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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not be OK with this being how we start our life together

172 replies

inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 09:54

My DP asked me to move in with him at the end of last summer. He owned a house with his siblings (and they all lived there together) and I rented a flat with a friend. My tenancy was up in November but he said that was too soon to buy them out / give them time to find somewhere else to live. I said fine and found a 6 month short term room.

Fast forward to this month and I moved in – the sale is complete and he owns the house. However, both siblings are still there so there is very little room for all my stuff – they do have plans to move out in the next month or so and I can live with the squeeze however – his parents who live overseas have also shown up for a 6 week stay. He is refusing to put any pressure on his siblings or ask his parents to find a hotel and I feel angry.

I signed up to living with him as a couple and I went off and did this 6 month house share so that we could start our ‘grown up’ life together in the right way but instead all my stuff is boxed up because there’s no room to unpack and I am living with my boyfriend and his entire family – I don’t even have a key yet. He is refusing to get another one cut and hasn’t even had a clear out of his room to make space for my stuff.

It is short term and he keeps saying how it’s my home and he wants it to be our home together and I need to see the bigger picture which I can….. but I am just wondering if I am the only woman that would frankly feel quite pissed off at this?!

I would like to add that his family are lovely and welcoming but I still can't really relax around them totally.

OP posts:
claragolightly · 25/03/2019 10:21

Why don't you have a key?!
I'd move out.

Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 10:23

Thank you for all your replies. I had hoped / known I wasn't being unreasonably uptight.

The key thing is pure laziness - I think he can't be bothered to get one cut when there's 3 in circulation anyway.

It's not a cultural thing - his family are all British as are we. His family are v laid back and are always happy to have people / friends stay at their home overseas.

I do really believe that once everyone has gone, it will be both our homes - he's let me make changes / order new furniture etc.

He's also said my family would be equally as welcome but the difference is, they would never expect this and I wouldn't want it.

Thank you for the replies - I was worried I was just being a diva!!

OP posts:
PopGoesThePimple · 25/03/2019 10:23

Refusing to give you your own key? Fuck me, please move out and don't end up with a man like this.

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/03/2019 10:23

I would move out and move on!

Mookatron · 25/03/2019 10:24

Yup, move out again. Doesnt have to be the end of the relationship. Doesn't have to be an ultimatum, either, unless you want it to be. You want to live like a grown up with your own key to your own house. You're capable of that with or without him. He needs to see you as more important than this.

Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 10:25

ps - prior to this, him and his siblings owned the property outright so had no outgoings - he's taken out a mortgage in order for us to live there together

OP posts:
Keener · 25/03/2019 10:26

Do you really want to commit to a man this lazy and complacent, who thinks you are unimportant enough at the moment you move in with him, to just sort of muck in with his siblings and parents, sharing the collective sets of house keys, for an extended period?

Start as you mean to go on.

BIWI · 25/03/2019 10:27

Borrow his key and then go and get your own cut. It's not expensive and it's hardly a difficult thing to do!

However, it sounds like you're going to have to get used to sharing with his family.

Personally I'd be out of there. He's making it very clear that it's his property and he's only letting you share a part of it, rather than you sharing jointly with him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/03/2019 10:31

prior to this, him and his siblings owned the property outright so had no outgoings - he's taken out a mortgage in order for us to live there together

So I assume he's expecting you to contribute to the mortgage / pay rent? What's his reason for not giving you a key?

Do his siblings have new homes to go to or are they going to continue staying there?

If there's no plan and date agreed for the siblings to move out, and you haven't been given a key (and an apology) by this evening, I would move out with the intention of never moving back in again. He is massively taking you for granted. It will only get worse. Get out now and don't look back.

LoubyLou1234 · 25/03/2019 10:31

Why did you not take the mortgage out together?

TwoRoundabouts · 25/03/2019 10:31

Sorry no key is the red flag here.

Move out.

Have a serious conversation with him to see if you still want to be in a relationship.

Living with his family isn't a red flag as they can help you out in the future e.g if you have an emergency were you have to move elsewhere. Least you will know already which family members to avoid.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/03/2019 10:33

What's the housework situation like, OP? Think about it carefully, and see if it feels as though he's basically moved you in in order to have a housekeeper who will also wait on his extended family.

