he asked me to lie to her parents

[IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE]

Ds is turning 17 in a few weeks, he initially asked to have a few friends over which we agreed to however he changed his mind and asked for us to organise for him and a few mates to stay over night at SIL log cabin.
 
The cabin has been booked for the weekend after his birthday for him and 5 others including his girlfriend,  ds has asked me to tell his girlfriends parents that I will be at the log cabin supervising otherwise his girlfriend won’t be allowed to attend. 
 
Basically the back story is girlfriends dad walked in on them a few months ago and caught them in the act and has now forbidden any staying overnight with each other.
 
The problem is I am not going to be at the cabin and I really cant lie to her parents, I know it will ruin ds night if she is not there, would it be unreasonable to speak to her parents and try to convince them to let her attend or should I stay well out of it?

[Margot33]

Just read your update. I think you're right to pull the plug on it. It has disaster written all over it. Thing is if girls go and pass out from alcohol, they might wake up knowing they've had sex but can't remember if it's consensual. That's when the shit hits the fan. Because they are all still children. The police, school, social services and other parents will be involved too. Its just not worth it.

[IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE]

I spoke to DS last night about his idea for inviting ex and he said that they are still friends but current girlfriend does not know they are friends because back in December when he broke up with ex and got with current girlfriend the girls ended up having an argument with each other so he does not what his girlfriend to know he still speaks to ex.
 
I told him I am considering pulling the plug on the trip and he did not seem too bothered his response went along the lines of “cool, cancel it I will just arrange something else” I questioned what else he had in mind and he just shrugged and went out.

DS1 then told me that DS2 he has been with his ex and her friends a lot recently and he thinks that they could be back together.

My head is honestly spinning with him, I tried to speak to my husband about this and he was of the attitude of just leave him to get on with it and don’t get involved he will learn his own lessons.

[rebecca102]

Stay out of it. Would you like it if the role was reversed? Probably not so don't do it to other parents..yeah not cool.

[edgeofheaven]

They’ve only been together since December and already having sex? You said it was a few months back they were caught in the act. No wonder the girls parents have panicked.

Please have a talk with your DS about safe and responsible sex!

[IncrediblySadToo]

he just shrugged and went out

...and you let him?

FMD the entitled, rude little shit. He wouldn’t be getting away with that if he was mine. No bloody way.

As for his Dad, that’s a reasonable attitude when kids are having arguments, it’s not adequate when DS is fucking around, treating young teenage girls like interchangeable wank socks and definitely not ‘none of your business’ at FIFTEEN. If his parents aren’t going to instill some decency in him, who is?!

[TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe]

He is 17 turning 18 Incrediblysad. Though I agree with you on all other counts.

I would cancel the logcabin as it's likely to go wrong no matter what and you're going to upset family if it does.

[TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe]

Nope 16 turning 17. Ignore me.

[PeoniesandPretties]

Good god he's turning 17, think about what we were all up to at that age. Set some boundaries and stay out of it, I would of been mortified if at that age my mum was posting on a forum asking for advice over this. Just let him enjoy his day, I say this as a mother of both!

[TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe]

You wouldn't be bothered if your daughter's boyfriend tried to get his mother to lie to you so he could have sex with your daughter and then said if he couldn't have her he'd replace her with his ex?

That's a special kind of bad parenting.

[coolestmum]

Your son is every girl's parents' nightmare.

This. I have a 16 year old and I really fear that she could encounter some asshole like this as her first boyfriend.

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

edgeofheaven Please have a talk with your DS about safe and responsible sex! I'm glad you agree with me now about talking sensibly to teens about sex.

PeoniesandPretties you're right, you do have to think back to being this age to realise how stupid teenagers are. The request for OP to lie to the GF's parents is a typical shitty unthought out teenage thing to do; akin to millions of other shitty unthought out things they do and suggest to get out of or into various things. It isn't necessarily a slippery slope to worse and worse behaviour but it definitely needs keeping an eye on and boundaries being set and reinforced.

[mathanxiety]

IonlySMOKE
What is happening here, I strongly suspect, is that your DS is playing one girl off against the other for sex. Telling the ex GF that she has a chance to be the Number One GF again if she has sex with him, and pressing the current GF for sex and to defy her parents if she wants to still have a BF.

Your DS's dad's attitude is the reason for your DS's appalling behaviour. The idea that a teenage boy is going to learn anything from any of this is laughable. All he will learn is that he can get away with manipulation and lies.

The only person who is going to learn anything from this, and hopefully not in the form of a lifelong commitment to a baby whose father has moved on with his life, is the girl. She is so lucky she has parents who care for her.

If your DS won't apply a boot to your DS's behind then you need to.
Does he have a phone?
Who pays for it?

You need to try to contact the GFs and sit them down. Tell them the truth about your DS's behaviour. Ask them if he pressured them into having sex. These girls need to get together and compare notes.
Call the current girlfriend's parents and apologise to them for the trouble your DS has caused and that they are right to have been angered by his conduct in their house and the deceit. (Having sex under their roof was turf marking, btw, on your DS's part).

