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Original poster

to not be OK with this being how we start our life together

172 replies

inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 09:54

My DP asked me to move in with him at the end of last summer. He owned a house with his siblings (and they all lived there together) and I rented a flat with a friend. My tenancy was up in November but he said that was too soon to buy them out / give them time to find somewhere else to live. I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

Fast forward to this month and I moved in – the sale is complete and he owns the house. However, both siblings are still there so there is very little room for all my stuff – they do have plans to move out in the next month or so and I can live with the squeeze however – his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. He is refusing to put any pressure on his siblings or ask his parents to find a hotel and I feel angry.

I signed up to living with him as a couple and I went off and did this 6 month house share so that we could start our ‘grown up’ life together in the right way but instead all my stuff is boxed up because there’s no room to unpack and I am living with my boyfriend and his entire family – I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut and hasn’t even had a clear out of his room to make space for my stuff.

It is short term and he keeps saying how it’s my home and he wants it to be our home together and I need to see the bigger picture which I can….. but I am just wondering if I am the only woman that would frankly feel quite pissed off at this?!

I would like to add that his family are lovely and welcoming but I still can't really relax around them totally.

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 25/03/2019 10:46

I had a key to my DH’s place well before we ever lived together.

Just tell him you are getting a key cut on the day you have them.

Will the family all be out before you start financially contributing?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 25/03/2019 10:47

I won't be paying any rent or bills until May, once everyone is gone

So from May onwards you'll be helping to pay off the mortgage on his house, a house you have no legal rights to. Are you comfortable with that set up?

timeisnotaline · 25/03/2019 10:49

If you want to be in a relationship with a people pleaser you should be prepared to kick up the biggest fuss so he works out you should be the first person he pleases. Don’t let yourself be the last person he thinks about after keeping everyone else happy.
Go stay with a friends. Tell him this isn’t the relationship you had in mind or he promised and you don’t feel like a partner.

BIWI · 25/03/2019 10:49

So why haven't you taken the keys and got your own cut? That just doesn't make sense that you think it's OK to share his!

Xiaoxiong · 25/03/2019 10:49

And then in May what happens? You start paying bills ie, helping him pay off his mortgage with no legal claim to the money you're putting into the property?

CalmdownJanet · 25/03/2019 10:49

Move out! No key? Fuck that! Prioritising everyone else over you? Fuck that!

BlingLoving · 25/03/2019 10:51

As PP have said, the no key is the main problem. This is your HOME now, you need a key. When you have the keys next time, just go and get a new set cut for yourself. There is absolutely NO excuse for this.

As for the family, this one is more complicated and is going to take time to navigate. Every family has different rules about what is okay and what isn't. And it's not uncommon for two people in a relationship to have different boundaries. Over time, he'll probably adapt his somewhat and you'll have to do the same, but it's very difficult in the beginning (and yes, I'm speaking as someone with experience. DH's family are more like your DPs and mine are more like yours. It's taken us years to get to a place where I don't want to scream every time and where he's learnt to put some boundaries in place to protect me).

The problem in this case is that it means it's very much HIS house with the rest of you as guests. By the time they all move out and you've lived there with him for a while, it will start to become your (plural) place, and that will shift the dynamic when the family visit in that you will be a co-host.

Loopytiles · 25/03/2019 10:52

Do you have a cohabitation agreeement? Sounds like the property is very much his, and you will have no housing security. Which is fair enough - for now - if you’re OK with that and can afford the rent and to save towards a property of your own.

Don’t put any money into home improvements, unless you have a cohabitation agreementZ

FriarTuck · 25/03/2019 10:52

So from May onwards you'll be helping to pay off the mortgage on his house, a house you have no legal rights to. Are you comfortable with that set up?
This doesn't sound good. Contributing to bills, yes. Paying towards HIS mortgage, no. And the key thing is ridiculous.
I'd move back out while you've got everything packed. That might make him realise that he needs to treat you as an equal and not just as a temporary visitor being granted a bed and a borrow of his key. In another 6 months hopefully everyone will have gone (I'd not put money on that one) and you can rethink (and think about that mortgage issue), but he doesn't sound ready.

Knittedfairies · 25/03/2019 10:53

This would be a far too laid-back way for me to live. Get a key cut. I'd want some cast-iron assurances over where I stood as regards mortgage/rent too.

senua · 25/03/2019 10:53

he's taken out a mortgage in order for us to live there together
And the mortgage provider is happy with all these sitting tenants the family in the property? That's unusual.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 25/03/2019 10:53

Are you on the mortgage? Do you have any claim to this house at all? If not you will always have to fall into line with what he wants. His house, his rules. You will be nothing but a long term house guest.

Your stuff is already packed, see it as a blessing and go and find somewhere much more secure to live.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/03/2019 10:53

You got the six-month room let in November, so stay there until May and make it clear you expect him and the house to be ready for you to move in then.

Taking on a mortgage and moving his siblings out is a big step, demonstrating a real intention. He just hasn't thought it through, in terms of the smaller steps towards being ready to welcome you.

