to not be OK with this being how we start our life together

[inlawsimnotsure]

My DP asked me to move in with him at the end of last summer. He owned a house with his siblings (and they all lived there together) and I rented a flat with a friend. My tenancy was up in November but he said that was too soon to buy them out / give them time to find somewhere else to live. I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

Fast forward to this month and I moved in – the sale is complete and he owns the house. However, both siblings are still there so there is very little room for all my stuff – they do have plans to move out in the next month or so and I can live with the squeeze however – his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. He is refusing to put any pressure on his siblings or ask his parents to find a hotel and I feel angry.

I signed up to living with him as a couple and I went off and did this 6 month house share so that we could start our ‘grown up’ life together in the right way but instead all my stuff is boxed up because there’s no room to unpack and I am living with my boyfriend and his entire family – I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut and hasn’t even had a clear out of his room to make space for my stuff.

It is short term and he keeps saying how it’s my home and he wants it to be our home together and I need to see the bigger picture which I can….. but I am just wondering if I am the only woman that would frankly feel quite pissed off at this?!

I would like to add that his family are lovely and welcoming but I still can't really relax around them totally.

He does try to really please me @ravenmum - whether it's where we go on holiday, the effort he makes for my birthday or just little day to day things like leaving little notes in my bag or picking me up something he knows I like.

He's a great boyfriend, treats me well and is kind and has supported me through lots.

He's also upset the status quo by asking his siblings to move out and ending their (and his) easy mortgage / rent free lifestyle in order for us to live together.

I could easily get a key cut myself, it's not a power thing or a red flag - I haven't been there long and we've just been sharing his.

I haven't bothered to look into financial protection because I saw it as I was getting to live in a lovely flat, with someone I love, in a great area and paying a lot less than I was before. I thought it might look a little grabby to demand any share in a property when we're only just moving in together - especially when it is a property I clearly couldn't afford myself.

Thank you everyone for your responses - it's not an ideal situation but they will have all left / moved out by the end of April. His siblings are all renting places where the tenancies don't start until then - they should have started looking earlier but it is what it is and I don't feel he could have said 'tough luck, you're homeless for a few weeks'.

So basically you are OK with it after all?

I'm not thrilled with the situation - it's v annoying and not ideal. But going through the responses, I think it's not as 'get out now' as some suggested.

Yes, if May rolls around and we're all still there, no one is leaving as agreed and I don't have any space then I would absolutely need a reality check.

In what world are people added to the deeds of given joint ownership when moving in with a boyfriend for the first time and no in a serious long term relationship yet.

The op is right to be happy with the situation financially. It saves her money and she hasn't contributed anything towards the purchase of the property.

If you have kids and drop your income that massively changes everything but for now it's outrageous to suggest that the ops boyfriend is in the wrong!

For God's sake get your own key cut. Your standards are very low.

Also ensure you are protected if you contributing towards the mortgage. Or will you be paying rent to your DP and his siblings?

You sound incidental to his decision to buy out his siblings. If you were instrumental then you would have had a conversation about what you could contribute financially, bought the property together and split ownership according to contribution.
He has bought a house. You are acting like you have a new flat share.
Dispassionately, this isn't you both starting a new life together. He is consolidating his finances and acquiring an asset. You have made yourself more vulnerable than you were before because now where you live is dependent on you maintaining your relationship with him.
Beware men who are people pleasers and like showy romantic gestures. I haven't met one who doesn't put pleasing their partner at the bottom of their list and they're also usually manipulative.

I would be very very careful.

It shouldn’t be up to you to get a key cut that should have been done when you arrived.

Are you going to be paying his mortgage? His heating bills, his council tax etc.

It might be cheaper than where you are but don’t forget if you were renting separately you would have your own room and a degree of privacy. Remember if a family member is between tenancies or splits from a partner or his family comes over for a couple of months or decides to move here this flat will be the first port of call and you will be asked to move your stuff to make room for them.