Don't tiptoe around your DS. Don't let him get away with the game he is playing. Do not let him treat you or any other woman like a mug.

[pallisers]

You need to try to contact the GFs and sit them down. Tell them the truth about your DS's behaviour. Ask them if he pressured them into having sex. These girls need to get together and compare notes.

Is this serious advice? The boy's mother should facilitate a "lets share notes about sex with my son Bobby" session". For real? How about the mother just sits down with her son and has a conversation about proper behaviour for him without involving the 2 girls at all. OP sounds fairly hands-off with him - maybe she needs to not be and needs to start a continuing conversation about good sexual behaviour, consent etc.

[edgeofheaven]

TheLittleDogLaughed

I was never against talking to the kids about sex.

Dunno why you insist on mischaracterising my posts.

[mathanxiety]

Yes, it's serious advice. The DS is not receptive to the OP's line of reasoning. He walked out when she tried talking to him and sadly his father has shrugged his shoulders and made it clear that the DS's behaviour is perfectly acceptable. The OP is wasting her time trying to talk to him.

It's not to 'share notes about sex with my Bobby', but to try to get both girls to end whatever competition there may be between them for the worthless Bobby. Also to potentially show both of them that he is feeding them both the same line (I suspect he is playing them off against each other) in order to get some action. It's not always clear to girls that they are being used, and it would be a kindness to both of them to tell them that, and that they deserve far better.

It's also to show Bobby who is actually the boss.
If the OP sits wringing her hands about how Bobby won't listen to her and just sails nonchalantly out of the house when she tries to talk to him (which he has done) she can and should take matters into her own hands. Getting the two girls into the same room to learn he has been playing them is a good way to get his attention.

[TinselAndKnickers]

Your son sounds like a bit of a dick. Definitely cancel!

[EmeraldShamrock]

He sounds like a player or a very insecure teen, missing something, I do not how my DS will be as teen but I hope by then my constant talk of respect, boundaries, gets engrained in his brain.
I would be very disappointed if he grew up, acting like your DS.
His dad's reaction is typical stereotype. In my eyes what is accepted for my DS, should be acceptable for DD, mine or another mothers DD.

[pallisers]

Math, if you asked my 17 year old daughter over to your house with another girl to discuss her/their sex life with your son, you have no idea what storm I would bring about your head.

Get a grip.

[pallisers]

Getting the two girls into the same room to learn he has been playing them is a good way to get his attention.

Yeah because it is all about the boy. Seriously! These girls are real people with real lives who do not exist to teach lessons to this 16 year old. I can't believe you think this stuff is ok.

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

It's a bit hard to keep making assumptions about the innocence and vulnerability of the DS's GF when no information has been given about her whatsoever. She may be perfectly able to stand up for herself and be aware of the stupid games boys play at this age. She may be more or less sexually active than the DS - she may not be that invested in this boy. Who knows?

He's not coming across as a particularly mastermind Lothario from what OP has said so far.

[IncrediblySadToo]

TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe. Yes I realised my error in my last post about his age, but not until after I’d sent it. I should have posted again to correct it really.

15 or 16, I still feel the same though. Far too young to be left to get on with it when he’s treating at least two girls like wank socks. I know you do too.

Let him enjoy the day. Sure, why not just let him and lots of his mates take two 16 year old girls away to a cabin. I mean, he’s just SO respectful you’ll know nothing could possibly go wrong.

You wouldn't be bothered if your daughter's boyfriend tried to get his mother to lie to you so he could have sex with your daughter and then said if he couldn't have her he'd replace her with his ex? That's a special kind of bad parenting

Isn’t it just?! FFS.

[YemenRoadYemen]

Understanding a little more from this thread why there's such a glut of shit men about.

And realising it actually IS because their parents are completely hands-off.

We go to all this effort telling our girls to do this, that and the other, and not to do X, Y, Z. But it really does make jack all difference, if we're not also advising our boys.

[TheLittleDogLaughed]

YemenRoadYemen sweeping generalisations there.

[SandyY2K]

It's great to have a close relationship with your kids, but if my child asked me to lie to another child's parent, I'd wonder what gave them the impression they thought I'd collude with them.

When I watch 16 and pregnant with my DDs, I draw their attention to how easy it is for boys to walk away and their lives carry on as normal.

The idea of talking to the parents or the girls isn't wise.... ad a parent you need to know when to step back.

[mathanxiety]

It's not to discuss the sex.

They need to get together to discuss whether he told each of them the same thing, whether her pressured them by threatening to leave one/return to the other.

I think she would be doing both girls a favour if it turns out the DS is the sort of boy I think he is.

She would also be showing him that she is not to be walked out on, disregarded, and treated as if she is irrelevant apart from whatever domestic duties she performs for the family.

I don't see a downside to having an adult show these girls that she has concerns for them and suspicions that her son is using both of them.

She can't step back any further than she has already stepped back. She needs to reclaim a role here.