I need help...NOW!! - Warning Not a pleasant subject

[Cantgiveashitliterally]

OMG...Im hoping someone can help me, this is so embarassing, I feel like i have a tennis ball stuck up my bum, i cant go to the toilet and it hurts, I have been sitting on the toilet for over an hour and it feels like its coming, but...Nothing. Im sore, i feel sick and shaking. I have never felt anything like this before, somebody please tell me what to do. How can I "unblock". Ive tried walking around, drinking water, I dont know what else to do.

PS i know this sounds like a joke, but, I promise its not.

Closure! Have never been so invested in a thread.

BTW @yorkshirepud44 you didn’t post your plight on here did you? I recall one poor soul in the same position as the OP who “delivered” 6 hrs later.

Finally, I won’t ask how but I am wondering how you managed to encourage the beast out it’s lair.

Try two figs a day...it helps avoid constipation.

ThisThatAndTother Smoke a cigarette, mil swears by this..*
*
Yep, a rolley is better. Have a strong coffee and a rolley. Job done.

You said you ate a lot of oven food. You can add veg easily to this. Frozen veg. Few tablespoons in a bowl with a tablespoon of water. Cover. Microwave for 3-4 mins. Drain and serve. Easy as oven food.

Bran flakes and sultanas or fruit and fibre for breakfast. Porridge can be made in microwave, nice with fruit & cinnamon.

Fruit. Get one of those apple slicers from Lakeland, makes it much easier. Grapes, satsumas. Fruit juice. Dried fruit (eat with nuts too if there are few nuts/seeds in your diet). All easy prep ways to get it into diet.

Also, when having eg sandwiches, just add a couple of handfuls of salady bits (without needing to prep a full salad. Eg cherry toms, carrot sticks, cucumber sticks, celery. It isn't much more effort to chuck on a low cal dressing tbh.

Also, just wholegrain it up. Bread - wholegrain. Popcorn not crisps (get a silicone microwave popper and use the kernels with a drop of oil. When popped and salt/ icing sugar/ both or any of the multitude of spice mix suggestions on internet). Brown rice etc etc.

These are my low effort ways of getting fruit, veg, fibre into diet. I get it. CBA prepping veg when on own or cooking for many. Those ready prep veg bags are too expensive for every day.

Stick a finger or two up your anus using vaseline. Drinking hot water with honey should help

I know the crisis is over op but if it happens again and you have no glycerine suppositories, cutting a sliver off a bar of soap and stickinv it up your bum helps the offending turd on its way!

Glad you've put this behind you!

Congratulations! What did he weigh?
Maybe keep some gas and air and a tens machines for future turd endeavors!

Is it not twins? Don't get off the loo just yet OP. Stay right where you are.
CONGRATULATIONS

Cancel the cheque

does anyone else imagine sean Connery when they read shituation.

Op congratulations on your poo finally coming out I feel your pain I have IBS and have had trouble with my bowel since I was a child fybogel, weetabix and constantly moving help me when am like that. I really hope it doesn’t happen again it’s so painful when you get like that.

It tastes foul, it has a weird texture that thickens the liquid but is easy enough to choke down.

I've never had Laxido thicken the liquid. That sounds more like something else (can't remember the name of it). And the taste is much better than others, as it's orange flavoured. It's a bit of an odd taste, because the orange is not sweet, but I soon got used to it.

@Lougle wow 25 years of nursing and I'm wrong?

Yet another 'only on Mumsnet' moment!

I've had two craps in the time it's taken me to get through this thread (and for you to finally park yours!)

McPoo!

I have never come across fingers in the vagina to shape poo for evacuation procedure! Surprised so many have.

I am so relieved that you are finally relieved of this monster.

I never realised shit shifting was such a hands on affair!

Some real suffering due to shit going on for pp

I was tempted by the sound of poo spoons!

And yes, plenty of roughage to avoid a repeat performance!

Or avoid bready stuff.

@ScarletBitch

"@Lougle wow 25 years of nursing and I'm wrong? hmm"

You've had people on here telling you that this is what they have to do to evacuate their bowels. You are showing that your nursing knowledge is limited. Which is fine - you don't know what you don't know. But when you are told something as a personal experience by someone, you shouldn't hold fast to your own experience, and should consider if there is something you don't know.

If a woman has had a difficult birth, the vaginal wall can be weakened. Faeces isn't fussy about where it goes - it will take the easiest route. Therefore, it will push forward into the weakening. If the faeces bulges past the opening of the rectum, the muscle isn't strong enough to redirect it. Some women find that they have to push against the weakened area internally, to redirect the faeces so that it passes.

Check it out with your GI colleagues.

Scarlet I have seen instances of this happening, where poo gets pushed into a pocket in the bowels so that despite opening the bowels there is still stuff left in there in the pocket and just keeps needing pulling out.

It is real and it does happen, you might not have come across it but its true nonetheless

scarlet
[https://www.fascrs.org/patients/disease-condition/rectocele-expanded-information]

if you read that it'll count towards your reflective practice time.

You're welcome.

Strangely pleased for you.

@Crispbutty1
How does hair removal affect an abscess?
Sounds like you dodged a bullet there, glad it was found in time. Sounds horrible for you

scarlet I worked in a nursing home for 6 months nearly 20 years ago. A manual evacuation was a very standard procedure, probably done most shifts. Unless you work in paediatrics I really struggle to understand how you haven’t come across it. Have you genuinely never even heard it mentioned?

renster I’m guessing ingrown hairs, more common after hair removal can cause abscesses.

Sadly this is a scenario that happens to me regularly (only thing that is regular). Trouble with taking laxatives is that if a big un has formed you literally have contractions around it, and some of the other laxatives can only work on the poo that is yet to form. So often after the blockage has cleared you then cannot stop as all the other things you've taken start working.

Even have a special coat hanger in the bathroom to clear the u bend. Interesting about the vagus nerve, wondered why I went all faint and shaky sometimes

I only came back to see if OP had a shit. Takes me back to nursing. 👩‍⚕️ 😆

The bottom hasn’t fallen out of your world, so much as the world has fallen out of your bottom, OP. 💩 🌎