to not be OK with this being how we start our life together

[inlawsimnotsure]

My DP asked me to move in with him at the end of last summer. He owned a house with his siblings (and they all lived there together) and I rented a flat with a friend. My tenancy was up in November but he said that was too soon to buy them out / give them time to find somewhere else to live. I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

Fast forward to this month and I moved in – the sale is complete and he owns the house. However, both siblings are still there so there is very little room for all my stuff – they do have plans to move out in the next month or so and I can live with the squeeze however – his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. He is refusing to put any pressure on his siblings or ask his parents to find a hotel and I feel angry.

I signed up to living with him as a couple and I went off and did this 6 month house share so that we could start our ‘grown up’ life together in the right way but instead all my stuff is boxed up because there’s no room to unpack and I am living with my boyfriend and his entire family – I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut and hasn’t even had a clear out of his room to make space for my stuff.

It is short term and he keeps saying how it’s my home and he wants it to be our home together and I need to see the bigger picture which I can….. but I am just wondering if I am the only woman that would frankly feel quite pissed off at this?!

I would like to add that his family are lovely and welcoming but I still can't really relax around them totally.

Laughing at the suggestion a guy would go from owning a house with his siblings, that he didn’t have to pay for on a monthly basis, to taking on a mortgage so he could have ownership, but somehow he isn’t committed to they relationship. I’d have to really want to be with someone to go from being mortgage free to be saddled with a mortgage payment.

There's nothing to laugh at at all in this situation. He's made a very sound financial decision to completely buy the house which isn't neccessarily related in any way to the relationship with his girlfriend apart from the fact that her rent and contribution towards bills etc will considerably ease his financial burden. He's not done this as a 'favour' to her.

I do wonder if he has actually bought them all out completely though. Are you sure OP, that they didn't want to move out anyway and they've raised the mortgage between them and will continue to be co owners? It would account for why he hasn't given you a key, and you're being treated as a guest.

OP, YANBU to be cross about the situation. I think it's just bad luck that parents visit coincided with sale going through. I honestly think you would be mad to chuck him at the moment though.
He was never going to throw the siblings out on completion day and I don't think that's what you would want.
The key thing is thoughtless, but then with so many sharing a house I can imagine he thought there were enough floating around and likely someone at home most of the time. Now it seems to have taken on some cosmic significance.
In a few weeks, they will all be gone and you and your partner can get on with making a home for the two of you.
Just grit your teeth, gird your loins etc and it will fly by.
Maybe you could crash with a friend occasionally till everyone has cleared off.
Good luck in your new home.

So annoying when OPs selectively reply to some posters and not others.

OP:

1. did you end your 6 month short term let deliberately early?
2. What is your DP doing about making room for you?

I don't think you are being a diva,or over dramatic, it is a bit of an annoying situation right now, but you don't ever say that any of the people are getting on your nerves, despite the key situation, and not being able to sort out all your own things.

Some people Can be so laid back,and don't live perfectly organised lives. so I guess that you will just bide your time now,until the all the other people have vacated soon. It sounds like a decent sized house though,to have all those people staying there.

Go up the shops at weekend with him and walk past key cutting place pop in and get a key cut - saves the hassle of key sharing with him for next month or so.

Also get him to clear some space for your stuff now and don't be fobbed off.

Longer term make sure you build savings up - as you won't I assume have any rental agreement so if things don't work out - you will be one needing to move quickly.

his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. This may well be an ongoing issue.

Otherwise it's not ideal but as long as his siblings time scale for moving out doesn't keep slipping - I don't think it's massive unreasonable these are his family who he wants an ongoing relationship with for years so can see him giving up few weeks to keep the peace.

Though he it could have all been arranged better, so they were gone before this.

@Godowneasy I am sure that he has bought them all out completely. I don't question his decision to buy them out and not put me on the deeds at all, given that we haven't lived together before and I had nothing significant to contribute towards a deposit.

I wouldn't actually expect to live there and not contribute anything towards the mortgage - not with him, not with a friend and not even my parents.

@Ragnarthe - Thank you! It is annoying but I appreciate all the responses as it has put the situation in perspective.

I wanted a key cut - I asked - and now I am getting one. There is a move out / leave date for everyone confirmed so although it's not ideal (and I can now see I am not BU by finding it annoying) it's not the end of the world. Obviously if what I think is happening doesn't transpire then all the good advice I have got will be taken.

All the best to you in your new home

Beware men who are people pleasers and like showy romantic gestures. I haven't met one who doesn't put pleasing their partner at the bottom of their list and they're also usually manipulative

that did make me laugh!

Good grief, some posters REALLY have issues!

@Aubaine sorry!

I wasn't clear, I didn't end it early - my new place started earlier but I didn't move in right away - I was away with work but needed somewhere before I left. My old tenancy is up and wasn't ended early. March was always the agreed timeline.

Once the siblings are gone there will be spare bedrooms and cupboards to put stuff - he doesn't want to chuck loads of his stuff away so we can cram into one room, when in a month we will have loads of space for the two of us.

I haven't read every single reply but it seems to be that loads of people are going a bit overboard on this one...

The OP was literally just saying 'this is annoying, right? I'm not being a total diva - would this annoy you too?' and lots of people have taken it far too far into 'red flag' territory. My reading of it is that she is probably right to be a bit irritated but she's not being a pushover to understand it's just a bit unfortunate and she's going to have to just suck it up. Even the key thing makes sort of sense to me... Why get another one cut when you're going to have 3 spare ones in a few weeks (although also get that, if sharing keys for a short time is a ball ache, it's also no biggie to get another one cut).

