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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

he asked me to lie to her parents

260 replies

IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 25/03/2019 13:54

Ds is turning 17 in a few weeks, he initially asked to have a few friends over which we agreed to however he changed his mind and asked for us to organise for him and a few mates to stay over night at SIL log cabin.

The cabin has been booked for the weekend after his birthday for him and 5 others including his girlfriend, ds has asked me to tell his girlfriends parents that I will be at the log cabin supervising otherwise his girlfriend won’t be allowed to attend.

Basically the back story is girlfriends dad walked in on them a few months ago and caught them in the act and has now forbidden any staying overnight with each other.

The problem is I am not going to be at the cabin and I really cant lie to her parents, I know it will ruin ds night if she is not there, would it be unreasonable to speak to her parents and try to convince them to let her attend or should I stay well out of it?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 26/03/2019 08:35

Surely he can still have a nice birthday with a gang of his mates without girlfriends being around? Isn’t that part of growing up that you don’t always spend time with your girlfriend? Your DS needs to learn to respect other people’s guidelines, whether he agrees with them or not.

He’s got years ahead of him to have weekends away with girlfriends, why push him into it when he is only 16.

(And yes I do have an 18 year old but no way would I be facilitating their sex life).

LadyKylieShagworthy · 26/03/2019 08:49

I think if I was the parent of the 16 yo girl, you suggesting that an older brother plus friend be there to supervise would not really reassure me.

LazyLizzy · 26/03/2019 08:52

Wouldn't his mates be a bit pissed off that DS is bringing his girlfriend?

Changes the dynamics a bit.

needsahouseboy · 26/03/2019 09:03

I can't wait for the thread 'My son had a cabin hired for his birthday and now I'm left with a huge bill for the damage that was caused by unsupervised 16 year olds for a weekend'

I'm also amazed that you have manged to book this as most state there has to be an adult. Please let us know where so I can avoid it!

Your son is being very disrespectful to his girlfriends parents.

edgeofheaven · 26/03/2019 09:04

Wouldn't his mates be a bit pissed off that DS is bringing his girlfriend?

OP says above that there would be 4 boys and 2 girls so guessing someone else's girlfriend is invited.

thebabessavedme · 26/03/2019 09:09

so this girl is 16, I assume OP that you have made very sure that your son knows how to prevent her becoming pregnant?, because at her age, I can assure you that if she does become pregnant it will be her and her parents who have to live with whatever outcome that would entail, perhaps that is why they are not too happy with her having sex with your son, they can see a bigger picture!

Seahorseshoe · 26/03/2019 09:22

Don't lie to her parents.

FullOfJellyBeans · 26/03/2019 09:32

Wouldn't his mates be a bit pissed off that DS is bringing his girlfriend?

I doubt it, some 16 year olds are fairly mature about women and are happy to welcome partners as part of the group - in fact the girlfriend might have been friends with the group before they started going out.

I agree with PP that lying to her parents is unacceptable. If they want to stop her having sex they won't be successful but they may just be unhappy with a group of 16 year olds a way from home without supervision (fair enough). They might drink too much and get hurt for example.

Whether the unsupervised 16 year olds away from home is a good idea really depends on the group. I went away for a week with friends at 16. It was fine. WE didn't destroy our holiday let or cause any disturbance. Other groups of 16 year olds would be a massive liability. I'm assuming OP knows her son and his friends.

FullOfJellyBeans · 26/03/2019 09:35

so this girl is 16, I assume OP that you have made very sure that your son knows how to prevent her becoming pregnant?, because at her age, I can assure you that if she does become pregnant it will be her and her parents who have to live with whatever outcome that would entail, perhaps that is why they are not too happy with her having sex with your son, they can see a bigger picture!

What has that got to do with this trip away? They're already having sex and will no doubt continue to do so in a log cabin or in their own or someone else's houses during the day. I'm sure OP has discussed contraception with her son and he will have learned about it in school. No doubt his girlfriend has too and her parents know she's sexually active and will have discussed it too. None of that is relevant to whether they stay in the log cabin.

Sunonthepatio · 26/03/2019 09:38

I'd be concerned about the high jinx and the disturbance to others. I have teens this sort of age, and you have to be nearby if they hold an event. I tend to stay with a neighbour.

edgeofheaven · 26/03/2019 09:46

What has that got to do with this trip away? They're already having sex and will no doubt continue to do so in a log cabin or in their own or someone else's houses during the day. I'm sure OP has discussed contraception with her son and he will have learned about it in school. No doubt his girlfriend has too and her parents know she's sexually active and will have discussed it too. None of that is relevant to whether they stay in the log cabin.

