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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be OK with this being how we start our life together

172 replies

inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 09:54

My DP asked me to move in with him at the end of last summer. He owned a house with his siblings (and they all lived there together) and I rented a flat with a friend. My tenancy was up in November but he said that was too soon to buy them out / give them time to find somewhere else to live. I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

Fast forward to this month and I moved in – the sale is complete and he owns the house. However, both siblings are still there so there is very little room for all my stuff – they do have plans to move out in the next month or so and I can live with the squeeze however – his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. He is refusing to put any pressure on his siblings or ask his parents to find a hotel and I feel angry.

I signed up to living with him as a couple and I went off and did this 6 month house share so that we could start our ‘grown up’ life together in the right way but instead all my stuff is boxed up because there’s no room to unpack and I am living with my boyfriend and his entire family – I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut and hasn’t even had a clear out of his room to make space for my stuff.

It is short term and he keeps saying how it’s my home and he wants it to be our home together and I need to see the bigger picture which I can….. but I am just wondering if I am the only woman that would frankly feel quite pissed off at this?!

I would like to add that his family are lovely and welcoming but I still can't really relax around them totally.

OP posts:
Carriecakes80 · 25/03/2019 13:31

I would get out of there sharpish, If he's not in a hurry to move out his family, and he's not even given you a key and apparently doesn't even WANT to?? That would worry me straight off!, whats the point?? I would get out now and find somewhere where you can at least unpack and have a cuppa without Mummy, daddy and the rest of the family jumbling in! I need my space, this would drive me crackers!

ifonlyus · 25/03/2019 13:36

I think that the responses to these threads do always sound negative because the respondents' opinions sadly reflect reality. Not everyone's reality of course. However, it's usually women who are disadvantaged by the living arrangements and many people know of examples where women have had control exerted over them because the man in the relationship is holding all the cards.

The OP has entered into a situation where the man is holding all the cards. She should take steps to protect herself and her future however rosey the situation appears at present. She's in love, she's going to be paying less rent, this all feels very positive to her at the moment so she might not be clearly seeing other signs that indicate an inbalance of power in the relationship.

I would agree that this sounds much more like you are a flat mate than a couple hoping to embark on a lifelong relationship together. He's not shared many details with you about the financial arrangements of buying the house. Have you talked about your future together? Will you one day buy a property together? When will that be? That flat will never feel like your home. What happens the week the cleaner leaves and it takes a month to find a replacement? Will he step in or expect you to do it all? He's gone from boarding school to being gifted a house, he's never had to do any house-keeping. He sounds a bit...... spoilt? How long have you been together?

Describing someone as laid-back can mean lots of things. Sometimes it refers to an agreeable, go-with-the-flow, slow-to-rise to stress or conflicts type person but often laid-back does indicate someone who 'doesn't want to be bothered by the things you want to do or talk about'

How much are you going to spend on new furniture and how are you going to prove you bought it if you split up?

stayathomer · 25/03/2019 13:37

I do really believe that once everyone has gone, it will be both our homes - he's let me make changes / order new furniture etc

I'm sorry but it will always be the house that the family come back to and the fact that you're not on the mortgage and they once owned it means you're going to be lower down the chain. In a few years you could potentially be posting here saying they stay over all the time and use your home as a base

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 25/03/2019 13:39

Okay then.

RedBerryTea · 25/03/2019 14:04

Don't quite see why you posted. Basically you've moved in with your boyfriend and you are a bit miffed you will be sharing with his siblings and parents for a few weeks, but your boyfriend is fab and it's a great flat in a nice area that you otherwise couldn't afford. What was the question again?

Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 14:05

@Carriecakes80 - did you even read the thread? They have flights booked back at the end of the month and the siblings have signed a contract for a new tenancy with a confirmed date in April.

There was nothing about him not wanting to give me a key - I had written to update and say I was getting one today.