GabriellaMontez · 25/03/2019 10:35

No key? Why?

Are you paying his mortgage?

He's giving you a really clear message about how much he values and respects you.

Do you really think yourr suited.?

CardsforKittens · 25/03/2019 10:35

He’s not showing sufficient concern for your feelings. He sees things differently from you and that means he has a choice: listen to you and negotiate, or dig in his heels and insist his view is the right one. People’s behaviour is generally habitual: if his habit is to insist he’s right instead of listening to you, then that’s what he will usually do - about every difference of opinion. I couldn’t live like that. Can you?

BrendasUmbrella · 25/03/2019 10:35

I hope you're not contributing to bills and mortgage if you aren't even allowed a key. As it stands, you're a guest.

Whoops75 · 25/03/2019 10:36

His house his rules.

You my dear are a roommate not partner.

WellThisIsShit · 25/03/2019 10:36

Well the taking out a mortgage is a big change, is that to buy the siblings out?

If so, their behaviour doesn’t seem to have changed in line with the change in ownership.

It’s a shame you aren’t owning any share in your future home, as that does seem to limit your role and power.

The key issue is actually the major issue. It shows how little you are actually supposed to regard this place as ‘yours’ or your ‘home’. You have very clear GUEST status, and I’d be moving out until your dp can be bothered to treat you as more than a short stay guest. You say it’s laziness. Well, yes it may be, but it’s also selfishness too isn’t it? And unkindness. Even if he says it isn’t so, that’s the effect it’s having. He’s putting his own selfish ‘can’t be bothered’ to get a key cut (about the easiest thing ever), above your need to have a home and be able to control your own access to your home. Why don’t you matter enough?!

Ffs. I’d be making it very clear this is unacceptable and you have more self esteem than to be pushed so low and shown you matter so little by the person who is supposed to care about you most!

americandream · 25/03/2019 10:36

No way would I tolerate this. YANBU.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 25/03/2019 10:38

Are you paying him rent? I don't understand why you didn't take out a joint mortgage together. Otherwise, you'll be helping to pay his mortgage but have no legal rights to the house whatsoever and he could just kick you out on a whim if he chose to.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 25/03/2019 10:38

The key thing is utterly ridiculous. You need to take control of that. Ask for the key, go and get it cut. Sorted. If he says no or refuses to give you the key then tell him either you get a key or you move. But seriously, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a man who couldn’t even be arsed to get a key cut for me.

foxsbiscuit · 25/03/2019 10:39

When you say he is letting you order furniture do you mean that you are buying furniture for his house?

TildaKauskumholm · 25/03/2019 10:40

Apart from what you have stated, if this continues then get legal advice re mortgage etc. Clearly define who will pay for what, shared bills etc. A few years down the line you could regret not doing so (see the frequent posts on here about such matters when couples split up).

PregnantSea · 25/03/2019 10:40

If you're really serious about him then give it a bit of time. Wait until the end of the 6 week stay with his parents. From what he's told you everybody should be out by then, right? And in the mean time he needs to be clearing stuff out and making space for you. If that hasn't happened at the 6 week mark then take it as a sign of things to come and move out. Don't move back in with him unless you have some real reassurance that his family won't be barging in all the time. I don't know how he would give you that reassurance but the burden is on him to find a way to do so.

Fantababy · 25/03/2019 10:41

But why are you not both on the mortgage? At the moment you're living in his house. As are his siblings and his parents. You have no greater claim to the house than them if he's allowed you all to stay in HIS house. And if you don't have a tenancy agreement you have no rights at all. You need to protect yourself OP.

Original poster
inlawsimnotsure · 25/03/2019 10:43

I won't be paying any rent or bills until May, once everyone is gone.

I am sharing his keys at the moment - so whoever is due to get home first has them.

It just feels very student-y and not a great start and it's hurt my feelings but I was concerned I was being difficult. He's just a people pleaser, doesn't want to say no to anyone but ends up pleasing no one.

OP posts:
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