It kind of is in the sense that with no adults around they may be more likely to go in on alcohol and drugs. More likely to engage in risky sex with inhibitions lowered. Condom forgotten etc. It happens to adults so not sure why we're acting like it can't happen to teenagers.

chocolateandpinkgin · 26/03/2019 10:37

Wouldn't his mates be a bit pissed off that DS is bringing his girlfriend?

Why? Girls and boys can be friends too.

Not sure why so many people are so horrified about a couple of 16 year old girls hanging around with a group of 17/18 year old lads? At 16 I used to hang out with my boyfriend and his mates (who were all one or two years above me at school), there was nothing sinister in it at all, in fact we're all still friends now. I went on holiday with them, with me as the only girl!

I'm surprised how many people are so shocked at a 16 year old having sex. It's 2019. I was doing it at 14 (I'm well in my 30s now so this is a while ago). While I realise that's not ideal (and I do wish I'd waited), like it or not it's just what happens now. There's not really a lot that can be done to stop younger teenagers doing it, so instead we just need to ensure that there's support for them if they need it.

I can understand the girl's dad not being happy with the idea of her having sex however she's 16, she can legally consent to sex. Even if he stops her staying overnight, they'll find a way to do it - like someone else has said, it can happen in the daytime too! That said, I wouldn't be lying to her parents - definitely not a good idea. If they're adult enough to be having sex, they're adult enough to be open and honest when dealing with their parents.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/03/2019 10:49

"I would also suggest that there may also be Strongbow Dark Fruits or worse in copious attendance at this party too" .... I think a few strongbows is the least of their worries here Grin

thebabessavedme · 26/03/2019 11:46

Im not in any way shocked at a 16y having sex, i know I was and I know my dd was - the op has already said thst the girls parents are not happy about this, what I was trying to point out was that the parents have every right not to be happy about it, If this girl does become pregnant there is every reason to suppose that it would turn not only the girls life upside down but also her parents lives!, she still lives at home (or they wouldnt even know about this) so I assume she is still in education, not earning or supporting herself, so who the fuck picks up the pieces in the event of pregnancy? I cant believe that the OP really had to ask if it was unreasonable to lie.

Original poster
IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 26/03/2019 12:21

My older ds has reluctantly agreed to attend if he can take a friend, they are a couple years older and more mature, once ds gets home this evening I am telling him to tell his girlfriends parents the full situation and then accept their decision.

I was not contemplating lying to her parents I told ds from the very beginning that I could not lie to them, I was swithering wither to speak to them about the whole issue or to just leave it.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 26/03/2019 12:36

I can't say that I would see that as a sufficient compromise. Their issue is that they do not want her sleeping with your son, I doubt they will expect his older brother to stop that happening.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/03/2019 12:39

How old is your older DS?

As her parent I’m not sure I’d feel reassured by a couple of 19/20 year old kids going too 😖🤣

Is your SIL really ok without an adult being there?

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2019 12:48

How old is your older son and does the cabin owner know you will not be there and it's jist the kids?

Pinkyyy · 26/03/2019 13:06

I asked the same earlier @Bluntness100. Surely you've had to book it in your name because they wouldn't rent it to 16 year olds, have you asked if this is allowed?

Original poster
IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 26/03/2019 13:10

ds is almost 20

the cabin belongs to my husbands sister she has agreed for ds to use it

OP posts:
Namenic · 26/03/2019 13:28

Don’t lie.
They can have sex if they want but parents are also allowed to set rules - especially if their child is still a dependent. Eg they may choose to withhold treats (eg tv) if their child does not revise. Child is free not to revise but parent can cut internet etc to encourage certain behaviour.

You may disagree with their parenting but imagine if you said your kid could go over to a friend’s house and parent confirmed but they went abroad?

SilverySurfer · 26/03/2019 13:49

If the girl's father doesn't want her to have sex with your son, I don't see how your 19 year old DS being at the cabin will appease him, to be honest.

Boulezvous · 26/03/2019 14:50

Talk about locking the stable door after the horse has bolted. Her parents are silly.

But I'd stay out if it. It's her problem not yours. Don't take responsibility for sorting it. They can work it out for themselves.

Pinkyyy · 26/03/2019 15:54

I hope you're prepared to pay for any damages they might cause to the cabin.

Pinkyyy · 26/03/2019 15:56

In all honesty I think YABVU to leave a gang of 16 year olds at someone else's cabin overnight, unsupervised and with access to alcohol.

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