@ifonlyus @stayathomer thank you both - some useful advice / thoughts in there. We have agreed it would be ridiculous for me to be expected to pay for any home improvements and furniture for a property I have no equity in. But it has been both of us that have selected the things that have been bought.

We have spoken about getting married, having children in the next few years and our future together and if we upgraded home then we would buy together using my savings / salary too. Given we've been together 18 months I don't feel I need to be making any demands with set time frames. He is laid back in that he doesn't like conflict and just wants everyone to be happy and stupid things that might wind me up - traffic, cancelled plans, don't bother him but he has a lot of get up and go. I really don't want to feel like I need to defend his character - I am no wallflower and I obviously believe the person I love and want to have a future with is a great person. BUT I am not stupid enough to end up draining my savings into a home, that legally and ultimately isn't mine. And nor I am expected to by him.

But yes @stayathomer your point is a worry for me!

There is no question, he has been lucky in the hands life has dealt him but he knows this and works bloody hard too so I don't think he's entitled. I am the first girlfriend he has lived with and is a great cook etc and doesn't need me for domestic purposes (he's more domesticated than I am for sure).

I

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 25/03/2019 14:08

The OP has entered into a situation where the man is holding all the cards. She should take steps to protect herself and her future however rosey the situation appears at present

She holds good cards too though. Remember he has taken on the risks of mortgage himself and she’s paying below market value.

What’s to say she isn’t just using him for cheap rent then when she’s saved up enough she’s gone, leaving him with a mortgage that he didn’t previously have?

theredjellybean · 25/03/2019 15:01

I think it is just mid communication about expectations.
You sound like you saw the moving in date as significant and perhaps wanted it to be this big romantic moment.. Not unreasonable, lots of us would want a first evening, candlelit dinner, great sex... Blah blah blah... And the man to make it special. To have made room for you etc.

He sees it that he has sorted things for you to eventually have the house to yourselves and he comes from a family who are used to living together and happy with the door is always open policy.

He won't change that... I am also like that, and really couldn't imagine living with someone who didn't welcome anyone who needed to stay.

You might like your privacy more.

If you wanted the big romantic moving in moments why did you move in now.. Why not wait until his siblings and parents left

timeisnotaline · 25/03/2019 15:36

Ok great it’s all rosy sorry why did you post again?

Myheartbelongsto · 25/03/2019 16:11

It sounds to me like he has moved you in to help pay the mortgage.

Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 16:17

@Myheartbelongsto - he didn't even have a mortgage before, he owned it outright with his siblings. He needed to get a mortgage in order to buy them out. He did this so that we could live together so I think it's only fair that I contribute. Or would you be happy for a partner living in your home that was working full time not to pay their way?

@timeisnotaline I posted because I was wondering if I was being unreasonable to not be thrilled I was having to temporarily live with my partners family. I wasn't asking for financial advice or looking to have to defend his motives or character (neither of which are the problem). I got some great advice which I have thanked people for - I can now see that no, I am not being unreasonable by being peeved by this - most others would be....

OP posts:
Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 16:20

@theredjellybean my tenancy was up and I didn't want to extend it for another 6 months. We also did not know that his parents were coming to stay - they booked flights without checking with anyone (and before people jump in, this is exactly how it happened as I was there on Skype when they announced it)

Thank you for your thoughts - sums it up, difference expectations / communication - I am not being a diva and he is not some awful sneaky man trying to swindle me like PP suggest.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 25/03/2019 16:37

Ok great it’s all rosy sorry why did you post again?

Because she wanted to have a bit of a moan and this being MN, fucking detective sluith central, got all sorts of accusations levelled at her including that he is already abusive and she’ll lose all her money and dignity in the process and should basically move out now and end it and never go near a man again.

So now she’s having to go over and above to justify why she is in a relationship

cheercaptain · 25/03/2019 16:51

OP sorry I haven't read all the messages so forgive me if this has been said. His parents are likely going to continue to do this .... come to visit for weeks and stay at your house. I have seen this happen and personally experienced this, despite the house ownership history being nothing like yours so use this opportunity to discuss and agree your expectations and boundaries with your partner.

