he asked me to lie to her parents

[IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE]

Ds is turning 17 in a few weeks, he initially asked to have a few friends over which we agreed to however he changed his mind and asked for us to organise for him and a few mates to stay over night at SIL log cabin.

The cabin has been booked for the weekend after his birthday for him and 5 others including his girlfriend, ds has asked me to tell his girlfriends parents that I will be at the log cabin supervising otherwise his girlfriend won’t be allowed to attend.

Basically the back story is girlfriends dad walked in on them a few months ago and caught them in the act and has now forbidden any staying overnight with each other.

The problem is I am not going to be at the cabin and I really cant lie to her parents, I know it will ruin ds night if she is not there, would it be unreasonable to speak to her parents and try to convince them to let her attend or should I stay well out of it?

Do you think DS will tell his mum what the actual arrangements are? Or will he tell her what he thinks she wants to hear, and then tell you that everything is OK?

I wouldn't lie. I'd be furious if a DC bf/GF parent lied to me about something like this.

However, if my DC and/or their gf/bf decided to lie, it's their choice. I'd try and talk them out if it. I'd make it clear that I also wouldn't like if there was any checking up by other parents.

I'd also make sure they're using condoms and having regular GU check ups etc

Having said all that, the GF parents are deluded. They can't stop them having sex.

You made the right decision. Regardless of the sex what kind of example would you have shown your son had you lied? It sounds like your son needs to learn a few things

1. If his girlfriends parents found out you/he had lied it would destroy any future relationship he hopes to have with them. It sounds like his relationship with her parents is on rocky ground because of the previous incident.
2. It’s his girlfriends responsibility to convince her parents not his.
3. Future lesson. You shouldn’t lie to get your own way. No one will respect or trust you if you do. Out of interest does he often lie or manipulate people/situations to get his own way?

Struggling to understand the posters on here advocating you lie.

You're right to refuse to lie.

Hypothetically, if you were there, would you be policing who slept with who? I'm just wondering what your DS thinks the difference would be in his GF's parent's minds if you were there. Or if your older DS is there. I also wonder why the GF's parents are against sex at night! Doesn't seem much different to sex in the day to me.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. My dd (coming up to 17) has a boyfriend and they are sexually active. And no, I'd rather they weren't but it's actually quite impossible to watch them every second they are together and as they are very loving and are a positive influence on each other, I don't want to stop them seeing each other. I count my blessings that dd has a boyfriend and isn't doing the random shagging around at parties (and in the park after school) that many of her friends seem to be doing, which their parents know nothing about.

They aren't allowed to spend the night together, but that is a rule laid down by his parents. From my perspective, it doesn't seem to be much of a step to take seeing as they are already having sex. At least you know where they are and that they are safe.

Struggling to understand the posters on here advocating you lie.

I don't think anyone has, have they?

I've not seen a single poster doing that

YemenRoadYeman. As an example, I am assuming you missed the below on page 1 when reading the thread?

I’d lie for them. Because her parents are utter twats, assuming they’re both over 16, they’re allowed to have sex ffs

I'm on the app, so I don't have pages.

Yes I did miss that, but there's always one numpty. The overwhelming majority have said, quite vociferously, don't lie.

And the OP has repeated that she won't lie and has told her son that.

YemenRoadYemen. Totally agree with you. It wouldn’t be MN though if there wasn’t at least one comment that leaves you scratching your head.

Did you say anything to your DS about his attitude? He asked you to lie. Yy you said 'no' and that's fine but there's an issue that he asked you to lie in the first place. He's hardly sounding like someone you should trust on a weekend away on his own. Let's hope he's got more respect for his older sibling than he has for his gf's DPs.

If they are both old enough and mature enough to be having sex then I presume they are old enough to talk to her parents together and for him to ask them if she can come to his birthday and stay over. If he behaves like a maturing adult rather than an immature teenager who need his Mum to lie for him he will get a lot further and may even earn the respect of her parents...

AnneOfCleanTables I think he was being a teenager, chancing his luck. They are really quite stupid at times. I don't think it's a horrendous lie with a capital L.

If I were the girl's parents and you or your DS rocked up with the suggestion that a 19 year old and his mate would supervise this weekend at the cabin I would greet you with the business end of a shotgun.

You have decided not to lie, fine.

But you have also decided that your DS's special birthday is more important to you than the wishes of the GF's parents, and you have in effect told DS that too.