As you say this is his house not yours.

You are just the lodger with benefits

In terms of the financials I'd have thought that if they're wanting to start a life together then renting together would have made more sense - you're equal & checking to see if it will work. Then you buy together. One person buying (rather than pre-owning) is a more permanent living situation because either it's a shorter-term owning before buying together or one person is paying towards something that they have no stake in while the other person does. It's unequal.
But from Op's updates I'm not sure why she's even bothered posting here as she seems to be now saying everything is fine and she doesn't have an issue after all

I am going to go against the trend and say that I think it is too soon to make a big fuss. I think that the present situation, while uncomfortable, is not necessarily indicative of things to come.

His siblings are moving house so that you can move in! No one enjoys moving house. I think they have actually been pretty reasonable about it. Yes, they agreed and are getting their share of money from the property, but they could have easily refused to move out full stop. They are doing you a favour. As for staying on a bit longer, this is their brother - was he going to throw them out on completion day? They have plans to move out, so give them a bit of time.

His parents visited because up till now this has been the place where all of their children lived and owned the property. Why on earth wouldn't they visit? Is it also the case that they might have had something to do with the house purchase in the first place? But next year the siblings will be living somewhere different and the parents may well want to sleep in their guest room instead.

If you want a 'clean' start to life as a couple, you have to put up a deposit and buy or rent a house together. Yes, this is a bit of a muddled start, but I think you need to recognise that ultimately you are going to benefit from this situation.

Why can't you get your own key cut? What would he do if you did? If he wouldn't care because that's one less job for him to do then it's just laziness and is annoying but not a red flag. If he would be annoyed at you going against his word then that's a massive problem because he is trying to control you by making you feel like you don't properly belong in the house.

If it really only will be 6 weeks then the house will be yours it's not the end of the world but I would worry that he hasn't cared enough about your comfort and happiness to clear space for at least some of your stuff when you moved in. He isn't making you much of a priority at the moment which isn't a great sign for a relationship that's supposed to be entering a more committed stage.

Apart from the key, given they are moving out in the next 4 weeks, I dont see what he issue is.

He and his family are more laid back about thses things. You have it built up into 'starting our life together' etc. Its a different perspective

But, I do think long term you are both going to have to compromise. You both have very different views on people staying and how family is. I suspect these will cause problems down the line.

Laughing at the suggestion a guy would go from owning a house with his siblings, that he didn’t have to pay for on a monthly basis, to taking on a mortgage so he could have ownership, but somehow he isn’t committed to they relationship. I’d have to really want to be with someone to go from being mortgage free to be saddled with a mortgage payment.

You have no financial security here. Paying into the mortgage when you’re unmarried and not actually on the mortgage is absolutely ludicrous, you may as well be renting elsewhere. Renting would also be a lot more comfortable than being boxed in a house with your partner’s entire family.

You seem to be backtracking OP. You were angry, wanted to know if you were BU, but when people said you are and gave excellent advice, you’re defending him, basically saying you’re going to put up with it and not answering peoples Qs about ending your 6 month tenancy early.

So basically, do you just want a moan but not actually do anything about it? The former would be fine in a different situation, but I think - as does most here it seems - that your first instinct was correct. For me, him not making room for you in his bedroom is even more of a ‘fuck no’ than him not getting a key cut. He has literally not made space for you.

Moving in together is exciting. You’re in the honeymoon period of that. So I find it odd that your DP welcomes his parents to stay for 6 weeks during that, especially as his siblings are still there for 1.5 months. Actually how big is this flat, with this many people in it?!

@AnneOfCleanTables I was instrumental - if we had not of met, he would have continued his mortgage free life saving tons with zero risk. I would never advise anyone to put someone on the deeds of a property that they haven't paid a deposit towards and when they've never tried living together before. This really wasn't the point of my AIBU.

