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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be OK with this being how we start our life together

172 replies

inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 09:54

My DP asked me to move in with him at the end of last summer. He owned a house with his siblings (and they all lived there together) and I rented a flat with a friend. My tenancy was up in November but he said that was too soon to buy them out / give them time to find somewhere else to live. I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

Fast forward to this month and I moved in – the sale is complete and he owns the house. However, both siblings are still there so there is very little room for all my stuff – they do have plans to move out in the next month or so and I can live with the squeeze however – his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. He is refusing to put any pressure on his siblings or ask his parents to find a hotel and I feel angry.

I signed up to living with him as a couple and I went off and did this 6 month house share so that we could start our ‘grown up’ life together in the right way but instead all my stuff is boxed up because there’s no room to unpack and I am living with my boyfriend and his entire family – I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut and hasn’t even had a clear out of his room to make space for my stuff.

It is short term and he keeps saying how it’s my home and he wants it to be our home together and I need to see the bigger picture which I can….. but I am just wondering if I am the only woman that would frankly feel quite pissed off at this?!

I would like to add that his family are lovely and welcoming but I still can't really relax around them totally.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 25/03/2019 11:12

And, if either of you doesn't want to shift straight into an agreement whereby you'd end up owning a proportion of his house / have your capital sunk into his house, which would seem a fair concern if you're at a 'moving in and hoping for the best without having made a lifelong commitment' stage in your relationship, then, a good option would be for you to save your 'rent' in a high-interest savings account. If and when you make a more permanent commitment to each other, you can then buy a portion of the house, or just use it to pay down the then joint mortgage when you marry.

thedisorganisedmum · 25/03/2019 11:12

I cannot comprehend an adult not having a key, honestly.

Even my friends who come over for the weekend are given a key!

Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 11:13

To be clear his parents have a key and you don’t. Wow!!

^^ no they don't. His siblings have their own keys as up until recently they owned the property - they will hand them back once they move out at the end of April and no one will have keys but us.

My annoyance is that it isn't an ideal situation to begin us living together in - I have no concern that I am being swindled financially (it works out a lot cheaper for me then when I was renting previously or if we rented somewhere together) plus I get to live in a nicer area than I could usually afford.

Overall, we have a very equal partnership when it comes to decisions and choices. I am just feeling annoyed at the situation and was unsure if I was being dramatic.

OP posts:
fedupandlookingforchange · 25/03/2019 11:16

You can own a share of the property for example a year of contributing to the mortgage could be a 2.5% share of the property. If you stay together your share increases as you pay over the years.
You would have to work out what would be a fair percentage and how this percentage would increase.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/03/2019 11:16

Not dramatic. Mostly, I think he's failing to understand that his good intentions and your wishes are not the same thing. That he needs to listen to you to find out what your wishes and priorities actually are.

katseyes7 · 25/03/2019 11:17

"He's a people pleaser".

He's not really pleasing you, though, is he? Everyone else but not you. l'd be out of there, l'm afraid. My ex was like this with his family. Thank god they never lived with us but he always put them before me. They could do no wrong. lt's not a good start, OP.

MollysLips · 25/03/2019 11:20

@AryaStarkWolf

I'd be genuinely interested to know what inspired your FFS.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/03/2019 11:23

Does he use phrases like 'but I thought you wanted...', 'but I did it for you...', 'but I'm trying my best...' or get upset when you tell him that what he's done wasn't what you wanted?

There's not always remembering to ask questions and listen to the answer but hearing and respecting what is said. Then there's thinking one knows better than another person what they want and what they think i.e. seeing them as an extension of oneself, not as a separate, autonomous person at all.

Tinkety · 25/03/2019 11:23

Fast forward to this month and I moved in

When did you move in? If you moved in 1st March & don’t have a key, that’s a big red flag. If you only moved in a few days ago though, then forgetting to cut an extra key because he’s been busy moving you in & the chaos that comes with a house full of guests then that’s understandable.

My tenancy was up in November

I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

I won't be paying any rent or bills until May, once everyone is gone.

Have you moved in earlier than originally planned? 6 months from November takes you to May which coincidentally is when you say you will start to pay rent & everyone will be gone. If you have moved in earlier then originally planned, you can’t really be upset if his siblings are still there / his parents are on a visit.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/03/2019 11:23

If he got the mortgage in order to buy the siblings out, surely the process should have ensured your BF had vacant possession, whether the previous owners were family or not?

Or did he just conveniently not mention that they'd be staying?

