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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

he asked me to lie to her parents

260 replies

IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 25/03/2019 13:54

Ds is turning 17 in a few weeks, he initially asked to have a few friends over which we agreed to however he changed his mind and asked for us to organise for him and a few mates to stay over night at SIL log cabin.

The cabin has been booked for the weekend after his birthday for him and 5 others including his girlfriend, ds has asked me to tell his girlfriends parents that I will be at the log cabin supervising otherwise his girlfriend won’t be allowed to attend.

Basically the back story is girlfriends dad walked in on them a few months ago and caught them in the act and has now forbidden any staying overnight with each other.

The problem is I am not going to be at the cabin and I really cant lie to her parents, I know it will ruin ds night if she is not there, would it be unreasonable to speak to her parents and try to convince them to let her attend or should I stay well out of it?

OP posts:

Schlerp · 26/03/2019 00:27

I guess there’s lying and there’s being economical with the truth...

pallisers · 26/03/2019 01:25

So God knows what a girl may end up putting up with in a situation like that.... they have put her more at risk with this than if they were reasonable about it.

Seriously? They put her at risk? And what does reasonable mean? Allowing her go to the party? So we give permission for everything as otherwise they will just lie? That isn't how a lot of teen/parent relationships work. Maybe this girl will lie - maybe she won't. OP hasn't said the girl is intending to lie - just that her own son (the one with the fairly easy-going parent who doesn't mind him having sex at home with his 16 year old girlfriend) is asking his mother to lie.

And if I told my 16 year old no to a party like this, I would certainly not say "oh sure love" when she innocently informed me she was staying over with her best friend Mary to study that same night.

Maybe these parents shouldn't be banning all overnights (although I think they have just banned the boy they found shagging their dd in their house - that might be a mistake but it isn't the same as locking up their daughter). But, personally, I wouldn't say yes to this party and I certainly wouldn't say yes to it for fear my daughter would lie and go anyway.

edgeofheaven · 26/03/2019 01:46

Definitely do not lie to them, don't get involved at all. Your DS and his GF need to work this out. You don't get to decide that someone else's parents are too strict. They don't want their DD having overnights with your DS, that's their right as parents to make a rule about it. It's up to the girl to defy them if she wishes.

Additionally I cannot believe anyone would be happy to have a bunch of 16 and 17 year olds in their holiday home without and adult present. That seems to be asking for trouble.

PregnantSea · 26/03/2019 01:51

Don't get involved. He's showing himself to be very immature in this situation. I'm gobsmacked that he would ask you to lie to someone else's parents for him, that's so cheeky and childish.

I would just say to him if he really wants you to say that you'll stay over then you will, but only if you actually do stay over with them and make sure that they are in seperate beds. His choice.

Birdie6 · 26/03/2019 02:28

If they are old enough to be having sex, they are old enough to work it out for themselves. Asking you to enable this is very childish . And the suggestion that you should stay there, so they can have a shag....oh dear no.

MidniteScribbler · 26/03/2019 02:28

There is no way in hell I'd be letting my 16 year old daughter go and stay overnight in a cabin with her boyfriend and other 16/17 year olds with no adults anywhere near by. I wouldn't let my 16 or 17 year old son do so either.

Margot33 · 26/03/2019 02:59

No dont lie. There could be an emergency and it will become apparent that you're not there. Her parent could sue you if she became injured. Is it a good idea to allow an unsurprised group of sixteen year olds in a lot cabin? Im suprised he was allowed to book it! Can you go, just in case.

YemenRoadYemen · 26/03/2019 03:27

I think I’d talk to her parents.

Just ... no.

How would that conversation even go...?

"My son would like to have sex with your daughter, please. He'd like her to stay overnight so that they can potentially do it quite a few times, without the fear of either you or I walking in and interrupting them."

"So, is that OK? Could you get back to me in the next couple of days, because then I have to discuss/organise my son and your daughter's sex life with my sister-in-law. Great - thanks!"

😂

I'm seriously dying for everyone involved.

YemenRoadYemen · 26/03/2019 03:28

And by the way, I'm not advocating lying for your devious little DS, I'm saying you should butt right out, and tell him to cop onto himself.

Kaleela · 26/03/2019 03:42

It's not your place to undermine the GFs DFs decision. I'd be pretty well disgusted if any BF of my daughter, at that age, thought he knew better than myself as her parent. What a joke. Do not lie for the disrespectful turd.

