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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be OK with this being how we start our life together

172 replies

inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 09:54

My DP asked me to move in with him at the end of last summer. He owned a house with his siblings (and they all lived there together) and I rented a flat with a friend. My tenancy was up in November but he said that was too soon to buy them out / give them time to find somewhere else to live. I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

Fast forward to this month and I moved in – the sale is complete and he owns the house. However, both siblings are still there so there is very little room for all my stuff – they do have plans to move out in the next month or so and I can live with the squeeze however – his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. He is refusing to put any pressure on his siblings or ask his parents to find a hotel and I feel angry.

I signed up to living with him as a couple and I went off and did this 6 month house share so that we could start our ‘grown up’ life together in the right way but instead all my stuff is boxed up because there’s no room to unpack and I am living with my boyfriend and his entire family – I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut and hasn’t even had a clear out of his room to make space for my stuff.

It is short term and he keeps saying how it’s my home and he wants it to be our home together and I need to see the bigger picture which I can….. but I am just wondering if I am the only woman that would frankly feel quite pissed off at this?!

I would like to add that his family are lovely and welcoming but I still can't really relax around them totally.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2019 09:57

I'd hate it. And the no key thing is ridiculous.

Are you paying any money?

KC225 · 25/03/2019 10:00

No way. That is awful. Can you go and stay with a friend? At least until this has been sorted out? Perhaps take some leave and visit someone you have been meaning to ages - you can splice the time.

Babdoc · 25/03/2019 10:01

OP, I don’t think he has any intention of living as a couple. And not even giving you your own key is a big red flag.
Is he from a different culture, where extended family all live in each other’s pockets? I have the feeling you are being expected to fit in at the bottom of the pecking order.
I’d leave, personally, but it’s your call.

ScatteredMama82 · 25/03/2019 10:01

I think I'd be finding my own little place to rent and tell him that you'll think again about moving in when there is actually space for you in the house.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 25/03/2019 10:04

I think I’d be taking my unpacked boxes and moving out again.

LetsSplashMummy · 25/03/2019 10:04

Can the two of you find a one bed flat, just yours until his house is empty?

There's been no motivation for him to do anything or have any awkward conversations, you've done all the legwork and had all the hassle. Hopefully he's just laid back, not stubborn, but he's not seeing it from your POV. Don't pay a penny of rent until you are living like he promised.

Alsohuman · 25/03/2019 10:06

The clue is in your OP - “he owns the house”. You’re looking at sharing his house with his family for six weeks, that doesn’t seem so dreadful to me. You do need a key, though, that’s ridiculous.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 25/03/2019 10:06

Honestly? I’d move straight back out again. How can he say it’s your home if you don’t even have a key?! As others have said- massive red flag here.

bordellosboheme · 25/03/2019 10:06

Not giving you a key?. Id move straight back out again. Get out before you get deeper in.

PurpleWithRed · 25/03/2019 10:06

Presumably you haven’t been able to unpack so you can just move right out again.

No key? Are you contributing financially?

timeisnotaline · 25/03/2019 10:06

You don’t get a key and he hasn’t even cleared out any space for you in his room? Go stay with someone else until he has changed that. You can’t start a life together as an ignored doormat.

Hearhere · 25/03/2019 10:07

He is sending you a clear message that you are the least important and the lowliest person in the household
having established that it will therefore follow that you are the person who naturally does all the menial lowly work

FullOfJellyBeans · 25/03/2019 10:07

I'd find a short term let. How can you not even have a key? I got a key cut for a friend who stayed with us for a week. He sounds like he's treating you as an accessory rather than an equal partner.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 25/03/2019 10:07

I would move back out again.

MzHz · 25/03/2019 10:12

Absolutely move back out! He’s not making you welcome, he’s not even made space for you!

I had the same with my ex, I had a fucking CHAIR to put stuff in my bedroom! No shelf, no wardrobe space, nothing.

I kicked off (we were abroad) and he made some space, but I felt so low and unwanted. My ex was abusive, so it was the tip of the iceberg for me.

I’m not saying this is the case for you, but you need to show that man that if you’re moving in, he needs to make that process easy and welcoming

If he’s just given his siblings carte blanche and his parents haven’t even considered that 6 weeks might be a burden then tyoure fighting a losing battle - until he’s made to see.

Get yourself a new apartment and give yourself and this bloke another 6m to get this back on track... or you can move on generally

I’d take this as a red flag for a man who can’t say no to his family...

SuziQ10 · 25/03/2019 10:16

Sounds like he isn't on the same wavelength with this. Doesn't sound like he's really taking you into consideration.

It is his house though, so if he wants his parents / siblings there then that's up to him. He clearly doesn't view you as an equal tenant. Discuss it with him but be prepared to move out.

ReadingInReading · 25/03/2019 10:16

This does not bode well, OP. What does he expect you to do without a key??

I wouldn't have moved in with the siblings still living there, personally, but it's done now.

I echo PPs, is this a culture clash? It sounds like you both have different expectations.

IncrediblySadToo · 25/03/2019 10:16

You’d be a fool not to move out again. Find another rental and decide what you want to do about renting/buying on your own. That will always be HIS house and you will be treat like this. His family will always come before you. You’ll pay your share and have nothing to show for it. MOVE OUT.

Loopytiles · 25/03/2019 10:17

Move back out.

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/03/2019 10:17

No way would I be putting up with this. No key? What planet is he on?? Hopefully you are not contributing financially to this fiasco of a relationship-....

SummersOnMars · 25/03/2019 10:18

Find somewhere else to stay until everyone else has F'ed Off.

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 25/03/2019 10:18

I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut

Refusing? What are his reasons? He clearly doesn’t consider this your home at all. Load your stuff up and leave.

Tiptoetiptoetiptoe · 25/03/2019 10:20

As PP have said, it’s his house and he’s showing you that it is.
You will have little to no say in what happens with it in future, even if you’re helping to pay the mortgage.
It doesn’t sound brilliant.

Ofthread · 25/03/2019 10:20

I've been there, don't do it. If it's a long-term thing, what are the plans for you buying into the house/going on the deeds? Don't pay the mortgage without any legal ownership, unless that's what you want to do and you're clear that you will have no rights to the house.

Keener · 25/03/2019 10:20

You’d be a fool not to move out again. Find another rental and decide what you want to do about renting/buying on your own.

This. Moving in together is an important thing, but he doesn't think so, because he seems to be thinking of you as just another houseshare person, mucking in with his family, probably in part because moving you into a house he owns with his family hasn't required any thought, planning, work or sacrifice on his part, the way it would if you'd both sold and moved out of separate homes in order to buy or rent together.

You are not a priority. I'd be moving out again pronto, finding my own place to live, and rethinking the relationship. Tell the useless fucker what the 'bigger picture' is from your point of view.

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