The concern is his lack of thought for your perspective and feelings. I think moving back out for now should give him the jolt required to instigate a serious discussion, helping him to understand that you cannot mind-read and thus rely upon his good intentions - and that actually, your wants and needs are not the same as his imagined version of your wants and needs. He does need to learn to listen to you and ask you questions.

Crossfitgirl · 25/03/2019 10:56

It's only a few weeks at the end of the day, I'd be really pissed off too, but I wouldn't bother moving back out over it.... Moving is expensive!
But do get your own key cut.
Just take it yourself and do it!

MollysLips · 25/03/2019 11:00

I'm old fashioned but I don't see moving in with someone as "starting your life together". Getting married is starting a life together. Cohabitation is companionship, sex, splitting bills and easily kicking them out when you've had enough.

The lack of key is just weird.

BlingLoving · 25/03/2019 11:01

I never fully understand the outrage about new partners where one partner pays rent to the other one. I see this happen all the time in early relationships. Usually, the amount paid by the non-house-owner is less than he/she would pay in "real rent". And generally, as the relationship develops, this split is changed eg they start to have joint accounts and all costs simply go from there, particularly when married .I think when you're first living together, it's perfectly reasonable not to want to go all in financially. As long as one person isn't taking the piss of the other.

talktoo · 25/03/2019 11:01

So he says it's your home but won't give you a key? That is a contradiction if ever. Move out.

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 25/03/2019 11:01

Have you thought this through with a cold hard business head?

You live in a building where you have no space to call your own, no rent contract and no key. You live mainly with people you wouldn't choose to live with. After a month or two, the people you didn't choose typo live with will move out (only you can't guarantee that and don't have any influence on that) and you'll be paying towards the mortgage, but you won't be entitled to a bean if/when the house is sold. Meanwhile any of the other people can and probably will move back in for 6 weeks whenever they feel like it, without your permission.

This is not your home.

If you decide to continue, don't pay towards the mortgage, but save up for buying your own property/deposit in case you need to move into rented if the relationship doesn't work out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2019 11:02

To be clear his parents have a key and you don’t. Wow!!

Good on you for not giving any rent. However I think you have very differing views and his parents may be back in 6 months time for another 6 week stay. You won’t be able to refuse because it’s not your place. Then if you stay together you may end up buying somewhere together eventually. But he will always get his way with his family.

You’re starting life as a doormat. Do you think you’re ready to sign up to the next 40 years like this?

thedisorganisedmum · 25/03/2019 11:03

THIS is what your life together is going to be like. That will not change, don't pretend things will be different when... if.... when.... It will not.

He will not change.
You will not get more important.
His family will not change.

Either you accept it, and accept that it will be like that, even if you ever have kids.
Or your don't like it, and you get out.

There are so many threads of women being miserable, especially once they have children. If you chose to ignore a situation from the start, or pretend it will be different, then it's on you.
Nothing wrong in staying with him, but be honest and accept what you can expect from that relationship. It will not change.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/03/2019 11:04

And, when you do move in, yes to paying your share of bills and other day to day living costs. No to contributing towards his mortgage, unless it's also your mortgage. Did you agree to do this before he bought out his siblings?

You can't pay rent unless you're a tenant with a tenancy agreement, or a lodger. In both cases you would have your own bedroom. As a tenant you'd have a notice period. Does he want a tenant, a lodger, or a partner? Think it through, talk it through.

Of course there's an argument that you were paying rent and now won't be. He wasn't paying anything and now will be. That doesn't seem very fair. IMO the way to remedy that is that your contribution buys you a proportion of the house, as tenants in common (a legal agreement stipulating proportion owned by each person). The best way to do this will depend on the type of mortgage he has. Financial and legal advice will be helpful.

Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 11:08

I am OK with paying towards his mortgage - we live in London and I could not afford to buy a property here myself and rent is very expensive so I will actually be paying him a lot less than I have previously been when I have been renting, meaning I can save more.

I am OK with this for now - I wouldn't expect him to put me on the deeds of a property I haven't paid any deposit towards when we haven't lived together before.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 25/03/2019 11:09

Sounds a right rum do this one, if your a couple then joint ownership of the house then, simple as that!

Really sure you want to be with mr rightly wrong anyway?

NekoShiro · 25/03/2019 11:11

Apart from not having a key I don't really see the issue, do you want to be apart of his family or not? Yeah I'm sure its awkward and uncomfortable being thrust into the middle of his family life like this but it'll be over in like 2 months and then it will just be you two not to mention it sounds like the only reason the siblings are moving out are because you moved in. I'd just move a load of his stuff to make room for yours if he's not done it for you.

Next time you have the key go and get yourself one cut, they can do it in like 10 minutes while you're stood there.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/03/2019 11:12

I don't see moving in with someone as "starting your life together". Getting married is starting a life together. Cohabitation is companionship, sex, splitting bills and easily kicking them out when you've had enough.

ffs

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