BIWI · 25/03/2019 11:24

I think the FFS was because of your 1950s-inspired post @MollysLips!

Jupiters · 25/03/2019 11:24

Not having a key is a massive red flag. If it was me I would either:

  1. go and get a key cut myself (if I was okay with the rest of the situation and honestly believed by May it would just be the 2 of us).
  2. look for a little place on my own/houseshare (if I didn't).

It does seem by trying to please everyone he is failing you. I'd worry about this as I wouldn't feel like I was a priority for him.

BlueSkiesLies · 25/03/2019 11:25

No key? It takes 5 mins to get a set of keys cut at one of the many key cutting shops!

Hasn't had a clear out in his room to make space? Mean.

Sounds altogether a bit shit and like you might not be on the same page. A Serious Talk is needed.

BIWI · 25/03/2019 11:25

@inlawsimnotsure I don't think you're being dramatic, but I do think you're being very naive.

ravenmum · 25/03/2019 11:26

Also finding the phrase "people pleaser" inappropriate. This reminds me of my ex. Sucked up to everyone to give a good impression - except me. I was just me, not worth impressing.

Did you know that there are men who really try to please their gf, because they want to make sure she sticks around?

A lodger would have a key. You haven't moved in, you're a visitor.

Jaxhog · 25/03/2019 11:29

Move out. If he doesn't respect you as an equal partner now, he never will.

Jaxhog · 25/03/2019 11:33

I don't see moving in with someone as "starting your life together". Getting married is starting a life together. Cohabitation is companionship, sex, splitting bills and easily kicking them out when you've had enough.

I agree! You might not like that this is true, but this is reality. It's his house, so you're just another lodger effectively.

Lifeover · 25/03/2019 11:33

The no key thing sound like a massive warning sign. Any serious relationship I’ve ever had I’ve had keysto my partners property even where not living together.

Move out into a6 month tenancy

SapatSea · 25/03/2019 11:35

Borrow his key and go and get a key cut at your own expense.

They are his parents, he can't really kick them out to go to a hotel, perhaps they paid a lot towards the property purchase originally. His siblings are in the process of moving. It's not a great start but it is temporary. However, if you can't cope with his family then take that asa warning of your life to come.

Mishappening · 25/03/2019 11:35

Not "letting" you have a key cut is a red flag with knobs on!

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 25/03/2019 11:36

So his siblings are moving out in a month, and you're angry that their plans didn't perfectly coincide with your end of short term tenancy? I'm assuming it took time for the sale to be processed and for them to have the funds to then start looking for places of their own, so six months is pretty good, and his parents are visiting, that's hardly long term. Suck it up for a few weeks. You sound quite hard work.

onionchucker · 25/03/2019 11:38

No key thing is ridiculous.
Why can't you go to a key-cutting place on your way home from work on one of the days when you have the key? What would he say?
Tell him the next time you have the key you are going to get one cut and if he makes any kind of objection then you need to get out ASAP because he has no concern for your needs.
Have you asked him to make room for your things and what did he say?

I'd like to bet the siblings don't move out in May - there'll be some kind of problem/delay and they'll be there until September and so on and so forth.

You probably shouldn't have moved in until they had all gone.
What are your options for alternative accommodation temporarily or permanently?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/03/2019 11:38

I wouldn't expect him to put me on the deeds of a property I haven't paid any deposit towards when we haven't lived together before

Neither would I; up to a point it's reasonable for him to protect himself. But if you want to stay for now I'd be very careful to save the difference between what the two homes cost you, and I definitely wouldn't be paying for anything except a share of the food and bills

I'd also want to make sure my contraception was absolutely rock solid, at least until my name was on that house or I was married (and preferably both)

WatcherintheRye · 25/03/2019 11:39

The key is a non-issue. Just get one cut for yourself next time you have the house key.

To be honest, it just sounds to me like your dp has a laid-back family who all get on well together, and you've said they are welcoming to you. Just out of interest, do you have any siblings, and are you close to them and your parents?

The only red flag I can see, and it's one for both of you, is if you want a 'me and my man' set-up, where nothing intrudes on your romantic'togetherness' and he wants a more relaxed 'the more, the merrier' home, which is what his family sounds like they're used to. Neither way is wrong, but they're not necessarily compatible.

Jenny17 · 25/03/2019 11:40

These unequal relationships always end up in resentment. You cannot really think you are starting a life together with him owning a property and you renting to live there.

If you look at it as you are saving money I think you are looking at it the wrong way. You could be putting your "rent" money together with somebody who values you enough to buy a house together. This is not a good way to play happy families.