I need help...NOW!! - Warning Not a pleasant subject

[Cantgiveashitliterally]

OMG...Im hoping someone can help me, this is so embarassing, I feel like i have a tennis ball stuck up my bum, i cant go to the toilet and it hurts, I have been sitting on the toilet for over an hour and it feels like its coming, but...Nothing. Im sore, i feel sick and shaking. I have never felt anything like this before, somebody please tell me what to do. How can I "unblock". Ive tried walking around, drinking water, I dont know what else to do.

PS i know this sounds like a joke, but, I promise its not.

Fecal impaction...

Vacuuming the house? As in moving about? Or vacuuming...well....you know I am guessing the former - otherwise you'd have to throw the dyson out....--tries to find brain bleach__

How are you getting on OP?

Do it the mathematicians way and work it out with a pencil.

Go for a run. I used to train quite hard witha group and we all had to run 'on empty' otherwise the run would be interrupted by loo breaks.

Try Lactulose (sp?). Can be bought over the counter, and (check instructions for dosage) can also be given to children.

Otherwise, Syrup of Figs (Calfig) or prunes which are laxatives.

@TheQueef This is my go to method too!

Yep.
Feet up so you are squatting, bath if necessary.
Vaseline bum hole.
Fingers in vagina and mould a torpedo.
sad

And always keep lots of laxatives in the house.......

Holy crap. Some of these methods are worrying!!

The longest I went constipated was 14 days whilst pregnant....lactulose and fibregel was the only thing that worked.

I remember once having to push a poo back up my bum...it was right there but just wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t get up and leave the toilet because it just felt so uncomfortable. Once I had pushed it back up, I was fine and it came out later that day

I had this on a couple of occassions. The first time was after I broke my leg, I was in hospital following surgery for 2 weeks and didnt manage to go the whole of my stay in there. I did eventually manage it with a lot of pain.

However the second time was following a VLCD which apparently is common for constipation. I was in so much pain and like yourself was desperate to resolve it. I wont recommend this but I drank a bottle of red wine as it always makes things loosen up and hey presto 3-4 hours later I had an empty bowel

Starch

Op hope you are ok, my first option out of all these would be to go for a run and hope gravity kicks in. You might want to run very close to home or a loo though!

Feet up on a stool, hold a pad of loo roll against your perineum. Been there, and that's what my mum told me. It worked, but I was panicking for a bit.

Red wine contains sorbitol, which can help digestion and prevent constipation. What’s more, the tannin substance contained in red wine can increase the contraction of muscle fibers in the intestinal muscle system, and regulate the function of the colon.Just found this and embarrassingly posted it on the wrong thread, but it may be why red wine worked for me

I feel like i have a tennis ball stuck up my bum

Well... do you?

Go to the GP/walk in clinic, worst case A&E. Regardless of this post being true or not.

We need updates, OP! Plopdates!

I’m hoping someone better at puns than me will come along shortly.

Abdominal massage if not pregnant. Lie flat on floor or bed. Bend knees to feet are flat on the floor. Take left hand and cup under left rib case with your fingers. Firmly massage your abdomen with right hand for 5-10 minutes.
Other stuff that works. 2 ripe pears or 2 weetabix and a banana. Strong coffee, particularly if you don’t usually drink it. Lots of water. Warm bath. Glycerine Suppositories. Syrup of Figs.
Good luck OP.

Hi everyone, thank you for all your tips - I think. Some of these sound horrendous! I have managed to release a little, although the trouble maker is still there I nipped to the chemist after the school run this morning and got some max strength senakot, Just a waiting game now lol.

I literally cannot understand how some posters can get their fingers in to manually remove anything stuck?

Is space not an issue? Is it not more painful?

This has never happened to me so clearly I don't know, but the times I've been mildly bunged up (for maybe like a day and business as usual the following day) there is no way I could think of shoving something up?

The trouble maker

Poo spoon.

Smoke a cigarette, mil swears by this...

You need some glycerine suppositories. They work well for me. Or use some Vaseline.

Give yourself an enema. Take the head off the shower and out the pipe up your bottom. Only have the water running slowly.

It’ll soon come out!!! No drugs or waiting.

(Remember to bleach the shower and hose afterwards of course)

Yeah, don't advise OP to attach a mains water supply to her arse. That is incredibly dangerous.