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Original poster

he asked me to lie to her parents

260 replies

IonlySMOKEwhenIMonFIRE · 25/03/2019 13:54

Ds is turning 17 in a few weeks, he initially asked to have a few friends over which we agreed to however he changed his mind and asked for us to organise for him and a few mates to stay over night at SIL log cabin.

The cabin has been booked for the weekend after his birthday for him and 5 others including his girlfriend, ds has asked me to tell his girlfriends parents that I will be at the log cabin supervising otherwise his girlfriend won’t be allowed to attend.

Basically the back story is girlfriends dad walked in on them a few months ago and caught them in the act and has now forbidden any staying overnight with each other.

The problem is I am not going to be at the cabin and I really cant lie to her parents, I know it will ruin ds night if she is not there, would it be unreasonable to speak to her parents and try to convince them to let her attend or should I stay well out of it?

OP posts:
ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 25/03/2019 18:31

In a year or two they’ll all (possibly) be at University with zero adult supervision 24/7.

And how are they meant to cope with that if they’re watched like fucking hawks beforehand Hmm

cardibach · 25/03/2019 18:35

Just to add another perspective, are you sire the Gf is in in this? When I was 16 I wanted to go on a weekend away with an activity group I attended with my boyfriend. My parents were a bit dubious, and boyfriend’s sister phoned them to say she was taking a camper van and I could sleep in that. It was a lie. I didn’t know what to do, it was frightening and I felt betrayed. I went along with it and,as it happened, it was ok. Ok until my parents found out, that is. They wouldn’t believe I hadn’t known and it caused a real problem in my relationship with them.

Scrumptiousbears · 25/03/2019 18:36

Do you really think it's ok to let six 16 year olds to spend a weekend away together without adult supervision? That is a recipe for disaster let alone a lie to the parents. No way on all parts.

3timeslucky · 25/03/2019 18:39

*In a year or two they’ll all (possibly) be at University with zero adult supervision 24/7.

And how are they meant to cope with that if they’re watched like fucking hawks beforehand hmm*

Well for a start they'll be two years older.

And there's a world of difference between being "watched like fucking hawks" and a group of 16 year olds spending the night together with no supervision. Plenty of middle ground to be played around in.

AnyFucker · 25/03/2019 18:41

You must be fucking crazy to

  1. even consider lying to a 16yo's family
  2. pander to your son like this. I would give him an absolute rocket up the arse for attempting to be so devious and manipulative
  3. allow a bunch of teens unfettered overnight access to a holiday cabin

Madness. All of it.

Bagitup · 25/03/2019 18:44

Do not lie to a 16 year old girl’s parents.

She might be (just) over the age of consent but she is pretty fucking young.

pallisers · 25/03/2019 18:45

And how are they meant to cope with that if they’re watched like fucking hawks beforehand hmm

maybe they'll cope with it the same way 16 year olds who have zero adult supervision do - except with a bit more maturity because they'll be 2 years older.

OP, your SIL is some brave woman to give her holiday home to 6 unsupervised 16/17 year olds.

AnyFucker · 25/03/2019 18:46

I bloody hope your darling son hasn't told your SIL that you will be there to supervise

juneau · 25/03/2019 18:46

The more I think about this the more uncomfortable I am about you condoning a bunch of 16/17 year olds getting up to who knows what on their own in a cabin with no adult supervision. I'm also a bit grossed out by the idea of you, a parent, facilitating your DS having sex. It's one thing to accept that it happens and/or allowing it under your roof, quite another to consider lying to the girl's parents in order to facilitate it. Your judgement is seriously questionable IMO.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2019 18:53

Actually a valid point has been raised. Does your sister in law know the kids will be there unsupervised? It's a rare person who would give a bunch of sixteen and seventeen year olds their place over night and alone.

In fact it's a rare parent who will permit it.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 25/03/2019 19:05

Even well brought up kids can still be daft in a group at that age

This. I work with teenagers and even the loveliest, brightest, most sensible ones I know would probably go a bit wild if left to their own devices in a cabin for a weekend with no adults checking on them. I'd be staying in the cabin but making myself scarce.

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 25/03/2019 19:07

Are the boys all 17/18 and the girls 16? I think thats another huge red flag for me in terms of safe guarding. No reason a bunch of 18 year olds can't be on their own (though, no I wouldn't want them in MY cabin) but not right to facilitate them bringing a 16 year old to a party with drinks and probably sex.

Ribbonsonabox · 25/03/2019 20:23

Goodness me I'd left home when I was 16 and was living in a house share with my boyfriend in a different country to my parents!
Cannot fathom the way some people on mumsnet think of 16 year old.... youd be disgusted if they were having sex... its 'awful'...'I'd never let them stay overnight anywhere unsupervised'... what planet do you live on?... what on earths going to happen when they move out to go to uni, they arent going to have a clue what to do, they are going to be terrified!

But I dont think OP should lie. I wouldn't lie even though I do not agree with the choices of the girls parents. She is their child. It sets a terrible example to the OPs son too... hes putting his gf at risk of her parents anger and also putting her in a position where she is not going to be able to leave if shes uncomfortable because she wont be able to contact her parents to come and get her without admitting she lied...
OP your son will survive her not being there... that relationship will not survive the lie in all likelihood, her parents will also probably hate him if they ever find out

Pinkyyy · 25/03/2019 20:51

Are the people you have rented the log cabin from aware that there will be no adults supervising a group of 16 year olds overnight? It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

That aside, you need to respect what her parents say. You have no right to lie to them and override a rule they have put in place for their daughter, if she wants to challenge it then she needs to do so herself.

pallisers · 25/03/2019 20:52

what on earths going to happen when they move out to go to uni, they arent going to have a clue what to do, they are going to be terrified!

