and encouraging them to be safe? They are going to do it anyway if they want to, unless you imprison them or watch them 24/7.

AnneOfCleanTables · 27/03/2019 10:58

The fact is OP could have supported the parents and the gf's position by giving her DS two options. 1) You go to the cabin with your friends and without gf. 2) If you want gf there then you need to have your party at home and I'll be there.
But OP doesn't want to make her DS choose. Instead she wants to try to erode the gf and her parents' boundaries. And, let's be honest, we don't know that the gf is happy to continue having sex with him or that she'd be happy having sex at the cabin. She wouldn't be the first teen to use 'strict' parents as an excuse to take a step back from a premature sexual relationship.

ralfeesmum · 27/03/2019 11:03

Don't do it.

Unforeseen circumstances can easily occur with teenagers - too much booze, illegal substances - and if that happened and the police get involved........well, it can all spin way out of control and you may well end up shouldering the larger burden of responsibility.

And then your name will be mud with the girls parents. No!No!No!

Merrymumoftwo · 27/03/2019 11:04

I think op needs to clarify how well known older son and his friend are to these two girls. As this has gone from 4 boys 2 girls to plus two at least one of whom is male. I don’t think this is a #metoo situation but i do think expectations may be different and currently little is known about cabin set up. How many bedrooms? Remote or in a village with accessible transport? Fully aware of emergency procedures and confident enough to leave? With little information we can only go on instinct and personal experience. I hope it is resolved in a way that leaves everyone as happy as possible. Hopefully moving forward your DS will show his gf’s parents how responsible and respectful of her he is and that initial dad snap reaction will change to acceptance of him and their relationship

Original poster
IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 27/03/2019 13:08

A lot of your replies have helped me see how this looks on ds I have just had my tinted glasses on wanting him to enjoy his birthday but ds1 has just informed me that if ds2 girlfriend and her friend does not get to go to his birthday then he is inviting his ex girlfriend and her friend

I asked ds2 about this and he said that they are just friends and it was just to make up the numbers, I asked him if his girlfriend knew about this plan and he said NO

I’m thinking about pulling the plug on the whole idea now

OP posts:
NappyDisco · 27/03/2019 13:40

Wow. Thats pretty shitty tbh. I think youre wise to pull the plug. Women arent just interchangeable!

TheLittleDogLaughed · 27/03/2019 13:43

That's a bit of a game-changer then OP. I take back everything I said in defence of your DS. Grin

Happyspud · 27/03/2019 13:44

The fact that he needs his mum to arrange his birthday shag for him is not a good sign.

AllMYSmellySocks · 27/03/2019 13:48

So many people, either deliberately or subconsciously, accept this casual and constant eroding of boundaries and society does so much already to wear down women's boundaries.

Have I missed something? The girl wants to go and her parents don't want her to. Nothing to do with female boundaries? Unless OP's son is a rapist?

It would be wrong to lie to her parents. If the only reason they object is because they don't want her having sex then yes they're naive and silly the kids will do it anyway but that's their decision and their prerogative. There are also other reasons why they ay not want their daughter away without adults about. They know her best and how mature she is - will she drink too much? Would she know to get help if she did drink too much?

AllMYSmellySocks · 27/03/2019 13:51

ds1 has just informed me that if ds2 girlfriend and her friend does not get to go to his birthday then he is inviting his ex girlfriend and her friend

That would make me more suspicious. Unless the ex is part of the friendship group it sounds like he's just replacing his girlfriend with a different girl to shag. I wouldn't have lied in the first place personally but this would give me pause for even allowing the trip.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.