I need help...NOW!! - Warning Not a pleasant subject

[Cantgiveashitliterally]

OMG...Im hoping someone can help me, this is so embarassing, I feel like i have a tennis ball stuck up my bum, i cant go to the toilet and it hurts, I have been sitting on the toilet for over an hour and it feels like its coming, but...Nothing. Im sore, i feel sick and shaking. I have never felt anything like this before, somebody please tell me what to do. How can I "unblock". Ive tried walking around, drinking water, I dont know what else to do.

PS i know this sounds like a joke, but, I promise its not.

Ahhh, meow, that would make sense. Thank you!

@gayparee

I have a heart condition that means my heart races. The only thing that “resets” it when it goes is doing a “fake poo”; bearing down.

It suppresses the vagus and stops the rogue beat.

I only found this out in 2016, had the condition since birth.

MN is a MINE of info

paulhollywood I just know I’m going to remember your comment forever for some reason. If I ever see anyone having a panic attack now I’ll be the one telling them to pretend to do a poo.

I live to serve @meowththatsright

The vagus / bowel connection was talked about pages back.

Seeing it again here, I've just been reminded of those that passed away on the loo having a heart attack doing a poo!
I'm thinking Elvis, and wasn't Marilyn Monroe?

Pictures were asked for also, no pics it didn't happen, type thing, you know the usual.

Perhaps weight and size too.

Just glad OP has been relieved of it, and wasn't pregnant or suffering from abscess.

All's well

....that ends well...that should have said

Just read this from start to finish. Stock up on glycerine suppositories & buy some Laxido for if it gets really drastic ever. 12 sachets in 24 hours until it clears if necessary, (my bowel needs hardcore explosives lol.) A tailcomb is also a useful item in your poo extraction arsenal.

I just have to know what a tailcomb is now!

Even have a special coat hanger in the bathroom to clear the u bend

Ah yes the turd hanger.
The plastic ones are good for that!

Laxatives, orange juice, lots of fibre

@Smotheroffive a tail comb is a comb with a long handle that goes to a point. Used to be used for teasing out back combed hair

I read 'Alive' (true story about air crash survivors who resorted to cannibalism) over thirty years ago and have forgotten most of it, but I still vividly remember the part where one of the survivors digs a fossilised turd out of his rectum with a stick. Several weeks of dried human flesh and melted snow equals v bad constipation, apparently.

My DM became dreadfully constipated after a course of strong painkillers. She laboured for many hours with the head out before, with great relief, she passed the rest. She described how the offending log stood upright in the toilet, almost to the seat, and she had to break it up with the toilet brush.

How do you keep the suppositories in? I tried the bisacodyl but there were agony due to fissures, and the glycerine stay in for about a minute before pinging back out again I guess there's not much room for them

I seem to get constipated after longish car journeys. It's probably a combination of the seating position, and not drinking enough. I expect I am not alone. Sometimes it's very hard to get the movement going, and you might need medical assistance to loosen the obstruction. Good luck!

You nip Gay nip for dear life.

I have no advice on this
But I’m actually mortified a few comments that say in care homes they put soapy fingers up the bum I worked in a care home for 3 years and never put our fingers anywhere near their bum. Laxatives to help and prune juice was the only thing we ever done

Tangofandango ah yes, I know the kind, thank you.

I thought it was a specialist instrument of fecal extraction? No?

@ChristineBaskets

Christ, your poor dm. The idea of labouring for hours to deliver an upstanding poo has tickled me immensely

Manual evacuation should not be done by care staff, I work in a hospital and its the Dr's who are allowed to do this, in a care home by staff it could be classed as abuse.

I think it probably depends on the department. It's a nursing role where I work. But qualified nurses, not care assistants.

Eat a sausage and egg McMuffin and Coke. My record is 3 minutes post-mcmuffin.

Who? snapandfart?