So, OP - yes it's not ideal, but it's also probably not really the end of the world. I can't see any flags at all, red or otherwise.

Mumsnet is an alternate fucking world sometimes. In what world would you EVER ask your partner to move in to your home then have zero trial period of moving in and just add them straight to the mortgage deeds?

If this was the other way around the BF would be accused of being a cock-lodger.

It is very sensible to give it a trial period were OP pays him rent. You know, how if she was renting she would ALSO BE PAYING RENT.

Ffs.

Thanks OP, that makes sense about putting stuff in the other rooms. Is it a 4 bedroom flat? Where are the parents sleeping?

I’d still be unhappy that the loveliness of mixing in together for the first time has been severely marred by his entire family being there. The thing that would concern me is if he seems ok with it and hasn’t been very frustrated it by it too. The impression you’ve given is that he’s not too bothered - if he shared your viewpoint, you wouldn’t have had to persuade him to get another key cut, as that’s a small inexpensive gesture he could have done to demonstrate it’s now your home too.

*moving (not mixing)

But why would you do that on a house you don't own, and where there's no guarantee you ever will? Rent, yes ... A share of bills, yes ... Splitting the food bills, yes ... But the mortgage? Definitely not (at least for me)

That's what renting is though!

@Aubaine I can't believe I am saying this... they are sleeping on a camp bed in the sitting room #facepalm

It's very crowded right now!

My DP's attitude is basically that his parents have been very kind to him over the years and have hosted many of his friends at once (and me) at their lovely overseas home in a great location so it would be a bit mean of him saying no way, you can't stay.

He gets why I am finding this annoying but wants me to just grin and bear it for a few weeks. He is a lot more laid back then me - boarding school, always having friends and family staying as they've never lived in the UK and I just find that hard.

It may or may not be something that comes up again but if it does, once we have settled into our routine together it will feel more like them staying in my own.

Thank you for so many replies - it is annoying, I am relieved that I am not being an unreasonable diva. As long as everything I have been assured will happen, happens I need to get let it go and be positive and maybe take it as chance to get to know his family better (who as I have said, are all v lovely) and the next few weeks will fly by!

Not quite, CharityConundrum ... I take your point about rent often paying someone's mortgage, but with the usual type of rental you get a contract, rights and a certain amount of security

Personally I very much agree with OP that there's no way her BF should be expected to put her name on the deeds at this early stage, but while I appreciate the siblings supposedly have dates to move, I just don't get how the sale was completed with a mortgage involved, when the previous owners were still living there

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I don't know all the details of how it works but it was a transfer of ownership as my DP was already part owner. He bought them out but needed a mortgage as didn't have the other 2/3 of the house price in cash.

I don't see moving in with someone as "starting your life together". Getting married is starting a life together. Cohabitation is companionship, sex, splitting bills and easily kicking them out when you've had enough.

Amused I still haven't "started my life" with my OH after 23 years and two 17 yo DS :)

Re the OP's situation - you have access to the keys - get one cut! The family are planning to move out end of April so it doesn't seem a big deal for 4 weeks... Provided that happens in the timescale agreed it seems fair to me.

You my dear are a roommate not partner.

Actually, she's not even that because most flatshares and lodging arrangements include a contract with rights for those who are living there. She doesn't even have that. It's not your house, it's his. Keep that in mind when you start handing over that rent. At least with a tenancy agreement there is an agreement.

Have you talked about how life and housework is to be split? Or is he one of these supposedly laid-back as and when people?

Nope, wouldn't work for me.

Don’t contribute anything until everybody is out! At the moment you are a guest in someone else’s house.

Get your own key cut immediately then see what happens, that will tell you the meaning of the key

@pootyisabadcat

As a tenant through estate agencies for years, I am not quite sure what rights I have benefited from... except paying a whole lot of fees

There is a cleaner who does washing, ironing, bedding etc. as well and we are keeping her on and we will just split the rest, I have no concerns over us doing this.

Honestly - would you put someone on your mortgage that you had been together with for 18 months (12 at the point of starting this process) and hadn't contributed to the deposit? I think that would be madness on his part.

If years, down the line we move or marry and he didn't want a property in both our names, I could see your point.

I don't have any equity or rights over the house legally - because it's not my house and I have not paid a penny towards it or saddled myself with debt to get. I pay high rent now to some landlords mortgage and I am going to be paying much less rent (leaving me able to save more) to his mortgage. We are not married and have no children - I don't need to be on the deeds the second I move in.

@JustTwoMoreSecs - I am not paying anything until May. I am really not concerned about the finances - I am much better off then I would be if I was continuing to rent elsewhere.

@Hearhere I am getting a key cut today

I’m glad everything has worked out and you’re happier with the situation now OP.

I would suggest you have some sort of backup plan in mind (family,friends,savings) for if you were to split and he wanted you out of the house there and then. It might not seem like he could ever be that horrible or that you’re obviously never going to split but if the worst was to happen, and as you will not have any ownership of the house, you would have to leave as and when he told you to. Just knowing that you could go back to your parents etc that day will give you some security.

@GirlcalledJack

Thank you - I lived with an ex long term boyfriend when I was much younger so I know how these things can seem like they are forever but things sadly don't work out.

I feel confident that we are in it for the long haul and on the same page but I am lucky to have lovely parents that don't live too far away should the worst happen.

I am sure they would expect to contribute if lived with them though (given I am an adult earning a decent salary) but how financially vulnerable would that leave me?! Maybe that would be a parenting red flag!