Beware men who are people pleasers and like showy romantic gestures. I haven't met one who doesn't put pleasing their partner at the bottom of their list and they're also usually manipulative

^^ He doesn't put pleasing me at the bottom of the list - I am no pushover - he's not manipulating me and then going OTT with showy gestures - just normal, thoughtful things you would expect from someone that loved you.

He can either piss off his whole family and say sorry brothers I know you've asked to stay here a few more weeks until your tenancy starts but it's my house now so you're homeless or sorry mum and dad who have done so much for me over the years but you can't stay here either.

We've spoken today, he knows it's not ideal, I am getting a key cut today and he's asked me to just be patient until they leave. I know it sounds like I am defending him but I was only wondering if I was BU by finding this situation annoying. I had no doubts over the set up financially.

I don't necessarily agree that all cohabiting couple's view it in the same light as molly'slips but I do think there's a lot of variation. Particularly in London, cohabiting is definitely not = long term partnership with shared finances and assuming you'll be together for ever. And I think for families or social groups where marriage is the norm (like me, tbh- I only know one LT cohabiting couple- everyone else is married), living together is seen as a bit of a "try before you buy".

I guess the important thing is that both parties are on the same page. The fact he owns the property is a bit of a complication but if it works in the OP's benefit vs. any other situation then I don't hugely see the problem. If her living expenses would increase by this then I'd see it as problematic.

I assume the 3 siblings either inherited the house or were gifted it by their parents, which may be why the parents still see it as fine to rock up for 6 weeks at a time.

When was the sale complete? Could it be that the issue is your tenancy ending a bit too soon before the sale was through and they had to move out but understandably you didn't want to extend your tenancy.

When was it agree that his parents were coming? It sounds there was miscommunication at some point when either you could have discussed you moving in a bit later or the sale and arrangement for parents to come didn't go as expected.

I could easily get a key cut myself, it's not a power thing or a red flag - I haven't been there long and we've just been sharing his.

Don't really understand why you haven't got one cut then. You came on here making a bit of a drama out of the key business. It sounded like he wasn't letting you get one cut.
Just get a key cut - you could have got it done in the time you have been on mumsnet complaining about it - and now all of a sudden you seem to be ok with everything after all.
What a waste of other people's time asking for advice and opinions.

I am OK with paying towards his mortgage

But why would you do that on a house you don't own, and where there's no guarantee you ever will? Rent, yes ... A share of bills, yes ... Splitting the food bills, yes ... But the mortgage? Definitely not (at least for me)

"Not looking into financial protection" is tempting when you're feeling loved up in a new relationship, but very risky all the same. Whether to take that risk is your own choice, but at least go into it with your eyes open to what might happen if you split

I'd keep my cool, look on it as a luckily cheap flatshare for the moment and save as much as I could.

oh dear lots of red flags in this situation

I'd be inclined to be taking my boxes and moving out again

It sounds like the househare from hell- his siblings and parents for an extended period of time

I'm sure it's very disappointing for you, as you were expecting to start a shared life with your partner but instead it's nothing like you imagined

Unless there is a strict timescale on when everyone is going to move out/leave, I would be reconsidering the entire relationship

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I am really not at risk of anything. I can save a lot more in this set up then I could before so my independent savings will be greater.

I have been renting in London for the past 8 years paying off landlords mortgages I have never met - at least now I am paying a lot less towards someone I love and see a future with.

I really was just asking if I was BU by getting annoyed at the family being there - I had no worries over the financials.

I would pay any contribution you make towards the mortgage straight to the lender then you'll have a paper trail at least. Definitely get your own key cut.

I think it's not as 'get out now' as some suggested.

no, but it's a picture of your life together in the future.

I don't think it's that big of a deal.. I would just suck it up for the 6 weeks and then get properly settled once everyone else was gone. Try not to let this ruin things for you, it's still an exciting first step to move in together. Ideally you would have moved in in 6 weeks time when everyone else was gone but it is what it is 🤷‍♀️