You are teaching your son a very bad lesson here because very obviously a NO from them means nothing to you. You are teaching him that his sense of entitlement must be pandered to even if that pits a girl against her parents.

You are teaching him to disregard a NO when it comes to getting sex (let's face it, this is going to happen at the cabin), and that NO means 'push harder to persuade'. This is just about the worst thing you could teach your son.

Not really is it? She is looking for a compromise and said will not lie!

Wow some of these replies are dramatic!

OP you have come up with a potential solution and will have to see what they say, it is obviously down to the GF parents.

She needs to lie & say she’s staying at a friends. Old school. You of course know nothing 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wouldn't be at all happy if an adult lied to me about my son/daughter's whereabouts and who is there as an adult. Even if you knew that nothing bad was going to happen it wouldn't be right.

Use a mirror. What if she were your daughter?

Sex leads to offspring. She has much more to lose than a bad birthday. Even if she terminates, it isn't an easy decision.

Frankly, "staying overnight" isn't going to stop them from having sex.

Yes, I am "old fashioned" but I would tell my son that it's pretty disrespectful to ask you to lie. To both sets of parents.

I always tell my daughter, "I have never met a grown woman who said 'I am SO glad that my parents let me run wild.'"

Again. I am old fashioned but extremely grateful now that my parents were old fashioned too.

OMG, why the hell would you lie for them. They might be over 16 but who wants their child to be a parent at such a young age. If they were mature they would not engage and wait but they are not giving any thought to "if you are old enough to do the act then you are old enough to be parents". It's OK for the guy cos he might stick around for a bit and then what if he gets bored. The girl has no choice this baby is in her growing whether she likes it or not. I would not lie for my son at all for something like that. The fact he was caught engaging I would be livid at him asking him if he's ready to be a daddy for ever. If the answer is no then it would be like "then hell why are you engaging in sex, is it because it's easier for the male to up and still have their cake-life and eat it" Don't do that to any girl and this is what I'm teaching my gorgeous son. Too many irresponsible parents that would just lie without considering the worst case scenario already nearly happen and could happen again and then how would the mother feel knowing it's because she lied and gave them the green light. Men don't appear to be responsible with their sons at best mothers need to now take on that job - cos men aren't doing it. NO LYING!!!

Do not lie. The fact he got caught by his girlfriends father, I hope you gave your son the responsibility of a father serious chat! Basically, if he's not willing to be a father yet then he has no business considering doing the act. It's very selfish of your son to want to have sex with her just cos she wants to also consent. Well he doesn't have a womb so he should at least be sensible and you need to install that in him. He's just going the stereotypical way as what you expect selfish, narcissitic all about his pleasure (to say he has had sex) at the expense that potentially he could get her pregnant - then what. Is he going to commit his whole life to that baby and her. Have a chat with him and make him be more responsible for his actions rather than making your son as yet another stereotypical Joe Bloggs that's up for sex if presented without considering the consequences. Cos he's not entitled to sex just because it's presented because that baby does not have a choice when born!!! Ansy pansy mother - the fathers are ansy pansy so as mothers we can't be!!

How did you come to that conclusion Math? She's said she's going to tell him to explain to her parents and then abide by their decision.

Honestly, some of you are off your rockers.

I'm guessing Math came to that conclusion because the gf's parents said she could only stay if a parent was there. Instead of respecting that, OP and her two DS are going back with a different scenario. They're pushing at a boundary that's been set.
I think Math is completely correct about the negative message it's sending about consent, respect and manipulation.

As the gf is of the age of consent, then lie.

Why? They're going to shag anyways, but it's better in a safe environment than doing it anywhere they feel they can

Or why not camp out if you feel you can't lie, as the dad is being an old fashioned prick.

It's not like your ds is well over 20 and the gf is just 16, they're the same age (give or take)

Where in context is the cabin to SIL? Is it bottom of her garden or somewhere in the woods?

If end of the garden, then stay at SIL

Someone’s been at the bottle 🙄🤣

That is exactly my reasoning, AnneOfCleanTables - thank you for stating it more succinctly than I would have.

The parents' NO in the context of a sexual relationship that they have forbidden is taken as the start of a negotiation, and the OP, who really should know better since she is a woman, is driving this. A terrible lesson to teach a teenage boy, and exactly the opposite of what is needed in this world that is so unfair to girls and women, and so unequal.