Marchitectmummy · 25/03/2019 16:59

Ah it wouldbt worry me to be honest it's a short term issue that sounds as if it's going to sort itself pretty quickly.

But I'm not one who believes in magical moments of the day I move in needs to be X and committed to memory in that way. Others see this as a big thing, if it's big for you then it's a problem you need to solve.

Tachy · 25/03/2019 16:59

I had almost this exact same situation when I moved in with my current partner. My SIL lived with him and actually didn't come and pick up all of her stuff for over six months. We ended up moving out because I never felt like the place was my own with him. My SIL was never disrespectful but whenever she came to visit I felt like it was her place again.
There's always the chance that they will always feel like it's their house and be in and out / make you feel uncomfortable.

Myheartbelongsto · 25/03/2019 19:07

Exactly op, that was my point.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/03/2019 19:13

The only real problem, if your relationship does work out, is that his family will always see it as 'their house'. So, save save save, and if you do get to the point where you are merging finances and going in together on a house, sell this one and buy together. Fresh start.

Cherrysoup · 25/03/2019 19:23

So you'll have to tolerate his parents turning up for 6 weeks when they feel like it and not moan? That would kill me. What about when you have babies and they still want to come and stay that long, when you're boobs out, trying to get the baby to latch and day old dribble in your hair?

Thingsdogetbetter · 25/03/2019 19:40

Bloody hell people. Calm down. It's a temporary adjustment period with an end date for siblings moving out and parents leaving.

The only issue I can see is that both op and partner didn't get a key cut. He thinks why bother we'll have 3 when everyone's gone. She thinks it's his job and symbolic. It's a fiver, if op wants one now all she had to do is ask for one and go get another cut.

OP. I think he sounds very committed to you. And caring about his family. Good luck with your new home!

StarJumpsandaHalf · 25/03/2019 20:01

@inlawsimnotsure I can see why the siblings and inlaws have rained on your parade, but it's an inconvenience and irritating while it's so cramped there, not the end of the world given the previous arrangements. Not boxing up some of his stuff to make space for yours and not getting a key for when you moved in, would annoy me more.

If the worst came to the worst and you split, you have a contingency and wouldn't have lost much. Just have a big chat when everyone's gone about his parents staying and how it must be asked and agreed in future not just declared.

Keep all your receipts for furniture and equipment and make sure any redecorating or immovables are joint expenditure.

With regard to 'rent' this will impact on his tax situation.
If you are fully intending to make a partnership and move to a bigger place in future see about paying this rent into a joint savings account and the saving you're making in rent into a separate savings account of your own. That way you can use those moneys to move on with some time down the line. Would he like that idea?

saraclara · 25/03/2019 20:19

His siblings are moving house so that you can move in! No one enjoys moving house. I think they have actually been pretty reasonable about it. Yes, they agreed and are getting their share of money from the property, but they could have easily refused to move out full stop. They are doing you a favour. As for staying on a bit longer, this is their brother - was he going to throw them out on completion day? They have plans to move out, so give them a bit of time.

His parents visited because up till now this has been the place where all of their children lived and owned the property. Why on earth wouldn't they visit?

All that. To be honest, he and his family sound lovely! He's made a huge commitment and asked difficult favours of his family, just for you.The siblings are accommodating his new relationship by moving out for you both, his parents are lovely, and clearly they all have a great relationship. Lots of people on this board (going by all the in-law moans) would be thrilled to marry into/join a family like that.

This thread is nuts. The number of people thinking the absolute worst of everyone involved is pretty tragic. Drama queens abound.

You have your head screwed on, and you're just a bit disappointed that your moving in hasn't been as special as you like. And that's fine. Not many weeks to go though! Just ignore 90% of these posts in the meantime.

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