Monty27 · 26/03/2019 03:46

No no and no again.
For one thing you are teaching ds to lie.
For another thing if I were gfs dm and I found out I'd knock you out.
And that's even if nothing went wrong.

mathanxiety · 26/03/2019 04:38

What Bluntness said.

The fact that he is asking you to lie on his behalf, disrespect the GF's parents and involve you in something underhand, presumably with the GF in on the lie, makes the GF's parents' approach look very reasonable here. These two are not mature enough to be having sex.

Tinkerbell456 · 26/03/2019 05:10

Really awkward. I wouldn’t feel right lying to her parents I must say. What would be nice is if they could sit down with her parents and explain that while you respect their views, and obviously it won’t happen again under their roof, they are doing something completely legal. Reassure the parents that they are being careful ( as hopefully they are). Something tells me though that this discussion wouldn’t go so well.

edgeofheaven · 26/03/2019 05:19

What would be nice is if they could sit down with her parents and explain that while you respect their views, and obviously it won’t happen again under their roof, they are doing something completely legal.

What does that have to do with anything?

A lot of parents wouldn't let their 16 year old have overnights with a boyfriend/girlfriend or to go for a weekend at a cabin with no adult supervision - whether or not sex was going on. Do you allow your teenager to do anything they want as long as it's legal? There are limits that some teenagers need that come well before the law steps in.

Tinkerbell456 · 26/03/2019 05:24

You’re right edge of heaven in that I wouldn’t like my 16 year old having sex. I’d rather they were honest with me about it though, and felt that they could talk to me about any issues. I don’t have a teenager, or any kids, so it’s possible I would feel differently in reality.

Monty27 · 26/03/2019 05:27

Sex or no.sex. it's deceit

Tinkerbell456 · 26/03/2019 05:27

That’d be my sticking point, Monty.

edgeofheaven · 26/03/2019 05:38

Tinkerbell456 it's not about sex. The girl's parents can make whatever rules they like. It's the girl's problem surely not OP's.

My DM is a huge worrier and she always made us have a very early curfew, like 10/11 PM even when I was 18 or older and home from uni. She couldn't sleep because she was worrying about us being in a car accident or something. So her reasoning was, I can't be up until 1 AM waiting for you so you need to come home so I can sleep.

I can imagine that if my BF's parents had turned up and explained to her that she was being too strict, she'd just have shown them the door!

I hated her rules

edgeofheaven · 26/03/2019 05:41

Oops cut off!

I hated her rules at the time but I survived.

GirlFliesHome · 26/03/2019 05:43

I think like some others that having 4 boys and 2 girls overnight n cabin on their own is risky at that age. 2 of them are having sex in that cabin- what are the others doing? Playing chess? It is potentially- knowingly- putting young people in a vulnerable and dangerous situation that all of them may regret.

Lying to other parents to facilitate the sexual urgings of your son is very wrong IMO. If your son wants to be an adult, then this is an adult lesson- sometimes you jut can't have what you want when you want it.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 26/03/2019 05:57

No way on all counts from me too. House party in a relatives property unsupervised, for a group of sixteen year olds where you lie to another parent? 😂

I did read the thread but may have missed it, but no one seems to be mentioning alcohol possibly being added to an already poor mix. As a mother of grown up young adults, I would also suggest that there may also be Strongbow Dark Fruits or worse in copious attendance at this party too.

The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster.

kateandme · 26/03/2019 05:59

do the parents think if you were there you would stop them having sex?

Original poster

IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 26/03/2019 08:04

I already told ds I cant lie for them

I was thinking about asking my older ds if maybe him and a mate could go to supervise

I just want ds to enjoy his birthday, he was given the choice what he would like to do to celebrate and he chose the cabin I think hes a little past pizza hut and bowling now

I just thought if I spoke to her parents and see if we could come to some sort of agreement like my older son going then maybe it would have helped

OP posts:

ALittleBitofVitriol · 26/03/2019 08:16

No, he's sleeping with their daughter, he can man up and discuss it with them.

Either way, he should be respecting them and their rules.

He can still enjoy his birthday, don't let him be so dramatic. He's grown up enough to be having sex, he can compromise and deal with a less than ideal birthday.

Expecting that people should lie for him, change their rules for him or change their plans to facilitate his wants (your other ds supervising) would not be an attitude I would be happy with.

qazxc · 26/03/2019 08:30

I'd just tell the parents what the arrangements are and let them decide if they will let their DD attend. I think anything else might be construed as stepping other the line and has the potential of making things harder for DS and his gf down the line.

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