What will happen is probably much the same as what happened when you moved out at 16. They'll get on with being an actual adult. Were you terrified when you moved out at 16 with your boyfriend? If not, why do you think an 18 year old would be?

It is actually perfectly ok for a 16 year old NOT to be living a completely independent life with adult responsibilities. No evidence it sets them up for a life of fear and dependency.

AnyFucker · 25/03/2019 20:55

Where has op gone ?

Shamoogren · 25/03/2019 21:11

Err have you taken leave of your senses??

Ribbonsonabox · 25/03/2019 21:59

@pallisers I'm not saying all 16 year olds should be living independent lives with complete adult responsobilities! My point was it seems nuts to suggest that sex at that age is 'awful' or to police 16 year olds to the extent they cannot be anywhere overnight without supervision... seems very odd to me given that legally they can go and live alone... I wasnt meaning to imply that i think they SHOULD go and live alone... just a bit confused at how some people on here seem to think they are helpless children. IMO the time for that is long gone when they have turned 16... you are now relying on the framework of trust and responsibility that you have hopefully set up when they were younger... because gone are the days you can forbid them from doing this and that and going there etc etc... and if you are still relying on 'forbidding' them I personally think that's a recipe for disaster because it's not setting them up for life, to have confidence in their own choices and moral decisions.. (that are hopefully pretty good since you have raised them).... is it?

AnyFucker · 25/03/2019 22:28

Have you got a 16yo ribbons ?

pallisers · 25/03/2019 22:31

I get what you are saying Ribbons and agree that you build up responsibility and trust. But you did say that "they will be terrified" when they move out at 18. That really isn't my experience - both personally and for my children.

In general I find it a bit odd when people say about drinking or sex or living independently that if they aren't doing it at 16, they'll have their stomachs pumped/not know how to have sex/blow up the washing machine in their room if they do it at 18. Why does that not apply at 16? Should they have been doing it at 14?

When mine were 16 they probably would not be staying in a log cabin with 4 boys and another girl with no adult supervision for a weekend. (youngest is 17 now). I would say no to a party like that because the potential for disaster is huge - if only vomit everywhere (I really do wonder if the aunt knows what is going on). I appreciate some 16 year olds are living independently at that point but mine aren't/weren't and it wasn't something I aspired to for them - nor did they. The older 2 managed fine when they headed off to university away from home at 18 and I expect the 17 year old will too. I'm sure there were some issues that weren't shared with me which was fine - if it was serious they'd ask for my help and otherwise they are 18 and among 18 year olds and have enough experience to figure it out. If not -well that's the way it goes with younger adults - sometimes they mess up and need help. getting your disasters out of the way at 16 doesn't seem like a strategy to me.

Ribbonsonabox · 25/03/2019 23:03

Pallisers but it's not just that party the girls parents have said no to... it's any overnights, and specifically because they dont want her having sex according to the OP.
I do think that's ridiculous because it causes situations like this one in which thier child is intending to lie to them... which actually puts her in more danger doesnt it, because as I've said now she cannot ring them if she wants to leave because then she will have to admit she lied... so God knows what a girl may end up putting up with in a situation like that.... they have put her more at risk with this than if they were reasonable about it.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 25/03/2019 23:13

If my 17 year old son is man enough to be having sex, he's man enough to deal with the consequences - not ask mummy to lie for him.

If he cares for his girlfriend, then he will show respect for her parents (even if he disagrees) and support her relationship with them. Not encourage her to lie, and ask his mummy to help!

DizzyPhillips · 25/03/2019 23:31

Yeah I wouldn’t let my 16 year old daughter anywhere near this tbh.

Lovingbenidorm · 25/03/2019 23:32

I’ve found this post really interesting.
The variety of opinions have really got me thinking.
There’s so many issues going on like
Age of consent
Son or daughter
One day you’re 16, next you’re 17, difference?
Unsupervised teens etc etc etc
My feelings are that a 16yo is not an adult, and still very much being parented, well, mine were/are.
It’s a time for stretching boundaries, allowing them to make choices and risks (not sexual) but still being there as a safety net.
I fully understand that it’s a very short time til university and leaving home with no parents to watch, but isn’t it the time to ensure they have the skills to cope?
To those of you that left home at 16, I accept that you have a very different take on this.
Aaaaaaanyway,
No, I would not be happy at all about my kids (Male or female) spending a weekend, unsupervised in a cabin at that age,
And if I discovered that I had been lied to about such arrangements, ‘ape shit’ wouldn’t cover it.
Sorry to have banged on

AgentJohnson · 26/03/2019 00:10

Lie to his gf parents, hell no! It shows a lack of maturity him even asking, old enough to go away with his gf but not mature enough with dealing with the consequences of having a 16 year old gf.

Asking mummy to lie on his behalf, says all you need to know about your son’s maturity level. As a parent I would not be comfortable with my 16 year old daughter staying overnight with 4 boys, without a responsible adult being on site. In short my answer wouldn’t be no, it would be hells no!!!! I can’t believe you think this is a dilemma.

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